Once upon a time in Persia there lived a king who ruled over the 127 kingdoms of the Persian empire, and his name was Ahasueros.
Now, the king was so pleased with himself that he invited all his minions to a banquet, to show off his fortune. More importantly, though, he wanted to show off his wife. And so he ordered his eunuchs:
The queen rolled her eyes, but she was just the queen, and so presented herself in front of the king, feeling a little like she was lined up in a whorehouse.
And thus, the king banished Queen Vashti, and began the search for a new wife.
And lo, in the land there was a virgin:
Her name was Hadassah, and she lived with her uncle, Mordechai the Jew.
Mordechai knew that all Hadassah needed to find favor with the king was a little work. And so, he came up with a plan:
Six months later, virgins lined up before the king. The competition was great, as many prospective queens from all over the land waited their turn for the king's verdict:
But the king only had eyes for one girl:
Ahasueros made his decision on the spot.
And so they were wed, and Esther became queen.
One day Mordechai overheard two spies plotting against the king:
Mordechai reported them, and they were executed by hanging. And the king's scribe wrote it all in the Chronicles of the Kings of Persia:
Now the king had en evil vizier named Haman, whom Mordechai the Jew refused to bow down before, because Mordechai could not bow down before anyone but God.
Haman decided that to get over the humiliation, all the Jews in the Persian Empire must die. He asked King Ahasueros for permission.
And so Haman sent his orders throughout the 127 kingdoms of the empire:
When Mordechai heard the news, he dressed in mourning clothes and wept. Hearing about his sorrows, Hadassah worried.
Now the king had a pimp cane, which in those days was called a scepter. And only if he pointed his scepter at you, would you be granted an audience and not be killed.
Esther approached the king cautiously, hoping he would not behead her.
The king, who loved Esther very much, pointed his scepter at her and said:
Wary of revealing all so far, the queen smiled her pretty smile and invited the king to a special banquet she was throwing.
King Ahasueros acquiesced.
Meanwhile, Haman was still pissed at Mordechai for not bowing down before him, and so he bitched to his wife Zeresh:
And so Haman built the tree.
Ahasueros had trouble sleeping and so he read some chapters from the Chronicles of Persia. Suddenly he remembered how Mordechai had saved his life from plotters way back when, and wanted to reward him. So the king consulted Haman:
Certain that the king was referring to Haman himself, Haman replied:
Utterly flabbergasted, Haman turned green with envy.
But he had no choice, and so he paraded Moredechai the Jew around town of Shushan dressed in royal robes, crying, "This is what is done to the man the king delights to honor."
At the banquet she threw for him, Esther told the king:
The king was shocked.
And then, in a rare moment of intelligence, the king said:
AND SO THE JEWS IN PERSIA WERE SAVED FROM CERTAIN DEATH, AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
A little historic revisionism never… hurt anyone…
FINE. HERE. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
Which moral is that?
Well, that just about says it all.