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Life could be worse. Wade had lost about half his powers after his head was cut off the first time. Possibly it was because he'd leaked brain fluid through his ears (is that TMI?). So no more eye-lasers sorry, optic blasts (Cyclops fans are so much work) or teleportation like Wraith. He'd kept Wolverine's healing power (hey, does that make me part Canadian?), which was AWESOME (slice off a finger making PB&Js, no problem! It grows back or reattaches or something! Also, being Canadian. God save the Queen!). He'd also grown back 2) his hair and c) his Ryan Reynolds-good looks, which he flaunted unabashedly, whenever possible, and most importantly, UNO) his voice.
"Can't keep a good merc down," he told himself at least once a day.
(If Stryker was serious about shutting me up, he could have at least taken out my voice box instead of sewing my mouth shut, especially after giving me healing powers. Can we say HUGE plot hole? I think we can!)
Today, he even had a job! For real money! That was going to be in delivered in seven slim briefcases and stowed under his mattress any time now!
♪"So put on your stockings, baby, the night's getting old."♪ Wade serenaded himself as he got dressed.
(It's soothing! I like hearing the sound of my own voice!)
He discarded The Boss's advice (sorry, man, not that kind of party), eschewing the stockings for a pair of socks, and found he didn't have hair to put up or makeup to put on, so he shrugged on his jacket and left his apartment (but not for Atlantic City :sadface: but maybe tomorrow I'll go to Disneyland! :happyface: ).
After several messy incidents, not all of them his fault (really!), Wade learned if he wore a tux, people were less likely to shoot first (and one time, wearing these duds, I got within a foot of ScarJo before my doppelganger showed up to cock block me. Typical). Hardly anyone stopped him to ask where he was going when he was all dressed up, unlike the times he ventured out in public wearing Marvel Girl's original costume (I still have the panties. In fact, I'm wearing them right now...) or wee biker shorts (I saw you checking out my legs, don't think I didn't!) or nothing at all (spoiler alert! That happens later!).
It proved true now as well. Wade glided through the doors of the Walt Disney Concert Hall, smiling brightly at his own reflection as he passed by a large mirror. He straightened his cuffs and headed straight for the food.
Wade stuffed a third shrimp ball in his mouth and chewed loudly. The two elderly people standing next to the buffet glared at him and left the line. Wade shrugged. "More for me." So intent was he on the food (shrimp balls, shrimp cakes, shrimp puffs, shrimp salad, stuffed shrimps, shrimp boats!), he almost missed his cue.
A sharply-dressed Tony Stark walked by, trailed by Pepper Potts (check out those...shoes! Bet you thought I was going to say something else!) and...Foggy Nelson?
(Huh. I don't see Daredevil anywhere. But being the stealthy ninja that he is, maybe he's hiding as a blind lawyer right out in plain sight! So much better than the Clark Kent disguise!)
Wade slipped his fork into the jacket pocket of his rented suit, grabbed a shrimp puff with his fingers - now everyone was giving him dirty looks - and popped it into his mouth. Then he hurried after the trio.
"Foggy Nelson! Foggy Nelson!" Wade tapped the short one's shoulder. Sure he was supposed to kill Stark, but he had his priorities. (Daredevil! MUST. FIND. DAREDEVIL.) "Foggy! How have you been? How's Matt? He hasn't been answering my fan-mail and--"
"I'm sorry. You must have me mistaken for someone else."
Wade looked him up and down. "No, I'm pretty sure you're the same guy."
(Just so you know, slash fic writers, Nelson's not really my type, especially when he's standing right next to ♥Tony Stark♥.)
"I assure you, my name is not Froggy," said the man who was claiming not be Franklin Nelson, long-time BFF and partner-in-law (that's a horrible pun! I'm not even sure it's a pun at all) of Matt Murdock, the blind lawyer who tells everyone he's Daredevil. (Hey, I believe him!)
(But who's Froggy? Anyone? Bueller? Kermit?)
"Now that we have that cleared up, why don't we move the conversation to the table? The ceremony is about to begin." Pepper's tone made it clear she wasn't asking a question so much as issuing an order. She ushered them into the dining area, where, sure enough, the lights were dimming, except for the ones shining down on the podium.
Tony pulled a chair out for her. "Pepper..."
"No, Tony, you may not leave to go to the bathroom or for any other reason. I told Rhodey you'd be here. And Mr...?"
"You can call me Wade," he said, with all the suave he could muster. (Marvel sure likes their red headed women! That's fine by me!) "Helllllllooooo, Mr. Stark." (Marvel likes their men pretty too. Yowza.)
"Yes, well, won't you sit down, Mr. Wade. There's an empty chair over there." Pepper pointed to a table across the room.
"Just one thing first." Wade pulled out his fork and stabbed Tony Stark through the chest with it. Someone screamed as the fork tines bent back. "Huh." He would have said more were it not for the champagne bottle that connected with his head, rendering him unconscious, and therefore, mute.
He woke up to a thousand Max Weinbergs steadfastly drumming away at his brain. (Hey, fic writer, your Springsteen obsession is taking over my brain, but that's okay because Max is cool. But Steve is the coolest! Rock those skinny jeans!) He was stickily secured to a chair inside Tony's garage, surrounded by expensive cars and nifty gadgets. (I hope Stark isn't compensating for something. Oh, you know what.) One lanky contraption hovered over him, its long arm trained on his body.
"Dummy, if he moves, douse him." Wade could have sworn the little robot nodded at Tony's command.
"I don't usually like to be tied up until the second date," said Wade. "But for you, Tony, anything. Tony? Or do you prefer 'Mr. Stark?'"
Tony was lying on a table, shirtless, with Pepper hovering over him. They both ignored Wade as they played out A Big Dramatic Scene.
"Tony, you said I wouldn't ever have to do this again."
"There's no one else." Tony gave a cute little half-shrug, exuding boyish charm.
Wade sighed. There was nothing more boring than a will-they/won't-they relationship. And his head still hurt, though his healing power was kicking in. "Just kiss already. We all know there's no way she's going to pick Jon Favreau over Robert Downey Jr."
Tony nodded at Pepper. "I'll be fine."
With hands that shook only a little, Pepper pulled out the machine keeping Tony Stark's heart alive.
"Wow." Wade watched in fascination. Tony's chest continued to rise and fall rhythmically, even without the reactor. "Someone has been working out, and I don't mean me!"
Pepper replaced the glowing circle with an almost identical miniature arc reactor, doing something that made the sensors jump and Tony say, "Ahhhh!"
"Sorry!" After a final twist to secure the reactor, Pepper wiped off her hands and helped Tony into his shirt. She did up his buttons while he sat there and smiled at her. "Never again. I mean it, Tony."
"You have quite an arm, Pepper."
(Didn't I mention it? She's the one who knocked me out. Gotta watch out for those redheads. Sing it, Bruce! Or I will, because you're not here: ♪"It takes a red headed woman / To get a diiiirty job dooooooone."♪ Say, how many sex acts do you know end with 'job'?)
Pepper paused before she reached the door and addressed Tony, "Someone has to look out for you. If that will be all, Mr. Stark?"
"Go home, Ms. Potts. Happy's upstairs. He'll drive you home." Tony waved her off.
Wade cleared his throat loudly. "A-hem. This is my story too."
Tony spared a glance at him, but kept most of his attention on the reactor that had just been removed from his body. "You cracked it."
"It's all glowy!" Wade leaned in for a closer look, nearly toppling over. "You are a very attractive man, Mr. Stark. That shirt brings out your arms."
"Stay there," said Tony, who did not pause in the act of rolling up his shirt-sleeves. (HOT.)
Wade and Dummy looked at one another. "I think he means you," said Wade. "I have places to go, people to kill." Unfortunately, he was still rather stuck. Duct tape had an unfortunate way of doing that to him. Fortunately, he had an ace up his sleeve (but not in the literal way Gambit has cards where no man should have cards, because I didn't get those powers too :sadface: ). "Bodyslide by two."
...Nothing happened.
"Bodyslide by two!" he whispered a little louder. "Damn. Wrong medium. I don't have my little yellow boxes either. Yellow on black! It's like the bizarro-skrull world! Help me out here, handyhunter." He wiggled a pinky finger loose. "Awesome. Thanks a bunch!"
"Could you stop talking?" Tony threw him an irate glance. Sparks flew over his hands and a burning smell tickled Wade's nose.
(Everyone asks me the same thing! You would think they'd get the memo by now.)
NO.
NO, i WADE WILSON AKA DEADPOL AKA THE MERC WITh A MOUTH CANT STOP TALKING.
ALSO I'M FORE HIRE.
HIRE ME!
WILL KICK/STAB/SHOOT/MAIM/HEADBUTT/SLASH/ETC FOR CASH.
LOT'S OF CASH.
OR CHIMICHANGAS
CHIMICHANGA!
CHIMICHANGA!
...
*POPCULTURE QuIPS EXTRA*
BUT THE SINGING IS FREE!
CALL "IRENE MERRYWEATHER" FOR MORE DEETS. 1-800-PRI-SCILL-A. ext.ALL OF THEM.
Wade ignored Tony's question in favour of asking one of his own. "Are you sure it's supposed to do that? It smells like wet Wolverine."
(:siiiigh: Even after all these years, it's the best thing I remember about that hairy Australian-Canadian.)
The phone rang, but Tony didn't answer that either.
On the second call, the answering machine upstairs picked up. The anxious voice was loud enough to be heard in the garage. "If you wanted to get out of making an acceptance speech so badly, there are easier ways to do it. Tony? Tony! Answer the phone! I know you're there. If you don't answer your phone, I'm going to go over there--"
Tony pressed a button on his desk. "Rhodey, don't come over."
"Happy told me what happened. Are you okay? Where's Wilson?"
"Here! I'm here! I'm being held hostage by a fire extinguisher!" yelled Wade.
There was a moment of silence.
"Could you send a pizza?" Wade asked Rhodey, ever hopeful. "Or chimichangas?"
"Tony?" Rhodey sounded like he was trying very hard not to yell. (I should know. I have lots of experience with CABLE Irene Stryker CABLE people who talk to me that way.)
"That's my name," said Stark.
"You have him in your basement?"
"I wasn't going to put him in my bedroom. The neighbours will talk."
Wade beamed at Tony. "I knew it! You did have ulterior motives for bringing me here!"
There was a soft whrring sound as Tony tinkered with his reactor. "Shut up, Wilson. Rhodey, don't worry about it. I made a few calls. He won't be here long." He hung up over Rhodey's protests and said, "JARVIS?"
"Sir?"
"Hold all incoming calls."
"Of course."
Wade frowned in concentration. Part of his mind was occupied with freeing himself (but only a small part because -- duct tape! I get tied up with it so many times, I can do this in my sleep. I used to love duct tape, too) and the rest of it was wondering why JARVIS sounded so Britishly familiar... "Oh! Paul Bettany! How much did you have to pay him to do that?" Tony wasn't listening or responding, however, so Wade started singing.
♪"Hmm mmm mmm mmm mmmmmmm dum! dum!
You pick up a little dynamite and I'm gonna pick up a giant gun
mumblemumblemumble and together we'll make that highway ruuuuuunnnnn
Call me your lieutenant Cable! ...I don't want to be your sonnnnnnnn (have you MET the Summers family?)
The only lover I'm ever gonna need's your soft sweet shiny-- you know what!
Dynamite's in the belfry playin' with the bats! (What kind of line is this??)
We gotta go downtown, play some pool, act real cool
Oh, Bea, you're the one!"♪
Tony looked up briefly, but left Wade to his crooning. By the seventh time Wade got to ♪"Because a record company, Cable, just gave me a BIG ADVANCE!!!!!!!!"♪ (truer words have never been belted out by any other rock god), he had managed to un-tape his hands and legs without drawing Tony's attention again. Stark must have a one-track mind. (How weird. Also, kind of hot.)
Still, though, he was bound to notice if Wade stood up and Dummy did whatever it was Dummy did. A weapon would be nice to have, but not entirely necessary. Wade flexed his wrists, momentarily missing the knives Stryker had built into his arms, but not really once he remembered how difficult it was to bend his elbows when they were sheathed. (Minor design flaw.)
Wade spotted an interesting looking shield... "Hey, it's from Captain America! Is true that you two? ...You know?" Wade raised an eyebrow suggestively.
"What?" Tony's head snapped up just in time to meet the spinning edge of his Captain America shield. It was heavier than it looked, and wobbled a bit when Wade threw it -- a little blindly, because he had a face full of foam, and not the tasty kind either.
"You should look into the good stuff, Dummy," Wade mentioned before he kicked it out of the way. Dummy rolled two feet before it got tangled in some cords and fell over. "Ouch. You were a brave little toaster."
Tony blocked the shield with his arm, though the force of its impact pushed him back and he hit something on the way down that made the floor beneath Wade's feet move.
"EARTHQUAKE!"
Wade dove for cover -- except there was none, in this concrete room of cars and electronic equipment. He ended up crouched next to a 1932 Ford Deuce (PSA: "douche" is a feminine hygienic procedure) Roadster, as the floor separated to reveal the Iron Man suit in several parts. "Ooooooh."
Wade leapt to his feet and circled the red and gold suit, Tony Stark and his assignment forgotten. It was far more interesting than the black pants and white dress shirt he still had on...
Mere seconds later, Wade had his "dead"- and "pool"-socked (it's never too early for the merchandising to start!) feet in the boots and various mechanical arms were lowering the chest plate over his head.
"This is a terrible idea," worried JARVIS, almost like a real person. "This suit was not designed to your specifications."
Wade was beginning to agree. A small army of machines tightened the metal plates around him, and he was feeling a bit cramped. (Tony Stark looks much taller on the big screen.)
"JARVIS? Who are you talking to?" Tony staggered upright, clutching the red, white and blue shield.
"Our...visitor, sir."
Wade was stuck. "I'm stuck," he said plaintively. The face mask flipped down and all around him was darkness. His breathing was loud in his ears.
"He did insist on donning the suit." JARVIS sounded like a smug bastard from inside the tin can Wade found himself currently occupying.
"Um, help?" he called out.
There was a bit of clanking and prodding and something pinched the back of his head. "Ow!"
"Serves you right." Tony Stark's face appeared before him as the metal face plate came off.
Wade looked down at the rest of the suit. "I think it's broken."
"You don't have an arc reactor."
"So?"
"How were you going to power the suit?"
"...I didn't think of that." Wade tilted his head as much as the suit would allow, and fluttered his eyelashes. "Are you going to have your way with me now?"
Tony rocked back on his heels. "You tried to kill me."
"Not really. I only had a fork. I might have tried harder, but I haven't been paid yet. And it's not like a little death ever stopped true love--"
"Who hired you?"
"Obidiah Stane," Wade said promptly. "Your nearest and dearest." (Where did the yellow font go? Oh, there it is! I was so worried! Never leave me again, my yellow letters!)
"Stane's dead." Tony's voice went flat and he glared in a way that made Wade's innards twitch in not unpleasant ways.
"Does that mean I'm not getting paid?"
"When did he hire you?"
Wade thought back. And back. And back some more. "Last year?"
"You don't remember?" Tony was standing very, very close now, practically nose-to-nose with Wade.
"Um, no. You have beautiful eyes," Wade blurted out.
Tony looked like he wanted to hit something (I am not averse to that!), but he didn't (maybe later?), and worked on un-Iron Man-ning Wade instead. Or parts of him anyway.
"That tickles!"
"So hold still."
"That's what they all say," Wade said happily.
"What are you doing?" A female voice cut through his fantasies.
(Tony Stark is on his knees. What would you be thinking of? This is almost as good as than all those "training" sessions with Agent Zero. Stryker sure knew how to pick 'em!)
Pepper stood just inside the glass doors, staring at the two of them. Wade might have preened a little. (What's the use of having an awesome body if you don't show it off? That's right, kids, Mr. Deadpool says, ♪"Take off aaaaaaaaaaallllll your clothes now!"♪)
Tony stood up, screw driver in one hand and a part of a metal leg in the other. "Now, Pepper, this is hardly the worst thing you've caught me doing."
"It's not?" Wade frowned.
"Why is he naked?" Pepper was definitely not amused.
"I'm a freedom rider! Like Lady Godiva!" (♪"And then there's Maude!"♪)
"I'm detaining him until Fury shows up," Tony explained.
"I like my version better," said Wade.
Pepper stepped closer to them. "In the Iron Man suit?"
"That was an accident." Tony fiddled with some wires on the inside of the shin piece he was holding. "The duct tape didn't hold him, but this seems to be working."
"Then why are you taking it apart?"
(Pepper and her expositional questions! She'd be great for my recap pages. Who do I have to kill to make this happen?)
"Oh, this?" Tony looked at the parts scattered around them. "It's due for an overhaul. I've left the important pieces." It was true. Wade still couldn't move, and his private bits were covered (damn that PG-13 rating). "I thought I told you to go home."
"I did. It's now morning."
"That it is," boomed a new voice.
Pepper nearly dropped the coffee cup she was carrying. "I wish he'd stop doing that," she muttered.
Wade twisted around. A lesser man might have cowed at the sight behind him, but Wade Wilson was no cow. "Holy shit, it's Nick Fury! Love the eye-patch!"
"Shut it, bub." Oh, look, Wolverine was here too. Wolverine, Wolverine, Wolverine. Didn't he get sick of seeing himself everywhere? Not that Wade would get tired of seeing little (or large!) Deadpools everywhere.
Adamanitum claws flashed and Tony moved between Wade and Wolverine. "Watch the suit! You can have him after I get him out. JARVIS?"
"As you wish, sir." There was a series of clicks and other machine related noises, and the suit fell away from Wade's body.
"Whoa. I wasn't actually stuck?"
"Contingency plan," said Tony, but he was speaking to Fury and Pepper, rather than Wade. "The other suit's in the closet."
Wade took a step, only to be stopped by six claws to the chest. "Logan! How's it been? Has anyone told you that you're a very large and intimidating man?"
"Where do you think you're going?"
"I have to pee."
Tony and Fury were conferring about something in a manner that Wade could only describe as "secretive" and "rude," given that Stark had guests and one of them needed to use the facilities. Wade looked at Pepper.
"The bathroom is behind that red car. Where are your clothes?"
Wade shrugged. Like so many things, they tended to appear and disappear on the whim of his writers. "Hey, Pepper? If you're ever in Providence, I'll introduce Irene. She's always telling Cable to put his clothes on too. We could double date!"
Wolverine dragged him off to the bathroom before she could thank him for his thoughtfulness. (The world needs more Irene/Pepper fic. I'd read it! I'd even BE in it!)
"I don't usually do this with guys I've just met again after mumblemumbleMarveltimelinemumble decades. I demand at least dinner and a show!" Wade had another thought. "Hey! I thought you were with the X-Men. Are you going to be in the Avengers movie? Is that why you're with Fury? Watch those hands! Scott Summers is going to be so jealous."
"Don't try anything funny," said Wolverine, and then he slammed the bathroom door shut in Wade's face.
Funny, hah. There wasn't anything funny in this bathroom. It had the basic toilet and sink and...air vent? If he weren't still peeing, he'd have jumped for joy.
Three minutes later (not my best record ever) and after he'd washed his hands (because Sinister said so!), he unscrewed the cover to the vent. He hopped in just in time because Wolverine crashed through the door.
"Waaaaaaaade!" The man growled. Actually growled.
Wade started crawling. The metal scraped against his bare knees and elbows. (Note to self: next time you crawl through Tony Stark's air vents, wear clothes.) He looked behind him once, but it seemed that Wolverine was too large to fit through the vent (take that, you 6'4 dreamy hunk of manflesh killing machine). He wasn't exactly sure where to go, so he kept making right turns, when he came to a branch. Eventually, he saw daylight. (Success!)
He landed with a soft thump on Stark's lawn. A streak of white light crashed into him, sending him tumbling over the manicured lawn.
"Ow!" His nether bits were tingling, and not in a good way. "You could have just said no! I can take rejection like a man!"
Iron Man advanced towards Wade, the lights on his suit pulsing brightly under the hot California sun.
(Oh! I'm going to sunburn ALL over. ...Oh, wait. Healing factor. Right.)
"Nick Fury would like to have some words with you," said Tony, in Iron Man's metallic voice.
"Ooh, talk dirty to me some more," said Wade, spinning around to avoid being hit by light beams. What happened to old-fashioned guns? Iron Man chased after him as he ran away.
"Whoa, cliff." It was a very long drop to the sparkling blue water. Wade splashed around after impact (brrr, cold! My dangly bits!), avoiding rocks and trying to remember if he knew how to swim. He gave up on that when Iron Man hit him with another blast and he started dog-paddling to stay afloat. If Wade could draw him closer... no, that was Terminators that sunk to the bottom. Iron Man could probably swim. "Where the hell is Namor when you need him?"
From the corner of his eye, Wade saw Wolverine scaling the cliff. Blah. He'd probably take his shirt off next, to make Wade feel like the smaller man.
(Quick internet poll: Would you rather watch naked Deadpool or naked Wolverine?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 22
deadpool is the greatest
View Answers
naked deadpool is the greatest-est
19 (100.0%)
ticky!
View Answers
ticky!18 (100.0%)
...What?)
Wade sighed. He needed to make his getaway now, before Wolverine and his epic love for Cyclops took over the story.
So Wade stole a boat. The two scantily-clad (yep, I double checked their double-dees) teenagers on board shrieked when they saw him.
"What, haven't you ever seen a naked mercenary before?" he asked as he pushed them into the water. "Can you swim? Don't worry, help is on the way."
Wolverine was running on the beach (slo-mo that, ladies and gents), but Iron Man was closer. He was a red streak rushing down towards the water. Wade trusted he wouldn't fire with civilians so close -- they might get a splinter if the boat blew up. Plus, they were floundering pretty badly.
"Until we meet again, Tony Stark!" Wade yelled over the noise of the engine. He sped away, Iron Man's pursuit delayed until he rescued the kids.
(Marvel peeps, I have the greatest idea! Iron Man as the nemesis for my movie! That'll get people in the theatres! Wolverine will probably show up too, but there's nothing anyone can do about that, and I like being surrounded by hot men, as long as they don't all try to kill me. Wait, what am I talking about? I LOVE when hot people try to kill me! I wonder what Zero is up to. There's no way he's dead-dead. He's too pretty to die!)
"But, first, I need some real pants." Wade didn't know how to drive a boat, but it didn't seem to matter in this fic. He steered himself on to a beach, demolishing sand castles (whee!) and making little kids cry (whee! squared!).
♪"Well now Hazy Wade-y got really hurt, he ran into the lake in just his Deadpool socks and no shirt or pants or underooooooos
Me and Crazy Bea-y was makin' love in the dirt, rollin' in our birthday suits."♪
Wade rocked out, playing the air piano, as he stepped off his boat onto the sand that squished between his bare toes (I lost my socks in the water :woe: ). He swiped someone's baseball cap and then a towel off a hot young thing as he wandered away from the shoreline. Wade slung the towel over his shoulder and contemplated the best place to sunbathe. He could probably get a good six minutes in before Tony or Wolverine caught up with him.
♪"Spirits in the night, all night... all night... all night... all niiiiiiiiiiight. All night!"♪
Someone dropped two dimes in his baseball cap.
"Thank you, ma'am! ♪'Bless your children, give them names, don't trust men who walk with eye-patches...'♪"
All in all, not bad for a day that had barely started. Lady Godiva was totally right. Everyone should be naked all the time! (Well, except for that person over there. You know who you are.)
Wade stretched out on his towel and day-dreamed of actors who could pull off the half techno-organic-overly-muscular-with-grey-hair-yet-hot-body / half I'm-going-to-save-the-world-with-my-big-guns-whether-you-want-it-or-not / half related-to-Scott-Summers-and-his-wife-clones look.