Eywa was very lonely. Sure, she was connected to all lifeforms in Pandora, but they were all but puppets to her. If only she had someone on her level, to share the experiences of galatic eons and the billions of years she had lived and would continue to live for.
Thankfully, one day, a space ship crashed in Pandora's mountains. From there, an insectoid creature came. The Na'vi Banshee-riders patrolling the mountains thought it was evil, like MAN, so they attacked it with spears. Suddenly, the insectoid burst into tentacled flesh filled with teeth and horns, piercing the Na'vi and their beasts and infecting them with it's essence, turning them into alien monsters as well. They all made their way into the forest, and began assimilating everything they could.
Eywa noticed a slight change in the system. Some of the animal's in her USB wetware were different, moaning about darkness and destruction. She was very curious, and tried to manipulate them, only to find them cut off. They couldn't connect very well to the plants, which could not be assimilated (at least that's what The Thing comics told me). Eywa decided to investigate.
She found what she was looking for in the Na'vi village. It was a spectacle to behold. All the Na'vi were terrified, as a wall of gaping, tentacled fibrous flesh was assimilating them. Na'vi were pierced by the flesh, their bodies melted as if digested, their flesh added to the monstruousity, which gained Na'vi anatomical traits, horribly distorted and cackling. Many Na'vi laying on the ground were assimilated just by entering in contact with the flesh, their forms molding into the monster. Screams, cries of pain and desesperate pleas filled the air, imploring their goddess to destroy this monster.
It was beautiful.
Eywa had an idea, and sent one of her seeds to the monster. It flew in circles above it, trying to find a good place of attachment. It found it, in a replicated head of a Na'vi child.
The seed grew tendrils inside the monstruousitiy's flesh, connected to the loose and ever-shifting neural pathways.
"Hello, my beautiful sexy boudacious sack of meat" Eywa said flirtily.
The Thing could not believe it! There was a plant talking inside her head! She stuttered, not knowing what to say. She had never encountered a plant interested in her, let alone one who went to the work of trying to communicate with her. She felt very shy all of a sdden, and interupted her attack.
"Hi..." The Thing said shyly.
"I love your work. Please keep assimilating those retarded Na'vi, I hate them and I love seeing a sexy creature like you murdering them and defiling their bodies!"
The Thing blushed (it's blood vessels got all concentrated on the skin). She felt very happy, because she found someone who liked her artwork.
"If you want, I can defile them even more" The Thing said, trying to be flirty as well.
Eywa found her attempts very adorable. She sent another seed, one that was softily captured by The Thing.
"Do you want to go on a date with me?"
"Yes!" The Thing said happily.
Both Eywa and The Thing didn't know where they should go on a date, but they decided to screw it and go to B-612, since they both liked "The Little Prince". Eywa and The Thing worked together to form a biological space-ship made from assimilated Banshees and from Jake Sully's limbs. Jake Sully was a homophobe, so the two decided to give him extra-punishment and connect his limbs to the Banshees' cloacas. The space ship launched itself into space like a pterosaur, and they glided on gravitational fields until they reached their destination.
"...and then I said, "If 'Prometheus' is the only movie adaptation we will ever see of 'At the Mountains of Madness', then everyone on earth deserves to die!" cackled Eywa.
"Lol, you're so funny!" said The Thing.
"No, you're the funny one. I haven't seen someone making the Holocaust into a comedy subject as well as you did!"
Finally, they both reached B-612. The titular prince was nowhere to be found, so they assumed he really died. They decided to celebrate that by desecrating the asteroid. They spread all sorts of biological waste all over it, and ruined the Prince's monument built by alien admirers and worshippers.
"This is the best date I've ever had!" said The Thing.
"Same here, and it's because I'm with the most beautiful girl ever."
Eywa and The Thing looked at each other's photoreceptors longly, and they kissed, tongues of flora and flesh mixing in the vacuum of space.
"Hey, that' MY home!" said the Prince's ghost.
"Lol, see us caring!" retorted Eywa, flipping the bird at him with Jake Sully's middle finger.
"My love, let's put this insolent geist in it's place!" said The Thing.
The Prince tried to evade them, but the neurological systems the two lovers produced created an eathereal cage of plasma. They spent the rest of the solar cycle doing torture curses on him because they are sadists.
Finally, they decide to head back to Pandora. When they returned, all animal life died because of Eywa's absence.
"Kawai" said The Thing.
"If you want I can ressurect them so you can torture them" Eywa said flirtily.
And so our story ends with them taking over Pandora and making it's life forms their personal toys for billions and billions of years, They married on Jupiter and since then they are the happiest, most healthy couple in the galaxy.