"…You're a hamster."
"No," Spencer squeaked, a little impatiently. "I am a rodent of unusual size."
"Dude," Brendon said, poking him in the side—gently, because Spencer was a hamster. "I don't know who told you that, or whether you've got, like, delusions of grandeur or something, but you're a hamster."
"Rodent of unusual size."
Brendon hadn't been aware that hamsters could look as fierce as this one did right now, but apparently they could. Not that Spencer had any reason to look fierce, because it turned out that he'd been hiding a secret ability to turn into a teeny-tiny fluffy hamster the whole time that Brendon had known him, and actually, Brendon was the one who should be pissed right now. Except he wasn't, because hamsters were cute, even when they were magical. And Spencer. "Can all hamsters talk?" he asked finally, because it was the kind of thing that he needed to know. He'd spent some quality time as a teenager telling his troubles to his sister's hamster Fluffles, and if Fluffles could report that shit back, then Brendon needed to know.
Spencer attempted to bite Brendon's finger. "Only the magical ones."
"Huh," Brendon said, secretly relieved that Fluffles' secrets had remained secret. Unless Fluffles was a magical hamster. Um. "And how many magical ones are there, you aside?" He was totally going to get mad at Spencer later for keeping this a secret from him all this time. Soon. Definitely. Once he stopped being so cute and fluffy.
"I don't know.” Spencer turned in a careful circle on Brendon's coffee table, and scratched his ear with his back foot. "A few. We're chosen ones."
"Shut up," Brendon said. "This is like you're Buffy, or something. The chosen one. Except you're a hamster. How are you supposed to save the world if you're a hamster? Cute people to death?"
"I'm not cute," Spencer told him. "And I'm not the chosen one, I'm one of the chosen ones. We're a crack team of animals, protecting the world one day at a time. Like Professor McGonagall in Harry Potter, but better."
"Same difference," Brendon said. He stroked his finger down Spencer's back. "You're so fluffy, Spence. Look at how fluffy you are."
Apparently hamsters could glower too. The things you learned.
"I'm just saying," Brendon said, picking Spencer up and cupping him in his hands. Spencer sat on his back feet and looked fierce. "You're kind of cute for a chosen one. And fluffy. I didn't think world protectors were this fluffy."
"I'll get you," Spencer squeaked. "When you're not looking, I'll get you."
"I'm very scared," Brendon told him. He put on his best I'm in awe of you face. "Are you always this cranky when you're a hamster?"
"I am a rodent of unusual size!" Spencer nipped at Brendon's thumb. "And put me down."
"Unusually tiny, yes. Do you have, like, a purpose? I mean, what does a hamster who is protecting the world actually do? Can I help?"
"No. Put me down."
"Dude, if I put you down, Bogart might eat you."
The Spencer-hamster rolled its eyes. "Bogart wouldn't dare."
Brendon resolved never to leave Spencer alone again. He was going to get eaten, or stepped on, or someone would accidentally die of cute, and then where would they be? He'd be without a drummer, for a start, and a best friend, and a boyfriend, and nobody would watch wrestling with him and order pizza at 9am. "Do you need a sidekick?"
Spencer looked very prim. "I have better things to do then constantly rescue your ass. And you'd look stupid in a cape."
"Would not," Brendon said. "We could be like Batman and Robin, only you're a hamster."
"I will bite you on the ankles," Spencer said. "One more word out of you, and I'll bite your ankles."
Brendon doubted whether Spencer could actually reach Brendon's ankles, because he was one of those seriously tiny hamsters with the extra fluff where the height should be. A dwarf hamster. Only Spencer could attempt to save the world from the vantage point of a dwarf hamster. "Do you get to pick what type of hamster you get to be when you get chosen?"
"We're not all hamsters," Spencer said, conveniently forgetting that he seemed to think he was a rodent of unusual size.
"But you're all tiny and fluffy, right?"
"Some of us are. Some of us are like, I don't know, dogs. And, uh, leopards. Someone in Atlanta is a panther."
Brendon blinked. "But you're a hamster."
"A deadly hamster. Shut up. I'd like to see you change into an animal in order to save the known universe from collapsing in on itself."
Brendon was a nice person, so he didn't point out the obvious. He pulled his laptop over instead.
"What are you doing?" Spencer asked, nibbling on the edge of Brendon's thumb.
It felt kind of nice, actually. "Looking up superhero outfits for hamsters on Google," Brendon said, typing with one hand.
There was a long silence.
"See if they've got a Captain America one," Spencer said eventually.
Brendon grinned. "Awesome. Does that mean I get to dress up as Black Widow now that I'm your assistant?"
"Um," Spencer said, and then he was taking a rather spectacular flying leap off Brendon's hand to land on the couch next to him, and then two seconds later there was a really rather naked, normal-sized Spencer Smith there instead. "Only if you let me undress you afterwards."
"Well, duh," Brendon said, dropping his gaze to Spencer's dick. "Do you always turn back so, um, naked?"
"Yes," Spencer said. "Are you going to let me blow you now, or what?"
"That was totally my intention before you turned into a hamster," Brendon pointed out. "This delay is totally down to you, Mr. I've been keeping secrets from you since 2005. All those times you went to the store in the middle of the night, was that because you had a world to save?"
"Mostly," Spencer said, busying himself undoing Brendon's fly. "Sometimes it was just because we were out of snacks, though."
"Good call," Brendon said, shucking off his pants. "Who's my world-saving dwarf hamster commander in chief, huh?"
"I am," Spencer grinned, and pushed Brendon back onto the couch cushions.