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The Marooned Cliché

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“This really is quite the pinnacle of unintelligent design.”

“I’ve certainly seen better. My suit, for one. Twenty-first century spacecraft. The interstate highway system.”

Snart raised an eyebrow at him. “I was thinking more along the lines of the obfuscating multitier American democratic election process. Convoluted tax law the one percent can evade. Incomprehensible and unfair cable packages for people who don’t steal it. This thing here--an engine room on a spaceship/time ship that closes its doors to a hull breach only after people are trapped inside and slowly dying? This is the most asinine thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh. In that case… Yes. This is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen as well.” Some parts of the engine room were designed intelligently, including the hidden airlock feature that allowed the air pressure to remain constant even with the breach and the door open, so they didn’t get sucked outside. That was pretty cool and innovative. But to shut and lock the doors only after the attempt to fix the breach, trapping people inside?

For however intelligent the designers of the Waverider were, they were pretty stupid, too.

“Let’s just hope Sara and Kendra can do something to get us out of here before we freeze.” Even now, Ray could see Snart start to shiver, ever so slightly.

“I thought you liked the cold.”

Snart made a face. “I have a gun that shoots cold. I’m not Victor Fries.”

“That guy freezing Gotham? Yeah, what’s he about?”

“He has to stay frozen. I, however, merely wish I still had my parka.”

“You look so dashing in it, too.”

“Says the man with a metal suit with twinkle lights on it.”

“Don’t be jealous, Snart.”

“Hardly.” But that was where he ended it, which indicated to Ray that maybe Snart was focusing on something other than making fun of Ray, for once.

Like maybe he was worrying about the cold, and lack of air, and the quite real possibility that they could die here, today, if no one came to rescue them.

As if Snart could read his thoughts and wanted to use the time to be serious, he quietly asked Ray, “What’s it like? Dying? I imagine you’ve got a unique perspective.”


“You know. Being dead legally. No one to answer to anymore.”

“I guess… Lonely. No one knew where I was, so no one knew to come looking. I was trapped in a jar like a rat.” He thought for a moment. “No, not like a rat. Like an insect. Rats are usually in cages or boxes. I was an insect.”

“You’re a pretty big insect.”

“Not at the time.” Ray started to feel himself shivering along with Snart. “I wish I had my suit.”

“I wish I had a blanket. Why couldn’t we be trapped in the linen closet?”

“And be even more of a cliché? Two people with obvious differences trapped together, forced to work out those differences?”

“What sort of differences?” Even when worrying about dying, Snart was a troll.

“The ones we argue about constantly.”

“Right. You the proud Boy Scout--Eagle Scout, no less--while I’m the hardened criminal. It couldn’t be more textbook.”

“Yes it could. You could be a woman.”

Snart cocked his head. “I suppose so. And your mission is to woo me into penitence. Well, I wouldn’t get your hopes up, Boy Scout.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Pussy Galore.” Snart’s lips twisted into a smirk.

Imagining Snart dressed as a Bond villainess made Ray’s thoughts go to strange places, and he shook his head to clear them.

They sat there in the cold a while longer, and Ray wanted to talk to fill the silence, but didn’t want to start an argument, as was wont to happen. Conflicting viewpoints, and all. He wasn’t even sure if Snart liked him as a person, even after all they went through together in Russia. Or wasn’t it the Soviet Union then? Whatever, it was miserable, but Ray thought he and Snart had had a moment or two of actually starting to like each other.

“Ironic that Captain Cold is going to freeze to death.” Snart’s breath condensing in the air was a perfect illustration of his comment.

“We’re not going to freeze to death. Sara and Kendra will figure something out.”

“The assassin and the hawk from a desert climate. I’ll be waiting here with bated breath until I’m frozen solid.”

“You’re not going to freeze!” Ray turned to look at Leonard more closely, and didn’t like what he saw. The color was gone from his skin, and he was still shivering. “You don’t look so good.”

“While you are the living embodiment of peak physical health. You look like death warmed over. to speak.”

He was starting to feel like it too, but didn’t want to give Snart the satisfaction. They had to do something before they froze to death, and he could only think of one thing. “Well… There’s a way they taught us in the Scouts…”

“Oh no. I’m not stripping down with you and huddling for warmth. I don’t have to be an Eagle Scout to know that’s what you’re thinking.”

“So you’d rather freeze to death?”

“If I had to pick a way to die, freezing wouldn’t be the worst.”

Rolling his eyes, Ray stood. “Well, I’m getting naked, and if you don’t join me I’m going to die that much faster.” He tried not to show embarrassment as Snart watched him with laser focus, blue eyes awfully challenging. Ray pulled his shirt over his head and his boots and pants off, and stood there shivering while Snart continued to watch him.

It was another minute or so before Snart moved or spoke, and it was a long minute where Ray really thought Snart was just going to watch him die. Until… “Fine. I don’t want your death on my conscience if I get rescued and you’re an Atomcicle. I wouldn’t be able to take the way everyone would look at me.”

“Great?” That was good, right?

Sighing, Snart stood and stripped down to his boxers. “Now what?”

“Um… We’ll just… Pick a corner and we’ll use our clothing as a cover. Mostly your jacket.”

“Good thing I always get naked in order to cover up.”

“Not everything you say has to drip with sarcasm.”

“I don’t know any other way to speak.” Ray couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.

They found the most sheltered corner of the room, and lay down and tried to get comfortable. Ray’s back was against the wall, Snart’s back exposed to the room but with his jacket covering as much of both of them as it could, their pants and Ray’s shirt covering their entwined legs. Their boots were back on, which was just rather awkward considering the position, but why forgo keeping their feet warm?

After a few minutes, Ray was actually starting to feel a little better, and eventually Snart said, “This isn’t so bad.” Indeed they weren’t shivering anymore.

“I told you so.”

And maybe… Maybe being pressed chest-to-chest with Snart wasn’t the worst thing to happen to Ray recently.

Then he realized they were also pressed groin-to-groin when he felt something stir against him. Even though they were explicitly avoiding looking at each other, which was hard when they were facing each other, Ray could tell Snart was looking as far away from Ray as possible. “Um.” Snart continued to not look at him. “Are you okay?”

Another sigh, and Ray could tell it took a lot of willpower for Snart to shift his eyes back to him. “Raymond.” He hesitated before continuing. “There was a very specific reason I resisted stripping down with you. But there isn’t much point in holding back now.” Enjoying himself far too much, Ray didn’t say anything, leaving a space for Snart to fill. He eventually did with, “I was afraid of what you’d think of me, if you knew I may be interested in you in a certain way.”

That… That wasn’t what Ray had been expecting at all. “What?”

Snart shifted to look at him more directly. “You being king of the Boy Scouts, the poster organization for homophobia. And me being... not entirely straight.”

“You… You thought I wouldn’t like you because you’re bisexual?”

“No. I thought you’d hate me because I’m attracted to you.”

“You… You are?”

The drawl that accompanied most of Snart’s words seemed even more exaggerated now. “I’m not… the best at expressing myself. I tease you like a boy pulls a girl’s pigtails on the playground.”

“You’re mean to me because you like me?”

“I’ve appreciated how dense you are regarding the topic at hand. It lets me… be more myself. ...the self that is incapable of hiding his interest, and will also understand if you want to put your clothes back on and get away from me.”

“I… I had no idea.”

“See my previous statement.” Snart started to pull away, and Ray held him tighter to him.

“Just because I’m an Eagle Scout doesn’t mean I believe in all of the Scouts’ doctrine. But growing up a Scout meant I had to be the perfect Scout at all times. So I couldn’t let myself…” He trailed off and looked deeper into Snart’s eyes, hoping he’d take the hint.

He did, after a moment of searching Ray’s eyes, closing the rest of the space between them and pressing their lips together. It was not even in the top ten of Ray’s most awkward kisses, and in some ways it actually felt right, especially the little surge of enjoyment when he realized that Snart was fully hard against him. He opened his mouth as Snart’s tongue pressed forward, and Snart’s hips shoved him against the wall.

It wasn’t long before he was hard, too, rocking awkwardly against Snart.

Somehow Snart managed to turn them until Ray was on his back, Snart’s thigh between his, giving them both something to rub against. At one point Ray’s common sense came crawling back, and he pulled his mouth off of Snart’s. “We’re sweating, which will just make us colder and freeze faster.”

“Unless we keep doing this.”

“I think you’re missing the point.”

After a frustrated snort, Snart asked, “Which would you rather do, freeze to death huddling for warmth, or freeze to death having a marathon of orgasms?”

“I suppose when you put it that way, you make a compelling argument.”

“I often do.”

“Underneath the sarcasm.”

“Or on top, depending on how you look at it.”

Snart ducked back down for more kissing and shifted his hips to an even better position, and soon Ray didn’t care about how uncomfortable the floor was or how uncomfortable his boxer briefs were even with his cock pulled out of them; all he could focus on was Snart’s cock against his and how close he was to coming. Snart snaking his hand in between them, wrapping around both of them and giving them a couple long, hard strokes was enough to push Ray over, Snart close behind with a grunt.

He continued to stroke them gently until it was too much for both of them, and he pulled his hand from between them only to wipe it off on Ray’s side. “Thanks.”

“My hand is sticky.”

I’m sticky.”

“Next time you can be on top.”

“That would be…” fantastic “ adequate compromise.”

They huddled to keep warm while they caught their breath, and Ray felt himself drifting off until Snart shook him. “Don’t fall asleep. First of all, it’s rude, and second of all, you’re going to die.”

“So wake me up again.”

“Your turn this time, remember? Show me what you got.”

Ray wasn’t used to being challenged in bed, and didn’t find it surprising that he found it a bit of a turn-on. Or maybe it was just that it was Snart doing the challenging. At least now Ray understood why Snart’s mocking frustrated him so much--he’d wanted him to really like him.

It was three orgasms later that the bulkhead doors were opened, and Ray found himself both grateful they were rescued, and upset that he and Snart were no longer trapped together. They dressed quickly, before anyone actually made it to the engine room to check on them, and they acted as though nothing untoward had happened, even though he was sure they reeked of sex, and they were itchy everywhere their semen had dried.

And if everyone gave them sideways or knowing glances, well, he and Snart had agreed to keep their new relationship to themselves, at least for the time being.

What happened in poorly designed sealed engine rooms stayed in poorly designed sealed engine rooms.

Ray didn’t even mind being a cliché--he’d been called worse. Heck, Snart had even called him worse.

But now there was a great way for Snart to make it up to him.