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faithfulfox: This is going to be one of those things, isn't it?

i_marcus: One of what things?

faithfulfox: Like LMFAO…

i_marcus: I beg your pardon?

faithfulfox: You know, like when you said, Oh, that stupid song that's always on the radio, it's so bloody annoying
faithfulfox: And then a week later you were all
faithfulfox: PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUUUUSE TONIIIIIGHT

i_marcus: This is not 'one of those things'.
i_marcus: I only said that many of Dr MacCunoval's theories about Celtic religion are totally unfounded
i_marcus: And his insistence on peddling them to the rest of the department gets on my nerves.
i_marcus: Plus, it's not my fault that that song's so bloody catchy.

faithfulfox: MARCUS I CAN TELL THAT YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM

i_marcus: Please desist from capslock 
i_marcus: It's really too early for you to be shouting at me.

faithfulfox: Ohhhh fine, but admit it! You want to kiss his face! And other places…

i_marcus: I'm not admitting anything, C.
i_marcus: That is just my professional opinion

faithfulfox: Why are you even in today if not to ogle his sweet behind from across the library?
faithfulfox: And to sit next to him at the departmental lunch like nbd nbd I want to eat you up nbd
faithfulfox: You totally could have worked from home today

i_marcus: I wanted to do the walk in, OK? For my leg.
i_marcus: Also:
i_marcus: We're not having this conversation

faithfulfox: YOU ALWAYS BRING UP YOUR LEG WHEN YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT
faithfulfox: THAT'S REVERSE ABLEISM OR SOMETHING

i_marcus: Cottia, some of us are not that childish

faithfulfox: YOU ARE
faithfulfox: YOU ARE A BIG BABY WITH A CRUSH ON DR MAC
faithfulfox: Come on, just admit that you fancy him! 
faithfulfox: I think it's an important step in your personal development…

i_marcus: Just because I'm out at work now, it doesn't mean I have to start seducing my male colleagues
i_marcus: Being gay doesn't actually work like that, you know
i_marcus: We don't just zero in on the nearest available man
i_marcus: Regardless of whether his latest book makes us want to tear our own faces off

faithfulfox: Oh so now I'm a homophobe for wanting you and Dr Mac to have hot makeouts??
faithfulfox: What is so wrong about that?????
faithfulfox: (I'm trying to replace the capslock with excessive punctuation I HOPE THAT IS MORE ACCEPTABLE)

i_marcus: If you could type like a normal person that would be much more acceptable than either option
i_marcus: But who am I kidding? That'll never happen
i_marcus: Judging by the first drafts of your papers, you just stab the keyboard repeatedly and hope something resembling words comes out

faithfulfox: OOH, SRS ACADEMIC CRITIQUES FROM DR AQUILA
faithfulfox: THAT WAS A LOW BLOW BTW, DRAFTING IS PART OF MY LEARNING PROCESS

i_marcus: Anyway you're not homophobic, C, you're just really annoying

faithfulfox: Ahhh but in a cute way, right? Annoyingly ADORABLE
faithfulfox: I'm persistent, like an eager little spaniel!

i_marcus: Listen, I'll see you at the departmental lunch, OK?

faithfulfox: OOH WILL YOU BE SHARING SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS WITH DR MAC LIKE OUT OF LADY AND THE TRAMP

i_marcus is now offline.


*


faithfulfox: Hey, what was the matter with you as I left lunch?
faithfulfox: You looked like you wanted to throw Dr Mac up against the nearest wall
faithfulfox: And not in a good way
faithfulfox:???

i_marcus: There was an…
i_marcus: Incident, shall we say.

faithfulfox: Oh god, is THAT what was going on over by Prof Placido's homemade tiramisu?
faithfulfox: It looked like quite the conversation

i_marcus: Yes, I left soon after you did actually
i_marcus: The atmosphere turned somewhat, um, frosty

faithfulfox: Oh god he turned you down didn't he
faithfulfox: Is this gonna be like that time last year?
faithfulfox: You know, when you practically went into hiding because that one guy never called you back?
faithfulfox: Babe if you made an advance and he blocked, it isn't the end of the world!
faithfulfox: Me and Murna recovered from that
faithfulfox: Eventually
faithfulfox: Now I even go over for dinner with her and Mr Murna!
faithfulfox: Remind me to tell you about the last time btw, it was hilarious

i_marcus: Cottia

faithfulfox: But babe don't worry about Dr Mac
faithfulfox: It might be awkward for a bit but you'll both get over it

i_marcus: Cottia!

faithfulfox: ?

i_marcus: I didn't come on to him, you absolute imbecile!

faithfulfox: Oh.

i_marcus: We were talking about the Silchester excavation.

faithfulfox: Oh. Ohhh god.

i_marcus: Yeah, I know. 
i_marcus: Placido brought it up!
i_marcus: I answered some question he had about that find from last week, and then he just fucking disappeared and left us to keep talking about it

faithfulfox: Gee thanks, Servio!

i_marcus: Well, yes.
i_marcus: It's not like he doesn't know how Dr MacCunoval and I can, um, differ in our professional opinions.

faithfulfox: Yeah, that's one way of putting it…

i_marcus: And it was like the next thing I knew, Dr MacCunoval was glaring at me and delivering some choice words about my father.

faithfulfox: Oh god Marcus
faithfulfox: Poor baby : (
faithfulfox: How come it got so personal?

i_marcus: Cottia I do not need you to patronise me, I get enough of that from Placido.
i_marcus: We were talking about the find, I said that the strap's not the right shape for a riding harness
i_marcus: I mean I was telling you about it yesterday, it's obviously been nowhere near a horse

faithfulfox: Mm, you were very certain of it

i_marcus: Of course I bloody was!
i_marcus: Then MacCunoval said, "harnesses aren't just for horses, Dr Aquila" 
i_marcus: And he gave me this odd look
i_marcus: Like I was supposed to glean a hidden meaning? I still don't know, honestly
i_marcus: Maybe it was supposed to be some kind of metaphor about my father, god knows
i_marcus: Anyway I said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, a bit of leather's hardly going to be anything worth writing a paper on
i_marcus: …Turns out he does want to write a paper on it
i_marcus: He's already started researching whatever the fuck he thinks it is
i_marcus: And things got heated soon enough after that

faithfulfox: : (

i_marcus: I gave as good as I got, in all honesty.
i_marcus: I mean, his own background is far from spotless
i_marcus: Last I heard, most of his family was in prison…

faithfulfox: Marcus, that's low
faithfulfox: You of all people should appreciate that!

i_marcus: Oh, don't you start, too!
i_marcus: I've had just about enough of this.
i_marcus: Everyone wants to take potshots at me
i_marcus: Easy Target Dr Aquila!
i_marcus: Like my shit is any worse than the rest of yours

faithfulfox: Marcus, it's not like that…

i_marcus: You think I don't know what it's like?

faithfulfox: Babe, are you in your office?
faithfulfox: I'm coming over

i_marcus: Much good may it do you!

i_marcus is now offline.





From: esca.maccunoval
To: servio.placido, amar.jibril, valerie.rufus, lewis.troy, dai.craddock, marcus.aquila, cottia.volpone
Subject: JRS Article

Dear all,

My article, 'Sex in Roman Britain: Reconstructing Erotic Experiences', will be published in the next edition of the Journal of Roman Studies. I attach the file in case anybody in the department is interested in seeing it prior to publication.

Dr Esca MacCunoval

Attachment: Sex_in_Roman_Britain.doc Sex in Roman Britain: Reconstructing Erotic Experiences It is difficult to reconstruct the erotic lives of the ordinary people of Roman Britain…[View entire attachment] [Download attachment]


From: cottia.volpone
To: amar.jibril, lewis.troy, dai.craddock, marcus.aquila
Subject: Dr Mac

Why the fuck did he do that?
-C

From: amar.jibril
To: cottia.volpone, lewis.troy, dai.craddock, marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Dr Mac

Gloating. I would have thought that was obvious.

Amar

From: dai.craddock
To: amar.jibril, cottia.volpone, lewis.troy, marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: Dr Mac

Guys, I emailed him to ask what it was about and got this:

>Certain people didn't seem to think that there was anything
>interesting about the finds from this summer's excavation at 
>Silchester, and yet my article disproves that quite succinctly. 
>
>I just thought that some of the department might benefit 
>from having it pointed out to them that they are not, in fact, 
>always right.
>
>Best wishes,
>
>Esca

??

- Dai

From: cottia.volpone
To: amar.jibril, lewis.troy, dai.craddock, marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Dr Mac

Dai, have you read the article? 

-C

From: dai.craddock
To: amar.jibril, cottia.volpone, lewis.troy, marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dr Mac

I just read it.

Ah. 

- Dai

*

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Help

Does this count as sexual harassment? Can I get Placido on him??

M

From: cottia.volpone
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Help

Baby, he was pointing out that you underestimated the find. That's all. Maybe he was being a complete dick about it, but that's academia.

-C

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Re: Help

You didn't hear his comments at lunch. The ones about how I need to "broaden my ideas about sexual experience".

From: marcus.aquila
To: esca.maccunoval
Subject: That Silchester find

I'd appreciate it if you stopped using the fact that you were right about it, and I was wrong, to make inappropriate comments about my sexuality. 

I won't be informing Professor Placido as yet, but I have recorded some of your remarks in writing in case the matter needs to be pursued.

Just because you identified the first known Roman British sex swing, it does not give you free reign to act however you want, and it could be argued that your comments constitute homophobia.

Dr Marcus Aquila

From: cottia.volpone
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: MARCUS

DO NOT EMAIL HIM ABOUT IT

I CAN FEEL YOUR URGE TO DO IT FROM DOWN THE HALLWAY

JUST

DON'T

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Re: MARCUS

Too late.

M

From: cottia.volpone
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: MARCUS

OH GOD, HAS HE REPLIED???

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Fwd: Re: That Silchester find

-------Forwarded Message-------
From: esca.maccunoval
To: marcus.aquila

I'm gay too, Dr Aquila. And my comments aren't 
intended to be personal; they're merely designed to 
point out that your understanding of Roman erotic 
practices, as far as one can tell from your published 
writings, is far from complete. Approaching every new 
find with an open mind can be the difference between 
throwing away a little bit of history and finding 
something which enhances our understanding of Roman 
life.

Dr Esca MacCunoval

P.S. Technically, it's free rein, not reign – appropriately 
enough, given we're discussing a harness. Though, the 
phrase seems to have mutated, since so many people 
think it refers to sovereigns, rather than horses – so the 
best approach would probably be to accept that either 
spelling is now the 'right' one. I think linguists call it being 
descriptive rather than prescriptive – simply describing
how people use language, rather than imposing their own 
ideas on what they find.

P. P. S. I realise that being gay does not exempt me from 
being homophobic automatically, but I thought that you 
might not be aware that I was, and that your accusation 
might be at least partly based on the idea that I'm One 
of Those Straights, when I'm, um, really not.

-------Message Ends-------

From: cottia.volpone
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: See??

He isn't homophobically sexually harassing you, he just thinks you have a stick up your arse.

(He's kind of right)

(I mean, I love you, but)

(Seriously babe)

xoxo

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Fuck off.

Really. Right off.

From: cottia.volpone
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Fuck off.

Also, how can he be so bloody adorable even when he's being a smug git? With his linguistic descriptivism and his Penchant for Capitalising Things. And you like the aloof type, as well, I know your MO… 

I bet you're practically salivating, aren't you?

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Re: Re: Fuck off.

Please stop harassing me, or I will be forced to call the police.

Also, I hate you.

From: marcus.aquila
To: esca.maccunoval
Subject: Re: Re: That Silchester find

Listen, we've both said things we oughtn't to have said. How about we go for a drink after work one day and try and put the whole matter to bed? I admit I was too dismissive of the harness, and I'm planning to look at your article's bibliography in order to learn more about the history of erotic equipment, since you're right in saying that that's not my area of expertise. If we can keep personal matters out of it, I'm sure we can get along civilly.

Marcus

From: esca.maccunoval
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: Re: That Silchester find

I've attached a couple of articles about disability and sex in the Roman world, which I think you may find instructive, given my speculations about the particular functionality of the Silchester swing.

A drink would be fine. Friday?

Esca

Attachment: Disability_in_Antiquity_Chapter_12.doc CHAPTER 12 THE IMPERFECT BODY IN ROMAN THOUGHT We have seen that to be a Roman man was to be strong and whole, both mentally and physically… [View entire attachment] [Download attachment]
Attachment: Some_Notes_on_Roman_Sexual_Positions.pdf [View] [Download]
Attachment: Sex_and_the_Stereotype_Ch2.doc Chapter 2: A Short History of Disabled Sex The stigma around the sex lives of people with disabilities has long prevented communication about disabled sex from… [View entire attachment] [Download attachment]

From: marcus.aquila
To: cottia.volpone
Subject: Oh god, Cottia, I just looked at his article again

I was so blinded by anger the first time I looked at it that I'd managed to avoid noticing one tiny, little, insignificant thing.

Apparently, the Silchester sex swing was essentially designed for me, only in the 2nd century. 

As in, whoever used it probably had pretty much the same disability I have. 

As in, now I have to go for a drink with Dr MacCunoval and talk about my disability and sex and not bring up either my father or his and is it actually possible to papercut yourself to death with a printout of an email attachment? Because death by my copy of this FUCKING article would actually be preferable.

M

From: cottia.volpone
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Oh god, Cottia, I just looked at his article again

YOU'RE GOING FOR A DRINK????

?????





From: esca.maccunoval
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tuesday night

Oh, by the way, I should warn you – Liathan doesn't really have a filter; he'll say pretty much anything, in any company. I think he stopped giving a fuck around 2005 and hasn't really looked back. Nearly drowning will do that to you, I guess – but I should let him tell you about that.

Though, given we spent most of our first date talking about sex swings, I don't know if you even need to be warned about my friends.

;)

E

From: marcus.aquila
To: esca.maccunoval
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tuesday night

You invited me to a multimedia performance exhibition entitled "Get Your Freak On: Passion and Perversion", and you want to warn me that your friends might get a bit boisterous? Whatever you say, Dr MacCunoval...

M

PS. That was a date?? If I'd known at the time, I think I might have behaved rather differently.

From: esca.maccunoval
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tuesday night

It's not that he's "boisterous" as such – more that he'll probably corner you at some point and try to have an in-depth conversation with you about how BDSM changed his life. He, um, does that.

E

From: esca.maccunoval
To: marcus.aquila
Subject: Also of course it was a date

You stupid fuck.

x

From: marcus.aquila
To: esca.maccunoval
Subject: Stupid but flexible!

Pretty sure I can handle Liathan. Having more trouble accepting that I somehow asked you out without realising it, and then argued with you all night about erotic furniture – but, hey, if I can cope with frank discussions about sex swings, disability (and my disability), and your best friend's BDSM lifestyle, I can probably manage to work on that, too.

M

x





From: amar.jibril
To: <list-name:all-students>
Subject: Summer Term Staff Talks

Dear Classics and Ancient History students,

Here is a schedule of the talks to be given this term by the department's staff. They are free of charge, and open to all students.

Towards an Understanding of Attican Drainage Systems (Professor Servio Placido)
18th April, 2.15pm
Pankhurst Lecture Theatre
Professor Placido's talk once again looks in detail at the sewers and drainage systems of Athens and Attica, paying particular attention to new excavations currently taking place in the Thorikos region.

Corinna the Poet: Women's Words in Latin Love Elegy (Dr Cottia Volpone & Dr Dai Craddock)
1st June, 3pm
Room S1.1, Stratford Woolf Building
"She sets her writings against ancient Corinna's, and thinks Corinna's inferior to hers…" Drs Volpone and Craddock will discuss whether women can be said to have a voice within the masculine frame of the Latin elegiac genre.

Pleasure and Practicality: the Mechanics of Ancient Sex (Dr Esca MacCunoval & Dr Marcus Aquila)
21st July, 2.15pm
Following the discovery of what is thought to be a Roman 'sex swing' device during last summer's excavations at Silchester, Drs MacCunoval and Aquila give a talk about sex in the Ancient World, with particular attention to issues of disability. Their joint publication on the topic is forthcoming.

Please do support your staff and attend these talks, which are sure to be very enlightening.

Best wishes,

Prof Jibril