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I Feel it, Too

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Eijun finished brushing his teeth, spitting the rest of the spittle that remained in his mouth into the sink. He stretched and yawned, wondering to himself if Miyuki had fallen asleep yet. He thought about yelling and asking him, but he didn’t want to wake him in case he had, so he discarded the idea. Considering the fact that he didn’t hear any more of Miyuki’s lazy calls for him to hurry up since he was getting cold, it was probably safe to assume that he had made the right choice in staying silent.

Quietly, he turned off the light and padded over to his-no, their bed. Eijun smiled to himself; he was still adjusting to their living arrangements. Sure, he had lived with others before (he could never forget about Kuramochi and Masuko and eventually Harucchi and Furuya), but living with the one you had interest in, well, that way was a whole new ball game. As much as Miyuki grated on his nerves, Eijun could never deny the little jumps his heart did every time he saw Miyuki’s stupid smirk or heard his stupid laugh.

Sleeping together was also a big change that, if Eijun was being honest with himself, still made him jumpy with equal bouts of excitement and nerves.

The dorm, of course, had come with two beds, and at the beginning of the semester, the two boys had slept in their respective areas. Until that fateful day after their first college baseball game that had changed their relationship from just catcher and pitcher to something more, something that reminded Eijun of brightly lit stars and promises in honey colored eyes.

It was the eighth inning, the score 9-10, with runners on second and third. The coach called for a pitcher change to switch in Eijun, which surprised everyone, Eijun included; he was only a first year, and he was already going to play? His stomach had jumped into his throat, the nerves making him shake slightly as he walked towards the mound.

As soon as he stepped foot on the mound, he felt a strong urge to look forward, demanding his attention, and he looked to where Miyuki was kneeling, smiling, waiting for him. Just like that, his nerves left him, and he felt his heart lighten. He lifted his leg into a wind up and threw his heart with the first pitch to Miyuki in what felt like a lifetime.

When Eijun threw the winning strike, the final score 13-12, the stadium had gone silent for a second before erupting into cheers. Eijun stood there, panting in his after pitch position, before he felt the elation swirl through every part of his body. An almost painful grin stretched onto his face, and he looked forward to where Miyuki was walking towards him, his smile the most beautiful thing Eijun had ever seen in his entire life. Despite the fatigue he had felt, his legs burst towards his catcher with renewed energy, and Miyuki caught Eijun in a bone-shattering embrace.

“Nice ball, Sawamura,” Miyuki had murmured low and soft into Eijun’s ear, and Eijun suppressed a shiver. “You don’t know how much I missed your weird pitching form,” Miyuki finished with a smirk.

The moment ruined, Eijun moved his head back to give Miyuki a glare and make a snarky comeback on how he most definitely hadn’t missed him and his stupid glasses, but instead he made a surprised mmph from the feeling of Miyuki’s lips on his own. Eijun stood there in their embrace in utter astonishment, letting the foreign touch sink in for a second to make sure it was real before hungrily kissing back. After a few moments, they mutually pulled apart and stared at each other, both at a loss of breath and words. Eijun beamed broadly, his eyes closing in elation, and brought their foreheads together.

“For the record,” Eijun retorted smugly, “I didn’t miss your stupid glasses.”

Miyuki laughed softly before pecking his lips once more, and they walked closer than two friends should back to the dugout.

That night marked the first Eijun’s bed was left cold from lack of an inhabitant.

They still slept on opposite sides, though, much to Eijun’s relief and disappointment. Not that it mattered much, anyway; they were always a tangle of limbs in the morning thanks to Eijun’s erratic sleeping patterns. Eijun would always wake up to different parts of his body strewn over Miyuki or Miyuki hanging on for dear life on what little he had left on his side. Miyuki would always give Eijun an over-exaggerated exasperated look that would lead into endless teasing, indignant bickering, and red-faced kisses.

With a sigh, he pulled the covers up so he could slip under them, trying to not rustle them too much. Before he did, he spared a few moments to gaze at Miyuki’s face. As much as he loved Miyuki’s glasses (not that he would ever admit that to him, though), he couldn’t deny how charming and young he looked without them. He had fallen asleep under where his pillows were, probably because of an uncomfortable kink in his neck that he had had all week from midterm exam stress. His mouth was slightly open into a little o, breaths soft and slow.

Miyuki looked so different compared to his usual cocky awake self, Eijun noted; instead of high-raised, confident eyebrows and a bold wide grin, his eyebrows were furrowed slightly and his lips were pulled into a small frown. Most people slept with a peaceful or relaxed look on their face, but Miyuki almost always slept with this expression. It made Eijun’s heart clench with pained curiosity.

Even though they had been living together for a few weeks now, Miyuki still hadn’t shared much about his personal life with him. Eijun sometimes felt as if he still didn’t know Miyuki at all.

Slightly frowning, he slid under the now somewhat cold covers and faced away from Miyuki, absentmindedly thinking about his classes for the next day. So much to do, so little time, he sighed to himself.

Just as he felt his thoughts blur as they drifted into unconsciousness, he felt strong arms wrap around his abdomen. With a squeak, Eijun felt himself stiffen in surprise.

It’s not as if he wasn’t used to cuddling, of course they did that quite frequently now. But being used to the usual distance between them in bed, the sudden warmth around his stomach made his face heat up. Eijun marveled in dazed awe at the unfamiliar contact in such an intimate place.

The warm vise tightened, and Eijun gasped at the sudden pressure. Miyuki’s arms continued to snake around him, bringing Eijun’s body closer to him until Eijun was curled into Miyuki’s upper half, his forehead resting in between Eijun’s shoulderblades.

Eijun lay there in Miyuki’s embrace in utter shock, his mouth falling open and the blush reaching his ears and neck, a new personal record. He didn’t dare move a single muscle, barely allowing himself to breathe. What was going on? His heart began to race as if he were running with his tire after practice. Miyuki never made this much physical contact in bed; his head swam from the sudden adrenaline and explanations that buzzed through his mind.

Okay, stay calm; whatever the reason, it probably doesn’t mean anything anyway, Eijun thought to himself, eyes twitching back and forth nervously as his brain struggled to come up with an answer before he squeezed them shut. Just go to sleep and stop thinking about it, maybe you can ask him about it tomorrow- no wait, maybe I shouldn’t, what if that makes it awkward between us, dammit Eijun just go to sleep-

“...hurts, mo-mmph”

Eijun froze, his eyes opening in bewilderment; that single, muffled noise pierced through his frenzied thoughts and made them come to a screeching halt. Forcing himself and his heart to calm down, he strained his ears and lay incredibly still. After a few moments of silence, he reasoned he had probably imagined it, until he felt Miyuki burrow his face into his back.

“Why do they hurt me, momma….I never did anything to them, I just want to catch, what’s so…wrong with that...” Miyuki sighed, a fleeting whisper Eijun wouldn’t have caught if he wasn’t listening so intently.

A few moments of silence, and Miyuki’s mumbling started anew, but with a different intonation that cracked Eijun’s heart.

“Please….I miss you so much,” Miyuki almost whimpered into his back, “don’t leave me…why did you leave me, why...come back to me, please...”

As Miyuki’s murmurs softly and slowly turned into slow breathing, Eijun started to tremble, hot tears burning as they slid down his cheeks. A sob threatened to escape him, and he quickly covered his mouth with both hands in an attempt to block the noise.

There was so much pain laced in those faint, fuzzy words that Eijun couldn’t even recognize Miyuki’s voice, the voice he thought he knew so well and treasured so much. How much had Miyuki been through? He’s so strong, hiding it so well and enduring it for who knows how long, Eijun thought forlornly, the sobs quietly racking his body.

“I really don’t know you at all, Kazuya,” Eijun whispered into their dark room.

With one fluid motion, he turned around in Kazuya’s arms and cradled his head in his arms before planting a kiss on top of his head.

“I don’t know what hurts you, but know that I feel it too,” Eijun murmured into Kazuya’s hair, “and it hurts so much to know that I can’t do a thing. I hope one day you can trust me enough to tell me what has caused you so much pain.”

“But for tonight, know that I will never leave you.” Eijun placed his chin on top of Kazuya’s head, moving his arms down to Kazuya’s neck.

“I love you so much it hurts, you idiot. Don’t ever forget that. I’ll always be here waiting for you, no matter what…”
Eijun continued to whisper soothing, sniffling assurances until drowsiness overtook him, and he closed his heavy eyelids.

Right before his consciousness left him, Eijun heard a shuddering breath come from beneath him, and he instinctively tightened his embrace.