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Kurt Gets 'Pooled

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Leonard Hofstadter adjusted the toque on his head for the hundredth time as he made his way back home. The pom-pom bothered him. But that wasn’t the thing making him self-conscious tonight.

Once again, he’d gone to confront Penny’s ex-boyfriend, Kurt. And, just like the last time, he’d been humiliated. He was a grown man with a doctorate in physics, but when he ran into some musclehead he was right back in high school gym class.

At least, he thought, this day can’t get any worse. And even though he hadn’t said it out loud, the universe still decided to jinx him. Something hot, wet and sticky exploded against the side of his face with enough force to knock him over.

Leonard sat up on the sidewalk and wiped his face, and discovered he’d been hit by a burrito.

“What the...” he began.

“Hey!” someone nearby shouted. “I was going to eat that!”

Leonard looked up in time to see two figures coming at him, locked in combat. One was naked, scaly and tentacled. The other wore a red costume. A Marvel Comics character, Leonard noticed as he leapt out of their way.

Specifically, Deadpool.

Leonard hit the deck and covered his head. The combatants rolled past him into the street. There were several slicing sounds, followed by a wet squelch. The squelch was accompanied by a loud inhuman scream that would haunt Leonard’s nightmares for years.

A moment after that, there was a muffled splash.

Leonard looked up once more. The naked scaly thing with the tentacles was gone. The guy in the Deadpool costume stood over an open manhole cover, looking down into the sewer below.

“Sewer later, asshole!” Deadpool said. Then he cocked his head and added, “Yeah, I know it was lame. Shut up!”

Leonard stood as quietly as he could. This - whatever it was - wasn’t something he ought to be mixed up in. Had that been a real fight? Had the tentacled one fallen into the manhole? Taking your cosplay a little too seriously, there...

Having thought that, however, Leonard had to acknowledge the Deadpool costume was amazingly authentic. Especially Bea and Arthur, the katanas in Deadpool’s hands.

Was that... blood dripping from the blades?

And what was that thing next to his left boot that looked like a tentacle but couldn’t possibly be a tentacle because that would mean he’d cut it off the scaly guy and it has to be just a costume piece but then why is it leaking goo and stuff?

“Hey buddy,” Deadpool said, “you still got my burrito?”

Leonard gulped. He’d stayed and admired the guy’s costume for too long.

“N...no, sorry,” he said. “It kinda... hit my face. And fell. To the pavement. Sorry,” he added, just in case his first sorry hadn’t registered.

Deadpool sheathed both swords behind his back and turned around.

“It did? Bummer! I am soooo hungry.” He paused, cocked his head again, and said, “No, I’m not gonna lick it off his face! I don’t know where that face has been.”

“I could... get you another one...?” Leonard offered. He did really want to, but he didn’t want to find himself on the end of Bea or Arthur, either.

“You will? Fantastic!” Deadpool said.

“Is your friend hungry, too?” Leonard heard himself asking.

“Who? Oh, right,” Deadpool replied. “No. Nah, he’s... he’s not hungry.”

“Is he... okay?” Leonard indicated the tentacle by the costumed man’s foot.

“Oh yeah! Suuure! That guy is totally not dead,” Deadpool said, and he swiped the tentacle into the manhole. “He lives down there. Like a Ninja Turtle. It’s his way. Hey!” he pointed at Leonard, then strode forward. “I know you.”

“You do?” Leonard backed away.

“Yeah, you’re Leonard Hogfather!”

“Hofstadter,” he corrected automatically, backing until he hit the storefront behind him. “I don’t recognize you, what with the mask... but I know a lot of people in the cosplay community. Maybe we met at a convention?”

“A convention? Cosplay?” Deadpool said, then he looked up sharply. “Yes, I know what cosplay is, thank you very much.”

Leonard’s eyes narrowed in confusion, and then realization dawned.

“Oh, you’re doing Deadpool’s other voices!” he said. “You really take your performance all the way.”

Deadpool stared at him, and Leonard swore is mask frowned.

“Kid,” he said, “I am not cosplaying. I’m not a guy in a costume.” He paused. “Okay, yes, I am a guy, in a costume. But I’m not a guy dressed up as the fictional character Deadpool.” Another pause. “Okay, I am that too. But that’s because I am Deadpool.”

“O-kay,” Leonard said. “Look, I should...”

“You don’t believe me,” Deadpool said. It wasn’t a question.

“Now, I didn’t say that,” Leonard said quickly. “It’s just, well... given that Deadpool is a comic book character...”

Deadpool snatched off his mask.

“Believe me now?”

Leonard gasped. The guy’s face was a turd sandwich wrapped in baboon anal sex. Bad skin was the least of its problems.

“Whoa, that’s... really authentic,” Leonard said.

“It’s my authentic face,” Deadpool told him.

“You must be really good with prosthetics,” Leonard went on before he could stop himself.

“Lenny,” Deadpool said, “I’m the real Deadpool. I’m not an imaginary character. Well, not in this context. Not exactly. This is a fanfic crossover, which kinda makes it even less real than most... look at it this way - I’m as real as you are, Leonard Halfbreeder. And yes, I know your name. I watch your show.”

“My... show?” Leonard’s head was beginning to swim. “I don’t... I think you have me confused with some other Leonard Halfbreeder... ahem, Hofstadter...”

“I know why you’re wearing that toque,” Deadpool said. “You went to Penny’s ex-boyfriend to get the money he owes her and he wrote I OWE PENNY $1800, KURT across your forehead in indelible ink.”

Leonard’s eyes bulged. This was getting surreal...

“I know because I saw the episode. Though I don’t remember the toque having a pom-pom on it... but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is, if you do have the words I OWE PENNY $1800, KURT written on your head, I’m right, you’re the Leonard Crocksandler I’m talking about, and I’m Deadpool.”

“That... sounds... reasonable,” Leonard said.

“So let’s have a look under the hood,” Deadpool said, and he whipped out a gun and shot the toque off Leonard’s head.

Leonard fainted. As he fell, but before he blacked out, he saw Deadpool pump his fist and say:

“There it is! Oh yeah. Who da ‘pool?”

 

Leonard awoke on an unfamiliar floor. He groaned, blinked and tried to regain his bearings. Where was he? And what had happened to...

“Aagh!” he screamed. It was Kurt, Penny’s ex-boyfriend. He was tied to a chair. He had a gag in his mouth - were those gym socks? He was also naked. And had clearly peed himself.

“Kurt?” he said, moving into a sitting position. “What’s going on?” Then he realized the stupidity of asking questions of a man with a gag.

Leonard looked around. They were in Kurt’s apartment. Right there on the coffee table was the marker Kurt had used to write on his head. And beside it on the table...
A gun. Possibly the same one that...

“Gaah!” Leonard suddenly remembered the events that had led to his fainting. He reached up and felt his head, and realized his toque was gone. It was on the coffee table. Next to the gun. And the pom-pom was gone.

Leaning against the coffee table was a sword. A katana. Bea. Or possibly Arthur.

One of Deadpool’s swords.

Leonard looked around frantically, but there was no sign of the Merc with the Mouth. Still...

“Is he here?” Leonard whispered.

Kurt nodded. He looked terrified.

“Where?” Leonard whispered. “The kitchen?” Kurt shook his head. “Bathroom?” Another shake. “Bedroom?” Vigorous nod.

Leonard turned in the direction of the bedroom. The door was ajar, and flickering lights came from within. And sounds. Moaning.

And unlikely dialogue.

“Fuck my ass, baby! Fuck it good!”

OMG, Leonard thought. Deadpool’s in Kurt’s bedroom, watching porn!

“Okay, stay calm,” Leonard said, to himself as much as to Kurt. “I’m gonna get help.”

There was a landline on the wall next to the kitchen; Leonard took three minutes to stealthily sneak over to it, only to find the line had been cut.

Damn!

The apartment door was on his right. Leonard looked at it, and realized he could make a run for it.

He could escape!

And bring back help, of course.

He turned back to look at Kurt, who stared at him with pleading eyes that seemed to say, “don’t leave me here with this psycho!”

Leonard shrugged apologetically and went to the door.

And stopped. He couldn’t just leave Kurt like that. He just plain couldn’t. It wasn’t what any of his heroes would have done. And he’d never be able to look Penny in the eye again.

Leonard crept back over to Kurt, and picked up Bea (Arthur?) on his way.

“Hold still,” he whispered, and he started cutting Kurt’s ropes. Freeing his legs was easy, but his wrists were bound behind him in the small space between the chair and the couch. Leonard tried to reach over and then around Kurt but couldn’t get the angle right.

“Sorry,” he said as he sat in Kurt’s lap. He reached around him again and leaned forward, resting his chin on Kurt’s shoulder. “Almost got it...”

“What. The. Hell?”

Leonard spun around so quick he fell off Kurt’s lap to the floor and dropped the sword. Deadpool stood in the bedroom doorway, his pants around his ankles and a stuffed pink unicorn held strategically in front of his nethers.

“I bring you over here, tie up this tampon stain and leave a gun and Arthur out here for you to kill him with, and instead you’re...”

“It’s not what it looks like!” Leonard cried, fumbling to pick up the sword (which apparently wasn’t Bea). “We were just... look, stay back!” He scrabbled backward away from Kurt, holding Arthur up in front of him.

“You were trying to cut him loose?” Deadpool said, pulling his pants up with one hand while keeping the unicorn in place with the other. “Dude, this is the douchenoodle who humiliated you. Twice! Didn’t you at least want to blow his kneecaps off?”

“What? No!” Leonard said. “That’s psychotic. Kurt’s a dick, sure, but he doesn’t deserve to get maimed or killed.”

“To each their own, Lenny,” Deadpool said, zipping himself back up. “I was trying to do you a solid, give you a chance to get even.”

“I don’t want to do that!” Leonard said. He rose to his feet, still holding the sword out in front of him. “I just wanted Penny to get her money back.”

Deadpool appeared to consider what he’d said. Then he seemed to be listening to a voice only he could hear. Possibly multiple voices.

“Yeah, I know, but we didn’t go to all this trouble just to not shoot somebody!” He kicked the coffee table, and the gun flew up and into his left hand. “If Lenny won’t kneecap the tool, I’ll have to.”

“No!” Leonard threw himself forward without thinking. Then he tripped, flew at Deadpool and impaled him up to Arthur’s hilt.

“Ow!” Deadpool said. “Lenny! Not cool.”

“Omigod,” Leonard backed away, his whole body shaking. “Omigod Imsosorry! I am so, so sorry...”

“You better be,” Deadpool said, and he grabbed Arthur and started sliding her out of his chest. “This is my favourite costume. Costs a bundle to get fixed.” The sword came out all the way, and Deadpool flipped it and caught it by the hilt.

Leonard watched in amazement as the wound, just visible through the tear in the costume, sealed up.

“You really are Deadpool!” he said. And he started to swoon.

“Aw, not again!” Deadpool stepped forward and caught him. “Sit down. Breathe. Stay with us. And you,” he pointed Arthur at Kurt, “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking Lenny here’s a big 'ol wuss, don’t ya?”

Kurt shrugged and nodded.

“And that’s why you’re a tool,” Deadpool lowered Leonard to the floor, then he holstered his gun. “I wasn’t really gonna shoot your kneecaps. I just wanted to see if you’d shit yourself.

“Where was I? Oh yeah, you’re a tool. You humiliated my pal here, and I gave him the perfect chance to get revenge. Instead, what does he do? He starts to cut you free!

“And it gets better! Deadpool circled Kurt’s chair, stabbed Arthur down into the seat a crotch hair away from Kurt’s... well, crotch, and then sat on the couch behind him. “Lenny has no idea how to hold a sword, let alone use one. And yet he attacked a highly-trained and lethal mercenary - that would be me - to save the knees of the guy who wrote on his face! That guy’s no wimp, Courteous Kurt. He’s a saint, dammit, a goddamn saint! You get what I’m telling you?”

Kurt nodded vigorously.

“Oh yeah! Like the alien said to the other aliens while training them to use the anal probe,” Deadpool said, “it can be taut!” He reached around Kurt and pulled his sword free of the chair, then wrapped his other arm around his waist.

“Here’s the thing, Kurtyous George,” Deadpool rested his chin on Kurt’s left shoulder, and kept Arthur hovering at eye level, “when I’m gone, you’re gonna think about taking revenge on Leonardo DaWimpy over there, aren’t ya? And maybe you’ll figure you don’t need to pay your ex her money, either. Hell, you’ll probably try to repress this whole thing from your memory. But I don’t want you to forget, Kurtilingus. I want to be seared into your skull, and pop up in your most intimate moments.

“Or, to put it another way,” Deadpool lowered Arthur toward Dan’s love sausage, “how’d you like to be Jewish?”

 

Leonard stared down into his cup of coffee. Across the table from him in the Taco Tuesday, Deadpool wolfed down his fifth burrito. They were the only customers; everyone else (including most of the staff) ran out when they got a load of Deadpool.

“I’ve... got to get back home,” Leonard said, adjusting his now-pompom-less toque on his head while the Regenerate Degenerate stuffed his face. “I’ve just... got to go.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Deadpool said as he began on the chimmichungas. Leonard had paid for his meal; it was, according to Deadpool, the least he could do.

Leonard got up to leave. Deadpool whipped out Bea and blocked Leonard’s path.

“Of course, if you want me to stay...” Leonard said.

“One more thing,” Deadpool wiped his mouth. “It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to tell your buddies about this. Especially Sheldon. He might believe you.”

“Um... okay,” Leonard said. He’d planned to put the whole thing out of his head as soon as possible.

“I mean, it would wreck continuity,” Deadpool went on. “You come back to your place, showed your forehead to your buddies, then hid it again when Penny dropped by to say that Kurt coughed up the dough and they’re dating again. At least, that’s what you will do. You did not mention having met yours sexy truly in the episode, so don’t do that now and everything will be fine.”

“Sure, yeah,” Leonard said.

“Then again, it probably doesn’t matter,” Deadpool sheathed Bea and stood up. “This is just a dumb fanfic, after all, so it’s hardly cannon.”

“Right,” Leonard edged his way closer to the restaurant door.

“And why am I in a prose fanfic, anyway?” Deadpool went on. “I only really work in a visual medium, like comics or movies. This would have been a great web comic if RodimusDoctor could actually draw for shit.
“Anyway, whatever. You can scoot. Go on.”

Leonard started to open the door, then stopped. He just had to say something.

“What you did,” Leonard said, “was really sick.”

“What, when I flicked his foreskin away and it hit you in the face?” Deadpool said. “I told you, that was an accident.”

“Not what I meant,” Leonard said, unconsciously scratching at the cheek where the nipped tip had landed. “What you did to Kurt...”

“And who was it who stopped me from cauterizing the wound? Not me, rhymes with Pleonard.”

“You’re... crazy,” Leonard said.

“Duh,” Deadpool replied, and continued with the chimmy goodness.

“Uh huh,” Leonard said. “Well, see you around, I guess.”

“Not likely,” said the Merc with the Mouth. “Big Bang Theory meets Deadpool? That’s a stupid crossover that shouldn’t have happened once, let alone twice. Bet you this doesn’t get so much as one lousy Kudo.”