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The Very Secret Diaries of Saint Augustine

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368
Mother gave me Latin bible. Discovered Christians believe in talking snakes, bushes and pillars of fire. Also do not know the name of their prophet’s grandfather and cannot spell. Suspect believers to be both illiterate and superstitious. Told Father. Mother angry. Re-read Hortensius instead, Cicero v. soothing.

371
Carthage. Discovered Plato, also girls. Think Father may have had a point. Had horoscope taken, predict will be famous, rich and celibate. Not convinced.

372
Disaster. Stars lied. Ena pregnant.

372
Discovered new religion. Have become Manichee. Solves all problems! All living things duality of good and evil. Wine v. bad. Melons and cucumbers v. good. Lower half body evil: top virtuous. Instructed to abstain sex, procreation also evil and forbidden to higher initiates. Find this thought most attractive, cannot thus be blamed for behaviour of lower half.
Ena not pleased. Also, still pregnant.

378
Wrote book on moral beauty of being alone and evils of pluralism. Ena gone to visit sister, taking Adeodatus with her, has not come back.
Find house lonely.
Feel may regret writing book.

384
Milan! Have had new business tablets cut – Professor of Rhetoric.
Mother came too.
Mother and Ena quarrelled. Mother intent on society wedding, wants grandchildren. Also, Ena does not speak Latin. Said, Adeodatus excellent son and Ena’s Greek fine. Mother said, not if you want to make something of yourself, Aurelius Augustine of Thagaste.
Fish merchant laughed at accent. Students sniggering in back row. Bought new toga (expense distressing), arranged elocution lessons.
Sent Ena back to Carthage.
Mother ecstatic. Also, have one promising student. Hands in homework on time, also excellent nose and noble brow.
Bed v. cold, but lower half of body still evil. Ergo, did not resist professional young lady at baths: found sex without affection stimulating but hollow.
However, have made appointment for following week.

385
Missing Ena. Must have looked miserable – picked up by citizen in forum. Turned out to be fellow academic, also Christian. Most enjoyable exchange if a little messy, although cannot understand why otherwise intelligent fellow follows such childish story-telling. Agreed to attend readings. Curious. More importantly, have discovered new religion! Toes no longer evil, but part of great chain of being. Have returned to taking baths. Mother happier. Pophyry suggests meatless and sexless diet in order for soul to attain true knowledge of ultimate Oneness and also, that divine light illuminates All. Am now Plotinian Neoplatonist.
Have given up fish. (Again.) Sex proving more difficult. Invited Alypius to move in, but wish Ena was here. Mother parading prospective wives younger than Adeodatus, with no conversation.

385
Christian opposition to evident truth surprisingly doughty. Re-reading Latin bible in order to understand arguments against Neoplatonist ideals, and am unexpectedly in sympathy with the clearly educated Paul – a man after my own heart, a slave to lust and a seeker for truth. Irritated with students, unwell, distracted by external world of the body – Plotinus not providing promised revelation of spirit. Feel cursed.

386
Wrote Ena.
Rejected. Has found new lover. At her age! Says has achieved companionship.
Wracked by jealousy.

386
Resolved to become Christian martyr, crucified before lions.
That’ll show her.

386
Mother beside herself. Believes conversion all down to her teaching. Had to invent moment of revelation to forestall maternal outpourings: luckily, had bible to hand. Page fell open at Damascene Conversion. Said to Mother, saw the light. Mother immediately suggested dinner parties for eligible Christian girls of good family. Told her was going to become monk. Alypius said, great idea, me too. Also v. pleased no wife interupting private discussion. Looked shifty.

388
Discovered Milan aesthetics v. expensive: seasonable habit change required. Decided to found monastery at home instead. Alypius coming too.

390
Adeodatus dead. No words but grief.
Mother too.

391
Went to Hippo for salt and corn. Shortage of Christian priests more onerous than first thought: kidnapped and ordained. Fled home before tonsuring. Alypius not pleased.

392
Incensed. Came across ridiculous translation of scripture from the Hebrew, uncanonical and without notes. From Hebrew! Discovered to my horror translator Jerome, of the excellent, scholarly version taken from the Greek. Wrote. Was exceedingly polite, although broke three styli in the writing.

394
Monastery failed. Went to Hippo, where church v. short staffed. As only literate member, agreed to be Bishop provided could keep hair. Given palace, also library. Paid by tithe. Feel may be some advantages to new role.

395
Jerome replies. Defensive. Pressed case.

397
Frustrated by reaction to my sermons – congregation appear bored, passing wineskins and spitting olive pits at icons. Concepts of good, evil and redemption by grace failing to hold attention. Attempted metaphor, proverb and rhetorical allegory: elegant argument not appreciated. Tried to relate to life in Hippo. Pirate’s Union objected, threatened to take tithe to Donatist heretics. Decided to draw examples from own life. Congregation enthralled by sexual misdemeanor. Enlarged church. Bought new set of altar cloths and silver chalice. Wrote book.

399
Book scandal. Failed to predict orthodox Christian attitude towards sex before marriage. Oops. Alypius exasperated. However, all publicity good publicity: sales excellent. Decided to write sequel on Doctrine.

404
Correspondence Jerome continues. Infuriating. Do not understand why he does not see my point! Translation of “gourd” vital to understanding of gospels.

410
Encountered the hairy Briton Pelagius in the Forum. Argued re. orthodoxy and free will – Pelagius convinced divine grace excuses sin. Argument that original sin requires redemption interrupted by drunk sailors shagging against wall. Pelagius fled, leaving wine half-finished and declaring Hippo den of iniquity. Attempted to bless sailors. Rebuffed.
Finished wine, masturbated, went to confession. Feel point proved.

411
Still struggling with Doctrine. Feel multiplicity of interpretations not conducive to clear thought. Blocked.

413
Have started new book! Brilliant idea – use Rome as metaphor for City of God, suggesting even if physical presence fades, spiritual one remains. Also intend to cover history of God, the church and the world in 22 scrolls. May have my work cut out.

419
Feel may have bitten off more than I can chew with books. Struggling.

424
Still struggling.

425
Calamity! Discovered wrote Homoiousios when actually meant Homoousios. Do not intend to become Arian - would lose all tax benefits. Made Alypius spell check all tablets. Grumbled.

426
Finished! Published On Christian Doctrine and The City of God. Sensation! Am famous. Sales spectacular, only marred by difficulty in reaching distributors in Rome. Wish war in Italy over and Visigoths gone home. Am receiving fan mail. Also believe some readers not approaching texts from right direction – quarrelsome priests.

427
Theologians badger with letters asking to clarify early work – apparently claimed baptism essential for redemption and later also promised that unbaptised infants would be saved by grace of God. Have no intention of apologising for practical POV – do these people have no congregation? Wrote Retractions. Did not retract single word. Smug.

429
War likely – Vandal fleet amassing. Many conversions. Feel situational ethics apply.

430
Revelation! So very tired of Christian carping at theological argument. Shall start own religion! Will commence immediately seige lifted: feeling better already. Must get out of bed.

1298
Appear to be Saint. Miracle.