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Reading Omens in "Harry Potter"

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"Crowley! You lying devil!"

Crowley turned to see who had stated the most obvious thing in the world.* And was taken aback at the sight of a teary-eyed Aziraphale.

"You lowest member of Hell's denizens! You said I’d like these books!"

He would’ve encouraged this unangelic display of emotion, but the fact that Aziraphale’s frustration is directed toward him niggled.

"Good morning to you too, my dear angel. What seems to be the problem?"

"You! You’re the problem! I told you I like old books, and you told me to read these—," He exclaimed, shoving an armful of Harry Potter books at Crowley, "—because of the homosexual subtext of Quidditch**! You made me read this travesty of friendship, family, faith, and all that is beautiful and wonderful—"

Crowley was quickly losing the plot. "Homosexual what? And does that mean you like it?"

Aziraphale wibbled. "You could’ve warned me that Sirius was going to die!"

 

* Alright, not the most obvious thing in the world, which is: Do not throw a lighted cigarette at your friend if he was doused in gasoline. And Aziraphale would like to point out that the second most obvious thing in the world is: Do not pair brown belt with black shoes.

** One could hardly even call it subtext. Etymologists point out that the word “Quidditch” is derived from “Queer Ditch”—“Queer” being the hip self-affirming term adopted by homosexuals of the last century or so, and “Ditch” being what you do to last season’s designer shoes. For more information, please consult R.J. Lupin’s excellent thesis, “Sublimation And The Snitch”