Yixing knew he'd drunk too much, let himself slip into a bottomless pit when he saw him across the room and everything spiralled out of control. The precise reason why Yixing was in a club on a Wednesday was to try to avoid the empty bed in his home, to avoid the fact that there were no clothes overflowing into his side of the closet, and there were no hands to bathe him in warmth in the early mornings. His life now was centred on whether or not he even got to his bedroom without having visions of being chased through through the doorway by tickling poised hands, of being kissed so softly in the darkness of the night, and of being tempted back into bed by a bare chest and a few choice words.
The living room was a safer option, a room they barely ever used, because who needs sofas and blankets when you have a bed and a duvet?
Seeing Yifan with a group of friends was the last thing Yixing needed, until he saw Yifan's face draw up an expression of misery as a couple began to become drunkenly affectionate. In Yixing's mind, watching the confident male pick at the label of the bottle of beer in his hands, be left behind during conversations and keep his eyes solely on the liquid sloshing around in the glass, was worse than unhappiness.
He didn't want their break up to have been impacted Yifan as much as it had him, he wanted to see gummy smiles and body crumpling laughs. Not a miserable vessel of longing stood across the club from him.
It was a strange shift from being snuggled under Yifan's arm while the elder boasted Yixing's success in the smallest things. Whether that was running baths with the perfect amount of foam in it or cooking a flawless dinner for a room full of guests, nothing was too little of an achievement in Yifan's eyes. Yixing missed that gripping hand on his hip when somebody came too close for comfort while they danced together, it let him run free and fast with the man he loved.
It was all change, though. Yixing was watching Yifan from afar, through a crowd of people, and was too scared to even look in the direction of the area in which people danced. He didn't feel sad or angry, he felt numb. But that's what heartbreak was, that lack of feeling in his life and irreparable damage made to his dully beating heart. The numbness that had come with the separation was all Yixing wanted to feel, he didn't want to have the nights of crying. Though, they came, nevertheless. His numbness was only something that could be fixed, be mended, by one person.
In theory, he should have hidden himself away better, not sat in plain sight of Yifan and his friends, but a part of him wanted to be able to see Yifan wherever he went in the club. Yixing could spy and drink continuously from his position at the bar, it was perfect placement to see but also be seen. It didn't take long for him to take a peek at Yifan and meet his eyes.
Maybe it happened naturally, out of habit or the need to fill a void, but they gravitated towards each other. Yixing didn't care about the people between him and Yifan, they didn't matter when he was walking straight to the man he loved and stood in front of him with drunken confidence. It was most likely the alcohol that told his brain to push himself up to kiss Yifan. It was short and the taller didn't pull back, he only glanced over his shoulder to his friends and Yixing looked at them, too.
They were angry, arguing between themselves as they pointed at the broken couple who were reuniting for the first time in seven weeks. Yixing could see one of them demanding to go to get Yifan and the other pulling him back from doing so, it was difficult to not realise the damage their breakup had caused.
But, Yifan seemed resolute when he whispered, "Let's get out of here."
Yixing followed the elder through the throngs of people, up the steps that would lead them out onto the street, and he found his hand clutching Yifan's as an automatic response to their fingers grazing. He wasn't let down when he felt the move be reciprocated with a slight squeeze. It was easy for Yifan to guide them to where they used to live together, Yifan still knowing the keycode to the building and the apartment. There was a sense of familiarity under the guise of anticipation.
Beneath his clothes, Yixing was fizzling and bubbling at the prospect of having Yifan again, even if just for one night more. He'd missed the feeling of hands groping at him roughly and pulling him into place; he hadn't been touched or kissed since Yifan's things left the apartment. It had been seven weeks of Yixing on his own, whimpering and whining Yifan's name as he touched himself to completion. He was in dire need of longer, thicker and more skilled fingers pushing into him to stretch him to his limit.
He wanted to feel Yifan's presence saturating his skin and seeping into his bloodstream like a drug, he wanted to be intoxicated on the man he had disconnected himself from. And he knew he'd get that when Yifan took a hold of either side of his jacket and dragged it down his shoulders. Yixing did the same back to the taller man but only let it hang around his elbows before tugging him towards the bedroom. It was easy to think that it was a scene from four months before, Yixing trying to lure his tired boyfriend into the bedroom with the promises of sex, but it was so very different. This was a lapse, a break in what they should be doing. A moment of weakness in love, their resolve burning up its last droplet.
They were supposed to be broken up and seperated, not stood at the foot of a bed they bought together while they stripped each other bare. There was a confidence in the way they were so comfortable being naked in front of each other, only allowing their lips to find their way home once they were completely undressed. It was a frenzy from there, Yifan's hands tangling in Yixing's hair to keep him where they were joined, to make Yixing not disappear, and the younger was no different. His hands were gripped tightly at Yifan's waist, grazing and pulling at the elder to have more contact between the both of them. Their lips moved with such fervour that Yixing couldn't breathe, his years of practiced in takes of breath had gone in seconds of being with Yifan.
They could both taste the alcohol, that overwhelming aroma of the gin and tonic. A drink they had discovered and loved together through years of friendship and relationship. It was strong and crystal clear, which is what their relationship had once been. Yifan had always joked that Yixing was his tonic water, removing the sharp edges of him and replacing it with a softer haze of intricate layers. Yifan was harsh and Yixing was pure, that's how the elder had described it and Yixing had always proclaimed his denial.
With their drinks mingling, Yixing could get to the finer notes of Yifan and wanted to draw back when he tasted something that could only be tobacco. Yifan wasn't a regular smoker, or even a social one. The only time Yixing had ever seen Yifan take to the small sticks of death was when his father had died a year and a half before, Yifan smoked through grief and that made Yixing pull him until each inch of their fronts were pressing. He didn't want Yifan to feel lost or like he had lost somebody entirely. His kisses were whispers of "I'm here," and, "Please don't destroy yourself like this."
Yixing could still taste himself on Yifan's tongue, the thousands of times they had kissed had embedded Yixing into Yifan's every molecule. He knew he still tasted of the older, that his tongue was laced with pepper and coffee. Yixing had felt it in his mouth everyday since Yifan moved out. Nothing, not even their beloved gin and tonic, could rid him of that taste.
Yixing gasped when Yifan lifted him up, using his body as a control to lay them down across the comforter covered mattress and use his hands to skim over the back of Yixing's thighs. There was a stutter when Yixing pulled back to whisper out Yifan's name, as if the realisation of what was happening finally set in for the taller man, but he seemed to throw caution into the wind when he pressed his lips to that place on his neck that always had Yixing boneless. Yixing reacted like he always had, a dry thrust up towards Yifan's body and a keen of something rumbling deeper within him coming up through his throat. It was Yixing's way of asking; for love, for touch, and for sex.
Like always, Yifan gave in to his simple request but not in the chuckled way of telling Yixing to calm down, that he will get it if he's patient, and certainly not accompanied by the way he'd sink down Yixing's body to suck him into a state of delirium or lick him to the edge of insanity. Yifan pulled back, his eyes admiring over Yixing's features and taking them in as if he fed upon it, as though it was the last time he'd ever see Yixing this way.
Yifan moved away and fished his hand in the drawer they had historically kept their lube in, the bottle different, fuller than it had been when Yifan had left. There was an unmistakable image of anger in Yifan's eyes and Yixing wanted to tell him that the only body the liquid had come into contact with was his own, that nobody else had touched him during their time apart. But they weren't together anymore and he saw the fury subside to hurt and then to nothing. It didn't matter who touched Yixing anymore, they both knew that but, in the real world, it did matter.
He would have spoken up if there hadn't been a hard kiss pressed to his mouth, a tongue claiming his in a private display of possession and Yixing wanted to tell Yifan yes. He wanted to beg him to stake his claim, to ruin Yixing for every man who could ever possibly come after. He wanted Yifan to leave a permanent marker on him. He wanted something physical to show himself that he had lost the best thing and if it had to be through sex, Yixing didn't care.
He felt Yifan's hips move away from his, a hand delving down between them to stroke at Yixing's cock and he couldn't stop the loud, needy moan from leaving his mouth. That spurred Yifan on, his fist moving faster and more firmly, so much so that Yixing had to pull away from the kiss to let his eyes scrunch tight and head fall to the side in utter ecstasy. It didn't matter that there was no lubricant to help the slide, the burning friction added to the intensity, his heart thumping so hard that it visibly moved his chest against Yifan's.
The elder pulled away completely, leaving Yixing hanging in a sudden state of lost leisure, the lust in his veins burning out too fast for him to hold onto. He barely opened his eyes to see Yifan staring at him and his open body, he watched as the elder's nostrils flared and his hands twitched at his sides. Yixing felt glazed over, his body thrumming as he saw Yifan reach, with unmoving eyes, for the lube bottle. He coated his fingers and returned back to the flaming skin of the younger, his fingers pried their way to Yixing's derrière and one dipped past the rim to feel at the tightness that had returned since their last intimate session. Yixing's thin fingers never could feel what Yifan's did and the elder looked surprised, shocked to see that Yixing was still clenching firmly around his index finger.
Yifan's eyes flitted between the lubricant, Yixing's face and where Yixing's hands had bunched up in the sheets, the younger only nodding at the silent question and Yifan seemed to simmer down immediately. His fiery passion morphing into something different, something subdued. The finger inside Yixing immediately twisted with a sweep and struck flatly against his prostate, making him whimper out and lift his arms up, a silent invitation for Yifan to move over him. To hold himself up over Yixing's face while his fingers scissored and soothed over Yixing's inner walls, that intimate pre-sex moment they would always have when they weren't desperate for each other and Yifan obliged.
His body spanned over Yixing's while his second finger entered, the younger's hands managing to hook around his neck and give them eye contact. It shouldn't have been so intense, it shouldn't have tugged the threads of Yixing's sensitive side but it did. His eyes were spilling over with tears, Yifan's hand stopping inside of him and it was only after Yixing had begun to grind down onto them that he finally began to move them again. Albeit tentatively, like he thought anything more would hurt Yixing.
There was a sudden quiet as Yifan let his third digit, his ring finger on his right hand, enter beside the other two and Yixing willed his body into relaxing, his tears not stopping and he could feel Yifan's hesitation as he began to prod at the area Yixing's prostate was in. It was a strange sensation to be numbly heartbroken and pleasured by the one who owned said broken heart, it was incredible for Yixing to be able to consider that, that Yifan was still his keeper and that he was allowing him to be so free with him.
But love had always made Yixing reckless.
He writhed as Yifan stroked at his sensitive inner spot, his fingers caressing until Yixing was breathing out the shortest and fastest sighs in the world. His pants weren't filled with moans but slight sobs that Yifan kissed him through. He could vaguely see Yifan through his watery eyes and the elder looked crestfallen, as if seeing Yixing so torn up in his emotions was enough to drive him into sadness.
That made Yixing bite his lip and close his eyes hard, focusing only on the sensations on his lower body and that only became easier as Yifan kissed at his throat, his tongue peeping out to graze tenderly across the flesh. Yixing let himself go, releasing the tension in his back and chest, his body shifting to arch into Yifan's the way it used to.
It was then that the elder pulled his fingers away, Yixing wasn't sure if the stretch would be enough but he was willing to put that aside when Yifan began to lubricate his fully erect cock, one which Yixing longed to feel in his palm. Though, he wanted it, needed it, inside him more. He wanted to fee, the way the head of Yifan's cock would be a little more swollen than the rest, that the veins that decorated the shaft would imprint on his walls and Yifan's precum would string from every surface. He had missed that, the raw and exposed nature of their sex since they stopped using condoms two years before.
Sex was always better for them both when no protection was used and it was no longer necessary for safety, they would only be with each other and it wasn't like anything would be passed when they were both entirely clean. It made their sessions more intimate, something on s higher level to what they had felt beforehand.
Yifan pushing in was the painful punishment Yixing's body needed for indulging in what was no longer his, but he didn't mind that, he wanted Yifan wholly and that meant having to go through the discomfort to find the great. Yifan's member glided in, his one motion thrust angled perfectly to Yixing's prostate and it made him cry out his ex-boyfriend's name loudly. Yifan stared down at him, Yixing's eyes gazing right back up as the thrusting started, Yifan's going in and out and his own going up and down in sync. It was the feeling of being reunited, of them doing something similar to making love and Yixing was transfixed on that feeling. The way he felt like he was going to slip off the edge of the world with each time Yifan was fully seated inside of him then finding pleasure in the way that Yifan's shaft felt as it twitched inside of him.
He paused for breath, his body moving around to lift one leg up higher and he could hear the internal scoff Yifan wanted to release, Yixing changing position meant he wanted things deeper and more drawn out. Yifan was never one to deny Yixing of anything and he slotted their bodies together all the more perfectly. Yixing felt Yifan in the depths of his body, his body responding by placing pressure in his abdomen, his want for Yifan to touch him became his only thought.
However, he knew how much Yifan loved to watch Yixing jerk himself to completion, much like he'd watched Yixing finger himself or masturbate while he was splayed out on the kitchen table for Yifan to marvel at in the morning. The younger's hand touched at himself, Yifan's whole body tensing as he stroked himself up and down slowly, not going at Yifan's pace, just to toy with his own body. He could feel his senses grow confused over where the most pleasure was coming from, where his mind needed to focus on.
He felt Yifan grow more wary then, his body trembling above and his face not one filled with bliss but lack of self control. Yixing knew Yifan regretted their union before it was even over and Yixing diverted his gaze away, if he didn't look then it wouldn't be there. That's what he convinced himself of, anyway. Even as Yixing came, Yifan spurting into him once again with quiet groan of his name, he felt filled with that numbing feeling.
There were no coursing aftershocks of complete love and affection, it was Yixing regretting that Yifan regretted things and he hated himself for making Yifan feel that way. He was supposed to love him, not torture him. Yixing rolled onto his side, not caring that Yifan's cum was making its way onto his thighs and faced the wall opposite. He half expected Yifan to collect his things and go, but he laid back out across the bed and planted a kiss at the top if Yixing's spine.
"You're so beautiful," Yifan whispered and Yixing felt himself shiver at the delicate way in which he spoke. "Just let me have this."
Yifan's arms circled around Yixing's waist and the younger felt shocked at how Yifan wasn't bothered that he put his arms directly into Yixing's semen on his stomach and let his leg slide between Yixing's, even though his own cum was spilling out onto it. It should have felt dirty but Yixing had missed Yifan too much to be bothered by it, he just wanted him there and he was. They fell asleep like that, not fussing over the fact that they shouldn't, that their relationship had terminated and had slipped outside of the naked cuddling boundaries.
Yixing was stirred, his body shaking lightly and he wanted to dive under his pillows, to escape the fate he was being woken. A gentle press of lips to his was all it took, his eyes fluttering open to show Yifan framed in the warm glow of the nightlight. It was a natural reaction to shift up onto his elbows and let Yifan kiss him, to let his lips open for tongues to meet as one of Yifan's hands slipped behind his neck to position him upwards.
It was one of their things to do, to wake the other up whenever they were conscious and kiss until they fell asleep again, it was a reassurance of presence and love before they separated. However, that time, it felt like a goodbye. As if Yifan was going to slip away into the night and Yixing suddenly changed his approach, doing something he never had before in their dark kisses. He latched his arms around Yifan's neck to pull him in, to keep him close and to stop him from leaving. Yixing didn't think he'd be able to get up in the morning with the elder's scent surrounding him but his body gone. He'd done enough of that already.
"Don't go," he whispered against Yifan's lips. "Please don't go, stay here with me, at least until the morning. I don't want to wake up without you again."
Yifan pulled away, his face pulled into a mixture of hurt and shock, and moved to the edge of his side of their bed. He had his legs planted on the floor and head in his hands, as if Yixing had said the wrong thing. He watched as Yifan's breathing became irregular, his ribs shuddering over each inhale and exhale, and it didn't take him long to notice that Yifan was crying.
His gummed smiling, life brightening and almost arrogant Yifan was crying in front of him. On their shared bed.
This was it, it was the emotional vulnerability that Yixing had begged his boyfriend for in the months before their parting, it was Yifan opening himself up and Yixing didn't want it like that. He didn't want Yifan to be breaking down in front of him.
"You can't send me away then call me back," Yifan whispered, his voice too broken for Yixing to be able to listen to without trembling. "You can't tell me to pack my things from our home and leave to then ask me to stay. It isn't fair."
Yixing knew it wasn't, he couldn't justify his actions with anything other than love but he couldn't say that. Not when he'd said that sometimes love just wasn't enough in his breakup argument, not when he'd said he needed somebody who was not as emotionally stilted over somebody who loved him. "I know, Yifan, I know. But I want you back, I want you here with me."
Yifan looked up, misery induced fatigue showing in the way his eyes had swollen red and were glinting in the curves of water tension between his eyelids. It was the most vulnerable Yixing had ever seen him, so raw from the surface to his core that Yixing thought Yifan's heart might gape open in its entirety.
It was quiet while Yifan's tears spilled down and dribbled to his chin, dropping off onto the pale skinned side of his forearm. Yixing could feel himself crying too, he'd never seen Yifan shed a tear over anything than missing his mother, never once had Yifan cried out of anger or sadness in front of Yixing.
"Why did you leave me?" Yifan whispered, his voice cracking from the start of the question right until the last word came out as a choked puff of air.
Yixing crawled to the man that he loved, his fingers clutching at Yifan's face to kiss him tenderly on the mouth over and over again. The elder didn't relax or stop crying, he only seemed to accept Yixing's caring actions.
"I don't know how I could have done such a thing to the one person who I belong to, the person I belong with on this earth, and I don't want to be in love without you knowing that it's you I'm feeling it for." Yifan kissed him back on one of his slighter pecks, their lips blending and moulding in pressured crawls towards each other. Yixing didn't care that he was naked as he came out from beneath the duvet and he sat in Yifan's lap, their mouths completely blended in the natural rhythm they always had. "I'm so in love with you, take me back, take me back, take me back."
Yixing's mutterings between kisses had Yifan drawing his arms around his naked torso and Yixing reciprocated by wrapping his own around Yifan's shoulders. Not blinking an eye at their bodies which were littered in dry pools and marks of white cum. Their kissing didn't stop, not until they were no longer crying but Yixing was still whispering to Yifan to take him back, to come back home because he was numb without Yifan by his side. He didn't want to pressure Yifan into accepting him again, he didn't want it to be forced but his begging just wouldn't stop. He was desperate, in dire need of Yifan's care and attention. He didn't mind that Yifan may not tell him everything he felt and he knew then that Yifan being in love with him was enough. More than enough. He must have asked for forgiveness over fifty times before Yifan spoke.
"I love you, you heartbreaking idiot," Yifan murmured, finally looking up at Yixing and then he saw it, a strip of gum that stretched across the smile that haunted the back of his mind every moment. "I love you so much, but I'll only come back if you don't push me away."
"I'm only ever going to want you closer, Fanfan, I promise. You'll never be pushed anywhere other than down onto this bed and even then I'll be with you, on you."
Yifan quickly moved to bite Yixing's bottom lip at the suggestiveness of his words, dragging his teeth across it until it had completely departed from being between them. "Is that a threat?"
Yixing pushed Yifan back down onto the mattress, leaning over him straight away and grinding his hips down onto the other's.
"Yes," he whispered as Yifan groaned slightly while their cocks started to harden and rub together. "Ready for some makeup sex?"
"Only if it's the last I'll ever have," Yifan said quietly and Yixing moaned as large, familiar hands grabbed tightly at his ass.
Yixing could only nod, his body reacting to Yifan's far more confident touch and he was enthralled by the taller man, completely enraptured in that tear stained face looking up at him in equal parts love and lust. He knew he'd found his soulmate and losing him forever was never really an option. Not when everything he's ever loved and wanted was all in the person beneath him.