Sam sat on the edge of his bed in yet another rundown motel room. Dean wanted to check out a case since people were committing suicide. Figures. His brother cared about random strangers offing themselves, but couldn't even see that his own brother was thinking about putting a bullet in his head.
He knew that Dean still didn't trust him, even after he went to Hell to save the world. Little Sammy couldn't do anything for himself. Little Sammy can't be trusted. Sam wasn't stupid, he knew he made some poor choices, but he did it all for Dean and, if given the chance, he’d do it all over again.
Dean just pulled over at the motel and told him to go back to the room and wait for him there before driving off. Probably just went to a bar or something. Probably just wanted to get away from his pathetic excuse for a little brother.
Sam pulled his shirt off and grabbed his favorite knife - Dean gave it to him for his 11th birthday back when he actually liked him. He brought the blade up to his shoulder and drew a long line across a piece of unmarked skin on his shoulder. Scars seemed to litter his arms, but he never went below his elbows. It would be too easy to catch if anyone bothered to pay attention to the fact that he was drowning in his own mind.
He drew another line over a healed scar just below the other. Relief started to flow through him as his blood dripped from the thin openings. One more line and Sam’s shoulders started to relax, the next tears started to fall from his eyes. Fifth one, he realized his vision was blurring. Sam scolded himself internally for crying. He didn't deserve to cry. Sam bit his lips harshly before angrily wiping his tears away and cleaning his knife up.
Sam grabbed his shirt and headed towards the bathroom door. There was a fluttering of wings and Sam turned around to find Cas right behind him.
The only thing that ran through his head was Shit!. Castiel spoke first, “Dean asked me to get you. He thinks that there maybe some angel “thing” involved here. Why are you hurt?”
“It’s nothing. Just a couple scratches. I’m fine.” Sam was relieved to see Cas nod. “Let me just get my shirt on and we can go.”
Cas sighed impatiently and snapped his fingers, the cuts on his arms were healed and his shirt was on. “Ready now?” Sam nodded and was suddenly looking at Dean.
“Sorry it took so long. Sam was injured.” Cas explained, “Why do you think angels are involved here?”
Dean looked at Sam, “You were injured? What happened?”
Cas waved the questions away, “It doesn't matter. He’s healed. Angels?”
“Right. There was this trumpet that was stolen around the same time that the first incident happened. People ask for the truth and get it. Maybe like-”
Sam cut him off, “Gabriel’s horn of truth?”
Cas contemplated the idea for a second, “Could be possible. I’ll check.” There was a fluttering of wings and Castiel was gone.
Dean sighed, “Okay then. Mind telling me what he meant by injured? Did you decide to run off on your own again?”
Sam shrugged to mask the sting of his brother’s distrust, “It was just a scratch. Tripped on my feet and caught a corner is all. I didn't go off anywhere.”
Dean nodded, “Fine. You are pretty overgrown. No surprise Samquatch trips over his own feet. Just be more careful okay?”
Sam nodded just as Cas returned. “It’s not the trumpet.”
Dean sent a look at Cas, “Where did you even go? First take Sam back. He can go do whatever.”
Before Sam could protest, Cas zapped him back to the motel room. He cursed loudly before grabbing his jacket and knife and storming out if the room. Checking to make sure his wallet and key were in his pocket, he headed to the nearest bar.
He sat at the bar for a good hour, sipping on a few drinks. After he finished the second glass, the bartender came back up to him. “Can I pour you another?”
Sam sighed, “Sure. I could use it.”
She gave him a knowing look, “Bad day?”
“You could say that.”
“Here it’s on me.” The brunette pushed the double shot of Jack and coke back to him, “Want anything else?”
“Besides the truth and a brother that isn't a dick? Nope.” Sam stirred his drink before taking a long drink.
“I sometimes think that I can't get pregnant since my marriage is a sham. Why did I say that?”
“I’m not sure,” Sam had a vague idea, but nothing that made actual sense.
“I know that I had some oxytocin in the bathroom this morning but even this is too strange.”
Sam gulped down the rest of his drink, “It’s okay.”
As he left a girl in a low cut dress spoke up, “I’m sitting like this so you’ll look at my boobs. I just got them done and I need attention.”
Sam looked down and back up at her before smiling. “Have a good day.”
He stepped outside and pulled out his phone. Something weird was going on and he needed help. Bobby answered after a couple of rings, “Hello?”
“Hey Bobby. Something weird is going on. I made some comment about wanting the truth and then random strangers started telling me these secrets.”
“How come when you guys get in trouble, it seems to be you that calls first? I’ll see what I can find okay? Anything else, I mean you’re pretty needy and you calling over and over just takes more of my time.”
Sam was shocked. I guess it works over phone too “What? I thought you liked me Bobby.”
“Don't get me wrong. I love you boys, but sometimes you’re just more trouble than you're worth. Dean, he’s my favorite. I’d spend more time with him, but you two seem to be a package deal.”
Sam’s eyes started to water, “I didn't know that I was such a bother. Sorry I called.”
“Well, you did start the apocalypse. It’s hard to just forgive you for that.” Bobby paused for a moment before sounding incredibly guilty, “Oh Sam… I didn't mean to say any of that.”
“It’s fine. I’ll just figure this out on my own. Sorry for being a bother. I won't call again.” Sam hung up the phone, resisting the urge to throw it. He took a few deep breaths before his phone rang again. Sam took a deep breath before answering it, “It’s fine Bobby. Don't worry about it.”
“No it ain't Sam. I didn't mean to say any of that-”
“Don't worry about it. I asked for the truth and I’m getting it. Just, just let me be for a bit.” Sam ended the call before heading back to the motel.
Dean was there and glared at him when he entered the room, “Where were you? I found something and came back to show you.”
“I went to a bar. Had a couple of drinks. Sorry I didn't realize that I was under house arrest.” Sam snapped, “Why can't you just trust me every now and then?”
“You know why. First Ruby and the demon blood. Then you starting the fucking apocalypse. Oh and don't forget you not telling me that you were back from Hell. You can't be trusted to tie your own shoes.”
Sam took the verbal abuse and only looked at the ground. He did ask for the truth. “What did you find?”
“This box. Looks like stuff for a spell. Do some research okay? I’m going to shower since I need to jerk off before I punch you…. Why did I say that?”
“I said something about wanting to hear the truth and suddenly people are telling me the truth. I’ll look into it. These should help.”
Dean rolled his eyes and headed to the bathroom. Sam pulled out his laptop and started looking up what the ingredients could do.
After Dean came back, Sam had an answer. “What do you have for me Sammy?”
“A strong summoning spell for starters.”
“So what are we dealing with? A demon, spirit?”
“A god actually. More specifically Veritas. She’s known to be the bringer of truth. It also says she craves attention.”
Dean tilted his head, “Where do you go for both attention and the truth?”
Sam looked at Dean after a few minutes of them thinking, “I know it’s cruel of me to ask, but do you love Lisa more than me? Tell me if you don’t want me to answer and I’ll leave. I just want to know.”
“I don’t know Sammy. We had a great relationship of sorts for the longest time, then you just went behind my back. Lisa and I are different. Of course she doesn’t know about us and the thing we had, but I had my own makeshift apple pie life. I guess I love you both more for different reasons. If I didn’t fuck it up with Lisa last time I saw her, I’d probably be with her and ditch you if she asked. I’m not going to take you back ever again if that’s what you’re getting at. Hate to say it, but you’ve become a burden and I wish you stayed in Hell”
Sam swallowed quickly, of course his brother wanted him in Hell. He was stupid to continue to pine after his brother. He should have known Dean wouldn’t want him. “It’s fine. I kind of figured that out. Ummm… Maybe the new’s anchor for this town? Why don’t you go check that out. I’ll stay here and try to figure out how to kill her.”
Dean nodded and left. Sam waited a solid five minutes before breaking down in tears. He made the mistake of asking for the truth, but he didn’t expect it to hurt this much. He already knew how to kill the goddess, but he needed Dean to leave. Sam wanted to kill himself, but it would probably hurt Dean. Yeah right. He wished that you stayed in Hell. Sam continued crying for a good 20 minutes before deciding that it was time for him to die.
Sam grabbed a pen and the stationary from the motel and wrote down: Kill her with a blade dipped in dog’s blood. He didn’t bother writing down any last words. Sam pointed his gun to his chin as tears poured from his eyes. His finger tapped on the trigger a few times as he tried to gather the strength to end his life.
His phone rang and Sam debated for a moment before putting the gun down and answering the call, “Hello?”
“Hey kiddo. It’s been a bit and I’m worried about ya. Are you okay? I want you to know that I do see you as a son even though you’ve fucked up a lot recently.”
“You just like Dean more. It’s okay, just the story of my life. He already told me things too. Don’t worry about it.”
“You didn’t answer my question though. Are you okay?”
Sam looked at his gun, “I will be. I’ve got to go. Bye Bobby.” He hung up and reached for his gun again. No. Wait until the end of the hunt. Then you won’t make Dean’s life harder than necessary.
Sam shuffled over to his bed and collapsed on it. He took one of the pillows and hugged it tightly as he tried to calm his sobs. Dean would be back soon and he couldn’t handle hearing anymore cruel words being thrown his way. He ended up crying himself to sleep.
When Dean came back, he rolled his eyes at his brother. Of course he’d fall asleep when he’s supposed to be researching. He walked over to the laptop and saw the note right next to it. Guess he did find out how to kill the bitch. Poor kid’s probably tired. He walked to Sam’s bed and shook him awake. Sammy blearily opened his eyes and looked at his older brother, “I have shots that we need to look through then you can go back to bed sleeping beauty.”
After an hour of watching the blasted video, Sam finally found their proof. Dean clasped his hand on his shoulder and they headed out, “So dog’s blood?”
“Unfortunately. D-Do you think you can get the blood? You don’t really like dogs and, well, I really do. I’ll just end up petting the thing and won’t be able to do it.”
Dean nodded in understanding. “Come on, we can go break into the vet’s office and I’ll find a dog that’s already dying okay?” Sam nodded and they left the motel.
While he was sitting in the car, waiting for Dean to get the blood, he longingly thought of how things should be. Dean should’ve kissed him softly before leaving him and ran his fingers through his hair. Sam wouldn’t feel the need to cut because Dean would keep those thoughts away. Dean wouldn’t have said Sam should’ve stayed in Hell.
Dean came back and Sam had to fight the urge to reach out to the beautiful man. Sam only looked away and kept his mouth shut as Dean drove off. They followed the woman to her house and Dean pulled out the jar of dog’s blood.
Sam looked at the jar with sad eyes and Dean bumped his shoulder, “Don’t worry. They had animal blood and I took one of the bags. Old Yeller is still sleeping peacefully.”
They each dipped their knives in the blood and Sam looked Dean in the eye, “Ready for this to be over?”
“Definitely. Come on. All the creepy stuff is probably inside.”
Sam was the first one to find the shrine, but Dean found the bodies. He followed his brother into the room quietly, knife held tightly in his hand.
“Looks like we found the tributes. Gross,” Dean looked at the torso hanging up from the ceiling.
Veritas snuck up behind the pair, “You know, you should knock.”
“Well, you lost that courtesy when you came here.” Dean lunged at her with the knife and it was quickly knocked away. Sam tried for his window while she was distracted but they were shoved and everything went black.
Sam jolted awake and quickly took in his surroundings. Of course he was tied up. When was he never tied up? Dean was to his right on the other pole. Veritas smirked, “I see you guys are finally awake. You know, I want to make you guys stew for a bit. So how about we play a little game? Truth or truth?”
Dean glared at her, “How about you go to Hell?”
“Feisty. How about we start with you then Dean? How do you feel about joining back up with your brother?”
Sam fished out his pocket knife and started to cut away at the ropes. He looked up at Dean with his big puppy dog eyes. Most of him terrified of what the answer would be, but a tiny part hopeful. Maybe he wouldn’t have to kill himself if Dean wanted him around.
“It’s frustrating. I was pretty damn happy with my own little makeshift family until he came back into my life. I was becoming a dad and Sam just showed up and screwed that to Hell. I love him, but I don't think I can be around him this way again. I got out and he pulled me back in. Actually thought about killing him in his sleep a few times.”
Sam bit his tongue to keep from crying. “Your turn Sam. How do you feel about your brother?”
“I love him. I want him to be mine again. I want him to take me back and hold me at night. I want him to tell me how much he loves me. Now I find out that he wants to kill me? I-I can understand it though. He’s right.” Tears pooled up in his eyes as he continued to saw away at the ropes. He needed to focus and kill this bitch. Afterwards, he’d wait for his first opportunity to put a bullet in his head and take it.
Veritas smirked, “I like your answers. You’re just so broken aren't you? Hell didn’t break you though did it?”
“N-no. D-dean hates me and Bobby told me to lose his number. I know he was possessed at the time, but I know he doesn’t like me as much as he likes Dean. I-I called both of them before I tried killing myself. Dean told me to pick a hemisphere so I chose death. Didn’t work though. Lucifer only brought me back.”
Dean looked at Sam with wide eyes as he felt guilt pool in his gut. How did he not notice that his brother was hurting that much? You did see it, you just fucking enjoyed the fact that he was suffering. Thought he deserved to feel bad after starting the apocalypse and betraying you for that demon bitch. Then after Heaven, you stopped caring completely.
“Dean, would you take your baby brother back - even if was to only break his heart more?” Veritas asked in a mystical voice.
Sam didn't want to hear that answer again. He already knew it. His wrists were free and he tossed the knife to Dean before grabbing the blood coated dagger. The goddess launched at him and Sam stabbed her in the gut. She slumped forward and Sam pushed her to the floor before going to help his brother. He refused to speak as the left the mansion, even when Dean tried to open his mouth.
Sam stood outside the impala and Dean looked at him with a guilty expression, “I don't want to hear it. Go back to Lisa and Ben or just go to Bobby’s. You don't want to be near me, then fine. I’m sorry I was delusional enough to think you actually wanted to be with me.”
Sam screamed at him with tears streaming down his face, “You don't get to call me that! Not now! Not ever! You fucking bastard! You hate me and only my Dean get’s to call me Sammy. You aren't my Dean anymore.”
Dean felt his heart drop in his chest. None of this was supposed to happen. “I’m sorry Sam. That magic or whatever made me say the worst things that I only thought for no more than a second.”
Sam didn't want to hear it though, “Go now. I’ll take care of your problem and you’ll never have to see me again. Go!”
“No! You need to listen to me! Please Sammy.” Dean was shocked when his brother turned on his heels and ran off. Dean bolted at full speed to catch back up to his brother.
Sam collapse by a tree and let out a violent sob. Everyone wanted him gone. The people he cared about most couldn't stand him. He couldn't take it any more. Without Dean, he couldn't keep the dark thoughts away and he was too far gone. He pulled out his shotgun and stared down the barrel. He should have done this the second he was topside again, but he was too much of a coward.
Sam clicked the safety off and placed the gun right in front of his broken heart. Dean came into view, huffing and red faced. He paled immediately when he saw his baby brother. He heard the loud gunshot and saw Sam’s gun fall from his hand. No. No no no no no no no. Dean sprinted to his brother's side and cried when he couldn't find a pulse. He pulled the body into his arms and cried as he rocked him back and forth, peppering kisses to the cooling forehead as he begged for him to wake up.
Dean looked up at the sky and yelled, “Damn it Cas! I need you down here. Please!”
There was a fluttering of wings and Cas was shocked by the sight in front of him, “Wh-what happened?”
Dean couldn't bring himself to look away from Sam’s lifeless body, “He-he killed him-himself because of me. Please Cas…. Save him.”
Cas walked up and knelt next to Sam. He placed two fingers on his forehead and the tall man started to cough as his eyes burst open. Dean cried in relief and surged forward, capturing Sammy's lips with his.
Dean spoke as tears streamed from his eyes - each word punctuated with a kiss - as he ran his fingers through his brother's hair, “Don't… you… ever… fucking... do… that… to … me… again…”
Sam felt like crying. How come he even screwed up killing himself? Dean’s big green eyes looked down at him as he spoke to him. He felt each kiss and prayed that it wasn't a temporary thing. Maybe it could last until he tried again the next moment he could.
Cas glared at him, “I heard that. You’re my friend. I’m not going to let you try again. Even if you succeed in your attempts, I’ll bring you back like I just did now. He needs rest Dean. I’ll take him back to the motel and you can drive back.”
Dean looked like he was about to argue, but knew that Sam wouldn't be up to walking back to the car with how far they got. He was falling asleep as is. “Zap me back to my car so I can get to the room faster. Once I get there, go and get Bobby. I’ll call him on the way. Take care of him, okay?” Cas nodded and Dean’s surroundings changed.