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The Angel Investigations Best Rainy Day Adventure Ever

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[Scene: the LA City skyline. All two blocks of it. Doused in pouring rain.]
Narrator: The City of Angels–and it’s raining.

[Shot of blonde girl looking out at the street.]
Narrator: No one getting stalked, because it’s raining.

[Shot of Lorne looking out at the raining dejectedly wearing something with sequins.]
Narrator: No karaoke today, because it’s raining.

[Shot of the Wolfram & Hart lawyers staring out a boardroom window, also very dejected.]
Narrator: Not even any crime, because it’s raining.

[Shot of a frightened teenager, running from God knows what.]
Narrator: Run little guy, run and hide, because it’s raining.

[Rise to shot of the Hyperion Hotel, with Wesley, Angel, and Gunn looking out of separate windows and pouting]
Narrator: And definitely no crime-fighting today, because it’s raining.

[Interior of the Hyperion. Gunn starts stalking around angrily.]
Gunn: This stinks! I hate rainy days! There’s nothing to do! There’s nowhere to go–I need action! I need adventure! I need to punch!

[Makes a play fake at Wesley, who whimpers.]
Angel: Hey, I wanna solve crimes and fight evil, too, but I’m not takin’ it out on Wesley.
Wesley: Me neither!
Angel: So it’s raining. What are we to do?
Wesley: I have an idea! Since we can’t be Angel Investigations outside, maybe we can PLAY Angel Investigations inside and fight evil here at home… (looks at the apparently unimpressed Angel and Gunn.) Er, sorry. I’ll just go nip off and think about how I disappointed my father, too–
Angel & Gunn: (excited) That’s a GREAT idea!
Wesley: Really? Well, I also had this idea about–
Angel: Don’t push your luck.
Wesley: Right, then. But where do we begin?
Angel: Right here!

[Cut to a big block mess on the lobby floor. Angel is setting a block atop one of the “buildings.” He then gets two toy cars.]
Angel: The City of Angels. A sprawling megalith of a city full of surgically enhanced little people. Look at all the silicone-enhanced people! I’m driving, I’m drinking Starbucks, I’m driving, I’m drinking Starbucks. Hi, Joe, what do you know–?

[Joe’s conversation is tragically cut off when a giant foot crashes in front of it. It’s Gunn, wearing something that might charitably called a demon costume.]
Gunn: Aoooowwww! Aooooww!
[Joe’s car is snatched up by the demon, who then shakes it menacingly.]
Gunn: Better run! I’m gonna get you! I’m gonna eat you!
Angel: Hey! What do you think you’re doing?
Gunn: I’m a demon, and I’m menacing Joe. I do that.
Angel: Gimme that! I haven’t completely set up LA yet. Joe still has to get stuck in traffic in the 405 and run out of caf latte! I’ll tell you when you can come.
Gunn: (beat) No one tells me when to come! I’m a monster. I surprise.
Angel: Well, I’m in charge of LA, so you wait.
Gunn: No, I’m in charge of LA!
Angel: I’m in charge of LA!
Wesley: No–

[Pan over to Wesley. He has a gold wig on his head and is wearing a toga]
Wesley: I’m in charge of everything. Period.
Gunn & Angel: Yes sir, Mr. Oracle sir!
Angel: Here’s your scroll, sir.
Wesley: Thank you.
Gunn: And here’s your–they really dress like that?
[Wesley and Angel nod. Wesley is now doing a credible Oracle.]
Wesley: All right, let’s see what’s on the agenda for today. Ooh, vague visions of pain and suffering. I think I’ll need my other counterpart for that. Other oracle!
[Nothing happens]
Wesley: Other oracle, I’m waiting!
Angel: I’m coming!
[Angel dashes past without his trenchcoat]
Wesley: I’m waiting, other oracle!
Angel: I’m coming!
[Angel acquires a sheet and drapes it around him properly. He runs up next to Wesley and smiles. You can hardly tell the difference.]
Angel: Sorry, there was, um, a big scary demon in my path.
Wesley: Well, don’t let it happen again. Anyway, is there anything going on today–or any day–that I should know about?
Angel: If you’ll look down on the pathetic mortal plain, you’ll note a demon menacing innocent Los Angeles citizens.
Gunn: Now?
Angel: Now.

[Part of Los Angeles is smashed by the rampaging demon.]
Wesley: Ack! I’m gonna hide under my bed like I always do.
Angel: Don’t you think we should send Cordelia an obscure, mind-numbing vision?
Wesley: Cordelia? Vision! Oh, yes, a seer vision! All right, let’s do some pain inducement!

[Unfortunately, the equivalent of the Mayor falling into the mud has to be cut and just imagine some sort of scene where there’s a vision and then back to the hotel]
Wesley: Ooh, that was a doozy of a vision. Angel will definitely get right on it.

[Gunn steps out a few steps, wearing Angel’s discarded trenchcoat.] Gunn: Angel here. I help the helpless!
Angel: Hey! What do you mean, Angel here?
Gunn: I’m Angel now.
Angel: No, no no no no no no. I actually am Angel. So you can’t be Angel.
Gunn: Okay, hold on a second, yo. We’re playing pretend, right?
Angel: Right.
Gunn: Then I’m pretending to be Angel.
Angel: Well, you can’t.
Gunn: Why not?
Angel: Because you were playing the demon!
Gunn: Well, now I’m playing Angel.
Angel: Well, then who am I supposed to be?
Gunn: (smug) Wesley.
Angel: No way! You be Wesley!
Gunn: No way! You be Wesley!
Angel: You’re Wesley!
Gunn: You’re Wesley!
Angel: You’re Wesley!
Gunn: You’re Wesley!
Wesley: I’ll be Wesley.
Gunn and Angel: You can’t!
[Wesley’s lower lip trembles.]
Angel: You’re Wesley!
Gunn: You be Wesley!
Angel: You’re Wesley!
Gunn: You’re Wesley!
Angel: You’re Wesley!
Gunn: You’re Wesley!
Angel: You’re Wesley!

[Cordelia enters, looking pissed off and still dressed like a teen whore.]
Cordelia: Hey, guys! Would someone please tell me what the hell’s going on?
[The boys all start talking at once.]
Cordelia: One at a time. One at a time! Wes?
Wesley: (sniffly) We were playing Angel Investigations, and Gunn was a demon, and I was an oracle, and Angel was the other oracle, then Gunn wanted to pretend that he was Angel, but Angel wanted to be Angel, and I wanted to be Wesley, but they told me I couldn’t, and–(wailing) nobody wants to be ME-EE!
Cordelia: Can’t you three play nice? I have a lot of work to do.
Boys: Well–

[Time passes and we cut to our new Wesley: Cordelia. She’s wearing the glasses, a tie, and a man’s shirt. She looks silly, but also cute, cuz it’s Cordy. But she is not happy. Gunn is Angel, Wesley is Gunn, and Angel is lurking behind Los Angeles.]
Gunn: Guys, Cordy just had a vision. A big bad is destroying parts of LA and it’s not pretty.
Angel: ROAR!
Gunn: Let’s go.
[Wesley and Gunn go running, humming the Angel theme song.]
Wes & Gunn: [Angel Theme]
Gunn: Wesley!
[Cordelia stands there, looking flabbergasted. After a minute, she follows them, but without the theme music.]
Gunn: Let’s go!
Gunn & Wes: [Angel Theme]

[“Angel Investigations” attacks the “demon” with Angel (Gunn) taking charge.]
Gunn: Bam! Bam! I’m gonna take your ass down!
Angel: You wish! Bam! Pow! Kazaam even!
Gunn: Oh no! I’m goin’ dowwwwwwwn!
[“Angel” crashes to the ground. The demon laughs.]
Angel: Growl!
Wesley: I’m gonna drop yo’ ass, evil demon!
[“Gunn” fights with the monster.]
Wesley: Give it up!
Angel: Never!
Wesley: Oh no! I also am going down.
[Two of Angel Investigations are laid out on the floor. But not having sex. Because this is a family show. It’s on after Seventh Heaven, isn’t it?]
Wes & Gunn: Wesley! Help us!
Cordelia: You have GOT to be kidding me. This is–I don’t have time for this!
Gunn: You gotta help us.
Wesley: And the faster you help us, the faster you can get out of here.
Cordelia: You promise?
Wes & Gunn: Yes! Now help us!
Cordelia: Okay. Read read read read read, lucky shot, run run run run. [Exit “Wesley.” The demon lays dead on the floor.]
Wes & Gunn: And the day is saved, thanks to Angel Investigations!

Angel: I don’t think so. We still have to figure out who the mastermind behind this demon is. It couldn’t have been the Tribunal. Wesley: It could have been Harmony.
[Wesley is now wearing a blonde wig–poor Wesley–and is twisting his gum on his finger and is talking “Valley”]
Wesley: Hey, like I’m totally evil and stuff. I totally could have told that demon where to go and get you guys. Because I’m evil.
[Wesley plays with his hair]
Angel: No, I don’t think Harmony could be that creative.
Gunn: Maybe it was me…
[Gunn emerges in a red dress, looking fey and pouty. He’s Darla.]
Gunn: I have the power, the skill, and the random anger to set such a beast on Angel.

Angel: No, it wasn’t you. It was me.
[Angel is wearing Wesley’s discarded tie and has a fake plastic hand. His voice is now imitating–”
Angel: Lindsey McDonald, Wolfram and Hart. Only the most scheming legal mind could come up with such a ridiculous diversion. And because nobody else here has a plastic hand or a talent for diversionary schemes, I can comfortably make this assertion.
[The voice isn’t perfect, but he does use a lot of big words and he has the plastic hand. He’s Lindsey, all right.]
Gunn: (laughing) For real, yo.
[Wesley launches himself from across the room for real]
Angel: Don’t waste your time trying to stop–
[Wesley slams into him, knocking both men to the floor.]
Wesley: Take that, you damned barrister!
Angel: Wesley, what part of the pretend game don’t you get? Wesley: I beg your pardon?
Angel: I’m not the real Lindsey. I’m Angel with a plastic hand!
Wesley: Well, you were quite convincing, Angel. What do you want me to do?
Angel: PRETEND!
[Wesley is sent flying across the room and lands on the floor next to Gunn.]
Gunn: Dumbass.
Angel: All righty, then. I, as the pretend Lindsey, will hide in my secret lair in Wolfram and Hart, while you two, as Angel Investigations, will try to defy security and stop me from my most diabolical plan.
Gunn: And once we find you, a big ol can of whoop-ass is gonna be opened up!
Angel: Yes! Yes! Ha, ha! But pretend, of course.
Wesley: I know.
Angel: Now close your eyes and count to sixty.

[Angel runs through the hotel, checking all sorts of locations in turn, still in Lindsey mode.]
Angel: No. No. Oh, hell no. Yes, this’ll do. Heh heh.
[He hides out in an obscure part of the basement near the sewer entry point.]

Gunn & Wes: 58–59–60!
Wesley: Ready or not, Lindsey!
Gunn: Here we come!
Gunn & Wes: [Angel theme]
[Wesley and Gunn race around the hotel, right past the basement.]
Angel: Hah! Those idiots will never find me.

[Time passes. Angel gets more and more pissed off.]
Angel: Oh, for Pete’s sake!

[Angel leaves the basement and returns to the lobby. Jaunty music is playing on the computer.]
Wesley: Take him out with the crossbow! With the crossbow!
[Wesley and Gunn are sitting in front of the computer. Gunn is playing a first person shooter.]
Angel: Hey, what’s going on?
Gunn: We gave up lookin’ for you hours ago.
Angel: You don’t want to finish what we were doing?
Wesley: We’re already finished. We’re playing shoot-em-ups now. With the bloody crossbow!
Gunn: I’m trying!

[Angel gets in the way of the screen.]
Angel: Oh. You left me to sit alone in the basement for two and a half hours and you’re not going to try and stop my latest diabolical scheme at all?
Gunn: What could that be, g? Mmm? A lawsuit?
Wesley: Perhaps you’re going to throw your plastic hand at me?

[Wesley and Gunn burst into laughter.]
Angel: Check it out, guys. Lindsey’s finest diabolical plan ever.
[Angel reaches down to the computer’s on/off switch.]
Wesley: What are you doing?
Gunn: You wouldn’t.
[Angel turns off the computer.]
Computer: Ppft.
Wesley: All right, Lindsey.
Gunn: Let’s get it on!
Angel: Heh heh heh!

[Angel runs off, up the staircase. Gunn and Wesley pursue. At the top of the stairs, Angel stands, out of breath. He realizes that he’s a vampire. Gunn and Wesley are suddenly confronted with a game face “Lindsey,” who then throws his plastic hand. The weapon has no effect on the MoG. Cuz it’s a plastic hand. Finally, the boys catch “Lindsey” and all three roll across the floor, giggling. They end up lying next to a window, which reveals a finally clear sky.]

[Cordelia stumbles into the room, clasping her head. Outside it’s clear and sunset.]
Angel: Cordelia?
Cordelia: Okay, massive bad vision. Wolfram and Hart have totally unleashed a disgusting demon on Los Angeles. We gotta go.
Angel: Aww, do we have to? Okaaay.

Narrator: The City of Angels, and it’s sunny.
[End shot shows the boys looking really disappointed.]
Narrator: Playtime is over. So, once again, the day will be saved for real, thanks to Angel Investigations. Aww, I wanted to be Wesley!