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The Right Kind of Doctor

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Jack knew he shouldn’t do this but the temptation was too much. He sat down on his office chair and caressed the untitled notebook that somehow ended up in his possession (and when he said somehow he really meant it – he had no clue how this thing appeared in his desk). He opened on a random page and started reading.

…Sometimes I wonder if he remembers me. It’s been five years for me. How many passed for him? He always said that he doesn’t forget his companions. That every and each hold a special place in his memory. But I was with him for a moment – a moment that lasted almost my lifetime but for him it must’ve been just a split of second…

I miss him. I miss all the great things he showed me and all the things there were still there for me to see. Sometimes I think I only imagined it all. Dreamt for too long. I’d go with him again, given a chance-

Jack stopped reading, fear filling him at the thought that Ianto would just leave with… whoever that was.

There are still so many things I wanted to ask him. I wanted to know more about him – he always looked like he needed to talk to someone but no-one was really there for him. I hoped to be his friend…

Sometimes I’m happy he didn’t see me with Lisa. I might’ve lost him for entirely different reason. Though, if the Doctor was here he would never let me do it-…

“Jack?” Ianto walked into the office, when Jack didn’t seem to hear the knocking. “Everything-…?” the words stopped on his lips, when he saw the notebook in Jack’s grip. He tensed. “How you got it?”

“I don’t know” Jack replied earnestly, staring at Ianto intensely. “It was just here”

“That’s impossible” Ianto said and moved towards the captain to grab it. Jack put it out of his reach, never letting his eyes off the man.

“You travelled with Doctor” Jack said and Ianto withdrew his hand like he was burnt. “You never said anything”

“You never asked” Ianto straightened himself.

“All the times I talked about Doctor you knew it”

“It was your Doctor. He… he probably doesn’t remember me anymore. Must’ve taken so many others with him already” there was a note of sadness in Ianto’s voice. The kind of sadness Jack knew very well. Like it was always latched to Doctor’s name, whoever spoke about him.

“You loved him” Jack stated and there was an underlying like I loved him and how Rose did and Martha...

“No” Ianto shook his head without hesitation. “I loved him but not like you do. I couldn’t look at him like you do”

“You’re probably the first” Jack smiled dryly.

“But that didn’t spare me a heartbreak, did it?” Ianto retorted. “It’s like his every companion is bound to feel empty after he leaves” he said the words that had been crossing Jack’s mind for years.

“Ianto, you…”

“Let’s forget it” Ianto said, suddenly grabbing his notebook. “We’re both not willing to share him with others. Even if we weren’t special, the time spent with him was and I don’t want anyone else know”

Jack nodded, his mind spinning. So they were two lonely people on the same boat?

“Coffee, sir?”

“Uh, what?” Jack snapped back to the reality. Ianto was smiling lightly at him but it was tainted with sadness that had always been there and he had never noticed it before. “No, thank you”

Ianto nodded and walked out, leaving Jack to his thoughts.