Dee is awesome at sex. Like, seriously, she kills it. The first time she bangs a chick, she knocks it out of the park. Dennis may think he's a hit with women, but Dee is actually fucking amazing with women. She should have started doing this a long time ago.
"Laurie, right?" she says to the woman next to her in bed.
"Mmm," probably Laurie hums, rolling toward her. "Yeah?"
"Hey, Laurie, listen, my brother and his gay life partner are probably going to get up soon and they're extremely obnoxious, horrible people. You might wanna leave before you have to, you know, deal with them?"
Laurie stretches and smiles at Dee. God, seriously, Dee doubts chicks ever look at Dennis with this kind of reverence (she's fairly confident, actually, she's watched a couple of the sex tapes). "Why do you let them live with you, then?"
"They burned down their own apartment because they're idiots. And I couldn't leave them on the streets, could I?"
"That's so nice of you," coos Laurie, leaning in for a kiss. Dee tries to squirm away and fails, but it's not so bad, really. Laurie's soft and knows how to use her tongue, at least. Much better than the men who've tried to kiss her. Men are animals, maybe she should stop wasting her time with them entirely.
Dee pulls away softly and scrunches her nose. "So are you gonna go or... ?"
Laurie looks briefly irritated but shrugs and slips out of bed to put on her clothes. "Are you sure you've never slept with a woman before?" she asks, looking over her shoulder as she slides on her jeans. "You seemed to know what you were doing."
Dee smiles and shrugs her shoulder. "Guess I'm just a natural! Who would have thought, right?" Like she wouldn't be good at lesbian sex, please. (Okay, fine, she's messed around a bit with Artemis, but that barely counts.)
After Laurie finishes dressing herself, she leans over for one last kiss. Alright, Dee will give her that if it'll get her out of the apartment. Dee puts her finger to her lips to indicate that Laurie ought to be quiet, and Laurie mimes the gesture back as she tiptoes out of the room. Of course the door squeaks like a bitch and Dennis always wakes up when it opens, so it's a pointless effort. She hears the hammock shuffling from other side of the wall and grins to herself.
When she hears the front door shut, she gets up, throws on her robe and marches into the living room.
"Who the hell was that, Dee?" Dennis demands.
"That was Laurie," she says, putting her hands on her hips. "Pretty hot, right?"
"Did you bang that chick?" Dennis asks, scrambling out of the hammock and tripping over Mac in the process.
"Agh, what the--"
"You're just banging chicks now?"
Dee nods her head. "That's right, boners. Did you see her ass?" She bites her lip and mimes grabbing a butt. "When's the last time you scored anybody that hot?"
"Please, Dee, I score plenty of-- that's not the point! What the hell are you doing? You're not gay!"
Dee rolls her eyes. "Who cares? I never said I wasn't interested in women. Men are greedy shitbags who can barely navigate their way around a clit, I thought I should see what I was missing. And it turns out a lot, and it also turns out that I'm great at banging chicks, so suck on that."
Dennis throws his hands up and says nothing, and Mac rubs his eyes and sits up in his sleeping bag.
"What's happening?" Mac asks groggily.
"I banged a super hot chick and Dennis is jealous," Dee explains, walking into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of juice.
"What?" Mac asks, standing up. Shit, and he has a boner. Does he even notice anymore? Jesus. "You banged a chick?"
"Yup," she confirms, popping the 'p.'
"What do you mean, how? I went to a lesbian nightclub and I bought a hot girl a drink, we made out in the bathroom and then she agreed to come over, it was easy as shit. Boom."
"Huh." Mac walks over to the kitchen and puts his elbows on the counter. "Well, you were already going to hell, so..."
"No, Mac, this is crazy," Dennis says, tying his robe closed and crossing the living room. "Dee can't just go around sleeping with members of the same sex like..."
"Like..." Dee prompts.
"Like it's nothing! I mean, you can't, just... you're not gay!"
"Gay enough to sleep with a chick. Why do you care?" She takes a sip of her juice. "Jealous? Surprised at how easy it was? Maybe thinking that you--"
"Shut up, Dee!"
Dee shrugs and finishes her juice.
Her next mission is to bang someone Dennis has tried to screw and failed. The satisfaction of scoring where he couldn't will be reward enough for the effort. She already has the perfect target: Jenny from the Wawa. She works with Gail the Snail and probably has terrible standards to be working at a convenience store in the first place. The only indication that she has a modicum of taste is that she's rejected Dennis twice that Dee's witnessed. Dennis pretends he hates the Wawa because of Gail, but Dee suspects it's the shame of rejection.
"Hey, Jenny, right?" she says, sliding up to the counter and throwing down a coconut water.
"Aren't you Gail's cousin?" Jenny asks. Dee gives her a nod. "Your brother is the worst, can you tell him to stop coming here and harassing me?"
"He's a total dickwad, I know," Dee agrees, leaning onto the counter and giving Jenny a once over. "But I can't fault his taste."
"Are you serious?" she asks, ringing up the drink.
"What?" Dee shrugs. "You're hot." Jenny tries to look annoyed, but she's also blushing. Bingo. "Listen, I'm not like my brother. If you don't want to go out, then I promise I'll leave you alone. Just thought I'd offer buy you a drink to try to make up for some of his bullshit, in case you were interested..."
"$2.19," Jenny says, and then she bites back a grin. "And, uh, I'll think about it." She grabs a piece of paper and quickly jots down her number and slides it to Dee.
Dee hands her the money and waggles her eyebrows. "I hope you do."
"Yo, Dee," Mac says, coming up next to her in the bar. "Did you bang Jenny from the Wawa?"
"Hell yeah," Dee smirks, putting her hand up for a high five. Mac just stares at her palm and she lowers it with a shrug. "Why?"
"Dennis is pretty pissed, he's tried like three times with that chick. She rejects him every time."
"Yeah, I know. Which just goes to show that I've got better pussy game than he does." She bites her lip and pumps her fist.
"Gross, Dee." She rolls her eyes. "Look, I know you love abortions and hate Jesus because you're a sinner who's going to hell, but don't you think you should be careful with this whole..."
"Gay thing?" She stresses the 'gay.'
"Yeah," Mac replies, looking down at the bar.
"Who cares? Honestly, even the pope has stopped hating gays--"
"But gays are still sinners," Mac interrupts, putting his finger up.
"Whatever. Listen, Mac, I know it's very important for you to believe that God will personally smite you if you so much as think about touching a dick, but you should do yourself a favor and get over it."
Dee doesn't have time for this shit, and she walks across the bar to grab a beer and talk to Charlie. Good ol' Charlie, who has never had a thirty year long gay crisis or gotten jizz on her furniture (well, not without her consent, at least). He's on some nonsense about the latest goblin or whatever he found in the basement, and Dee pretends to care. On the other side of the bar, Dennis and Mac have started bickering animatedly.
"They are so fucking pathetic," Dee laughs into her beer.
"Huh?" Charlie asks.
"They're so desperate to fuck each other," she says, pointing at the pair of them.
"Oh," Charlie says, looking over. "Yeah, obviously. You know, I kinda thought you banging Jenny from the Wawa would, like, motivate them to do something about it."
"Me too!" Dee agrees, waving her arms. "Right?! I mean, I did just sleep with her to fuck with Dennis, but come on!"
"Yeah, it totally makes sense! Like 'cause of how easy it was, they should realize--"
"Yeah! No, I totally agree." She smiles and takes another swig of her beer.
Charlie has gone silent beside her, fiddling with the bottle in front of him. He shuffles in his seat and scratches his head before blurting, "So, are you like gay now, or..."
"It's not because of..."
"No!" she insists. "No, so not. It's not because of anything in particular, and I'm still into dudes, just--"
"Are you sure? 'Cause--"
"What are you guys talking about?" Frank asks from behind, startling them. "You talking about Mac and Dennis?"
"Yeah, how they're--"
"Those two need to just bang and get it over with, this is getting depressing to watch." He gestures across the bar.
"Right?!" Dee says, and Charlie nods his enthusiastic agreement. "We're all so in agreement here." Dee throws her hands in the air. "Up top." This time, her high fives are reciprocated.
"Dude, stop, you're totally distracted," Dennis says to Mac, frustrated. They're seated, thighs touching, on Dee's sofa.
"I don't want you doing this if you're not gonna do it right."
Mac slows his hand and bites his lip. "I can't stop thinking about Dee."
"Do not talk about my sister with your hand on my dick, Jesus, what is wrong with you?"
Mac stops completely and leans back onto the sofa, shifting his gaze to the ceiling. "Dude, I don't know if I can keep doing this."
"Why offer, then, if you're-- whatever." Dennis has already made himself soft and tucks himself back into his underwear, fly still open. He runs a hand over his face in exasperation.
Mac sits back up straight. "It's just, like, seeing Dee bang chicks seems really... gay."
"Yeah, dude," Dennis agrees, "it's pretty much the definition of gay. What I don't get is how she can all the sudden just decide she's into chicks and is just, like, fine with it. What is that?"
"I'm starting to feel like maybe," Mac starts, ignoring Dennis, "what we're doing..." He scrunches his face and scratches his head. "It's kinda gay, right?"
Dennis stares at him. "What do you think--"
"Just, what are we doing, you know? In life? 'Cause if Dee's gay now--"
"Dee's not really gay, I mean--"
"--and Charlie like hates sex or whatever, I don't even know what Charlie is. It's like, what, we're just a bunch of fucking queers who run a bar with our weird dad? Dude, no, I'm not okay with that."
"'Dad?' What are you talking about, Frank is not your dad. Are you still on that bullshit from Family Fight? Dude, Frank did not literally adopt you, that was--"
"He raised you and Dee! And he's probably Charlie's actual dad, and he's like the gang's-- that's not the point! Look, Paddy's is an Irish Catholic bar, our gang has a specific image to maintain. I just think..." He runs both hands through his hair and huffs out a frustrated sigh. "I think we should probably stop fucking around before this gets out of hand, bro."
"What?" Dennis asks, shifting toward Mac and touching his bicep. "You're being irrational--"
"C'mon, dude, if we let this go any further--"
"What?" Dennis interrupts, throwing his hands up. "What, Mac? What the fuck are you still trying to prove? And to who? Your dad? Your dad bangs dudes, dude, he wouldn't give a shit about you not being straight. The gang? We all know and none of us care. I've had your goddamn dick in my mouth, you really think I'm in a position to judge you for homosexual tendencies? Jesus Christ."
Where the hell is this coming from? How dare Dennis-- and just, what is he-- Mac takes a steadying breath and considers his argument, some justification for what they've been doing, because Dennis is wrong. "That's right," he tries to assert. "Jesus Christ. The Lord. I know you don't care about that stuff, but--"
"Oh, fuck, Mac. Come on. There is so much goddamn shit the bible says not to do that you do all the time without flinching. You've had tons of premarital sex, you curse, you steal, you lie to people and cheat them, you only care about yourself. The bible says not to eat shellfish for fuck's sake, who the hell cares about a few lines about homosexuality that probably weren't translated or interpreted right in the first place?" Dennis's voice gets louder, his face starting to go red. "You use these excuses and you know they're all bullshit, but I can't for the life of me figure out why the hell you still care! Why do you do this to yourself when it serves absolutely no goddamn purpose because nobody in the universe actually believes that you're straight?!" He stands up, knocking the coffee table in the process. "I can't even look at you right now." He runs a hand over his mouth and walks into the kitchen.
Mac is stunned into silence. Dennis is wrong, he doesn't-- It's not like Mac is-- Dennis is wrong. He doesn't get it at all, because, like, Mac is just-- Okay, maybe he has urges and thoughts sometimes, but it's not like he's ever acted on them, not really, or even--
He's almost strung together a complete thought when the door to the apartment bursts open.
"Yeah, 's a pretty sweet apartment," Dee slurs from the entryway, slamming the door behind her as she stumbles in, her arm around what looks like a gayer version of the Waitress. "Not as cute as you, though." She pokes the woman beside her on the nose and they both giggle.
"Oh," says the stranger, taking in the living room. "Who's this?" she asks, giving Mac a once over and then turning to Dee to loudly whisper, "He's cute."
"Dee, what the hell, why are you wasted?" Dennis asks, still red in the face as he comes into the living room. "Why aren't you at Paddy's?"
"That's where I thought you'd be! Why're you boners here? I'm tryin'a get laid." She runs her finger down gay Waitress's chest and smirks.
"We share this apartment," Dennis asserts.
"You do not share this apartment! I'm letting you stay as my guests, out of the goodness of my heart--"
"Drop the bullshit, Dee, you let us stay because Frank threatened to stop paying your rent if you didn't."
Dee purses her lips and waves him off. "What'd I interrupt, anyway? Mac looks like someone just died."
"Don't worry about it."
"Whatever. This is Tabitha, by th' way. Tabitha, this is my brother and his..." she pauses, squinting, "his whatever. They're idiots who work at the bar with me and who I hope are about to leave to go work."
"This one can stay," Tabitha suggests, eyeing Mac.
Dee scrunches her face and waves her hands in front of her. "Ew, no. He's super gay, anyway." Mac doesn't even bother to argue with her. "Whatever, let's just go to my room."
Tabitha is cute, all tiny with her short hair and tattoos and a mouth like a sailor. Dee has banged some 10s recently, but this chick is, like, making her feel things she hasn't felt in awhile. Sexual things. Maybe-alright-with-kissing things. Dee pulls her onto the bed.
"You know," Tabitha says, leaning in, "don't be offended, but I kinda thought you were just one of those straight girls 'experimenting.'" She mimes air quotes and rolls her eyes. "And I just figured, she's hot, so whatever. But it's cool you have gay friends."
"Oh, yeah," Dee agrees, nodding. "Totally. We're all super, like, progressive, and all that shit."
"Isn't your bar, like, Irish Catholic themed?" Dee nods. "That's so rad. I'm so fucking sick of all these gay bars that fit all these goddamn stereotypes, like sometimes I just wanna go to a regular ass bar that's not filled with glitter and colored lights and electronic music and shit. You know? I just wanna go to a standard, dive-y American bar with a boring beer list. And not feel like I'm gonna get harassed or attacked for being gay." She hiccups. "Fuck, I'm drunk." She puts her hand on Dee's arm. "Can I get some water? Don't want a hangover."
"Sure," Dee says.
She opens the door to find Mac and Dennis sitting close on the couch, talking in hushed tones. The pull away from each other just slightly when they notice her enter.
"Oh, shit," Dee laughs, stumbling her way to the kitchen. "You could cut the tension in here with a knife. You guys about the bang or what?" She opens up the fridge and sees the Brita jug is empty. "Goddammit it, you guys never refill this thing." She grabs a glass and fills it from the tap instead. She looks over and Dennis has his hand on Mac's wrist. They're whispering, ignoring her, but she's not sober enough to discern what they're saying. "Don't get jizz on the couch," she instructs as she saunters back into the bedroom.
Tabitha is in her underwear when Dee returns to the bedroom, on her back and propped up on her elbows. She laughs at Dee's look of shock. "Goddamn," Dee murmurs, handing her the water and pulling off her shirt. By the time her pants are off, Tabitha has finished the water and set the glass on the nightstand.
"Is this your move?" Dee asks, crawling onto the bed and on top of her. "Ask for a drink and then get naked to speed things up?"
Tabitha lets out a breathy laugh as Dee presses her lips to her throat. "I play to my strengths," she says. "I know I look better undressed, and you don't seem like someone much interested in all the preamble."
Dee hums her agreement. "Nice to know we're on the same page," she murmurs, fingering Tabitha's bra strap. She gets the message and leans up just enough to unhook it, revealing tits bigger than Dee's. Shit, they're beautiful. Dee has always been glad to be thin-- as if it's an achievement, proving she's worth something-- but she's always loved tits and lamented not having larger ones to play with. She should have considered this whole bisexual thing sooner, because god, these feel glorious in her hands. Tabitha wastes no time and trails her hand down Dee's stomach, and yeah, she definitely knows what she's doing down there, holy shit.
Dee's a fucking idiot for not doing this sooner.
As soon as Dennis had suggested the hotel room, Mac had just stopped thinking about it. Dennis had some convoluted logic that considering it was no less of sin than actually doing it, and it was enough. He wanted to get laid and he wanted to sleep in a real bed and he wanted to stop hearing Dee's sex squawking from the other room and he wanted more than a fumbled hand job. He was past caring. Dennis had kissed him in Dee's apartment as soon as Mac had agreed to hotel room scheme, rough and dirty, biting his lip and-- oh fuck-- just like he's doing right now. Mac moans even loader this time, burying his hands in Dennis's hair and letting himself be dragged to the bed.
The sex is full homo. Like, in a bed, naked, with lube and fucking and all of it. Mac's been fucked in the ass before (it wasn't gay that time, because it was with Carmen), but this is different. Mac's watched enough of Dennis's sex tapes that none of it is exactly surprising, but, like... it's so gay. He's gonna have to repent really goddamn hard for this later, but it wasn't gonna do any more harm with God if he just enjoys this for a little bit longer.
It's just so good. He's in a real goddamn bed, way more comfortable than the one he had at the last apartment (and a big step up from Dee's floor). He's never stayed anywhere so fancy in his life, this hotel has a fucking plasma TV and trays of sparkling water on the nightstands, some real rich people shit.
"This hotel is sweet, this was a great idea," Mac says to Dennis, who has just emerged from the bathroom in a fluffy white robe and matching slippers.
"I know, the bathroom has Aveda products!" Dennis plops down next to Mac and the bed. He smells like a goddamn salon, but he's smiling for the first time in too long.
"I don't wanna go back to Dee's," Mac moans into his pillow. "I forgot about beds."
"So let's just stay here awhile, who gives a shit?" Dennis suggests.
"Yeah, that sounds great, man." He leans over to the coffee table and grabs the remote, flipping through the hotel offerings. "They have Predator on demand," he suggests. "Been hard to have movie night at Dee's."
"We didn't steal Frank's credit card so we could have a private place to watch Predator for the millionth time."
"Well, we already..."
But Dennis is kissing him, and okay, Predator and repenting can wait a little bit longer.
It's been two days since Mac or Dennis has been to the bar. Mac has five missed calls and three texts from Charlie. (He only sends them when Mac won't answer his phone, and they are 90% emojis. Mac's gotten pretty damn good at translating them.)
There are three people gathered outside of Paddy's, smoking. When they go in, there's actually a crowd. Not as big as it had been during their peak, but it's certainly busy.
"About time!" Dee says, walking up to them with a tray in hand. "Charlie and I have been slammed. I texted you like five times."
Mac nods as he surveys the crowd. "Where did all these people come from?"
Dee shrugs. "Tabitha posted about us online or something, I'm not exactly sure. Can you just get behind the bar? Charlie's floundering, he needs a break to go deal with a mess in the bathroom."
Dennis and Mac nod and head over there. Charlie smiles and pats them both on the back as he goes to do whatever gross janitor duties he has. Dennis starts taking orders as Mac verifies they have enough clean glasses and starts wiping down the bar.
"Hey, is that dude single?" someone asks him, pointing at Dennis. Shit, Mac can't even tell what gender this person is, what is with the crowd tonight?
"Oh, the bartender?" Mac asks. "Uhh..." he furrows his brow. "Well..."
"Oh," the person says, eyeing him up, "is that a loaded question?" Mac opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.
"Hey," Dennis says, sliding up next to Mac and placing a hand on his back. "Can you take over bartending for a sec? I need to deal with," he gestures across the bar, where Frank is accosting a group of people who look increasingly uncomfortable.
"Yeah, sure," Mac agrees, meeting Dennis's eyes.
Dennis drops his gaze briefly to Mac's lips before answering, "Thanks." He drags his hand across Mac's back as he walks past him to handle Frank.
"Shit," says the person across the bar as soon as Dennis is out of earshot. "You guys are cute." Mac thinks he should tell this idiot off, 'cute?!', but he ends up smiling instead.
It's one of the best nights Paddy's has had, like, ever. They're actually making money, but aren't so slammed that it's too much to handle. Dee is (miraculously) comfortable with the crowd and isn't wasting time trying her stupid humor, Charlie is free to handle cleaning and maintenance, and Dennis and Mac are able to manage the bar without getting pissed at each other or the customers. Frank occasionally checks the cash register and otherwise stays out of the way.
"Hey, guys?" Charlie asks, at just past midnight. They are all standing at the bar, and while the crowd hasn't much thinned, it has lulled for the moment. "What's with this crowd? It's kinda... uh... I can't put my finger on it."
Mac surveys the clientele. "Oh shit," he says, realization dawning. "Are we a gay bar again?"
"Ooh," Charlie says. "Shit."
"I think that chick I banged told her friends and stuff about us," Dee reasons. "So... it would make sense. She was going on about how she wanted to find a gay-friendly dive bar."
"Dive bar?!" Dennis asks.
"That chick was super gay," Mac adds.
"It worked before, right?" Frank asks. "When you were a gay bar? You made a bunch of money?"
"Yeah," Charlie says, nodding slowly. "You know, it's one of the only times we've ever made any money," he points out. "Legally, at least."
"Huh," Dee muses.
"That's true," Dennis agrees. "And this crowd is a little better than the last time, I don't mind this crowd."
They each look out at the crowded bar, and then back to each other and shrug.