Goldilocks and the (three) Bears, as told to Loki by Tony Stark in Chapters 16 and 17 of "Will you Walk Into My Parlor"
So… there was this blonde girl named Susan, or Jane, or something really whitebread and waspy, but she wanted everyone to think she was so tough, so she got herself some white chick dreadlocks and tried to come up with a gangster name. Everyone just called her Goldilocks, though, because, you know, blonde and dreadlocks.
Anyway, she hung out with this really pathetic group of Mean Girls casting rejects, who thought they were really, really tough, mostly because they lived in a gated community and didn’t have a real gang around…
So one day, one of the kids at their private school pointed out that there was a group of houses way back in the forests behind the campus, and the girls decided to go trash the places because they could and they were jerks.
Why no, I didn’t go to school with kids just like this, why?
Anyway, most of the other girls wimped out after not too long, but Goldilocks and her BFF Cindy had a dare going and neither of them was gonna chicken out and lose the bet.
What bet? Um... give the school nerd a blowjob, probably.
So after a bit, they came to this house that belonged to a family of bears– yeah, real bears, only they talk and have a house; it’s a fairy tale, it doesn’t make that much sense, but they were bears. Goldilocks was a human girl; Cindy was too, even though she wore those elf ear prosthetics, like, ALL the time.
So the door wasn’t even locked and they just waltzed in. Well, they were in for a shock because the Bear family didn’t even have a decent TV set. Their house was full of books, and an old upright piano, and all sorts of neat stuff, but neither of the girls had any taste, so they were just looking for the music and the video games, and being pissed they couldn’t find any.
Eventually, they hit up the kitchen and found one of those triple crock pots all set up full of porridge for a party or something. Well, one of them was REALLY spicy, and after Cindy tried some, she ended up chugging the beer she found in the fridge because she was TOTALLY a wimp about hot stuff. Goldilocks tried the next one, and it was bland, really bland, but she drank a beer because… hey... beer. Anyway, pot number three was the charm because it was just spicy enough to be tasty and make them drink more beer, but not so spicy as to need them to camp out in the bathroom and beg for mercy.
They polished that off and went upstairs.
Well, they found a stash of porn in the big bedroom, and it was pretty usual stuff– vanilla mostly, with some lesbian porn for straight guys – but by that point the girls were a bit drunk and they decided to experiment.
Cindy and Goldilocks were kissing each other and feeling each other up, but they’d never actually done anything beyond that with another girl, and most of what they’d done with guys they’d done drunk, so it was pretty sloppy. They spent a lot of time staring at the porn and making rude comparisons to the guys they knew.
Of course, both of them were lying through their teeth because they really hadn’t been that far with most of the guys, but, since neither of them wanted to admit that, they were lying a lot and trying to top each other, cribbing notes out of fan fiction and what porn they’d seen.
Eventually, they staggered out of there, and found the other adult-looking bedroom. It was decorated in early Mom, so they both knew INSTANTLY that this was gonna have some pills or something, because their moms always had pills or booze, so they wrecked the place looking for the good stuff. They didn’t find any pills OR booze, but they did find a box stuffed in the back of the lingerie drawer with one poor, sad, lonely dildo.
Goldilocks said, “Shit, this is pathetic!” and Cindy agreed, but they only had one more room to look through, so they figured: why not?
So they went into a room that looked like a baby room, with stuffed toys and bows everywhere, but all the furniture was just a bit too big for a toddler or anything. They opened the closet and it was STUFFED full of lace and ruffled baby doll dresses, like a little girl in a coloring book or something, all sized about right for a teenager.
Cindy stared and finally shouted, “OMG!” –Yes, she actually SAID the letters ‘O M G’– “it’s Lolita! I’ve totally seen this stuff online; it’s, like, expensive if it’s the real collectable shit!”
Goldilocks sneered, “People wear this? It looks like baby stuff.” She opened another wardrobe and found a big TV hooked up to a computer and video player. “FINALLY!” she yelled.
Cindy whistled as she opened a drawer, “This isn’t a bedroom, this is a kink room!” She waved Goldilocks over to show her a drawer full of restraints and toys.
There were restraints in one drawer, mostly, with lots and lots of gags. In the next drawer, there were all sorts of toys. In the bottom drawer, there were porn videos and magazines featuring girls dressed up in the clothes they found in the closet.
Well, the two of them were still pretty drunk, so they decided to watch one of the videos. It was really kinky, compared to what they were used to, with a bear (the fantasy type, that walks and wears clothes and talks, not like a normal bear) having sex with a human girl who was tied up and getting flogged. Well, the girls got all kinds of worked up, and finally Goldilocks suggested that they just get out the toys and try some of them out.
Well, Goldilocks didn’t want to admit she wasn’t anywhere near as experienced as she said she was, and in fact had never had anything but oral sex, but she’d never said she’d done any anal… so she told Cindy she’d never tried anal because she was afraid it would hurt, could they do it with the Toys?
And Cindy, who had actually done that but didn’t want to admit to it, said she hadn’t either but claimed to have watched a lot of anal porn, so she knew what she was doing.
So they were fucking each other with the dildos… Eventually, it ended up with Goldilocks tying Cindy to the bed and using the strap on, and Cindy was screaming and moaning so hard that they missed the bears coming home.
Well, as you can imagine, Mr. and Mrs. Bear came home and the place was wrecked, and there’s noises coming from upstairs, so they ran upstairs and heard screaming and moaning coming from the playroom… and they threw open the door and there was Goldilocks with one of the strap-ons fucking Cindy up the ass while she was tied to the bed…
Goldilocks saw the bears and screamed bloody murder and jumped out of the window, down onto the kitchen roof, and off into a leaf pile. She didn’t even take off the strap-on until she was halfway home.
Goldilocks expected the cops to arrest her, so she told all the kids at school that she and Cindy had gotten separated and she’d never found the house. Her friends told her to pay up and give the science nerd they always made fun of a blowjob, and she figured if she did no one would ever believe she’d trashed the house with Cindy… so she did.
Poor guy was delirious and thought she liked him; he was heartbroken later…
Anyway, when Cindy didn’t show up next week, and no one reported anything about the house being broken into, Goldilocks started to worry, but because she was a selfish bitch she never fessed up, and no one ever saw Cindy again.
Cindy meanwhile ended up being kept by the bears until they sold her to the Big Bad Wolf who ran a human trafficking ring. Sad, really.
What? You expected a “just a trick” ending or something? It’s a fairy tale, those things are gruesome as shit!
There’s a moral; Fairy tales always have morals:
Don’t break into houses just because you think you can get away with it.
Also, you aren’t a gangster just because you think your suburban rich kid upbringing isn’t exciting enough.
And don’t be a dick like Goldilocks– if she’d just fessed up, taken her lumps, and done her slap on the wrist jail term, Cindy would still be alive.