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Here Cums Blart Now

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Guy and Tim had just finished their 40th viewing for The Worst Idea of All Time season 3. The 40th viewing of Transformers 2. 150 minutes of stunted man children and seizure inducing special effects was taking its toll.

Tim was drunk. Guy was drunker and getting belligerent.

“What the fuck are we doing with our lives?” slurred Guy, punching Tim in the shoulder, “You’re such an asshole Tim, why did you make me do this? I hate you, you fucking dick” Guy slumped into an stiff mall food-court seat and cradled his head into his hands.

The boys were in West Orange, New Jersey for the TWIOAT North American tour. After the 40th viewing they had wondered over to the TGI Fridays at the mall to try to escape the existential crises their chosen path was throwing at them. Why did they think a TGIF in New Jersey would be an escape? It was no escape it only magnified their despair. Which made them drink harder.

Tim pulled a recorder out of his pocket and turned it on, he thought they might be able to salvage a recording out of this mess. “Guy, can you start the podcast?” Tim asked.

Guy raised his head sloppily “Go fuck yourself,” and rested his head back in his hands.

“Now Guy, that isn’t how we start a podcast now is it?” asked Tim.

“I don’t want to do this, I hate this, fuck you,” Guy said, as his head slid sideways off his hands and onto the table. Guy stared at Tim with one eye closed. He fell into a rage.

“I’m going to kill you for making me watch this 40 times you Cocksucker!” Guy screamed as he pushed himself off the table and took a swing at Tim. Tim dodged out of the way. Guy’s momentum took him off his feet and onto the floor.

“Guy! This is no way to start a podcast!” Tim shouted. Patrons in the food court were starting to take notice. “Now how do we start a podcast Guy?”

Guy struggled to his feet, and stumbled towards Tim. He passed a ribbon-line guide, and grabbed one of the posts. “I won’t let you ruin any more of my life Tim Montgomery!” he shouted as he raised the post over his head. While Tim was backing up he didn’t notice the shopping bags of the family directly behind him, and tripped, falling hard onto his back.

“This is how you start a podcast Tim!” shouted Guy as he raised to post above his head, aiming to bludgeon Tim to death.

*Crack* Guy falls to the ground after being hit in the back of the head with a tactical baton.

“Fucking Kiwis” said Maynard, a mall cop, before advancing on Tim. Maynard swung his baton and knocked Tim unconscious.


Guy awoke to muffled screaming and tried to move his hands, he couldn’t. He tried to stand up and found that his legs were bound too. His head was pounding, what the fuck happened he thought?

He heard the muffled screaming again and turned his head. He saw Tim, with blood on his face, with a ball-gag in his mouth and shackled to a chair.

“Hmmmmfph Tmmmph Wmph...” Guy tried to speak but realized that he too had a ball gag in his mouth.

“HMII”, said Tim staring at Guy with a look of fear in his eye.

Fuck Guy thought, I really need to watch myself at TGI Fridays, I am hungover as fuck..

They both looked to the door to the boiler room as they heard the lock turning. Tim recognized the mall cop who had beaned him and Guy as he swaggered in.

“Look what the fly trapped today” he said as he moved around to the back of the boys. He slapped there asses and assessed them like livestock. “Oooh, Blart’s gonna be pleased with you two`” he said.

The boys could hear the slight whine of an electric motor. It was getting closer. Tim and Guy looked at each other in terror. What the fuck was happening?

“No one kills anyone in this mall but me and Blart.” said Maynard. “And here comes Blart now,” said the mall cop as someone on a Segway bounced off of the boiler room door.

The boys hear some fumbling and grunting at the door, the jingling of keys, the lock turning. The door opens and in walks a suburban looking dumpy dude, with a pretty big gut.

Blart walks over to the boys pats Guy patronizingly on the cheek. “What are we gonna do with two Kiwis who come into my mall and try to kill each other?” He turned to Tim with a grin. He turns to Maynard “Which one are we gonna do first?”

Maynard puts his hand on his hip, and gets down on his haunches, examining Tim and Guy. “We should start with this one” he say’s pointing to Tim.

“It’s time to bring out the gimp” Blart says. Maynard nods and goes over to a large crate on the floor of the boiler room. He opens the box and brings out a man dressed tip to top in black leather, with his hands handcuffed to his belt. Blart unzips the mouth and eye zippers on the gimp-suit. The gimp starts to laugh as he sees the boy’s strapped to the chairs.

“Take him to the other room” Blart says to Maynard. Maynard drags Tim‘s chair to the next room.

Blart takes the Gimp’s leash and hangs it from the ceiling. He slaps his back and asks him to keep an eye on this one, then slips the lease onto a hook in the ceiling. He slips and Blart's feet go out from under him. Blart is splayed legs out trying to get up. He pulls himself up using the Gimp, whose neck is hanging from a leash.

Blart is slipping and sliding on the floor, climbing up the Gimp. Pulling himself up hand over hand. When he gets to the top he jumps and turns around and strikes an action ready pose.

“You didn’t see that!” Blart says to Guy. Behind Blart the Gimp is convulsing. Blart notices Guy staring at the body “That’s what happens when you shop lift from West Orange Mall!”

Blart walked into the next room.


Guy has been listening to the muffled screams for 30 minutes. He is not exactly sure what is going on to happen once they come for him.

He starts to rocks his chair back and forth, maybe he can drive it into the ground and get free! Rocking, rocking, rocking. He falls onto his side. But struggle as he might, he cannot get free.

The sounds of the next room stops. Guy freezes, this cannot be good. The door opens and Blart comers out. he is covered in sweat, and his fly is down. Blart rights the chair and grabs the back of of it “have a little accident? You’ll wish you just sat there.”

Blart drags Guy’s chair into the next room. Guy sees Tim strapped to a saw horse naked. Guy sees cum leaking from Tim’s ass, and an empty saw horse next to him.

Guy is struggling as Blart & Maynard untie him from the chair and strap him down. Maynard cuts Guy’s clothes off and throws them on the floor.

Blart steps back and says “we’re going to have fun wi-- ahh,” and slips in the cum dripping from Tim. He falls face first between Tim’s ass cheeks, and then slides off. Blart lands on his ass with a thump. His face is covered in a surprised look, cum, and lube. He scrambles to remove his shirt and uses it to clean the mess off his face.

Maynard comes up behind Guy, lubing up his hard cock. He walks into Guy’s ass, pushing his dick between Guy’s cheeks. “Mmmmm” Maynard moans, then pulls back and starts rubbing around Guy’s asshole with his fingers. He pushes on Guy’s asshole, it gives way and Maynard slides his finger in all the way. Maynard fingers Guy’s hole with one, then two, and finally three fingers, knuckle deep. Guy feels a pressure build behind his taint as Maynard pushes into his prostate, he feels himself get half hard.

Maynard pulls his fingers out and grabs his cock. He and presses it against Guy’s asshole. The hole resists at first then gives way. Maynard slides his cock in to the hilt. Guy gasps and struggles against his bonds. He feels full. He feels a pressure behind his taint that reaches the base of his hardening dick.

Maynard is thrusting fast and hard. He didn’t look big when Guy saw him but he feels plenty big now. Guy has never felt this before, he feels an urgency in his cock, spreading upward into his stomach.

Thrusting harder and faster into squirming Guy, Maynard grabs tighter onto guy’s hips “Buck Boy! Wooo, keep on squirming.” Maynard starts breathing haggardly and stops with a few deep thrusts, cumming deep into him.

“Ohhh Blart, you’re gonna like this tight cherry,” Maynard says to Blart as he pulls out. Guy shudders, and feels a dribble of cum run down to his balls.

“My turn now” said Blart. Guy heard a clink as Blart’s belt buckle hit the floor. Blart grabbed his cock tightly, pressing he head into Guy’s hole. He centers the head against the resistance of the asshole, he holds it fast, keeps pressing in until the hole gives way.

Guy gasped as Blart pushed his beer can cock inside, he was much larger than Maynard. Blart pushed himself most of the way in, groaning as he felt the hot wet flesh. He slowly pulled himself out and then pushed back in again.

“Ahhgh” Guy grimaced, he hurt as his hole was getting stretched, he felt a pinching pain inside.

Sliding in as far as his gut would allow, Blart then lifted his gut and rested it on Guy’s back. He reached under Guy and rubbed his stomach, “just relax. Shhhhhhh, just relax” he said.

Guy stopped clenching his ass and stomach and tried to just let it happen. Most of the pain fade away as Blart’s hard cock hit deep inside him. Blart’s cock hit his prostate with each down stroke. Blart was on his tip toes fucking him downwards. Guy was getting used to the pinch of pain mixed with the pleasure. He could feel the pressure above his taint get more urgent. He could feel a tingling moving through his stomach and into his limbs. He was moaning now, giving in wholly to the fucking.

The pre-cum dripping out of his cock was enough lubricant for Guy’s cock to let it rub against the saw horse and his stomach as Blart dug in deep. He was rocking forward with each of Blart's thrusts, the pressure above his taint was rising. Guy moaned, he could feel warmth rising up through his shaft.

Rising.

Blart started to pant and fucked Guy harder, faster.

Urgently.

The warmth in his shaft rose until Guy could feel tingling in his knob.

Building.

The pressure rose to a crescendo and then released. Guy clenched his ass and could feel himself cum throughout his body, from deep within. Heavy spurting traveled up his cock, the warm cum spreading over his stomach. One, two, three, four heavy loads shooting out, and then smaller ones as Blart continued to fuck the cum out of him. Blart pumped and Guy’s thoughts were gone, he was just a fuck pig.

As Guy’s asshole clenched to cum, Blart grabbed his shoulders and plunged as far as he could into him, he panted and with a few deep\ jilted pushes dropped his seed deep inside Guy. Blart stopped moving holding his cock inside Guy.

They both were covered in sweat and breathing heavy. Blart slid himself out of Guy, pulling a gob of cum out with him. Guy could feel the cum dripping down his ass and inner thigh.

Wiping himself off with some napkins from the juice shop, Blart wiped of his cock and luby pubes. He pulled his pants back up.

Maynard pointed a Polaroid camera at Guy’s ass, “Strike a pose Blart.” Blart spread Guy’s ass cheeks and got his smiling, sweaty mug right up next to it. The camera snapped, then whirred as it spit out the picture. Maynard grabbed the Polaroid picture and then handed the camera to Blart. He got down next to Tim’s ass and spread his cummy ass-cheeks. Blart snapped a photo.

Guy and Tim were confused when Blart and Maynard untied them. They stood up naked and dripping with cum, awkwardly looking at Blart and Maynard staring at them and shaking the Polaroids, waiting for them to develop.

“Never try to kill anyone in the West Orange Mall!” said Blart sternly. Wagging the Polaroid, “We’re going to hang these in the security office. You two are banded for life! We’d better not see your asses in the mall again.”

“Security” said a voice over the radio, “The ice cream shop is having trouble with their freezer, they may lose every tub they have.”

“Roger that” Blart said into the radio and winked at Maynard. “I know just the guys for the job,” Blart grabbed his clothes and sprinted to the door “let’s roll.”