So Much More Than Good Enough
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough
Sarah McLachlan, "Good Enough"
Maura knocked on Jane's door at exactly 6:53. She knew it would take eleven minutes to ensure Jane was appropriately dressed, twenty-two minutes to drive to the restaurant, and four minutes to find parking, putting them exactly on time for their 7:30 double-date with Bill and Ted, two accountants she had met at the gym last week. For some reason, Jane found their names funny.
Maura's plan suffered an immediate setback when Jane answered the door in a pair of gray shorts and a Red Sox t-shirt, her hair an unruly mess of curls. Usually Jane was at least most of the way ready, Maura only needing to suggest a different shirt or insist on a particular necklace.
"Jane. Did you forget our plans?" Maura wasn't sure why she asked such an absurd question – she had confirmed their date when they had walked out of work together the day before. She was just so startled to find Jane looking rumpled and – sad? Forlorn? Maura may not have been the best reader of emotions, but something was clearly troubling Jane.
"No, Maura, I didn't forget." Jane leaned heavily against the doorframe.
"Are you sick?" Maura pushed her way inside, then began assessing Jane for signs of illness. "No fever," she noted, removing her hand from Jane's forehead.
As she was about to check Jane's lymph nodes for swelling, the detective pushed her hands away. "Nothing's wrong. I mean, not physically."
"Then what? Is your family okay?" Maura's concern did not diminish.
"Maura, calm down. Everyone's fine. It's just – I can't – " Jane's hand moved restlessly through her hair.
"Jane, you can tell me anything," Maura tried to reassure her.
"Fine." Jane took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore."
"Do what? I need more details than just a vague pronoun." Maura's brain began filling in possible specifics "this" could mean – eat French food, leave her apartment – had Jane developed agoraphobia?
"This double-dating nonsense. I can't go out with a guy I know I won't see again just to watch you have a good time with a guy I instinctively hate, when all I really want is to be out with you without them."
Maura knew Jane wasn't always enthusiastic about her choices in dating partners and preferred to spend time just the two of them, but she had never been so dramatic about trying to get out of it. "You want to have a girls' night out? Why didn't you just say so?"
"No, Maura, that's not quite it. I want the double date to be a single date. You and me. On a date. Together." Jane took a step backward into the living room, putting her arms around herself protectively.
"Oh." Maura began to process. "Oh," she whispered, looking up at Jane, putting the pieces together. This was definitely not what she expected when she knocked on the door this evening.
Jane sighed and looked away. "I know it may ruin our friendship to tell you this, but it's ruining me not to tell you. I've tried. So hard. But I can't be around you, I can't have you look at me and touch me like you do and have it not mean to you what it means to me. I thought I could do the noble thing and be satisfied just being your friend, but I can't anymore. It's too hard. If it's too awkward to just be colleagues, I'll transfer out of Homicide –"
Maura's finger on Jane's lips silenced the detective. Not breaking eye contact, she reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone.
"Bill, hi, it's Maura…No, we're not running late...I'm going to have to cancel our dinner tonight. Something has come up…I'm so sorry…No, I'm afraid I won't be available for a raincheck...I hope you and Ted have a lovely evening."
Maura put her phone in her purse and her purse on the counter, then reached for Jane's hand. Leading them to the couch, she sat down next to the detective.
Jane hung her head. "Maura, you don't have to cancel on my account. Heck, you can go on a date with both of them. I don't want to mess up your evening."
"Jane, I hardly think spending time with you counts as a messed-up evening." Her heart was pounding as she considered how to convey what she needed to say. She decided to keep it simple. "And after what you just said, I'm certain it's going to be a much better evening than I had planned."
Jane's head snapped up, her eyes meeting Maura's. Her expression seemed guarded but hopeful. Maura was getting more practice deciphering emotions than she had anticipated.
Maura took Jane's hands and a deep breath and went on, "All those looks, all those touches – they do mean to me what they mean to you. Although I didn't know it until tonight. You've fought so hard to prove you're not the stereotype people think you are, I thought I never stood a chance. I thought there was no way you could feel about me the way I've felt about you since I met you."
Jane's eyebrow raised, and Maura detected a faint smirk. "Since you met me? Really?"
Only Jane could go from wary to cocky so quickly. "Yes, Jane. Since I met you. Despite your penchant for unflattering blazers and dowdy shoes." Maura gave a smirk of her own.
Jane's mouth widened into a full-blown grin. Then Maura's previous comment registered. "Wait, people think I'm a –" Jane stopped speaking, but her hands continued to gesticulate at random.
"A lesbian, Jane. And if you're looking for a hand gesture for it, I believe it's commonly accepted that you form your fingers into a vee and –"
"Stop right there. I don't want to know. And just because I want to date you doesn't mean they're right," Jane huffed. "Who exactly are we talking about? Has someone said something to you about me?"
Maura put her hands on Jane's shoulders to calm her down. "Is this really the conversation you want to be having right now? Because I, for one, would much rather talk about how you feel the same way about me as I feel about you."
"Oh. Right. Sorry. I got sidetracked. I guess I never expected this evening to go this way." Jane seemed to finally register the impact of their mutual revelations. She looked into Maura's eyes. "So let's talk."
Maura forgot what the original topic was for a moment as she gazed at Jane. Breaking eye contact, she shook her head to clear it. She knew discussions of feelings weren't usually high on Jane's list of things to do, so she tried to begin on a light note. "You're the one who got things started – why don't you tell me when you first recognized your deep and unwavering attraction to me?"
Jane smiled, but she was serious as she responded. "Maura, how could anyone not be attracted to you? You're beautiful, brilliant, caring, kind. When you walk into a room, everyone lights up – Frost, Korsak, all of us. As soon as I met you I just wanted to spend more time with you. And for some reason, you let me. Me, with my unattractive blazers and dowdy shoes. Then we became friends – best friends. If I didn't see you every day, my day just wasn't complete. You were the first person I wanted to turn to when something went well or when something went wrong. You never gave any indication that you were interested in me like that, so I tried to be content with just our friendship. But this ache in my chest just got worse and worse, especially when you'd tell me about some new man you'd met or pointed out some guy you thought was hot. It got harder and harder not to kiss you goodnight at the end of every evening. Assuming you didn't torment me further by sleeping with me in my bed. Do you know what it's like to have the person you want more than anything right there next to you but not be able to do anything about it?"
After what may have been the longest series of consecutive sentences she'd ever heard Jane speak, Maura decided not to interpret the question as rhetorical.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do know what it's like. I wanted – I want – you too. But you were so defensive any time anyone even alluded to a lesbian cop stereotype. Even tonight, you seemed upset someone would think of you like that. All the data I had pointed to you being one hundred percent heterosexual. So I settled for your friendship, even though I wanted so much more. And it wasn't settling. I love spending time with you, in whatever capacity. I tried to push those feelings aside and appreciate what I had. So I went on dates with other people – what else was I supposed to do?"
"Go on a date with me." Jane sounded petulant.
Maura considered Jane's words. "Is that a statement or a question?"
Jane cocked her head. "I guess it's a question. Will you go on a date with me?"
Maura smiled. "I'm not exaggerating when I say I thought you'd never ask. Yes, Jane, I would love to go on a date with you. It seems you already owe me dinner, since we apparently won't be dining at La Marseilles tonight."
Jane jumped off the couch and headed to the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, Maura. Are you hungry?" She peered into the refrigerator. "Do you want some, well, all I have is leftover pizza and half a loaf of bread. I was totally going to go to the store tomorrow. But this in no way counts as our first date. Our first date will be spectacular."
"I have no doubt of that. And pizza is fine. Let's just watch a movie and relax together. We have a lot more to talk about, but there's no rush." Maura feared Jane was reaching a point of overload – her capacity for emotional conversation was likely maxed out, and Maura didn't want to push her over the edge.
Jane put a plate loaded with pizza into the microwave and turned to Maura. "Wait, I have one last question before we transition away from the heavy stuff for tonight. Why did you keep setting us up on all those stupid double dates if you were interested in me?"
Maura couldn't be anything but honest, even if it wasn't entirely the answer Jane might be looking for. "The pragmatic side of me said I may as well spend time with someone who might be interested in me while spending time with the person I was interested in. If they hadn't all had diagnosable conditions, I really would have considered trying to have a relationship with one of them. But to the softer side of me, which does exist, it was an excuse to get dressed up and go out with you. In some ways, it's felt like we were dating for a long time."
Jane gave Maura a small smile. "I suppose it does." Her smile widened. "At least now we can do it without the obnoxious arm candy trying to grope you in front of me all night."
After a mediocre movie and surprisingly good leftover pizza, Maura rose from the couch. Jane's hand was still connected to hers, as it had been since halfway through the movie when it finally completed its slow journey from Jane's thigh to Maura's. For a moment, Maura had felt like she was on her first date in high school, with Roger Egglesworth. He had taken most of a lame movie to hold her hand as well.
"I should go. I'm volunteering with P.U.K.E. in the morning, and I want to be alert." While that was technically true, Maura also wanted to give Jane some time to process. For all of Jane's beautiful words this evening, Maura knew the issue of being in a relationship with another woman would give her pause. Much as Maura wanted to stay, if only for another one of their sleepovers, she wanted to give Jane an opportunity to reflect before moving things forward.
Jane got up from the couch and walked with Maura to the door. "I haven't forgotten about our date. Are you free next Saturday?"
"For you, Jane, of course."
"Excellent. That gives me a week to plan." Jane looked like she was already putting together the details in her head.
"And me a week to look forward to it." Maura smiled.
Jane reached for the doorknob, but Maura stopped her.
"Wait. You said earlier it got harder and harder not to kiss me goodnight. It doesn't have to be hard tonight." Standing face-to-face with the woman she'd imagined kissing for so long and knowing it could finally happen, Maura was not going to let the opportunity pass. Not when there was a .13% chance of being hit by a car on the way home.
Jane stepped back from the doorway and looked down into Maura's eyes. To Maura, it felt like it took eons for Jane to bend her head and close the distance between them. She thought the kiss would be intense, overwhelming, physical – all the ways she would describe Jane herself. It was nothing like she expected. Other than Jane's hands resting lightly on her waist, the only physical connection was their lips, which somehow heightened the sensations. The kiss was so soft, so sweet. If Maura were to continue her streak of interpreting emotions, she would even go so far as to say it was reverent. Jane was gentle and slow as she pressed her lips against Maura's again and again. Maura fought the urge to bury her hands in Jane's hair, to pull their bodies together – she didn't want to ruin this unique connection. Though she tried to block out all other stimuli to focus solely on the exquisite feeling of Jane's lips on her own, Maura couldn't help noticing the soft sounds they made as they came together, Jane's breath through her nose on Maura's cheek, the pounding of her own heart in her ears.
It was over too soon. Maura let out the tiniest whimper when Jane stepped back, leaving her eyes closed as she recovered from the most incredible kiss she had ever received.
"Wow," was all she could manage as she met Jane's eyes. Were they smoldering? Jane's eyes had never smoldered before.
"Yeah, wow," Jane replied, looking a little stunned herself.
"I should – I should go," Maura managed, opening the door and stepping into the hallway. "Thank you."
Thank you? Maura decided there was no way she could be expected to come up with more coherent speech after a kiss like that.
True to her word, Jane went all out on their first date. After a week at work of secret smiles and stolen little touches, Maura was more than ready for some time alone with Jane. They hadn't had an opportunity to delve further into the conversation they had begun the weekend before, and Maura felt the need for a little reassurance it was all real.
Jane delivered. She picked Maura up exactly on time, wearing a dress – and one that looked perfect on her. There was no way this was their usual going out routine – Jane never dressed up this much for their double dates or even their nights out together.
"Jane!" Maura exclaimed. Unable to help herself, she went on, "I didn't know you owned anything by Isabel Toledo. I'm not surprised you were drawn to her modest hemlines and necklines."
With an indulgent smile, Jane responded, "I may have gone shopping this week. So I clean up okay?"
"If by that you mean you look good, then yes – you look beautiful." Not finding a reason not to, Maura reached out to embrace Jane – their first hug since acknowledging their feelings. It felt different; Maura was able to let herself enjoy it, to fully experience Jane's body pressed against hers. She could feel Jane's heart beating against her own, and she found it was racing too. There were no longer social constraints that made her pull away sooner than she would have liked, so she didn't.
"Can we just stay like this all night?" she asked, with a contented sigh.
"I get all dolled up and make plans for a big night out, and it turns out you're fine with just hug instead? No way, lady. We're going out on the town."
Maura was struggling to accurately describe her feelings as she lay in bed that night, unable to fall asleep. She thought going on a date with Jane would make her feel happy, and it did, but there were so many other, complicated feelings layered on top that she hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as she'd expected.
Seeing Jane in that stunning dress, well how that made Maura feel was easy to identify – aroused. But also tender – Jane looked more vulnerable in feminine clothing, and Maura found she appreciated that side of the detective as much as the strength she usually projected.
Hearing Jane apologize for her "crappy" car and put herself down for apparently not being able to take Maura out in style, that made Maura feel exasperated. Jane had never apologized for her car before – why did it matter now?
Arriving at Selle De La Terre, Maura felt primarily hungry – she knew how good their Provencal food was. And a little impressed – who knew Jane was aware this was rated the best French restaurant in Boston?
Talking with Jane over dinner was a little stilted. Maura wanted to chalk it up to them getting used to the change in their relationship, believing they would relax as time passed. But now that she reflected, she worried Jane had been uncomfortable. Jane kept glancing at the other patrons in the restaurant guiltily. Was she afraid people would know they were together? They had never finished their conversation about Jane's discomfort at being perceived as a lesbian – perhaps going on a date before resolving the issue was a mistake.
Maura's theory may have explained the feelings she had on her doorstep at the end of the evening. She had been looking forward to relaxing on the couch and beginning to explore the physical side of their new relationship, but it was not to be. The kiss Jane gave her was chaste – enjoyable, but chaste.
But for the look Jane gave her before she turned and walked back to her car, Maura would have despaired that their relationship would never progress beyond Jane's internalized homophobia. The look made Maura feel…hunted. Like Jane wanted to devour her. It was totally at odds with the somewhat standoffish behavior Jane had displayed throughout the night.
So Jane wanted her, but something was holding her back. As she finally felt able to drift off to sleep, Maura decided to go against her natural instinct to address things directly. She would be patient and give Jane time to work through whatever issues she was having. But not too much time. Those innocent kisses would only satisfy her for so long.
The first thing Maura noticed when she stepped into Jane's apartment on Tuesday was how clean it was. Jane always had clothes strewn all over the place and dirty dishes in the sink. Maura generally had to watch her step, lest she trip on one of Jo's toys and break her neck. Tuesday, the place was spotless.
The second thing Maura noticed was the smell of tomato sauce. Entering the kitchen, she saw that Jane had cooked tortellini and garlic bread. There was even a bowl of salad that had more than just iceberg lettuce in it. Most surprising was the bottle of Beringer Knights Valley already open on the counter to breathe.
The third thing was that Jane was still dressed in her work clothes. Usually she would be in oversized sweatpants and a t-shirt, but Tuesday she looked nice. Then again, Maura considered, she always liked Jane in her comfy clothes – Jane was always more relaxed and free in them.
"Jane, this is wonderful. But you didn't have to go to all this trouble."
"It was no trouble. I know you'd rather have real food than takeout."
"True. That's very sweet of you." Maura moved to embrace Jane, hoping for a kiss. Just as their arms wrapped around each other, the kitchen timer went off.
Jane pulled away. "That's the pasta. I don't want it to be overcooked."
Maura sighed. Maybe dinner would be an opportunity for meaningful conversation and she could subtly steer it towards the "l-word" issue. Clearly they wouldn't be eating in front of the TV as usual.
But Jane seemed content to talk about work and her family. Just as Maura was considering broaching the subject of what she should or shouldn't say or do around Jane's family, Jane jumped up from the table.
"It's eight o'clock. There's a documentary on the history of handbags I thought you'd like to watch." Jane moved into the living room and turned on the TV, searching for the right channel.
"How thoughtful. Did you know as far back as the Egyptians, hieroglyphs showed people carrying pouches around their waists?"
"No spoilers!" Jane smiled.
"Was that sarcasm?" Maura smiled back. It was nice to see Jane hadn't put her sense of humor wherever she had put her dirty clothes.
"Noooo," Jane drawled.
They settled in on the couch, Maura tucking herself under Jane's arm. Maura found the documentary fascinating, and she could see Jane tried to stay interested. It was flattering, if a little disconcerting, that Jane was so attentive to her desires. Well, not all of her desires.
Maura decided a little kissing wouldn't violate her vow to be patient, so she turned to Jane as the credits rolled. Pushing a few strands of hair behind Jane's ear, she leaned in and planted a kiss on Jane's cheek, then her neck. Jane stiffened at first, then relaxed and allowed Maura to turn her head so their lips could meet. Too few moments later, just as Maura was feeling like progress was being made, Jane pulled away and rested their foreheads together.
"It's been a long day, and I should probably get some sleep. I've got to get in early tomorrow to catch up on paperwork."
Maura gave Jane what she hoped looked like a sincere smile and nodded her agreement.
"I had a wonderful time tonight. Thank you for dinner and the documentary and the cuddles." Maura slipped her shoes back on and walked to the door. "Kiss me goodnight?" she asked, unable to help batting her eyelashes as she looked up at Jane.
Once again, that intense look appeared in Jane's eyes. But the kiss was as soft and innocent as ever.
We'll get there, Maura told herself. There's no rush.
After an evening similar to Tuesday – this time with chicken marsala and a Discovery Channel show about tortoises, no progress on the smooches, and a date to the opera on Saturday, Maura was starting to wonder if Jane had developed dissociative identity disorder. When Jane took her to an exhibit of French Impressionists the week after that, Maura decided enough was enough. Watching Jane try to pretend to be interested in what the guide was saying was just sad.
Maura wasn't sure yet what was going on with Jane, so she decided it was time to start testing her theories.
Theory one: Jane kept planning dates to places she knew they wouldn't see someone she knew because she didn't want anyone finding out she was dating another woman.
That would explain the lack of dates to anywhere they'd ever been before or anywhere Jane really wanted to go.
Theory two: Jane was under the mistaken impression she needed to be someone different now that she was Maura's girlfriend and not just her friend.
That just seemed backwards – wouldn't someone be on their best behavior and feign interest in things when she's trying to get someone to date her, not after they're already together?
Theory three: Jane was afraid of or uncomfortable with the idea of sex with another woman.
Jane was pretty uncomfortable talking about sex at all, and she did seem a little prudish at times.
Theory four: Jane had no sex drive at all.
Unacceptable. Maura had to believe behind those intense eyes was the pent-up desire to tear her clothes off and have her way with her.
Theory five: pod people.
This one would be hard to test. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.
When Jane stopped by the morgue Friday afternoon to discuss their plans for the weekend, Maura saw an opportunity to test theories one and two.
"I was thinking we could go to Formaggio Kitchen South End for that organic French wine tasting tomorrow," Jane offered. Despite no one else being in the room, she was leaning against an unoccupied slab with her arms crossed.
Deciding it wouldn't hurt to test theories three and four as well, Maura stepped into Jane's personal space and ran her hands down Jane's arms.
Leaning in to speak directly into Jane's ear she said, "I was thinking it's my turn to plan a date. I want to surprise you. I'll pick you up at 2:00. Don't dress up."
Jane seemed torn between bolting and begging Maura not to stop talking. The look on her face was simultaneously pained and pleased. Evidence in favor of theory three and against theory four, Maura thought. She gave Jane a reprieve and stepped back.
"Don't dress up like you don't dress up or don't dress up like I don't dress up?" Jane asked.
"Be yourself. Be comfortable. You dress like you and I'll dress like me, and we'll have a great time."
Maura arrived at Jane's door wearing Missoni. Jane was in jeans and a BPD t-shirt.
"Perfect," Maura pronounced, greeting Jane with a kiss.
"If you say so," Jane shrugged. "I'm not sure in what universe what you're wearing qualifies as dressing down, but you look great, that's for sure."
"Like I said, I want us both to be comfortable. I'm comfortable in this and you're comfortable in that. We don't have to be the same."
Jane's shoulders relaxed a bit and she seemed to be processing. Theory two? Maura wondered.
When they arrived at Fenway Park, Jane was surprised, but pleased.
"You want to watch a baseball game? I thought you found it boring." Jane unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face Maura.
"I admit, while baseball may be America's pastime, it isn't my favorite. But I like spending time with you, and I like doing things that make you happy." Maura took Jane's hands in her own. "You've been so considerate about doing activities I like since the shift in our relationship, and at first I found it flattering. Then I realized a couple of things I didn't like so much. First, I felt like I was a terrible girlfriend by letting you do nice things for me but not doing anything for you. Thus, the Red Sox game. Second, even though you were doing these nice things, it didn't seem like you were enjoying yourself. So I want us to agree to some parameters for our relationship: we should make it a point to do things we both like, and we should find a balance of doing things together that only one of us likes. Deal?"
Jane gave a wry smile. "It was that obvious that opera's not my thing?"
"You tried very hard to like it, and I appreciate that. But we can go to action movies, too, and I'll try to see what you enjoy about them." Maura wasn't sure what that would be, but if Jane could sit through Griselda, Maura could endure Blowing Stuff Up and Crashing Cars Part IV.
"So you're my girlfriend?" Jane was still smiling, but Maura considered her response carefully. Theories three and four were still on the table.
"I'd like to be if you want to me be. We need to talk about what that means, and we will. Soon. But not today. Today we have to find out if Adrian Gonzales can continue his 13-game hitting streak." Maura let go of Jane's hands and moved to get out of the car.
"Wow. You really are trying to appreciate what I like." Jane halted Maura's progress and leaned towards her. "And, for the record, I do want you to be my girlfriend." Jane gave Maura a quick kiss. Not quite a PDA, but I'll take it.
It wasn't until the third inning that Maura realized Jane had never agreed to her request.
"I still can't believe we sat in the nosebleed section. And that you drank Bud Lite." Jane was in a great mood as they walked out of the stadium after a 5-4 Sox victory over the Orioles. She poked Maura with her #1 Fan foam finger.
Maura looked up at Jane, shading her eyes from the summer sun. "I told you – I wanted you to be comfortable. And I'm not so stuffy that I can't manage a couple of low-quality beverages." Maura had never tasted horse urine, but she had a sneaking suspicion it would be better than what the beer vendors had to offer.
Jane snorted. Maura let it pass.
As they continued to the parking lot in companionable silence, Maura considered her experiment. She was inching toward crossing theory one off her list – Jane had seemed to have a very good time at a place she could have run into people she knew. And while she hadn't been overly demonstrative, Jane had put her arm around Maura at various points and given her a huge hug when David Ortiz scored the winning home run. So maybe Jane wasn't afraid of strangers perceiving her as a lesbian, but Maura still wondered how Jane felt about her co-workers and family knowing about them. She didn't think it would be easy for Jane to admit she was exactly what she'd been trying to prove she wasn't for so long.
Theory two was still a possibility – Jane had enough notions about the way things should be that she might be behaving how she thought a model girlfriend should. Maura wanted to believe a simple conversation would set things straight, but she knew Jane too well to get her hopes up.
Theories three and four weren't appropriate to test at a baseball game, but she would work on them next.
Testing theories in a scientific experiment was so much more straightforward than testing them in a relationship. Maura was beginning to think it might be time to return more to her usual method of information gathering – direct questions. She didn't want to scare Jane off, but the stress of trying to interpret every nuance of their verbal and nonverbal interactions was getting to be too much.
"Jane? I know I promised we wouldn't talk about relationship stuff anymore today, but can we plan to do that sometime soon?" Maura looked at Jane, trying to gauge her reaction. "I figured you'd prefer advance notice rather than having me spring it on you."
"I can't believe you let me go this long without it," Jane actually seemed calm about the idea, although it was clear she was never going to be the one to bring it up. "Of course we can talk about our relationship. I may not be the most comfortable with all that stuff, but I know we'll never make it work without it."
Maura took Jane's hand and gave it a squeeze. Maybe she should have gone with her usual methods from the beginning – it turned out Jane wasn't the only one whose behavior changed when their relationship did.
"How about dinner at my place on Wednesday?" she asked.
"Okay. Are you going to send me a list of discussion points in advance, or will we just do it freestyle?"
Maura wasn't sure if Jane was joking or not. While an agenda might appeal to her organized nature, she considered that in a relationship it might be taking things too far. All the same, she decided this was an opportune time to stop treating Jane with kid gloves.
"I already have a spreadsheet with topics, where I can cross-reference your thoughts with mine to see if we're compatible," Maura replied with a straight face.
Jane stopped walking, then stumbled as Maura, her hand still holding Jane's, continued moving. "A spreadsheet? You're joking?" Maura couldn't hold back her smile any longer. "You're joking," Jane repeated, this time as a statement. "I suppose I deserved that. Freestyle it is."