I'll never forget that day.
What I felt; I felt so empty, I felt so useless. I felt like nothing I did ever mattered. I tried so hard to be good, to destroy evil like Father said, but it never worked out that way. It was always so 'grey', so murky. All demons were evil, but then they weren't. Angelus was a horrendous beast who thirsted for my blood, but no. He was Angel, and he loved me no matter what unforgivable act I'd committed.
And he forgave me, and at the time I couldn't even forgive him, forgive him for never finding me. He tried, oh I knew he tried, but in my psychosis filled eyes he never tried hard enough. Pentagrams, torture, threats, blood spilt- nothing worked. If he truly loved me like he said, he wouldn't have given up after only a few short days. But he did, and everything was ruined because of it.
Nobody had loved me. Not Father, not Angel; my own mother couldn't even contain her hatred at having me growing inside of her. Not Cordy… She said she did, but it was all a lie. My whole life was built on lies. Lies that someone I loved as my father forced upon me. Me, the demon spawn. Me, the Destroyer, feared by a whole dimension, but couldn't even survive in the one I was born into.
I never felt the love of Jasmine like everyone else did. I couldn't, I was numb. I was incapable of feeling any warmth, anything good. I'm still not sure why I killed her, my… daughter? It frightens me to think that I helped create her, helped bring her into this world. I wasn't angry when I did it, I wasn't sad, I wasn't anything. I couldn't be.
I made up my mind after that. I had to end it- End my meaningless existence, taking as many lives as I could with me. I didn't understand it. How could they go on living in this world when it was so cruel? So harsh, so unforgiving, and cold… It was everything that Angel had said it was, but the only problem was, I wasn't a champion like he was, I couldn't make it better, I could only make it worse. And that's what I was going to prove as I strapped that mess of explosives to my chest, and everyone else around me, even Cordy.
" You're not holding her right."
I remember saying this as I gazed at a father and his daughter. He wasn't. He wasn't holding his daughter like he cared if she was to die, in fact he looked as if he were ready to offer her to me so that he may go free, and live.
Nobody ever held me when I was child, though, I had longed for it deeply. I knew better than to ask father of this. I was a warrior, and warriors weren't held, they didn't need to be, they were strong. But I am not strong, and I realize now that I never have been.
I was pacing anxiously when I felt his presence behind me. I knew he would come, I needed him to. I had to say goodbye, I had to finally tell him what it was truly like for me.
He tried to talk me out of it, telling me wishful things of 'starting over', and 'being a family', but I knew better. I knew that we could never start over, that we could never truly be a family after all I had done. Nothing could ever change things, the only thing that did was death, and it was what I greatly longed for, what I needed.
But he wouldn't let me. I saw the pain lurking within his eyes, the tears that he was trying desperately to contain, surely mirroring my own perfectly. And so we fought… We fought, each determined to reach our own goals. Me, to leave this life behind, and him to prevent me from doing so. He tried to be my angel. But I didn't deserve an angel. I didn't deserve him, no matter how much I blamed him, I knew… I knew he was a good man, and a better person than me, better than I could ever hope to be.
He finally gained the upper hand, finally won, just like I knew he would all along. He would always win, for I could never actually beat him, my angel, my dad, my true father…
The knife was to my throat as he said, "I really do love you, son."
My words would forever linger in his head, I knew, as I said them, "So, what are you gonna do about it?"
My eyes widened slightly as he brought the blade gliding across the exposed flesh of my neck. I remember thinking, This is what I wanted… so, then why is he giving it to me when he loved me so, that he wished me to live?
I didn't get my answer, and I wouldn't until months later after the ignorance was lifted, as the spell keeping me away from him broke. I remember the dark. It was peaceful before I was ripped from its blissful silence, and taken to live a new life, with a new family.
I sit here now, waiting for him to come out of his office. It's routine now, my family accepts this, though they don't know the real reason I come here.
I'm slouched over, my hair covering my face, as I bite my nails nervously. It doesn't matter how many times he assures me that he wants me here, that he wants to see me all the time, that I am, and always will be his son, his once baby boy Connor. I am still afraid that he'll want to leave me again, and I know that if he did, I couldn't bear it.
His door swings open, and he smiles as he sees me sitting here. My nervous habits no longer concern him, or if they do he doesn't lead on, for he knows this is how I always am, and I cannot change it no matter how many times my personality has been altered.
I stand up as he walks over to me, and close my eyes as he embraces me in a hug. He has given me something I have always wanted, not the new family, the fake one, no. Heis my family, and he gave me what I've needed from him since the very beginning…
For him to hold me like he did before everything was taken away from me, before everything was taken away from him. Before all of my misjudgments, and mistakes. He has shown me love, and I can never fully repay him for that as I wrap my arms around him in turn, and whisper a faint, "I love you too, Dad."
And everything falls into place, just like it should have all those lonely years ago…