With Derek’s last breath he lifelessly traced Stiles’ cheek, “Love you…”
Darkness surrounded the edges of his vision and he hoped that Stiles heard him, that he hoped Stiles knew and understood what those two words meant beyond their simple form. Expressions of not just love, but of joy, promise, life and hope. The world around him went still; everything was bleak, quickly losing all signs of life and meaning. In the matter of seconds Stiles went from a young beautiful boy radiating with bright light to nothing but a shadow lost in his mind.
After years of pain, grief and anger Derek felt finally at ease with himself. That all the weight he was carrying was gone. In the back of his mind he knew that what he was feeling wasn’t right; nothing has ever been this easy for him, so why now? But as much as he wanted to fight, to get back to the place he was familiar with, his body wouldn’t function; he laid there suspended in darkness and his eyes grew heavier by the second. For some reason Derek understood that once your eyes were closed, everything would end – it was like the darkness was caressing his skin with silent whispers which held meaning. Just as his eye lids were meeting, vines of white light surged towards his body and he heard a faint echo of a familiar voice he couldn’t place.
“Don’t you dare leave me, keep fighting Sourwolf.”
So he did. With every ounce of strength he had left, he used it to keep his eyes open. To watch the vines wrap around his body; as the magic connected with his body his memories came back to life. From his very first memory of him running with his pack when he was three, playing in the snow and making snow wolves with Cora and Peter, to moving back to Beacon Hills and finding his new home in people he would have never expected to and to falling for a beautiful boy who ran with wolves. They had meaning. He had meaning. And Derek wasn’t letting go.
He neared the brink between both realms and smiled, Stiles, I’m coming home…
Derek braced himself as he jerked into an upright position. His hand unconsciously went to his throat and he gave into a silent chuckle. “He did it…Stiles did it.”
He looked up hoping to see his warlock, but instead was greeted with his pack, minus Stiles. One of his pack said something, but he wasn’t listening; he focused solely on finding Stiles. Muting everything out, but coming up empty. Derek frantically stood to his feet and pushed past his pack to try and locate his…mate?
“Stiles! Where are you?!” his voice was wary and filled with fear. Derek’s heart was beating faster then what was healthy; when he finally heard Stiles’ voice it wasn’t the words he wanted to hear. It felt like he was back in the empty void which Stiles saved him from – his body went limp and he collapsed to the floor; he heard a howl and he wasn’t sure if it came from him or his betas.
Nature requires balance…
Derek hands gripped his hair tight and pulled, hoping that he would wake up from this sick nightmare his mind conjured for him; he kept pulling not wanting to acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t waking up. And if he wasn’t waking up it meant that Stiles was actually gon- “NO!”
His hands slipped from his hair and he balled his fists on the ground beneath him, trying to control his breathing. Derek had to have control, if not for him, but for his pack; they couldn’t see their Alpha shatter into pieces, but for once in this life Derek didn’t care about keeping up his tough guy façade. As he let his mask slip, his pain became more visible and his breathing became more erratic.
He felt the presence of his pack getting closer; breath escaped his lungs and he was left gasping for air; he didn’t know what was happening, but all he knew is that he felt like he was suffocating. So he ran. From his knelt position on the floor, he bolted up and ran faster than he ever has before. Blurred voices filled the silence, but he didn’t stop. His skin felt too small for his body, aching for the release it needed. Derek was now deep within the woods, with no doubt that at least one of his Betas would soon follow. So being the natural predator he is, he covered all signs of his tracks to evade being found.
After his legs couldn’t take the pressure anymore, he fell against a large old Willow tree and sank to the floor bringing his knees up to his chest. In this moment Derek has never felt more alone in his life. Sure he knew from past loses that over time he would learn to live with Stiles’ not being there anymore, that he could live with the pain, but right now Derek lost himself in his tears and consumed himself in the pain and grief he felt.
He shifted uncontrollably and looked down at his claws; he was reminded of the monster he is.
It’s your fault Stile’s is dead! The monster who tries so hard to be like everyone else always ends up doing a monstrous act. It’s in my nature and I fooled myself to think that I was anything but a pathetic wolf! If I never had come back – if I just stayed away…everyone would be safe, Erica wouldn’t be a spirit and Stiles wouldn’t be fucking dead! It’s all my fault! I should have just stayed DEAD!
Derek looked at his arms in time to see he fresh cuts knit back together; he smudged the blood down his arm in attempt to make his canvas clear again. Pathetic! Monster! Dead!
This time, when he took his claws to his wrist he pressed down harder; he watched as the blood pocketed itself underneath his claws and smiled as it gushed from his wounds. Just under a minute and it was like nothing had ever happened; with no scars to hold meaning, only his blood to tell a story that Derek didn’t want to remember. He rested his head against the tree trunk and looked up at the sky. His vision was filled with the first time he let Stiles truly see him; the night they spent looking up at the stars which held great significance in his life.
‘Stiles breath took a sharp intake when he felt Derek’s hand enclose around his. He looked down and saw black going up Derek’s veins. He tried to move his hand away, but Derek shuck his head and it was left at that.’ Something about being with Stiles in that moment made him want to protect him and be with him in whatever way he would; when Derek looked into Stiles’ eyes he knew that he was transfixed with the boy and would do whatever it took to be there for him.
Derek blinked away the tears which were lost in rain starting to fall; he failed to do right by Stiles and in the end he got him killed…