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Advice for Those of You Just Starting Your Heroic Journey

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If you feel a strange, inexplicable connection with a man you just met, don't kiss him. He might be your brother. This is a possibility even if you think your entire family is dead. If you do kiss him be aware there’s not enough soap in the whole galaxy to wash the taste out of your mouth.

Watch out for the man who makes you crazy. That’s the one you’re actually in love with (not in a brotherly sort of way). Your life will never feel complete without him, but you might not actually be able to live with him either. It’s a delicate balancing act. If you really love him, let him go once in awhile. He’ll come back anyway - whether you want him to or not. Fair warning, if you ever kissed a man who turned out to be your brother just to teach him a lesson, he’ll never let you live it down. He’ll probably bring it up on your deathbed.

Of course, to do that, he’ll have to outlive you.

Here’s an important piece of advice for living a long and satisfying life: at all costs, avoid confronting people near very large pits. If a ship or battle station was constructed by the forces of evil, you will encounter these pits with startling regularity. You will find that the vessels of the Republic do not contain such pits. It’s probably because we’re not prone to dramatic confrontations, and we generally try to minimize safety hazards to our employees.

But I digress. The important thing is, don’t confront anyone near a pit -- especially not if it’s an epic showdown with a person whom you once loved. Or worse, with a person whom you still love, against all reason. Regardless, it’s better to confront them from a distance. Use the stun setting on your blaster, preferably from very far away. If you have no blaster, or if your blaster only shoots to kill, consider throwing a blunt object. Rocks work. Or you can try a disarmed thermal detonator. That’s quite heavy. You could even throw a shoe. Bind the unconscious form of your not-quite-enemy thoroughly, and drag him or her to the destination of your choice.

If you’re the captain of the Millennium Falcon, surely you can think of something better than a confrontation over a gaping abyss.

If you can’t think of anything, try harder. People really appreciate it when you come home -- even if they once told you to leave in no uncertain terms.

And what else? If you stumble across the last living Jedi master in the galaxy, stick around to complete your training. Don’t go off on some harebrained scheme to rescue your friends from the forces of evil. It’s possible they have things under control. It’s possible that you will lose an appendage while battling evil, and you will require rescue yourself.

If you do lose an appendage, it’s not the end of the world. Biomechanical replacements are available. Don’t lose too many appendages though. It would hurt, and more importantly, you could wind up more machine than man (or woman, as the case may be). Once you do that, it’s easy to become the sort of evil that will haunt your family for generations to come.

I’m sorry, am I talking about my family now?

This was supposed to be about you.

Well, maybe my family is your family too. Surprised? Yes, so am I. But then, Luke got pretty good at keeping secrets there at the end. We’ll ask R2. Maybe information about Luke's secret children is hidden in his databanks too. Sometimes my brother shared things with his droid that he didn’t see fit to share with other living, breathing human beings who cared very much about his safety and happiness. Please excuse me for digressing. I’m just a little angry.

The point is, I know what it feels like when family you didn’t know you had drops into your life. Let’s all be thankful I’m far too old to want to kiss you.

While we’re on the subject of family -- if you do have the sort of ancestor who ended up on the wrong side of the eternal struggle between good and evil, he’s not a role model, okay? For god’s sake, put that creepy helmet back where you found it. Don’t forge a new one of your own. And if a strange man talks you about the Dark Side of the Force, call home. We’ll help you sort things out, even if life got really twisted along the way. A dramatic showdown on the edge of a bottomless pit is not required.

Or maybe you should ignore all of this. Kiss who you want. Climb into pits and back out of them again. Make your own mistakes. You are your own person, not an almost-old lady’s chance to correct her past mistakes. But if you need a home, you can have one here. Call anytime you need to.

There’s really only one thing I need to say: may the force be with you.

And really, stay away from the bottomless pits.