"Tony?" Steve answered, cradling the cell phone against his ear and rubbing his eyes as he looked at the clock at his bedside. 4:02am? "What on earth-?"
"Baby, you know I love you, right?"
"So, so much."
"What did you do, Tony?" Steve sighed, sitting up, resigning himself to the fact that he was apparently going to have to wake up for this. Tony had left for California to do some west coast StarkIndustries product launch yesterday morning, "And shouldn't you be asleep right now? It's 1 in the morning over there, and you have the launch tomorrow. Or, later today, I guess."
"Yeah…that's not going to happen."
"Tony, did you get thrown in jail again?"
"No, no-well, I mean, I did, but that's not why I'm calling."
"They let you use your cell phone from jail now?"
"No, I'm not in jail anymore, we broke out a couple hours ago-"
"You broke out? And who's 'we'?"
"See, that's the part I want to talk to you about. What constitutes as 'cheating', exactly? Cause there were some pretty extenuating circumstances involved-"
"Tony," Steve interrupted abruptly, rubbing his forehead aggressively.
"What did you do?"
"Well…I was bored being so far away from you all, and I wanted to help you guys find Loki so I-"
"It's not as bad as it sounds-"
"Evil Asgardian Loki?"
"Okay, it's as bad as it sounds. Kind of worse, actually-"
"Not helping, Tony."
"I gotta say, he's kind of a riot though. I mean, his mind's still like a bag of mentally challenged, vaguely incestuous cats, but no one can say he's not one hilarious motherfucker."
"Well, that was rather rude," a voice that was very distinctly Loki Laufeyson huffed in the background, and Steve blinked widely.
"Wait, you're serious right now? You actually cheated on me with Loki?"
Steve could absolutely not wrap his head around that. He and Tony had been dating for almost a year, and this sort of stuff seemed to come with the "dating Tony Stark" territory. Between Tony's antics and the rather creatively destructive supervillains they had to go up against at least once a week, Steve had honestly believed that at this point in his life there weren't a whole lot of things that could still throw him for a loop.
But the idea that Tony, ridiculously head-over-heels-in-love-with-him Tony, would cheat on him at all much less with Loki, was just downright bizarre.
"Sort of? I'm really not sure, to be honest, cause I mean, I didn't actually kiss the guy or anything-cause, hello, ew, gross-but we kind of-"
"Must you continue to insult me so? I rather thought we had an interesting night."
"Shut it, Freezer Pop."
"Is that any way to speak to your loving husband?"
"Please stop calling yourself that, I have enough nightmares for one lifetime."
"What?" Steve shouted, his voice perhaps a little too loud for 4am in the morning, but he could hardly contain himself.
"Okay, so, the things is," Tony took a deep breath, then plowed forward, speaking at the speed of light, "I got bored sitting around the hotel room so I worked on tracking Loki's magic signatures and I got a hit in Vegas, which was pretty close, so I was like why not, right? So I hopped on a plane and went to find him, and I did, but I got sort of kind of a lot drunk at some point, and I'm like 94% sure someone spiked me, and I'm 87% it was Loki-don't give me that look, you bastard, you totally would-and now I can't remember fucking anything from last night, but I lost my wallet, keys, and rental car at some point and now I'm buck ass nude except for Captain America tighty-whiteys and Loki's just got a backwards bra, boxers, cowboy boots, and that stupid horned helmet thing-don't even try and protest, Frosty, that thing is fucking ridiculous-and I'm 73% we kidnapped someone because there's an unconscious guy in the backseat of the cop car that I'm 98% sure we stole because Loki has the keys and I don't remember ever becoming a cop. Oh, also, we might have gotten married at some point last night."
There was a very long silence.
"Yes, my darling who I love so very much?"
"You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times I have a very deep urge to strangle you."
"Kinky. We'll play with that later. First, can you send me some money though?"
"Yes, oh love of my life?"
"I was drunk, drugged, and carrying an engagement ring in Vegas; in retrospect, it was really sort of inevitable."
"Nope. What? Nothing, I said nothing."
"You were carrying an engagement ring. Just…in your pocket."
"What? Who said that? I didn't."
"And you gave it to Loki?"
"He gave it back! Well, okay, there might have been some wrestling involved-on an unrelated note, I'm going to need a doctor, I'm pretty sure my nose is broken-but the point is that I got it back."
"…this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, isn't it?"
"I was sure hoping so."
Steve sighed, but it was more fond than anything else.
"Can you contain Loki until we get there?"
"Yeah, totally. I mean, I'm currently handcuffed to the car, but-"
"Tony," Steve rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"No, I mean, I can get myself out of it, I think-Loki, Jesus, man, don't key the fucking-aw, hell."
Steve waited silently for Tony to explain.
"Loki keyed 'Livin la vida Loki' into the cop car."
"Of course he did."
"On the upside, they'll know it was Loki and maybe I won't go down for this."
"What about the breaking out of jail part?"
"I think that was for starting the fire."
"Oh God," Steve dropped back in bed with a groan.
"Relax, I'm like…89% sure no one died!"
"That is nowhere near an acceptable percentage."
"It was Reindeer Games' fault! He bet thateven I wasn't smart enough to make fire from baby wipes, a stapler, and a rubber band ball, but I knew I could. Probably shouldn't have done it in the middle of the casino…but the important part here is that I was right."
"And I'm oh so proud of you. Does the cop car come into play before or after jail?"
"Uh…after, I think. Not sure. The roofies started kicking in about then…I remember something about Loki turning into a woman, and I think there was sex involved-"
"Not with me," Tony hastily added, "A guard or something. Loki-Lokia? Lokietta?"
"My name remains Loki whatever my form," Loki interrupted, probably rolling his eyes, "Imbecile."
"Aw, no need to be so cold, polar bear," Tony snickered, "Anyway, Lokietta over here seduced the guard, and I remember something about sneaking out, getting in a car…then a couple hours later, I'm waking up handcuffed to a cop car in the middle of the fucking desert wearing Captain America tighty-whiteys I don't recall buying, so I called you."
"How thoughtful of you."
"Can't Loki get you out of the handcuffs?"
"No, he says he's out of pixie dust."
"Stark," Loki huffed, "If you call me a fairy again I shall divorce you and take half your riches as recompense."
"First off, I didn't call you a fairy, I implied it by calling your magic green sparkles pixie dust. Second, you wouldn't know what to do with ten dollars, much less ten billion. And for fuck's sake, would you stop threatening me with divorce?"
"If you would prefer to remain partners you should return the ring to me-"
"I do not want to stay married, I want a quicky divorce and to never speak of this again ever now for the love of god get your hand out of my pants!"
"Calm down, I'm just trying to get my ring-"
"That is not your ring, that is Steve's ring and if you touch it again I swear I will bite your fingers off!"
"You only want it cause it's shiny, you weirdo."
"As fun as this is to listen to," Steve interrupted them, "I still need a location if you ever want to be picked up. Also, Loki, please keep your hands out of my boyfriend's pants."
"Pockets!" Tony corrected quickly, "My pockets, his hands were in my pockets, he was just trying to get at the ring cause he likes how shiny it is-"
"Naturally. Now focus, Tony, your location?"
"…middle of fucking nowhere? I don't know, have JARVIS do it."
"JARVIS, can you find out where Tony is from this phone call?" Steve asked.
"Already done, Captain. Shall I send the coordinates to your phone?" JARVIS replied.
"Please and thank you."
"Such a good boy scout," Tony chuckled, and Steve glared into the phone.
"You and I are going to have a very long talk, Mr. Stark."
"God, I love you. I know you're pissed and you totally should be, but I'm just gonna throw out the fact that I'm freezing, exhausted, hungover and everything hurts right now, but I love you so fucking much and I'm going to be dropping to one knee pretty much the minute I see you and I know that's not all that romantic but after a night like this I really can't see my life without you in it."
"I love you too, Tony," Steve couldn't help but smile warmly into the phone. Then, with a seductive smirk Tony couldn't see but Steve knew he could hear in his voice, "Though as far as knees go, it would probably be in your best interest if you started on both."
"I am so turned on right now."
"See you in a few hours, Tony."