Title: Elves, Gremlins and Eskimoes
Author: Beer Good
Timeline: Angel season 5
Disclaimer: Angel characters are owned by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Simpsons characters are owned by Matt Groening and FOX TV.
Summary: Angel has become a liability to W&H, and so they decide to get rid of Angel and bring in some outside contractors to help get the company back in the red again. Now the crew of Angel Investigations will have to turn to someone who knows how to fight this new evil... Someone in a small town by the name of Springfield.
Elves, Gremlins And Eskimoes
Part 1: Fired
Somewhere, in another dimension...
"This is ba-a-a-ad!" The Wolf and the Hart snickered; the Ram tended to fall back into goatspeak when it was upset about something. The Ram responding by raining fire and destruction upon them for an eternity or two (roughly 10 seconds of Earth time – you know what time is like in hell dimensions). "Stop la-a-a-aughing!"
Of course, these being super-evil extra-dimensional lawyers, the fire and destruction didn't really hurt them in any way, and so the Wolf and the Hart swallowed their mirth and nodded. "You're right." "Yeah." "We need to do something about him."
All three of them knew the situation; they had given the position to the vampire in the hopes that power would corrupt him, turn a thorn in their side into an unknowing or at least unwilling minion. Let him think he's doing good, while at the same time actually have him work on the very apocalypse he thinks he's preventing. An Evil Scheme of no small merit.
There was just one problem: it wasn't working. He was actually making a difference, even if he might not see it himself. It wasn't so much the few demons they let him kill, but the alarming lack of lack of moral that was suddenly gripping the entire branch. If this were allowed to spread, there was a real danger that their formerly evil employees might actually start to think that they had... free will, or something. Steps needed to be taken.
And so they voted. All in favour of replacing the vampire? Aye. But with whom? They needed fresh blood. They needed someone with many years of experience. Someone evil, obviously. They got out the Rolodex of Evil and started looking; when they hit entry #591, they all smiled and nodded. Oh yes. He'll do nicely.
Somewhere else... in sunny LA, to be precise.
It was a normal day at the LA branch of Wolfram & Hart. Lawyers and demons milled about, contracts were signed, souls were traded like baseball cards, and the coffee machine was always set to "extra black". But up on the executive floor, things had changed.
The first thing Angel noticed was that Harmony wasn't at her desk. Instead, her place was occupied by a well-dressed but somewhat effeminate man in his mid-30s, who tried to intercept Angel as he made his way towards his office. "Uh, Sir? You can't go in there, Sir..."
Angel ignored him, pushed open the doors to the CEO's office and frowned. "OK, who are you and what are you doing in my office?"
The ancient, bald, scrawny man who sat behind what Angel still thought of as his desk looked up, incredibly annoyed at the interruption, and made no attempt to hide the sing-song of sarcasm in his voice. "Oh, so it's 'yoooour' office, is it?" He slammed his fist on the desk. "I'm the new CEO of Wolfram & Hart, who the devil are you?"
"My name is Angel, and I'm the -"
"Angel, eh? Ah, yes, the senior partners mentioned you. Said you weren't quite... evil enough for the job. You're fired."
"What? They can't fire me! I'm the vampire with a soul! I'm supposed to play an important part in the apocalypse! They can't simply..."
"Little to the left."
"Oh. OK." Angel took a stop to the left. "As I was saying, this must be a mistake. The senior partners caAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
The trapdoor in the floor where Angel had stood a moment ago closed, and Montgomery Burns leaned back with a vicious smile on his face and put his fingers together. "Eeeexcellent."