Actions

Work Header

Shades

Work Text:


 

“Greetings, Shit Lord. Sorry, Sith Lord.” Wade twirled his lightsaber and grinned. “You must have a hell of an identity crisis, because your mask looks like an upside-down urinal painted black.”

“Do. Not. Insult. The. Mask,” Kylo Ren said, peppering his sentence with as many full-stops as Wade’s body was peppered with laser-burns from a thousand battles. “It is Darth Vader’s heritage.”

“Oooh, touchy.” Wade smirked at the mask and its pathetic attempt at intimidation. “Is it because you didn’t get touched enough as a child? Good-touched, I mean? No hugs? No kisses goodnight? Is that why you have Daddy issues?”

Kylo lunged.

Wade danced away, laughing.

“You’re not even a real Jedi,” Kylo gritted out, panting.

“Nope,” Wade said, cheerfully. “Got kicked out of the Order as a Padawan, ages ago, before I became immortal. Apparently, I was a disturbance in the Force. I’d rather be a dick in the ass. Any ass.” Wade squinted at his opponent’s disappointingly loose cloak. “Yours would do. Probably.” He shrugged. “Then again, practically anyone’s would do. With a face like mine, I can’t be picky.”

Kylo stared. “A disturbance in the Force... That means you belong to the Dark Side. Like me.”

“Nothing like you, kid. The Dark comes in countless shades, too. Like I come in countless mouths.”

“Stop spewing vulgarities and fight!

Wade smiled, feeling the angry, beautiful buzz of his ’saber vibrate up his arm and into his very soul, where the Force waited, a scarlet-and-black serpent, hissing and ready to strike.

The phallic symbolism of the metaphor pleased him. As did the fact that this puling, sentimental infant of a warrior hadn’t attempted to recruit him for the Sith. Like they all invariably did.

Wade would never join the Sith. They were way too serious with their melodramatic posturing and plotting and mass-murdering. Also, they hardly ever got laid. Wade—or Deadpool, as he was known to the galaxy—much preferred aimless, lackadaisical killing. Alternating with very personal, very intimate, one-on-one killing. And flirting with every species there was. Massacres and chastity were so yesterday.

“Well?” Kylo scowled, squaring his shoulders.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Wade said, and struck.

 


fin.