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Drunk Historians Through the Centuries

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It all started because the Athenians thought they were hot shit. The Athenians were like ‘oh, we’re the richest, we’re in charge of the fucking Delian League, we won the Persian Wars and people thought the Persians were so fucking unbeatable and we fucking won, and now we have an empire, and we’re Athens and everyone wants to come to Athens and we fucking own everybody, so pay us tribute motherfuckers.’ That’s how it started. Because the Athenians had their heads up their asses.

No, don’t look at me like that. I’m from Athens, okay? I’m allowed to say it.

Fucking Athens.

So then Sparta, right? You know those Spartans, they’re fucking psychopaths. And so Athens is all ‘I’m the hottest shit around’ and Spartans are like ‘Are you fucking kidding me? We make our fucking five-year-olds fight fucking wolves and shit. We’re the badasses. Fucking Athens with your fucking democracy and art and philosophy and shit, who fucking cares, we’re fucking Sparta, you know?”

No, it’s not – it’s like – like everyone likes to talk shit about how Sparta is so fucking great now, that’s not what I’m saying, they were both motherfuckers, but like Athens was worse. But you know those fucking Spartans only train so hard because they’re fucking terrified of the helots. They just fucking kill defenseless slave farmers all fucking day, that’s their fucking training. The fuck, right?

But whatever, this Peloponnesian shit was on Athens. Like first it went okay, but then Athens started losing and shit. And war – maybe you didn’t know – is fucking expensive. So they’re losing and they’re using up their money, and even Athenians aren’t fucking happy. And Athens, they were just acting like dicks the whole time, like hey, a tiny number of rich dudes in your city wanted to side with Sparta, fine, we’ll kill your whole fucking city. Like that shit, all the time.

Bunch of dicks.

What? No man, I know what I’m talking about, I used to be a fucking Athenian general.

Yeah, I was fired, so what? That’s why I’m so fucking objective!



Anonymous female bard singer (early Tang dynasty, China)

Okay, here’s the deal. Mulan is sitting at home, being a girl, and suddenly it’s like WAR. And everyone’s OH SHIT. And Mulan’s like ‘I got this.’ And she swaggers out in her father’s armor, and just like kicks everyone in the balls. Not literally. But she’s so good, she kicks ass so much, everyone’s just like on the floor like ‘oh shit that guy just kicked our ass.’ But it wasn’t a guy it was fucking Mulan, hell yeah. She was like ‘hey I have these tits and I am beating you fuckers down!!!’ Like wuuuh, wuhhh (mimes hitting people with breasts). Like not with her boobs, though, like I’m doing, with her sword.

And get this, she met this other badass lady called Xianniang and they like were like ‘Hey you like destroying your fucking enemies too?! We have like SO much in common!’ And they kicked ass together for a long time. They fucking rocked that shit.

And then Mulan was so great that everyone wanted to say ‘hey let’s reward you for your, your like, amazing service. Because you’re so AMAZING Mulan!!’ But Mulan was like ‘no that’s okay, I’m fucking tired of this shit, I’m fucking just going home now.’

So she did. But the nation will never forget how she like, won. At winning.



Anonymous male bard singer (early Middle Ages, England)

So King Arthur sits with all his knights at the table. And he looks around and is like ‘Hey, one of you assholes is fucking my wife!’

And the knights just look at each other like ‘Oh shit, shit’s about to go down, who’s fucking the king’s wife, right?’

And Lancelot stands up and is like ‘Sorry, man, I uh… I fucked your wife. And she liked it. But sorry. Your, you know, majesty.’

And Arthur is like, ‘Okay you’re like one of my favorite knights, Lancelot, but I kind of feel like that’s not okay to fuck my wife. Like it’s treason and shit cuz I’m the king. Plus, we’re friends so that’s really not cool. I kind of want to fight you right now.’

‘Okay, if you want to fight, I’ll fight, because I have honor and shit, but like. I’m your knight. I’m the guy you send when you want to kill people and shit’s too fucking real to go kill the people yourself. Just saying. Cuz you’re my friend and you’re a really fucking good king, but I’m a fucking knight, you know?’

And Arthur was like ‘Yeah, that’s right, I’m just some king dude, Lancelot could like kick my ass,’ and Arthur was so mad that he like pulled out his sword and just chopped off pieces of the table, like he was hacking off chunks of wood here and there and here, then there, like on and on. And when he was done, it was like, he chopped off so much shit from the table that like nobody could even find the corners of the table any more. And that, good sirs, is why King Arthur’s table was round.

What do you mean that’s not the story?

Whatever, go fuck a wild boar!


Robert Louis Stevenson

So the Jacobites. Super exciting stuff, yeah. It was James II who was Catholic and they wanted to restore his throne and there were the Stuarts like ‘hey we’re in exile’ and then Scotland was all whoa let’s do something and we like the Stuarts well some of Scotland was I think and there were other supporters as well lots of supporters in lots of places and then they were like hey Parliament you can’t just do whatever you want to do and whoever you want and put them as king, no way, and also there was recusancy and the white rose and the clan system was all AHHH and there were Anglicans and Catholics and Dissenters and Whigs and Tories and divine right and France and smuggling and Hanoverians and bishops and Spain and the Fifteen and the Excise Scheme and the Forty-Five and – what? No, I’m not drunk, I took a lot of cocaine instead, I didn’t realize I was supposed to just be drunk, sorry.