"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Good Lord, Spike! Angel hasn't put a bloody bell around your neck yet? Stop sneaking up on people!" Giles took a breath. "And you wouldn't do what if you were me?"
Spike settled comfortably in the chair across from Angel's desk, his hands in his coat pockets, the long flaps of that coat resting across his sprawled out legs.
"What? This banana?"
"Spike, I really don't have time to play games, I'm hungry, I have to help Fred and Wesley with the last bit of the Kemporla translations, and then I have to catch my flight back to Sunnydale. And I'm hungry! So, unless you have a damn magnificent reason for why I shouldn't have this banana, 'go away'."
Spike smirked. "Naw, I think I'll stay right here. Free country and all. Besides, this is going to be good."
Giles heaved a sigh then dropped into the chair behind Angel's desk. "I've clearly underestimated Angel's fortitude; how he survived 150 years of your irritating presence is beyond me!"
"Peaches has always had more than his share of staying power; he's pretty resourceful too." The smile never left Spike's face as his eyes followed Giles' hands as the watcher moved the banana closer to him.
Giles stopped moving his hands and eyed the banana. "Please tell me these aren't enhanced bananas or something. Fred hasn't been modifying their molecular makeup has she? Or, bloody hell, tell me Wesley hasn't been using magic on the fruit?!"
Spike laughed. "Neither science nor magic has been anywhere near the fruit - as far as I know."
"Well then," Giles toyed with the top of the fruit and broke the stem away from the body of the banana. "I don't care about whatever your issue with fruit is, let me enjoy my," he glanced at his watch and groaned, "lunch."
"All right Mate, but don't say I didn't try to warn you."
Giles paused mid peel and locked eyes with Spike, trying to suss out the game he was sure the vampire was playing. Nothing. His eyes were guileless. Amused, but guileless. "Honestly Spike, I have neither the time, nor the inclination to humor you. If you have something to say, just say it!"
"I'll give you a hint."
"We're in the Poof's office. He was here, oh," Spike inhaled, "about 2 hours ago. And he wasn't alone."
"Put some work into the puzzle yourself mate. I can't do it all for you. Well, I could, but what fun would that be?"
"For fucks sake, Spike!"
It was Spike's turn to sigh. "Okay… one more hint. The person he was here with was: the Princess."
Giles raised a brow in confusion.
"Cordelia! Cordelia Chase! Is your age finally hittin' your brain?"
"Ah, yes. 'the Princess', I should have guessed." Giles rolled his eyes. "So Angel and Cordelia were in Angel's office together. Fine!" Giles stripped the skin of the banana a little lower; the hanging ribbons of peel flowering over his hand, while the meat of the fruit pointed north like a pistil. "What does their presence together in this office have to do with my banana?"
Spike pulled his hands out of his pockets and relaxed against the curve of the chair. Steepling his hands together, he pursed his lips into a smile and just watched as Giles put the pieces together. Slowly.
Giles didn't like Spike's smile. Not in the least. But he was hungry and the vampire wasn't making any sense. Bloody pillock is probably just fucking with me. Giles lifted the banana to his mouth then paused. Unless.
Giles looked down at the banana curving through is fist.
Then he looked up at Spike, whose grin was now a mile wide.
"You're not suggesting…?" Giles breathed in the fragrance of the banana as his eyes darted between Spike and the fruit. "Angel? And Cordelia? And… and… my banana?!"
Spike's silence was confirmation enough.
"UGGGHHHAAAAAHHHHHH!" Giles threw the banana across the room, rubbing his hands against his suit coat and pants in an attempt to decontaminate them. "You...! I almost…! Are you sure?! You bloody dolt, How could you let me…?!"
Spike was curled up in the chair, laughter roaring out of him as he watched Giles' antics. "I bleedin' stopped you," he snorted with laughter. "I could have let you eat their little 'toy'."
Giles stood up and backed away from Angel's desk. "Yes… right…" the sarcasm poured out of Giles' voice, "thanks ever so!" He looked at Spike steadily. "I suspected there might be something between Cordelia and Angel, but I hadn't thought that it had reached quite that point." Pulling off his glasses, Giles continued. "I wouldn't have thought that Cordelia would, well… erm…, I mean, she didn't… doesn't, strike me as the type who'd, well… enjoy having that done to… well, yes. Right. Right. Very good."
Giles headed toward the door, "Excuse me as I go and wash my hands – in gasoline."
Spike chuckled silently before catching Giles just as he reached door. "Oi, Rupert, mate; by the way, I never said that Cordelia was the one the toy was used on."
written as response to the LJ Nekkid Spike, Number Challenge. Prompts: Giles, banana, Angel's office.