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Planetary Rumble

Chapter Text

"Yo, Rings," said Jupiter, giving an extra snap to ziers magnetosphere.

"Yeah, King. What do you need?" asked Saturn, with an answering crackle to ziers magnetosphere.

"I do not like them Super Earth planets." Jupiter's angry rotation kicked up wide stripes of storms across ziers atmosphere. "I do not like them at all." Zie pulled a passing comet with ziers gravity and crushed it against ziers middle.

"Nothing much to like. They're a bunch of pole-holes." Saturn combed ziers rings. "Hey, King. Don't boggart the comets." King tossed Saturn a comet rich in ethyl alcohol.

In the distance, Jupiter and Saturn could hear the Super Earths calling them out.

The largest of the Super Earths, Crackling Norðri, yelled, "You're just a bunch of gassy windbags."

Carbon Suðri yelled, "You don't have the mass to face us. That's right - keep on orbiting out there."

The other Super Earths laughed.

"Fuckers," said Jupiter. "Them Super Earths are in there so close, practically in Sol's poles, acting like their mass is something. Acting like they can keep all the good looking satellites in the inner Solar System. Acting like they run this system." Jupiter spun faster. A noticeable bulge of atmospheric fury formed around Jupiter's equator. "And what the hell is an Earth anyway? What makes them super?"

"Nothing makes them super, that's what. But what about it?" Saturn combed ziers rings again.

Jupiter rotated around the sun and brooded.

Saturn fucked around with ziers moon, Iapetus. Mostly kept Iapetus good and tidally locked. A little gravitational action. A few magnetic pulses until the little ice ball sublimated water.

After not that long; a few million years give or take, Jupiter said, "Rings, I propose we roll into that inner Solar System and show them Super Earths what's what. I propose that the King goes in like a wrecking ball."

"I thought the Sol was the king of this system. That's why we call it…ahhhh!" said Mst3k, one of Jupiter's former moons, before zie was cut off as Jupiter slapped that ball of ice straight into Saturn.

"Hey!" Saturn spun ziers rings. "What the fuck? You almost hit Iapetus."

"Nah, missing that rock by a mile," said Jupiter.

"But Jupie, Kingie, we got a problem with this plan," pipped up Callisto, one of Jupiter's moons, in a high squeak of a magnetic wave.

"Yeah, Callisto, do you think the Sun runs this system too?" asked Jupiter with a dangerous spin.

"No, way, Jupie! I'm tidally locked with you all the way, baby. You’re the best biggest Kingie a rock could hope to orbit," said Callisto. "Good looking, but not all stuck up with ziers looks like some I could mention."

"Get to the point, Dimples," said Saturn, who did not stop combing ziers rings.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting there, don't rush me. Don't let him rush me, Jupie." Callisto's rotation wobbled.

"No one's rushing you, Dimples," said Jupiter, giving Callisto a little kiss with ziers magnetosphere.

Callisto adjusted ziers orbit. "Well, it's just that we've got the Ice Giant gang at our backs. We move into the inner solar system to deal with those pole-hole Super-Earths, then…"

"The Ice Giants will move in on our turf," gasped Iapetus. They all looked out at where the Ice Giants coldly orbited. "Rings, I can't be around an Ice Giant, I can't. They'll crack me like a walnut. I told you what I had to go through getting here from the Oort Cloud."

"Don't get your spin out of rotation. You're not going to have to deal with those fuckers," reassured Saturn. "You're my moon."

"Fine. We deal with the Ice Giants, and then we move on the Super Earths." Seemed reasonable enough to Jupiter.

"But King, there are three of them Ice Giants and only two of us," objected Saturn, who then very quickly said, "Not that one of you ain't worth three of them. You're the King of the system. All the way."

"Damn straight I'm the King." Jupiter rotated around the sun.

Callisto rotated around Jupiter.

Saturn rotated around the sun, but slower than Jupiter.

Iapetus shifted rotation to be get a better look at Saturn's rings.

Callisto said, "I got it Jupie, I know what you should do."

Callisto explained ziers plan to Jupiter and Saturn. Jupiter whistled, "Damn, Dimples. That's cold."

"They're Ice Giants," sniffed Callisto. "Fuck them."

"Damn straight. Let's rumble, Rings," said Jupiter. Jupiter reached out with ziers gravitational pull and grabbed hold of the edge of Saturn's gravity. They aligned their rotations. Jupiter swung out over the frost line into Ice Giant territory in one nice rotation.

Hades, the biggest Ice Giant, had just enough time to say, "The fuck?" before being smacked hard by Jupiter's gravity. Hades was as big an Ice Giant as they went, but zie was no match for Jupiter's mass. Hades spun wildly out of orbit and out past the Oort Cloud. One megaannum Hades was there, and in another Hades was gone.

Jupiter wasn't done. From ziers current rotation, it was easy for Jupiter and Saturn to scoop up asteroids and lob them at Uranus. Bam, bam, bam. Rock after rock smashed into Uranus, which tilted off ziers axis and emitted gasses from ziers southern pole.

Neptune scrambled to move ziers orbit out past Uranus and get the fuck away from Jupiter.

"That's right, Iceball! Run!" yelled Jupiter. Zie cracked ziers waves. "Now for the second act. Ready, Rings?"

"Just about, King," said Saturn. "Move me into position would you?"

"Sure thing."

They swung back into their regular orbit.

Those pole-hole Super Earths were laughing about the whole thing to Sol. Seemed like they thought Sol would protect them, but they didn't know Sol like Jupiter did.

Jupiter swung through the asteroid belt, scattering some sweet little rocks into the inner solar system, while still holding onto Saturn with a mean-motion rotation.

"I got you, King," said Saturn. By now they were heavily streaming gases in the gap between them.

"You'd better," said Jupiter. This manoeuvre was dangerous as fuck. Still, they could both afford to lose the mass. They could make it back up eating asteroids later.

Jupiter made like a wrecking ball.

Crackling Norðri went first. Pole-hole was on the closest orbit to Sol. At the first smack of Jupiter's gravity, zie went straight into Sol.

Sol said, "Jupiter! Saturn! Most stars don't have to put up with this sort of behaviour from their planets. Why are you such hooligans? Can't you play nice and fly right?"

Jupiter ignored Sol. Zie was just a big ball of burning gas.

Carbon Suðri and Pockmarked Austri scrambled in their orbits trying to get some rotation to throw some rocks into Jupiter. They hit Streaks Vestri with their gravity and sent that pole-hole straight into Sol.

Jupiter took a hit to ziers southern pole. The hole in ziers atmosphere lit up as ziers surface heated up below.

Carbon Suðri yelled, "We're going to end you. Rock crushes gas balls!"

Callisto said, "Keep going, Jupie, you got them where you want them."

Jupiter put some more tack in ziers mean-rotation with Saturn and smacked Carbon Suðri and Pockmarked Austri right into each other. As they cracked into a kazillion pieces, give or take a nonillion, Jupiter said, "Byebye so called giants." Zie managed it just in time.

The gases between Jupiter and Saturn were dissipating. Jupiter swung them back through the asteroid belt, picking up some sweet looking rocks for moons. Callisto showed them how to orbit a real planet and rode herd on the bunch.

Jupiter rotated around the sun and watched debris fall into Sol.

Saturn rotated and combed ziers rings.

Uranus groaned weakly. Zie was still strongly tilted on ziers axis. Uranus would never be a threat again to their territory.

Neptune yelled, "I'm not afraid of you."

"Don't mess with us," yelled Callisto, "or you’re the next orphan."

"Cold," said Jupiter, "cold, Dimples."

"And that's the way you like me," said Callisto. "Cold. But you know baby, I got a sub-surface ocean only for you."

"Yeah, Dimples, I know," said Jupiter, giving Callisto a quick magnetic kiss.

After a short while, a few million years or so, Saturn said, "Hey, King, look at that. Looks like some new planets are forming. You want to go smash them up?"

"Nah, look at them - they're tiny." Jupiter rotated complacently. "Why, I could put all of them in one my storms and not even notice. Fuck, Mercury is practically smaller than Dimples."

"Okay, King," said Saturn. "Just checking in."

They rotated around Sol.

The Oort Cloud spat out a new batch of comets heading towards Sol. Saturn and Jupiter sucked down a few. Saturn got a little tilted. "King, you want to hit the dirt balls with comets?" asked Saturn.

"Sure, Rings." Jupiter grabbed a passing comet, spun it for a rotation and splatted it straight at the second one out.

Venus hissed, "I hate this solar system."

Saturn missed on ziers first try, but managed to hit the first planet eventually. But Mercury was too small to hold ziers liquid. Comets burned off pretty much as soon as they hit.

They all rotated around the Sun.

After a while, things settled down.

Jupiter and Saturn still pelted the inner solar system with comets, but in a more friendly sort of way.

Although, it turned out that Venus was a mean drunk. They stopped wasting comets on zie.

Saturn hit it off with Mars and was regularly knocking that dirt ball with comets.

Jupiter started pelting Earth regular like. Earth was a good time, not at all like those Super Earths; zie would yell, "You're making me so wet. Don't stop; hit me again." Earth was so hot looking that Jupiter couldn't resist winding up and sending another comet ziers way. Earth just got wetter and wetter. Plus, zie had this little moon and sometimes they'd go for getting bombarded together.

It was a good time.

Then Mars had a life scare, which had Saturn spinning in ziers rings. Jupiter thought it was hilarious.

It was less funny when Earth said, "King, you pole-hole. You knocked me up. I've got life crawling all over me."

"You could already have had the stuff to make life," protested Jupiter. "Fucking parthenogenesis or something."

"King, it was you, I know it was," said Earth. "This is serious. Mars had life, but zie lost it. I can't let that happen to me. You're no good for me, King. I've got to be responsible now. I'm going to be a parent. "

Jupiter rotated and pretended that zie had just been fucking around.

Callisto said, "Baby, you don't need Earth. You've got all of your moons."

Jupiter said, "Yeah, sure."

But a few eons later, Jupiter had a few comets and called Earth up. "Hey, Blue, I miss you. Let me throw you a comet for old times sake." Jupiter had over sixty satellites, but somehow Earth just got to Jupiter. Earth was fucking greenhouse gas hot, but without the acid atmosphere that Venus put out.

"I miss you too, King," said Earth. Earth twinkled blue seas as if zie had never told Jupiter they were quits. "Just one." Earth's clouds were white and fluffy. Earth had liquid wet oceans and little snow caps on ziers poles.

Jupiter sent a comet Earth's way.

Earth groaned when it hit and went white with clouds. "Oh, King! You hit me practically in the equator. Fuck, that's good." Earth chilled in the afterglow and somehow looked hot doing it.

But by the next orbit, Earth wouldn't shut up about how they'd killed the dinosaurs. Jupiter didn't see what the problem was - it wasn't as if Earth wasn't still crawling with life.

Jupiter tried to talk Earth into some more fun, but Earth just kept saying, "Not till you apologize for the dinosaurs."

Jupiter took an asteroid or thousand for Earth, but Earth just couldn't seem to get over it. Jupiter kept a storm spinning right over ziers heart for Earth, and Earth didn't even seem to care.

But then things started to turn around. Earth started to look Jupiter's way. Started to send little messages. Zie said, "Hey, King, our babies want to get to know you better. They've been looking at you for ages now. They'll be sending their science homework your way." Jupiter had been hoping that Earth wanted to start talking again. That Earth might be interested in taking down a few more comets. Zie wanted a hook up, not getting to spend more time with carbon based life.

Saturn said, "I don't know, King. Do we want to let some dirt ball send crap through our territory? Even if you used to hit that dirt ball."

Jupiter said, "Careful, Rings."

Still, Jupiter wasn't sure. Zie said to Callisto, "What do you think?"

"Whatever, Kingie. You're the King of the Solar System. They're so small, what could they do?"

"Yeah, you're right," said Jupiter.

Jupiter said, "Hey, Blue, yeah. Send what you got. They should get a good look. After all, I am the King."

Earth twinkled with bright lights on zies nightside and blushed a little bit warmer with greenhouse gases. "That's right, King. You're the King."