About those kids of his? The real reason he did that; it wasn't about the money or the idea of kids themselves, it was the idea that no one's ever going to take him seriously enough to give him that.
These days, when he rolls over in the middle of the night and puts his arms around the warm body next to him, he thinks maybe he was wrong.
Maybe there is a possibility.
Not that he's got the guts to put those thoughts into words anytime soon – do you know how many arms she's broken in the past year?
He's the original Roomies shipper (not that he knows the terminology) he knew first, maybe even before they did - and definitely before Neela did.
The looks, the little in-jokes. It wasn't just the usual gossip of the roommates hooking up either – no; he knew it was the real thing before they did.
Even got Jane to believe him before Ray figured it out.
Which at least meant he had someone to bitch to about the cluelessness of some people. It also meant there was someone there to shout at him for heartless comments made on certain people's wedding days.
That time he kissed Jane right in the middle of the ER? He so wasn't paying attention to the fact that he wasn't supposed to do that out in the open, or what she would do to him for it... it was spontaneous and it was wonderful.
And he felt like the worst person in the world when he had to laugh it off like it was nothing.
And he felt like the king of the world that night when she got him home – to bed. That comment about handcuffs and strong beds wasn't part of the ruse, you know.
It's not the next person who tells her she looks like that kid from Roseanne that's going to end up with the broken arm, it was the last five... no one even thinks it anymore.
It's not like she's that violent a person, really. First time round, first ten or so times round, it was just a look – then she moved on – to black eyes.
It's just that when you hear the same thing for years on end it really gets to a girl. And, yeah, maybe, just maybe, it's a little fun to see the look on Archie's face.
That time Archie kissed her right in the middle of the ER? She forgot the world for the moment, forgot the threats she'd given him if he even thought about doing that and just lived in the possibility. That's why she had that weird look on her face for a few seconds. Nothing else.
And if she gave him the night of his life – so far – when they got home, it was just 'cause she was in a good mood. Nothing to do with being able to be herself - in front of people - for all of five seconds.
Crenshaw and Hope? Beards. Totally. See that way no one even thinks of her and Archie as a possibility. And if she gets to have some fun freaking out the locals along the way? Well, that's no skin of her nose.
It gives all four of them a dirty secret – more so than the ones they all already have. It adds a bit of kink to all their lives – more than what is already there. And no one at County is any the wiser. And that's no skin of her nose. If that's really the way things have to be.