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You Should've When You Could'Ve

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“May we meet again”

This is all Clarke could say to Bellamy before leaving Camp Jaha. For good? For a couple of months? Clarke didn't know. The weight of what she did was too heavy. She couldn't look Murphy in his eyes, she couldn't watch her people without thinking to all of those innocents that she condamned to death. She started to walking towards the forest near to the camp with only one purpose: finding the woman whose hands are soaked in blood like hers.

“I need to find Lexa.”

After an hour of walking, Clarke finally heard the noise coming from Lexa's camp. She was getting closer. She stopped to think for a second. She can't burst into the camp screaming Lexa's name like a crazy girl or she would never have the chance to be brought to her tent. She has to appear calm and relaxed. Like a true leader, like Lexa tought her.

"Here we go..."

Suddenly the camp became silent. Every warrior was looking at Clarke. 

"Surprised to see me?" Clarke said to one of them. One of those who left the Sky People dying in the bloody mountain. The man didn't say a word. He simply looked at her like Clarke was a ghost. And maybe she was...

Clarke reached Lexa's tent. She saw Indra standing out of it.

"Hi Indra"

"Clarke of the Sky People!" Indra said with a snigger on her face.  "We didn't expect to see you. Not so soon at least. Can I do something for you?" Her hand was holding a sharped spear.

"I'm here to talk to your commander, Indra. Where is she? Is she hiding in her tent like a coward?"

Indra pointed her spear to Clarke, but Clarke didn't pull back.

"Choose your next words wisely Clarke, or your people will be forced to choose another leader"

Clarke felt the anger growing inside of her. She can't snap now. Lexa is her target, not Indra.

"Let her pass, Indra. I can handle a her."

Clarke's heart skipped a beat when she heard the voice of lexa coming from the tent. After a couple of second, Lexa came out from the tent. She was wearing her armor and her war painting.

"Commander, I don't think it's wise."

"I think I know what's wise and what is not Indra. She is harmless, right Clarke?"

"I am...commander. I'm here just to talk. Can we come in?"

"Of course." Clarke entered in the tent without watching Lexa.

The dialogue between them was unreal. Clarke was on vengeful mode and Lexa knew it, but she invited her to go inside her tent anyway. Before entering and reaching Clarke, Lexa came near to Indra. "I don't care what you will hear, Indra. No one will enter until I say otherwise. No one will enter until I'll come out no matter what. Is that clear?"

Indra nodded.

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When Lexa entered in her tent, Clarke wasn't facing her. Lexa felt that something bad was going to happened but she approached to Clarke anyway by touching her right shoulder.

"Clarke, I..."

Lexa didn't have the time to finish the sentence because she felt a terrible pain on her right cheek. Clarke had hit her with an iron pitcher that she found on a table.

"You fuckin' bitch!" Clarke yelled at Lexa who was on her knee pressing a hand on her cheek which was bleeding.

"Please Clarke..." Lexa tried to get up but Clarke was faster and punched Lexa in her face and the brunette was now lying on the floor.
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, LEXA!" Lexa could have reacted. She was forged by war, she knew how to fight, but she knew also that Clarke had to give vent to her rage so she suffered it.

Clarke was already crying when she jumped on Lexa's lap with the intention to continue punching the Commander. She started to crying for all of those innocents, for her people, for the trust she placed on Lexa and for herself. 

There were too many tears for Clarke to see. She was hitting Lexa's chest while hardly sobbing. She was weary. Lexa was watching the blonde standing over her and she couldn't do nothing but feeling sorry for her. Lexa felt Clarke's tears falling on her neck.

"Why Lexa? Why?" Clarke sobbed. The brunette didn't respond. She was so absorbed by Clarke's pain that she didn't feel the pain on her face anymore.

"I...I thought that...we had a deal Lexa! I trusted you, I thought that I meant something for you!" 

"Let me explain Clarke..."

"I'm not gonna hear anything from you!"

The blonde knew that the commander was a skilled warrior but she was impressed by her strength when Lexa get her away from her lap using her legs. Clarke rolled away hitting a table near the commander's throne.

"Have you done?" Lexa asked. Clarke was once again on her feet, staring at Lexa and the blood on her cheek. Despite the pain and Clarke, Lexa was surprisingly calm. But when Clarke tried to hit her one more time, Lexa decided that it was enough. With a fast movement she grabbed Clarke's arms and hold them down on her back. Their faces were dangerously closed. Lexa felt the blonde's heavy breath on her face.

"Not yet!" Clarke said just before trying to bite Lexa's neck. The Sky princess was a fury. Lexa immediately backed off from the blonde and extracted her sword. "ENOUGH CLARKE!" Lexa was now pointing her sword to Clarke's heart.

"Or what?" Clarke took a step forward while Lexa pulled back in order to not hurting Clarke with her sword. "What are you going to do, uh? You'll never hurt me more that you already did Lexa."

"Leave now, Clarke! If you don't want to listen what I have to say it's better for you to leave when you still have the chance." 

Then the blonde grabbed the blade with her hands which started to copiousy bleeding. Lexa was speechless. She couldn't imagine so much anger and hate.

"I'm sorry for this Clarke." The commander said. Then she dropped her sword and hitted the blonde on her jaw. It was a special spot that caused people to passed out immediately even with limited strength.

"One day you'll understand" Lexa thought while staring at Clarke's body.

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

When Clarke woke up she was still numb. The blonde tried to move but her hands were pinned over her head to the wall, fixed by some sort of chains.

"You gotta be kidding me..." Her hands stopped bleeding but they hurt like hell. When Clarke grabbed Lexa's sword, she was so angry and so full of hate that she didn't feel the pain. Maybe she wasn't really aware of what she was doing.

Her cell looked like a cave: the floor and the walls were made by stone, exept for the iron door that blocked her only way out. There was no ceiling and Clarke could perfectly see the sky. She leaned her head against the wall behind her, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"LEXA!" the blonde shouted with all of the strength she had. No one responded.

"LEXA!" still silence.

 

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Lexa was outside her tent sit on a trunk while pressing a wet piece of fabric against her cheek. Clarke hit her pretty bad.

"Let me cut her throat, Commander. She must be punished for what she did to you!" Indra was flared up.

"And what about what I did to her? No Indra." Lexa said almost ashamed. "Leave her be. Anyone would've reacted like her. Maybe even worst than that."

When the two girls heared the name of Lexa shouted by Clarke, everybody frozed. And the blonde didn't stop: she kept screaming even if no one were responding.

"I need to see her" Lexa said.

"She will never listen to you, Commander. She lost her mind. She is acting like a reaper but she can't be healed."

"I know, but this time she is in a prison and she cannot hurt me. Not phisically at least."

After a couple of minutes, Clarke stopped screaming.

"Maybe she lost her voice." Indra said with a hint of relief.

"I'll go check on her."

 

 

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When Lexa approached to the door of Clarke's cell, she found out that it was left ajar. Not only it was left ajar, there were a sort of male laughing coming from the inside. Lexa opened the door and she saw one of her warrior beating Clarke's face while holding her for her hair. 

 

"Why did you stop screaming, you sky garbage? The cat bit your tongue?" the man grabbed Clarke's chin and hit her on the left eyebrow.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CLAY?!" Lexa yelled at him before he could hit Clarke again.

"Commander!" the man stopped with his right fist in the air. "This girl insulted you. She deserved to be punished!"

"Bitting a girl in chain? That's what you call a punishment? This is cowardly behavior. Now get out before I'll beat the shit out of you."

"We haven't finished yet..." Clay looked at Clarke one last time before leaving the cell but Lexa put a hand on his chest and stopped him.

"Touch her again and I'll put my dagger in your eye. Did you understand?" The man nodded and left the cell quickly. Lexa approached to Clarke to check on her condition. Her eyebrow was bleeding so badly that she couldn't keep her eye open.

Lexa raise her hand to attend Clarke's wound with a piece of fabric that she tear off from her cloak but the blonde snapped and turned her head around.

"I don't need your help..." she hissed.

"I'm not here to talk Clarke if that's what you think. I think it's pretty clear that you don't want to hear what I have to say, so I won't force you."

"I'm fine..." Clarke said still didn't look the commander in the eyes.

"When your wound will get infected and stink like hell you'll change your mind. Is that what you want?" For the first time in a while Clarke didn't respond. She simply turned her head towards Lexa, finally facing the brunette.The commander started cleaning up the blood from the blonde's face: one hand behind Clarke's neck and the other hand was pressing the fabric on her eyebrow to stop the bleeding.

"I'm so tired, Lexa. I'm tired of all of this." Clarke said closing her eyes. She lost much blood that she couldn't stay awake.

"I know." Clarke felt safe under Lexa touch. Her soul was so weary that, in the end, the stress and the anger won and she fall asleep .

 

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It was dark when Clarke woke up. The sky over her cell was pitcy black. But there was something different: she was lying on the floor and she was covered by Lexa's cloak. The blonde could have recognize her scent anywhere.

Her hands were free from the chains and covered by a bendage. It seemed that Lexa took care of her wounds. Then something captured her attention. There was a candle a couple of feet away from her with a piece of paper under it. Clarke took it and used the feeble flame to read. 

"Please...Just listen what I have to say and I'll let you go. Give me one chance. I care about you."

The anger came back and the blonde burnt the piece of paper. 

 

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Clarke was awaken by the sound of the iron door opening. She was facing the wall when she heard some footstep behind her.

"I presume that you won't leave me alone, Lexa." 

"Try again Sky Princess." Clarke recognized the voice: it was Clay's. She immediately stood up, expecting the worst.

"What do you want Clay? You heard the commander, she will kill you. If you leave now I won't tell her you came here." Clarke's voice was filled with terror. Clay was huge comparing to her. Stronger, taller, wilder.

"Just watching you slowly die for my friends who died for your people. But first I think I'll get some fun."

Clarke didn't have the time to react. Clay had grabbed her by her throat and pinned the blonde against the wall of the cell while he tore off her shirt leaving her half naked. The girl tried to scratching his arms, but Clay didn't seem to care. 

"That's the best that you can do, girl? You fight like a dog. Show me that my friends died for something more than this! Honestly I don't understand what does Lexa see in you. You're weak Sky Princess. You're a waste of air." Clay said laughing. 

And for a moment Clarke was agree with it. She was weak.

But despite the hate for herself, somewhere deep inside, something told her to fight. Clarke hit Clay's elbow and for a moment he let her go so that the princess had moment to header him on his nose. The sound she heard was terrible. She probably broke it.

The blonde didn't have time to think and she ran towards the iron door that Clay had left open. She didn't look back when Clay shouted her name. 

The hallway near the cell brought her in the grounder's camp who was silent since it was night. 

"YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FOREVER SKY GIRL! I'LL FIND YOU AND I WILL RIP YOU APART!" 

Clarke turned left after passing a tent but she bumped against someone.

It was Lexa.

"Clarke!" she said standing before the half-naked girl. "What are you doing? How did you escape from your cell?" Lexa asked, her eyes wide opened. Clarke looked at her and grabbed her by her forearms.

"It's Clay! He came to my cell and..." Clarke didn't have the strength for ending the sentence. Suddenly Lexa changed her expression. She surpassed Clarke with fast steps. 

"Where is he?! WHERE?" Lexa shouted out loud. The whole camp came back to life. Some warriors came out of their tent, Indra was among them.

"YOU! COME WITH ME!" all of the warriors obeyed.

It didn't take long for Lexa to find Clay. 

"Commander!" he said with surprise. "The sky girl escaped from her cell!" 

Lexa didn't say nothing. She simply ran towards the man and stabbed him on his left shoulder with her dagger. Clay screamed in pain and fall down on the grass with Lexa still on him. The man dealt a punch to the commander's side but Lexa didn't flinched. The brunette was unrecognizable. she looked like a predator. She pulled out the blade out of him and started to stab him again and again. Clay was already dead but Lexa continued her slaughter. Her hands were soaked in blood and so was her face.

Clarke was behind the commander watching her, trying not to cry for the shock and the fear she felt. 

Lexa was exausted: her hits slowed down but they didn't stop actually.

The blonde tryed to approached the commander by touching her left shoulders but she snapped. Lexa was heavely breathing and didn't watch Clarke in the eyes. The brunette stare was pointing the ground like a psycho killer.

"You all! Go back to sleep! There's nothing to see!" Indra said to the rest of the warriors that slowly came back to their tent. 

Clarke was crying in silence kneeled near Lexa and Clay's corpse. The blonde leaned her forehead against Lexa's left shoulder. The commander still wasn't herself. Her heart was pumping fast. It seemed that there was no way to calm her down.

"Lexa..." Clarke said. "Lexa look at me, please." Clarke grabbed her chin and forced her to turn around.

The brunette closed her eyes. Her breath was almost normal.

"It's okay, Lexa. You're fine." Clarke said burying her face on Lexa's neck. The commander passed her arms around Clarke's waist and hugged her in return. 

"You're fine." Lexa said.

They stood like this a couple of minutes. Clarke helped the commander to get up. Clay's punch hurt Lexa more than it seemed. 

But scars, wounds and injuries, they didn't matter anymore. They were together. 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

The hallway in the mountain was desert. Clarke recognized one door, it was the dining room. The tables were still set with plates and food, still the room was empty. It seemed so quiet and calm.

She remembered that place when she was still a prisoner of the mountain men.

Clarke passed a column on her right and she saw a little girl: she was about 8, with long brown hairs falling on a white shirt. She was stairing at Clarke.

"Hey...what are you doing here?" Clarke asked.

The little girl didn't respond. She took a step towards Clarke but, as she approached, her skins became redder. It was the effect of the radiation that Clarke let in by pressing the button that bloody night. The girl slowly reached the blonde whose eyes started to fill with tears.

“I'm...I'm sorry...I had no choice!” Clarke said while taking a step behind. But then she bumped into someone. Suddenly the room was filled with the people she condamned to death. Everybody were staring at her, their skin ful of yellow blisters and pustules.

“You killed us Clarke of the Sky People... now you'll die with us...blood must have blood” the girl said. Clarke was surrounded. She screamed with all the strength she had.

"NO! NO! NO!"

"CLARKE! CLARKE WAKE UP!" Clarke heard the voice of Lexa who woke up in anxiety hearing the blonde screaming and moving in her bed. After the accident with Clay, they returned to Lexa's tent trying to get some sleep after the rough night. The last thing Lexa remembered was Clarke falling asleep near to her. They didn't say a word after Clay's death. 

"CLARKE!" Lexa said louder shaking the blonde by her shoulders. Then Clarke finally woke up, her eyes wide open.

"Get your hands off me!" Clarke said pushing Lexa away. The blonde jump off the bed but Lexa was faster and blocked her by her back: one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist.

"Calm down! It was just a nightmare!" she said into Clarke's ear.

"A nightmare Lexa?" Clarke tried to wiggle out of her grip. The anger of the day before came back. "So I didn't committed the murder at the mountain? I didn't kill hundred of innocents?"

"This is not your fault, Clarke!"

The blonde hit Lexa's hurt side with her elbow. That was the only way for Clarke to get free given the skills of the brunette concerning fights.

"You're right! This is yours too! If you didn't broke the deal we made, if you'd help me maybe those people could've been still alive!" 

Clarke slapped Lexa, but the commander didn't react. She knew she deserved it. She knew it since her army left the Sky People on the mountain. Clarke's reaction was normal. The blonde hit her again and grabbed the commander for the collar of the shirt she wore. The brunette still didn't look at Clarke.

"I thought we deserved better than that..." the blonde said.

Lexa remembered those words. The words Clarke said just before their first and only kiss.

"Now because of you I had to leave my people, my mother, my friends. You disgust me. Now I understand why Costia died..." she hissed.

Clarke crossed the line. Lexa looked at her just before punching her in the stomach. The blonde fell on her knees, she couldn't breathe anymore.

"Don't you dare say her name, sky girl." The commander was all rage. She grabbed Clarke for her hairs and dragged her in her tent. Then she slammed the blonde against a pole that was supporting Lexa's tent.

"You know nothing. You know nothing about me and, above all, about Costia, so shut your fucking mouth." Lexa let a tears fall. "You didn't want to hear me, Clarke. I've respected that but know you'll listen what I have to say, given that finally you can't speak."

"If you believe that leaving you was part of my plan, you're totally wrong. I didn't betray you. I saved your life, I saved your people along with mine."

Clarke was still breathless on her knees because of Lexa's punch but she couldn't believe what the other girl was saying. How in the hell Lexa could have saved her people?

"When I and my men went to kill those mountain men who were shooting at us, they surrendered almost immediately. That soldier you saw, came to me and told me something I didn't expected." Lexa said. She was calming down, and so was Clarke.

"They were in touch with the Ice Nation."  Clarke lifted up her chin and watched Lexa in shock. "Their queen was the one who ordered to the mountain men to create the reapers. In return the mountain people could continue to live there."

Lexa sighed. 

"Their army is one of the biggest on the earth. They're highly skilled warriors and have better weapons. We were not prepared. If they would have attacked we would be dead by now and the mountain men were still alive.  So we had to choose: leaving the mountain and live, or stay and die by the hand of the Ice queen. I care about you Clarke, but I also have to protect my people."

"This..." Clarke finally said before coughing. "This has no sense. Why you didn't tell me then?"

"It was part of the deal. The mountain men wanted desperately to get rid of your people more then mine and they thought they could do it on their own, but they needed for you to stay. You could not leave the mountain in any case. I wanted to tell you Clarke, I really did but they were watching us. Once the deal was done, we had to leave. There was no way to elude it. Otherwise they would have called the Ice Nation."

Clarke finally stood up. "And how did you know I could have make it? I...We all could have died!"

"As I said, the duty to protect my people comes first. But I still had faith in you as a leader. And as you see I wasn't wrong." Lexa approached to Clarke and hold her hands. 

"I...I don't know what to say, Lexa."

"Then don't say anything." The brunette wanted to met again Clarke's lips. Although she faced thousand of wars and fights, for the first time Lexa felt not brave enough. She just limited to hug her. Clarke needed time.
The commander smiled a bit when she finally felt Clarke's arm around her waist.

 

"There's something I can do for you?" Lexa asked.

"How..." Clarke stopped and sighed. She started to cry again.

"How what, Clarke?" Lexa didn't move. She simply hold the other girl as if she could fix her waiting for her to continue.

"How can I forgive myself for what I've done?" 

"You can only live with that, Clarke. You did what you had to do to save your people. That's what being a leader means. You saved your family, your friends. Try to focus on that."

Clarke kept crying on Lexa's shoulder.

"You need to rest, Clarke." The brunette passed her thumbs the girl's wet cheeks.

The two girls came back to Lexa's bed. They laid down in silence. The commander knew that a part of Clarke's soul would never forgot her betray. She just hoped that with time her princess could heal. 
Lexa closed her eyes, she was tired as well but then she felt the blonde's fingers intertwined with hers. 

They fell asleep immediately, each one reassured by the presence of the other.