Oh Tom, when you’re secretly in love with someone, you don’t act as if you hate them, you don’t snarl at them, and you don’t avoid them so that they notice it.
And you don’t tell them you both had drunken sex!
When you’re secretly in love with someone, you won’t tell him.
You act as normally as you can, to not to disturb what you have.
You enjoy every moment you spend together because with him you’re happy. You can talk for hours and don’t get bored. He laughs at your jokes, and his humour is exactly like yours.
And when he’s close to you - his eyes… and his body… That’s the minute you may act a little awkward, just because.
But you will cover up, you won’t tell him. You will tell no one.
It’s only when you’re back home and alone that you feel the pain searing through each part of your body: how happy you are that he really likes you, and how it destroys you that he won’t ever love you.
Any small thing, a song, a name, even nothing in particular makes you remember him out of the blue. And remember the pain. And you feel the tears well up. And you swallow. And you try to think of something different.
And when you meet him again, everything is forgotten. Your heart will grow a bit, your smile will brighten up and you will be as happy as you’re allowed.
And you will tell no one.