I sat heavily into my chair, kicking my feet out and letting the cushions absorb me. I wish they would just suck me down into the darkness so I didn't have to deal with this shit anymore. Everything would just be black and cold and nothing.
My glass of Jack and coke had been sitting on the table next to me long enough that the condensation was making a little moat for it. I ran my finger through it, drawing senseless shapes around the outside of my glass. Not even the alcohol was helping anymore. The pills at least helped me sleep.
Each day for the past week I had done nothing but drink, party, and drink some more. When I wasn't at the bar, I was at home, drinking and drugging myself into a coma before everything could catch up to me. It's so much easier to get wasted and pass out than to think about him.
Anything to keep Ronnie Radke out of my head.
I wish I never accepted his offer to be in his music video. I wish I never met him. I wish I never walked through that door to that studio and felt what I felt. And I wish he never felt it too.
I've always admired Ronnie. He's talented, he doesn't give a single fuck about his opposers, and he's not anything like his image at all. Well, maybe a little, but not in the way you think. I had looked up to him for years, thinking it would be the coolest thing to work with him.
But when I walked through the door, I had no idea that my first actual look at him would send my heart plummeting through the floor.
It was like nothing I'd ever felt before, when our eyes met I felt the electricity pulse between us like lightning, as cliché as that sounds it's the only way to describe it.
Some things you just know, and right in that moment I knew Ronnie was going to be more than just a fellow musician and friend. He was going to be so much more than that.
Just like every other night, I was going to replay the first time I met him over and over again in my head untilI passed out.. I was a glutton for punishment.
He shook my hand as I came in, his smile dazzling me. I faltered for a moment, probably looking like an idiot, but recovered and smiled back. Thank god I was wearing shades, so he couldn't see me staring right at him.
“Can't believe I have Trace Cyrus up in here! This is gonna be sick as fuck.” He clapped me on the back and led me to the set where we would be filming the video for his bands song “Bad Girls Club”.
I swallowed hard, hoping he didn't notice. “I've been so pumped about this since you called, man. I'm honored to work with you.”
Realizing I probably looked like a douche, I removed my sunglasses. Big mistake, well it wasn't at the time. He smiled and looked me dead in the eye. It was like someone shot me in the chest. I had never felt such a feeling, something as profound or real. I've been with women from around the world, I've felt all kinds of ways about all kinds of girls, but never any men. Not to say deep down in the secret parts of me I hadn't thought about it. But it wasn't something I sought out.
But right now, all I wanted to do was seek out every part of the man in front of me.
Ronnie held my gaze for a moment too long, the tension between us so tight you could cut it with a spoon. I felt my hands get clammy and my neck and ears starting to get warm. He ran his hand through his hair, sweeping the long locks back and out of his face.
For the rest of the day we got to know each other, talking about the video, setting up, and finally shooting. We got it all done in one day, there wasn't much to do, Ronnie always got his scenes in only a few takes. When I wasn't on camera, I watched him. He was such a ham, eating up the camera like it was his last supper. I loved watching him, hearing his voice over the speakers so he could perform along to his own music. He was perfect.
The girls from the video hung around me when they weren't on set, distracting me from Ronnie, but I played along so I didn't look too obvious. They were all beautiful, each one of them doing their best to try and get my attention most. The thing about being a celebrity is I forget that I am one until people I don't know act that way. I'm just a regular guy, really.
Being on camera with Ronnie was amazing, he completely changed up there, so much energy, a twinkle in his eye I hadn't noticed before. We finished the shoot with one of our scenes, and when the director said “That's a wrap!” He hugged me hard and trotted off stage, tossing his satin jacket aside and hugging everyone who was involved. To thank everyone, he hosted a little party in the studio. Booze, food, it was great.
Before we knew it, the clock said 10 pm and people started leaving, not realizing it was as late as it was. My manager asked if I was ready to go, but before I could answer, Ronnie came up, resting his arm around my shoulders.
“Aw, your not leaving yet, are you? I really wanted to pick your brain a little, I feel like we hardly got a chance to talk today, and I've been really excited to have you here.”
My manager shrugged, saying he was leaving, shaking Ronnie’s hand and thanking him for the opportunity on my behalf.
“Text me when your home so I know that crazy fans didn't eat you alive or something.” He smiled and left.
There were only a few people left, the rest of Falling in Reverse, a few of the pretty girls from the video, and some of Ronnie’s friends that I didn't know. Everyone but Ronnie pounded some shots, laughter bouncing off the walls as we all told stories and jokes. Eventually people started leaving and by one am it was just me and Ronnie, which was fine by me. He and I got along amazingly, it was so relaxing just talking about music and touring with him.
We both ended up on the couch, sipping our drinks, rum for me, straight coke for him. We had sunk into a moment of quiet, just enjoying each other's company, but the air of sexual tension was definitely there. Ronnie looked over from his seat next to me. I took a drag of my cigarette and kept my eyes forward, noticing him in my peripherals. He sipped his drink, eyes on me.
I turned to look at him and he smiled, his eyes darting away quickly. He busied himself taking a deep swig of his drink. I could see his fingers trembling but I didn't say anything. He wanted me too and I could feel it.
“Your one of the smartest people I've ever met.” I said to him, and I meant it. The look he gave me said he didn't believe me. “I'm serious! You think about music in a way I would have never thought about it. Not to mention you look damn good while you sing the amazing music you wrote.”
I saw his cheeks redden and he smiled, rubbing his face with his hand. I definitely needed to cool it on the rum before I said something stupid and messed it all up.
Ronnie stood then, stepping past me to walk to the fridge and get some ice for his drink. I watched him go, his lower half still covered by the black satin suit pants used in the video shoot, top half in a loose fitting tank top. I had put a shirt back on a while ago, not wanting to be weird while we hung out. I took a big pull from my glass, not even feeling it burn anymore, then kicked my feet up onto the coffee table in front of me, lounging back into the leather cushions. Ronnie turned around and came back towards me, my feet blocking his route to his seat beside me.
I guess my filter had disappeared completely, thank you Captain Morgan. I grinned up at him when he stopped, his shins bumping my calves as if to push past. He chuckled, setting his drink down. He stepped one leg over mine and stopped, straddling me. My chest tightened up as he bent down resting his hands on my thighs and looking me right in the eyes. His eyes pierced through me, and my breath caught for a moment. He snickered, sliding his hands up over my hips, stomach, and coming to rest on my chest. He had lowered himself down and was sitting on my lap, filling my vision with him. He was so close I could taste him, he smelled like skin and leather, which turned me on more then I'd like to admit.
I lowered feet from the table, the motion moving him more into my lap. His hands ran up over my chest and down my shoulders and arms, his hands finding mine. I knew my breath was getting more and more ragged with each touch, his fingers leaving the skin under them tingling. He picked my hands up and placed them on his hips.
“Don't be nervous.” He said smoothly, his eyelids getting heavy and he leaned in closer. My hands gripped him, shaking against him. I slid my fingers under the edge of his shirt and felt him tremble at the touch. He tipped his head back, a small sound escaping him as I moved my hands higher, feeling his tight muscles. I felt my stomach tense as he came closer, grinding slowly into me. I groaned, leaning my head back into the couch cushion. I felt his hot breath on my neck, his hands under my shirt, fingers splayed across my chest.
When I leaned my head back up he was right there, his nose touching the end of mine. His eyes were soft, full of lust. I couldn't take it anymore, just touching and heavy breathing. I wanted more. So I closed the gap between us and kissed him, my hands running up his back and pulling him closer.
His lips moved perfectly in sync with mine, his body giving in to my touch. I felt his hands run up my neck and into my hair, his tongue running across my bottom lip, asking for permission. I obliged, flicking his tongue with mine. He moaned into the kiss, his fingers tight in my hair. He was too much, he was intoxicating me. I loved every second of it.
Ronnie broke first, leaning back and looking into my eyes, his breath ragged. “Take me right here, right now.”
It was a demand, not a suggestion. And it sent me over the edge. I straightened up in my seat, pulling him into my lap, our bodies rubbing together. I could feel him through our clothes, pushing against the soft fabric of his suit pants. His hands were already at my belt, fumbling with it while kissing me hard at the same time. I ran my hands over his ass, gripping it and making him bite my lower lip in response. A deep sound ripped from me and I couldn't wait any longer.
In one smooth move I lifted him, his legs wrapping around my hips. I turned and laid him down on the couch, kissing him down his jaw and neck, nipping the tattooed skin roughly. He groaned, his shaking hands tangled in my hair. I grabbed his belt and tugged hard, yanking his slacks down. He shifted and let me take them off, revealing everything to me. His eyes were glassy as he looked up at me and I kissed him, I wanted him so bad right now. I fumbled with my belt and he helped, yanking my jeans down over my hips. He moaned when he saw me, lifting himself a bit to push his ass against me. I loved that he took control of all of this, showing me what he wanted.
I rocked back, rubbing myself against his ass, asking for entry. He leaned up and kissed me, one hand pulling my face hard into his.
“Fuck me, Trace. Harder than you've ever fucked in your life.”
And I did. I fucked his brains out right there. He bucked beneath me, his whole beautiful tattooed body quivering, hands all over me, trying to get control of himself. I fucked him so hard we ended up halfway on the floor. I had him cumming like a virgin, maybe he was, I didn't know. It turned me on so bad to watch him like that that I almost came myself. But he stopped me, making us tumble to the floor. He climbed in top of me and rode me, fingers toying with my nipples, biting his lip and gazing down at me. So sexy…
I dug my fingers into his bare hips, grinding up into him. My vision went spotty, I called out his name so loud it was good no one else was there with us. I twitched and writhed under him until every last piece of me was spent and I just collapsed into a heaving pile on the floor, sweat dripping from my forehead. Ronnie stood up, smiling down at me. He quickly pulled his pants back on and padded out of sight. I was just easing myself up when he came back in, puffing on his vape pen. I tugged my boxers on and plopped into the couch, taking the cig he had in his free hand, already lit. He sat down on my lap again, straddling me, blowing vapor out the corners of his mouth. I rested my free hand on his leg, rubbing circles with my thumb. He ran his fingers across my chest, tracing my tattoos with his fingertips, his hair hanging down in his face, tousled from our recent escapade. He looked stunning, chiseled features and carved muscles, ink and crystal blue eyes. Gorgeous.
He had me from that moment on, wrapped around his little finger. Anything he wanted I gave him, every night. I made him call my name so loud the whole city could hear us, I gave him everything I had in me to make him smile, to make him happy. All I wanted was his happiness, but all I got was a broken heart.
Just when you think you know someone, it turns out you don't know them at all.