“I shouldn’t have to be here,” Clint grumbled. “I already did my paperwork when I joined.”
“Increased interaction with alien civilization has made it necessary for you all to complete much more thorough directives,” Coulson said.
“If you are de-aged both mentally and physically to the state of a minor child, whom would be your legal guardian?” Bruce read the question from the thick document. “Seriously?”
“It’s important that we know your wishes,” Coulson said.
“How on earth are we supposed to know who to put?” Steve asked before adding, “Tony’s writing already? Really?”
“He’s writing Pepper,” Natasha guessed.
“She’d be good at playing baby-sitter,” Tony said.
“She’s already good at it,” Thor said, merriment in his eyes. “Can we put someone on Asgard?”
“Sure,” Coulson said.
Steve was staring down at his paper, frowning. Bruce felt a little sorry for him. He nudged him and said, “Hey, I don’t have anyone to put – can I put you?”
Steve smiled, relieved. “Sure. I’ll put you too.”
“Okay, guys,” Clint said, “Who do you think would LEAST want to take care of child-me? Like it would make them absolutely enraged to get stuck with me?”
“Fury?” Natasha answered.
Clint cackled. “Awesome,” and wrote Nick Fury in the space.
“Who are you picking, Natasha?” Bruce asked.
Coulson looked surprised.
“Have you seen his apartment?” she said, “There’s like candy everywhere.”
“Okay, next question,” Coulson said with an eyeroll.
“If you are de-aged physically but are mentally still an adult, who would you like to pretend to be your guardian in public?” Thor read.
“Hmm, that’s tougher,” Tony said.
“Put Clint,” Natasha suggested, “You’ll pull something outrageous and Clint will get jumped on for being a bad daddy who lets you run wild. It’ll be hilarious.”
That made sense to Tony, and even Clint seemed to think it would be funny, so Tony wrote it down.
“You do understand that if this actually happens, you’ll be sorry you put down a joke answer?” Coulson pointed out, but Tony and Clint shrugged.
“I’ll put Tony as my fake-guardian so it’s fair,” Clint said.
“I will choose Darcy,” Thor said. “She will enjoy that.”
“I’m putting Thor,” Natasha said. “Since I’ll need to sit on his shoulders anyway during battle if I want a better vantage point.”
“Thank you,” Thor said, pleased.
Steve looked at Bruce. “Trade again?” he asked and Bruce nodded. They both wrote the other man’s name down in the form.
“Next question,” Tony read, “If we were turned into an animal, who should care for us? Hey, guys, you know what would be funny? If we all put down Pepper. She’d have to raise a whole zoo and she’d get that cute little eyebrow wrinkle she does when she’s stressed.”
They all agreed and wrote down Pepper’s name.
“Again, all of you realize that this is not an exercise in antagonizing your friends?” Coulson said.
“If you are transported to a fairy tale land and someone must kiss you to awaken you from a magical sleep, who would you prefer?” Steve read. “Well, that just seems unlikely.”
“I dare someone to put Fury,” Bruce said.
Thor said, “I will choose any of the Warriors Three.”
“I’ll choose Rhodey,” Tony said, “Because he won’t like the kissing but he’ll be totally stoked that I picked him. Or super annoyed. Happy or annoyed. Either one is fine.”
“Can I see your form for a second?” Clint asked Bruce. Clint took it and wrote “Clint ‘Sexy’ Barton” in the blank.
Bruce looked at it for a second. “Barton, are you flirting with me or just trying to fuck with my head?”
“He doesn’t know the difference,” Natasha assured him.
“Ahem. Natasha. I mean, Agent Romanov. Would you be offended if….” Steve stumbled.
“You want to put me for this question?” she asked.
Steve nodded, starting to blush. The rest of the team looked on in amusement. They were used to withdrawn sad Steve and competent leader Steve and even occasionally laid-back-and-hanging-out Steve, but not awkward-being-overly-forward-with-women Steve.
“Sure,” Natasha said casually, “I’ll put you too.”
“And you Clint?” Coulson asked.
“Hmmm,” Clint appeared to be concentrating hard. “Who do you think would use the most tongue?”
“Thor,” Natasha said, and Clint scribbled the name down.
On and on it went as they filled out their questionnaires. The questions became more and more ridiculous, and they had more and more questions for Coulson.
If you became a mermaid with no voice, would you want to:
A. Undergo a quest to retrieve your voice
B. Get your legs back and return to land.
C. Become sea foam.
D. Live with the mermaid people.
“Fine,” Coulson said in answer to Tony’s question, “Write in ‘Perform experiments on mammal-fish hybrid anatomy in order to advance science.’”
“Really?” Bruce said as he crossed out his answer and wrote a new one, “Cool. But I’m specifying that only I can perform experiments on myself, no one else can.”
“Good call,” Tony said and made the addition.
If a version of you from an alternate universe shows up, what would you prefer?
A. I want to meet them to see how environment shapes personality.
B. I don’t want to meet them because it would cause an identity crisis/it would be awkward if their lives sucked more than mine/it would make me guilty or angry if they were a better person than I am/I don’t have time to meet someone just because they’re me.
C. I want to work together with them to defeat a common enemy.
D. I only want to meet them long enough to find out if they’ve slept with different people than I have.
“No, Tony, I don’t think having sex with alternate you is a good write-in,” Coulson said, his voice long-suffering.
“Also it’s weird,” Clint said.
“Not if you have another person to make it a threesome,” Tony pointed out.
“That’s actually a really good point,” Clint said.
“No, it’s not,” Coulson muttered.
“What makes you think the other Tony would even want to sleep with you?” Natasha asked Tony.
“I think I know how the other Tony thinks better than you do,” Tony said.
“Let’s go to the next question,” Coulson suggested.
If we encounter your evil twin, what is your preferred course of action?
A. I want to talk them into following a path of redemption and becoming good.
B. I want to battle them hand-to-hand in a symbolic catharsis of my own inner turmoil.
C. Kill them. There’s only room for one me in this universe.
D. I want to be roommates with them. Evil, schmevil, being a twin would be cool.
“How do you know I’m not the evil one?” Clint asked.
“Shut up,” Coulson sighed.
“I bet evil me is even sexier than alternate me,” Tony speculated.
If you are accidentally transported to King Arthur’s court, what do you prefer?
A. Get me back to reality as soon as possible.
B. Wait until I learn to believe in myself and then bring me back.
C. Let me enjoy it awhile and then bring me back.
D. Wait until I crush the enemies of Camelot and then bring me back.
“I’m writing in ‘threesome with Gwaine and Lancelot,” Tony said.
“You’re totally basing that on watching Merlin,” Steve said.
“Well, what are you putting?” he countered.
Steve paused. “I want to touch Excalibur.”
“Is that a euphemism for something?” Tony asked.
“I would want to participate in a joust and knock a guy off his horse with a stick,” Natasha said.
“You’ve done that,” Clint pointed out.
“Not while wearing a corseted medieval dress,” she explained. “And that was the butt of a rifle, not a lance.”
“I’m not sure what’s so extraordinary about this Camelot,” Thor grumbled.
“Just please finish the question,” Coulson said.
If you are given a truth serum, what do you prefer?
A. I have nothing to hide. Proceed as usual.
B. Debrief me but keep me away from the press.
C. I have nothing to hide except for around the following people whom you should keep me away from (List persons here:__________)
D. That is the worst thing that could happen. Sequester me in a cell with no human contact until the serum wears off.
Surprisingly, there were no questions for this one.
“We all put D, right?” Bruce said.
“I put A,” Tony said.
They all gave him a look.
“Fine, fine, I’ll change it,” Tony grumbled.
“I do not have many secrets,” Thor said, explaining his answer, “But I do not wish to unintentionally say offensive things about humans.”
“Hey, can I make it so I can tell Fury exactly what I think and no one else?” Tony said.
Coulson paused and then said, “Sure.”
Finally, they arrived at the last question.
Please list in order the three individuals you give prior-consent to have sexual relations with in case of sex pollen or related situation in which sex is absolutely vital to survival:
Clint and Natasha whispered for a moment and then proceed to whisper the secret to the others. Coulson really didn’t want to know.
Finally, after much decision making, each read off their list.
Tony reads, “1. Phil Coulson 2. Pepper Potts 3. Steve Rogers 4. Bruce Banner 5. George Clooney.”
“You’re only supposed to choose SHIELD agents, Avengers, and close friends,” Coulson said, “But that’s okay since you only need three.”
Thor reads, “1. Phil Coulson. 2. Jane Foster. 3. Steve Rogers.”
Bruce reads, “1. Phil Coulson. 2. Betty Ross. 3. Clint Barton.” Clint looks pleased.
Steve reads, “1. Phil Coulson. 2. Natasha Romanov. 3. Pepper Potts.”
“No,” Natasha and Tony say at the same time.
“Okay,” Steve says, “1. Phil Coulson. 2. Clint Barton. 3. Thor.”
Clint read, “1. Phil Coulson. 2. Natasha Romanov. 3. Bruce Banner.”
Natasha read, “1. Phil Coulson. 2. Maria Hill. 3. Thor.”
Coulson frowned. “This is what you were all whispering about? Why exactly?”
“Dude. This is the best idea ever,” Clint explained. “If we all get sex-pollened, you’ll have to do all of us. Like an assembly line.”
Coulson sighed. “Fine. Please sign your forms and turn them in.” He just wanted this meeting to be over.
“Who did you put for the last question?” Natasha asked him, her eyebrow quirked in a way he found mildly disconcerting.
“Never mind,” Coulson said firmly, pretending not to notice the wink Tony gave everyone, a clear indication that Tony planned to hack Coulson’s file to find out.
He would have to deal with that back at the office.
He would also have to start stocking Viagra in case the team was exposed to sex pollen.
Finally, when he had collected all the forms, Coulson pulled Bruce aside. “You do realize that we’re also going to need the other guy to fill out these answers? You know, whenever it’s a good time.”
Bruce stared for a moment. Then he sighed. “I am starting to seriously hate SHIELD paperwork.”
Normally, Coulson would disagree.