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a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

hello twitter this is alexander hamilton speaking, prepare to have your mind fucking blown

 

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To: a.burr@princeton.edu
From: a.ham@kingscollege.edu
Subject: Internships??

My name is Alexander Hamilton. At your service!

I heard your name at Princeton, when I got sort of out of sorts with a buddy of yours. I may have punched him, it’s a blur…He handles the financials??

See I want to do what you do! Graduate and work on campaigns. So, how’d you do it? Get an internship so fast?

A . Ham

 

 

To : a.ham@kingscollege.edu

From: a.burr@princeton.edu
Subject: RE: Question About Internships

Dear Alexander,

It’s a pleasure to meet somebody as interested in politics as I am. Your enthusiasm on the matter of campaign internships is greatly appreciated, and understood.

I am sorry that I cannot offer the best advice on that avenue of obtaining an internship such as mine. As I only came into this position due to a favor of a friend of my late parents.

However, as I am in New York currently, let me buy you a drink.

Your obedient servant,

A. Burr

PS: You punched the bursar?

 

 

To: a.burr@princeton.edu
From: a.ham@kingscollege.edu
Subject: RE: RE: Question About Internships

Hello again!

You’re an orphan!??? I’m an orphan! (We have so much in common already!)

Drinks sounds great.

A. Ham

PS: Yes! He looked at me like I was stupid! (I’m not stupid…)

 

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New Text From: Unknown Number

hey hey, this is john from the bar last night??

idk if you remember, we were all pretty drunk

i run a politics comm, basically political meta

if youre still interest in writing hmu okay??

 

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(thestoryoftonight.com mod group chat)

online users: laurens, lafeyette, mulligan, hamilton

laurens: big welcome to our newest member, alex!

lafayette: bonjour bonjour - -

mulligan: yo!

hamilton: hey its so nice to be a part of this!

hamilton: ive never really had a group of friends before

hamilton: so let me know if I fuck up okay???

laurens: youll do fine! no sweat! no sweat!

mulligan: seriously tho welcome to the shit show, we’re great

mulligan: and by that I mean *were all awful*

lafayette: tres bien les fucks

hamilton: okay ngl i don’t speak french, but im 80% sure that made no sense

laurens: laf did you start drinking without me again???

lafeyette: ah out

lafeyette: *oui

mulligan: see what I said!

hamilton: i can already tell we’re all going to get along great

hamilton: now lets talk shop! opinions on immigration reform? lets go

 

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Schuyler Sisters Spotted In Manhattan

by George King (political correspondent for NBC)

NEW YORK — There has been much debate and speculation about how New York Senator Philip Schuyler is representing the interests of his state. Though how can a man make decisions about the affairs of his state, when he cannot even run his own household. Recently spotted out and about in New York were the Senator’s three young daughters (the youngest of which is barely legal), engaging in all sorts of explicit nightlife, dressed in such a way that they could easily have been mistaken for streetwalkers rather than the daughters of an influential legislator. In particular the oldest, Angelica Schuyler, was seen (cont…)

 

 

angelica schuyler (@amindatwork)

apparently political columnists have nothing better to do than complain about the length of my shorts (how fucking original)

          eliza schuyler (@elizaaaaa)

          @amindatwork first off, fuck men.

          peggy. (@shortformargarita)

          @amindatwork to be fair sis, they were pretty short

          a. burr (@theaaronburr)

          @amindatwork I thought they looked perfect on you ;)

                    angelica schuyler (@amindatwork)

                   @theaaronburr you DISGUST ME

 

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Samuel Seabury (@bishopseabury)

“This congress does not speak for me.” (see full interview at bty.ly/ADZ230)

 

 

herc mulligan (@hideyohorses)

@justiceforall @HAMHAMHAM @thebaguetteismypenis

OHMYGOD PLS SOMEONE TEAR THIS GUY APART

          quote retweet:

          Samuel Seabury (@bishopseabury)

          “This congress does not speak for me.” (see full interview at bty.ly/ADZ230)

 

a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

hard to listen to this with a straight face #livetweetseabury

a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

my dog speaks more eloquently #livetweetseabury

          john (@justiceforall)

          @HAMHAMHAM his dog’s a fucking poet

          lafeyette (@thebaguetteismypenis)

          @HAMHAMHAM didn’t your dog die???

a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

OKAY JUST FINISHED LISTENING TO THIS SHIT SHOW give me 10 min, look for a new article on thestoryoftonight.com

          a. burr (@theaaronburr)

          @HAMHAMHAM I supposed any advice against this course of action will be ignored as usual?

                             a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

                              @theaaronburr as usual.

 

BISHOP SEABURY IS A FUCKING MORON

by Alex Hamilton (thestoryoftonight.com)

Stop whatever the fuck you’re doing right now, open the nearest bottle of booze you have and be prepared to listen to the worst fucking interview of your life. Or don’t and just read this article, because nobody should force themselves to sit through an hour of that shit show. This is the exact reason we have a separation of church and state, because idiots like Samuel Seabury shouldn’t be allowed to have opinions on Congress. Honestly, my dead dog has better opinions and he’s fucking dead. I would  (click to read full article…)

 

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George Washington Announces Campaign for 2016 Presidential Election

by George King (political correspondent for NBC)

VIRGINIA — Just last night, General George Washington, announced his plans to leave his successful military career behind and turn to politics. In his press conference announcing his campaign for the presidency Washington cited his objections to the two party system, government control, taxation on tea, and career politicians. There has been much speculation whether Washington is actually qualified for a position within the government. He may know how to lead a battalion, but how will that translate to running a country? For some answers to those questions, we at NBC personally spoke with (cont...)

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a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

finally a politician i can actually believe in! bless #washington2016

 

To: washingtonforPOTUS.interships@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: a.ham@kingscollege.edu
Subject: Application for Washington Campaign Intern (Social Media)

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Alexander Hamilton. I desire nothing more than to assist in the campaign for Washington’s Presidency. It is rare that I find a politician whom I truly believe in, but then Washington came along. There’s nothing I would desire more than to work in your offices. I have experience drafting letters and proposals, as well as campaigning door to door. (Though admittedly on a much lesser scale.)

Attached is my resume, which will highlight my experience, including graduating first in my class at King’s College Law School this past summer and my experience as a writer for “The Story of Tonight,” a blog which features breakdowns of political issues for the non-politically inclined public.

Please get back to me as soon as possible,

Alexander Hamilton

 

To: a.ham@kingscollege.edu
From: washingtonforPOTUS.interships@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: Application for Washington Campaign Intern

Your application has been received, and is being looked over by a very dedicated team. We thank you for your interest in being a part of General Washington’s campaign.

Vote Washington for 2016!

 

 

a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

and now the waiting game begins *fingers crossed* #washington2016

          herc mulligan (@hideyohorses)

          @HAMHAMHAM Good Luck!!

          john (@justiceforall)

          @HAMHAMHAM theyd have to be fools not to take you

                   a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

                    @hideyohorses @justiceforall thanks guys! means the fucking world

          a. burr (@theaaronburr)

          @HAMHAMHAM What did you apply for? (Good Luck.)

                   a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

                    @theaaronburr social media intern?? did you apply too??!

                   a. burr (@theaaronburr)

                    @HAMHAMHAM Yes, I did. A few different positions. That was one of them. May the best man win?

                              a. ham (@HAMHAMHAM)

                             @theaaronburr oh i will :D

 

To: a.ham@kingscollege.edu
From: GEORGEwashington@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: Application for Washington Campaign Intern

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

I was forwarded your resume by my internship hiring department, as they were all very impressed with your credentials. Upon reviewing your materials on my leisure, I have to ask, how come nobody has managed to get you on their staff before this? I am particularly impressed with the turn of phrased used in your articles on thestoryoftonight.com regarding immigration and tax reform. They are refreshingly honest. This honesty is something that I rarely see in politics these days.

While I regret to inform you that the position of social media intern has been filled by another applicant, there is another opportunity that I would like to discuss with you. I am currently seeking a speech writer. If this position at all interests you, please reply with two example speeches on any subject matter relevant to the upcoming election.

Thank you,

General George Washington

 

 

THE TWITTER USER PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS A. HAM (@HAMHAMHAM)
HOLY FUCK IS THIS REAL??! some body pinch me, im fucking dead

          john (@justiceforall)
          @HAMHAMHAM you got the job!!?

          THE TWITTER USER PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS A. HAM (@HAMHAMHAM)
          @justiceforall EVEN BETTER! hold on! go to group chat!

 

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10 Hottest Spectators of Wednesday’s Debate

by Maria Reynolds (for Buzzfeed)

          1. Alexander Hamilton

Technically not a spectator of the debate, Washington’s new speech writer is too hot (hot damn). He’s been making faces turn since his first showing, standing just to the left of wannabe president Washington. Though last night’s debate might be his hottest look of all – there’s something about that man in navy blue – that gets me going if you know what I mean (let’s be real, you all do!)

 

#WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)
i would like to thank everyone at buzzfeed for this incredible achievement #secondgreatestdayever

Future First Lady (@mrswashington)
hamilton looking esp cute this morning insta.bty/eezt_23

          #WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)
          @mrswashington wait, that’s not me??? that’s a cat!?? @washington2016 did you see this???

 

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Senator Schuyler Frivolously Spending State Money

by George King (political correspondent for nbc)

NEW YORK CITY — Speculation regarding New York Senator Schuyler’s ability to manage the interests of his state continues. The latest in this installment of disappointments on the Senator’s end comes in the form of a holiday party, deliberately named in a non-denominational fashion. (Is the Senator afraid of saying Christmas?) This party will host all the best and brightest the Federalist Party has to offer, headlined by leading Federalist presidential hopeful George Washington. The real question the public has to ask is where exactly are the funds for this party coming from, is Senator Schuyler taking state money for his own (cont…)

 

 

To: a.burr@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: Sen Schuyler Party?

You going???

A. Ham

 

To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: a.burr@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: Senator Schuyler’s Party

Dear Alexander,

I can’t believe you actually opened up your email, typed that pathetic excuse for an email out, and sent it. You do remember that you have my cell number, don’t you? Regardless, yes I am intending to attend the Schuyler party. Why?

Your obedient servant,

A. Burr

 

To: a.burr@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: RE: Senator Schuyler’s Party

Calling advance dibs on the hot one. Also, can you give me a ride in?? LaF borrowed my car last week and let’s just say it may or may not be in France right now? Long story!

A. Ham

 

To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: a.burr@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE:Sen Schuyler Party?

Dear Alexander,

I honestly don’t want to know. Please be ready by 7pm, or I’m leaving you to get a taxi.

Your obedient servant,

A. Burr

 

 

#WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)

had a lovely evening in the company of @elizaaaaa and @amindatwork, kudos to the host

          eliza schuyler (@elizaaaaa)

          @HAMHAMHAM I assure you the pleasure was all ours!! :)

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Love On The Rise In The Federalist Party?

by Betsy Ross (for People)

          Spotted above, Eliza Schuyler (daughter of New York Senator Philip Schuyler) with recently dubbed “hottest face in politics” Alexander Hamilton (speech writer for General Washington), at the Senator’s annual holiday party. The couple was seen sharing a rather intimate New Year’s kiss. Sources close to the couple say that Schuyler and Hamilton will soon be making the relationship official. (cont…)

 

Elizabeth Schuyler is now in a relationship with Alexander Hamilton.
(Alexander Hamilton and 57 others liked this) (25 comments)

 

#WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)
yes, the rumors are true. im officially taken by the lovely, eliza

          eliza schuyler (@elizaaaaa)

          @HAMHAMHAM back off ladies he’s mine

          angelica schuyler (@amindatwork)

          @HAMHAMHAM if feel like i should inform you that if you break her heart i’ll make it so that they never find the body :)

          john (@justiceforall)

         

@HAMHAMHAM are we taking bets on how long this will last yet?

                    herc mulligan (@hideyohorses)

                    @HAMHAMHAM @justiceforall $10 says less than a month

                            lafeyette (@thebaguetteismypenis)

                             @HAMHAMHAM @justiceforall @hideyohorses I’ll take that bet, mon ami

                                        #WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)

                                          @justiceforall @hideyohorses @thebaguetteismypenis so first off, fuck you guys. secondly, eliza is so great and I’m going to be so faithful to her that (pt 1/??)

                                                (36 more replies to #WASHINGTON2016 and three others)

                                                  #WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)

                                                  @justiceforall @hideyohorses @thebaguetteismypenis basically in conclusion, low key me and eliza are soulmates, fuck yeah (pt 38/38)

 

 

 

New Text From: “That One A-hole”

Just saw your twitter spiral.

Congrats on your new relationship.

Perhaps consider not spamming everyone’s twitter feed in the future.

 

New Text From: “Alexander Hamilton”

Thanks :)

Reminds me – Laurens said you got a new girl??

Theo something?

 

New Text From: “That One A-hole”

How does John know about that?

Actually, nevermind, I don’t want to know.

To answer your question, yes, but it’s complicated.

 

New Text From: “Alexander Hamilton”

/complicated/???

Friends with benefits complicated or like…? ;)

 

New Text From: “That One A-hole”

She’s married.

 

New Text From: “Alexander Hamilton”

Oh shit.

 

 

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George Washington (@washington2016)

Capitol Hill should be focusing more on states’ rights reform rather than asking for more money from local governments!

 

To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: GEORGEwashington@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: Twitter.

You do realize you’re my speech writer not in charge of my social media accounts, don’t you, son? Well said, but nevertheless, next time clear any posts you’re planning to make as me by me first.

Thank you,

General George Washington

 

To: GEORGEwashington@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: Twitter

Sorry, sir.

Won’t happen again. Though since the current one sucks ass (no offense meant), I just want to let you know I am more than able to manage your twitter account as well.

Just saying.

A. Ham

 

To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: GEORGEwashington@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: RE: Twitter.

Let Charles do his job. Please do only yours.

For my sake, try not to start too much trouble. If you truly have an issue with the way he is performing, cite specific incidences to our HR department. On the off chance you have friends that might be interested in the position have them email their resumes to HR.

If you want to keep your job do not engage with him over this issue.

Thank you,

George Washington

 

 

#WASHINGTON2016 (@HAMHAMHAM)

@thebaguetteismypenis remember when i said id try to get you a job? well guess who just fucking came thru!

 

 

charles lee (@lifeisgr9whee)

If anyone wants an honest opinion on what it’s like to work on Wash’s campaign look no further. Nothing more than an indecisive asshole.

charles lee (@lifeisgr9whee)

Don’t let him ruin our country! Go back to Mt Vernon!

 

 

 

New Text From: “That One A-hole”

We agree that twitter callouts are dumb and immature?

New Text From: “Alexander Hamilton”

sure

 

 

(thestoryoftonight.com mod group chat)

online users: hamilton, laurens

laurens: please tell me you wrote a response to lee?

hamilton: i did. 

laurens: and the reason it’s not up is???

hamilton: GW threatened to fire me if i made a call out

hamilton: pretty sure he even sent burr to text me about it

laurens: fuck that’s low

laurens: tho if you want, email me the doc

laurens: ill post it under my account

laurens: if you want that is??

hamilton: have i ever mentioned how much I fucking love you???

 

 

CHARLES LEE NEEDS TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN

by John Laurens (thestoryoftonight.com)

If you were wondering what a complete fuck up looks like, one needs to look no further than the image of Charles Lee. Recently booted from the Washington campaign staff due to his complete ineptitude regarding all issues social or political, he has taken to twitter in an attempt to bad mouth the very man he had been working for. This is not only pathetic and low, but shows that Lee is nothing more than the lowest, slimiest (cont…)

 

 

To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: GEORGEwashington@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: (no subject)

My office now.

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Strife in Politics? Or a Vacation to Paradise?

by Betsy Ross (for US Weekly)

          There has been much speculation in the political sphere about the decrease in quality of Federalist Nominee George Washington’s speeches, leading to concerns that his speech writer Alexander Hamilton had been let go. However, sources close to the man, have revealed that Hamilton’s absence has not been related to disagreements with Washington, but rather the need to take a vacation with the gorgeous Eliza Schuyler. The couple was recently spotted in upstate New York taking a romance vacation alone (click for pictures…)

 

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To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com

From: lafeyette@washingtonforPOTUS.com

Subject: you fave fucking frenchman

Just spoke to the boss, he should be calling you in ten min or less offering you your job back so like. Don’t fuck this up?

Also tbc, I don’t owe you anymore.

-- Lafeyette

 

To: lafeyette@washingtonforPOTUS.com

From: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com

Subject: RE: you fave fucking frenchman

BLESS YOU. When I’m back in town remind me to buy you a drink, okay?

A. Ham

 

 

George Washington (@washington2016)

Remember to get out there and vote today? You can be a part of bringing change to this great nation of ours. #washington2016

 

GO VOTE! (@HAMHAMHAM)
HEY YOU! YES YOU! SITTING THERE READING THIS TWEET! GO VOTE RIGHT NOW! #washington2016

 

lafeyette (@thebaguetteismypenis)

Wish I could be voting today! Instead getting drinks in Chesapeake Bay – prove to me you’ve voted to get one on me! #washington2016

 

herc mulligan (@hideyohorses)

GET THE FUCK UP AND GO VOTE! #washington2016

 

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WASHINGTON WON (@HAMHAMHAM)

WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT!

 

WASHINGTON WON (@HAMHAMHAM)

CONGRATS TO OUR NEW PRESIDENT, MY FRIEND AND MENTOR @WASHINGTON2016

 

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What Comes Next?

by George King (political correspondent for NBC)

WASHINGTON DC — The votes are officially in and America has chosen their new leader. Fresh off of his military fame, George Washington will be turning in the title of General for President in the upcoming months. However, in the wake of this victory many citizens are left with remaining questions. The most obvious of which is simply “What Comes Next?” Correspondents for NBC asked the new president elect these very questions early today in a private interview (cont…)

 

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To: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
From: presidentgeorgewashington@whitehouse.gov
Subject: My Cabinet

I hope this message reaches you in good health. As you are well aware, in mere weeks I will be sworn into office. They are asking me to lead and while I am doing the best I can, I need people beside me whom I can trust to act in our country’s best interests.

I know it’s a lot to ask, to leave behind the world that you know, but if you would be interested in a position in my cabinet I would like to arrange a time to speak one on one with you regarding the matter.

Your friend,

George Washington

 

 

To: presidentgeorgewashington@whitehouse.gov
From: a.ham@washingtonforPOTUS.com
Subject: RE: My Cabinet

Treasury or State?

A. Ham