On a clear summers day, Golidlocks came to the house of the three bears. The only creature that was in the house at that time was an old black cat sleeping in front of the fireplace. Silently thanking a deity that she did not believe in for blessing her with good fortune, she made her way to the dining room.
Right there on the table, there were three bowls of porridge. If you, dear reader, have any sort of familiarity with other versions of this story, then you would naturally assume that she tried all three bowls but only found the last one to her liking. In this case, you would only be partially correct: she found all three bowls to be nothing sort of disgusting. She promptly left the room, but not before writing a note that said "Get some f***ing cooking lessons, you stupid old bear!"
She moved over to the den, which was shrouded in complete darkness. She turned on the light, revealing a white room furnished only by three chairs and a painting of some long dead ancestor of the three bears. She sat in the biggest chair (too hard), then the medium sized chair (too many cushions) and finally the picture perfect small chair. Well, the small chair would have been perfect. But then (whether due to poor construction or Goldilocks's great girth), the chair broke, leaving Goldilocks laying flat on her ass. Picking up a piece of the broken chair, she swore in frustration as she threw the piece at the light hanging from the ceiling. The room was once more left in darkness and she headed upstairs, stubbing her toe at least three times on the way.
Unless you have spent your life under a rock, you should know how this fairy tale usually goes. She finds the bedroom, tries to sleep on the beds, then the bears return home and Goldilocks runs away without ever getting any punishment for her crimes.
That is not the case here.
The first thing that the golden haired brat noticed when she got upstairs was a large metal door with an elaborate security system. Goldilocks, amongst other things, was a master when it came to disabling security systems and picking locks, so getting past the door was no hassle at all. In fact she would have had a much harder time picking out the dirt from under the fingernails. She walked into the room and she was amazed at what she saw.
The walls were painted a deep blue and the carpet was a much lighter shade, to the point where it was almost white. There were various bits of machinery, of the sort that you would only expect to see in an old horror movie, surrounding a massive table that was covered with a white sheet. It looked like there was a body under that sheet, but apart from the fact that it was as big as the table, Goldilocks hadn't the faintest idea what it was. Given the fact that she was a creature of boundless curiosity (along with boundless greed, boundless selfishness, boundless capacity for backstabbing and a boundless love for tacky dresses), she walked over to the table to investigate.
But the mission was interrupted by a terrifying growl. The golden haired brat turned around to find out what was the matter, only to see that the three bears had returned home.
The family (consisting of brown bear Papa, panda bear Mama and little Bo) were as angered as you yourself would be in their positions, so they had a little talk about what would be the best way to deal with this problem. They could phone the police, but the local police force numbered at three, were far from competent at their jobs and were not fond of bears. They could phone the girl's parents, but even they were victims of the brat's wickedness and were too terrified of retribution to do anything about her behaviour. Mama smiled, reached into a pocket on her yellow coat and grabbed a small remote. She exchanged knowing looks with her husband and her son and pressed a big red button.
The thing that was lying on the table woke up and the sheet fell to the ground, revealing a creature that frightened Goldilocks and chilled her to the very core of her being.
The creature stood at eight feet and nine inches in height, had razor sharp claws and teeth like daggers. One of its eyes was small and brown while the other was blood red with a bright yellow pupil and bulged out the eye socket. The colour of its fur and the size of its limbs varied from body part to body part, as if the being was made up from bits and pieces of various types of bears. It would be all too easy to figure out how this story ends.
But it would end up being very difficult for Mama Bear to get the blood stains out of the carpet.