Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have an attention problem.
There are legends about the Sufferer, the Signless. And then there's you, the descendant who cries and is so goddamn depressed he just hides in bed.
When someone notices you, your face lights up.
AA: hell0 karkat
AT: uH, hEY kARKAT,
AC: :3 > hey karkitty! *ac hugs him*
CA: wwell hello karkat
AG: Hi karkat!!!!!!!!
TC: HeY mAn
TA: hii kk
GC: H3Y K4RK4T
GA: Hello Karkat How Are You Today?
CC: )(i karkat!
CT: Hello Karkat.
It just hurts when they don't.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] at 12:03 --
CG: HEY GAMZEE. [12:03]
CG: GAMZEE? [13.21]
CG: GAMZEE…. [15.30]
CG: I NEED TO TALK? [18.56]
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TG] --
Or even when they do.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 17:12 --
CG: HEY SOLLUX.
TA: hii kk
TA: how are you?
CG: TIRED. REALLY TIRED.
TA: oh that 2uck2.
TA: anythiing ii can do two help?
CG: I DON'T KNOW.
CG: GAMZEE'S IGNORING ME.
TA: diid somethiing happen between you two?
CG: EVERYONE'2 BEEN IGNORING ME.
CG: … 'S.
TA: ii'm not!
CG: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE.
TA: well you have been awful 2hut iin. make2 u2 worriied.
CG: SAYS SOLLUX, MASTER OF BEING A SHUT-IN.
TA: look kk ii know you have mental problem2 but you're 2cariing me
TA: aa'2 here got two go.
-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
Great, someone noticed.
Sometimes you put slices across your wrists cause Sollux said 'when ii did iit iit helped".
Sometimes you talk to a little black haried boy who makes you happy.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --
EB: hi karkat!! <3
You still get butterflies.
CG: HI JOHN. YOU DOING OKAY?
CG: … <3
EB: awww, and yeah, i'm fine! are you?
CG: YES! YES, I'M FINE.
EB: tell me what's wrong.
EB: please? you know how i worry.
EB: if it's about me, don't you dare forget i love you.
EB: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
CG: I LOVE YOU TOO.
CG: AND I SWEAR I'M FINE.
EB: can i ask you something?
CG: I GUESS?
EB: do you hurt yourself?
EB: or.. or have you?
Your heart stops for a second.
CG: WHAT? NO, OF COURSE NOT.
EB: sollux says you do.
Son of a bitch.
CG: I'M SO SORRY.
You can practically hear him crying. Doesn't help that he's typing weird.
EB: krakat really oh my gdo why wouldn't you tell me
EB: tot many typos to fxi
CG: JOHN.. BABY, PLEASE CALM DOWN.
EB: you're hurting yourself and its obviously my fault.
Fuck no no no no no no no no.
CG: NO! NO IT'S NOT HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?! YOU'RE KEEPING ME ALIVE RIGHT NOW!
EB: but you're still hurting yourself.
EB: am i not good enough for you?
CG: FUCK NO.
CG: YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
EB: but… karkat! you're /hurting/ yourself!
CG: I'M SO, SO, SO, SO SORRY, JOHN.
CG: I LOVE YOU.
EB: i love you too <3
EB: i um.
EB: i uh.
EB: i do it too.
Your heart skips a beat.
CG: OH MY GOD.
CG: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
EB: please don't be mad.
EB: i'm sorry.
You wouldn't have known that he's been doing it since age seven. You wouldn't have known that he's two seconds away from killing himself 24/7. You don't know because he hides it.
Why the fuck can't you?
Sometimes, you watch normal morals and matesprits.
AA: i l0ve y0u s0l
TA: ii love you two aa <3
AC: :33 How adorable.
CC: T)(anks eridan!
GA: I Think Im In Love With You Rose
TT: I'm quite in love with you myself.
AT: i, UH, i LOVE YOU gAMZEE,
TC: LoVe yOu tOo mAn.
EB: karkat says we seem like morails!<>
TG: uh ok <>
And then there's you.
EB: i love you - are you alright?
CG: I GUESS.
And other times, you just stay in bed.
EB: karkat? [15:09]
EB: baby? [16:00]
EB: please… [17:12]
EB: i need you. [20:19]
EB: are you mad? [23:12]
EB: please answer. [03:07]
TA: kk? [15:17]
TA: kk… [19:37]
TA: we're worriied about you. [22:30]
You wait a day to reply.
EB: you scared me!
TA: don't do that agaiin, kk.
Sometimes you go offline for a week so Kanaya can give you 'medical attention'. She, Sollux, and John are the only ones who know.
GA: Karkat You Need To Stop Doing This
GA: You Know Its Hurting John
GA: And We All Know How Much You Care About Him
GA: How Would You Feel If He WAs Hurting Himself
Your face goes pale.
CG: I… UM… I SHOULD REALLY STOP, SHOULDN'T I?
GA: Yes You Absolutely Should
Some days you just can't take it anymore.
EB: hi karkat!
CG: JOHN? I NEED HELP.
EB: holy shit.
EB: if you cut too bad GO GET SOMEONE.
CG: I… I'M SCARED.
CG: I LOVE YOU.
CG: I… I'LL GO FIND KANAYA.
EB: i… i love you so fucking much.
EB: go quick.
-- ectoBiologist sent file 'iloveyou.jpeg' --
It's a picture of him smiling and blowing a kiss and all you want is to hold him.
You get through this and 20 identical situations, but it keeps getting worse.
It used to be a light slice across the forearm but now it's bloody gouges with tattered edges and fuck you hate blood. You're too far in to stop now, though.
Finally, a month later, Gamzee notices you.
TC: HeY mAn
CG: GAMZEE? HOLY SHIT.
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD OR SOMETHING.
TC: I wAs DoInG sOmE sTuFf No NeEd To WoRrY
CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME I WAS FREAKING OUT!
CG: I HAVE HALF A MIND TO LEAVE YOU.
Okay so you don't you just want him to say how much you mean to him?
TC: WeLl tHaT WoUlD SuCk bUt iF YoU WaNt tO.
TC: I LiKe yOu a lOt dUdE YoU'Re a gOoD MoThErFuCkIn mOiRaIl.
CG: … OH.
TC: So iF YoU WaNt tO BrEaK Up tHaT'S OkAy bUt i dOn't wAnT YoU To gO.
TC: <> YoU
CG: <> YOU TOO.
CG: FORGET I BROUGHT IT UP, I JUST NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.
TC: SoMeThInG wRoNg MaN?
CG: YEAH, VERY WRONG.
TC: Oh MaN wHaT iS iT
CG: I HAVE A SELF-HARM PROBLEM.
TC: WhOa tHaT Is a rEaLlY MoThErFuCkIn bAd tHiNg tO Do.
CG: I KNOW.
TC: ArE yOu Ok?
CG: NOT REALLY.
TC: Oh ShIt.
TC: I'm SoRrY.
CG: IT'S OKAY. I AM SO, SO SORRY.
Sure, everyone was dealing with you now. How much longer was that lasting? How much longer until:
EB: i think we should see other people.
TC: I WaS ThInKiNg aBoUt iT AnD MaYbE We sHoUlD BrEaK Up.
TA: ii'm 2orry kk but you're makiing me wor2e.
GA: I Dont Think I Can Help You Anymore
Was it days? Weeks? Months?
Kanaya came first.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 09:44 --
GA: Karkat We Need To Talk
CG: OKAY? WHAT'S UP?
GA: I Think We Should Cease Being Comrades
GA: Or Emotional Support Partners
GA: One Sided Moirailship
CG: KANAYA PLEASE DON'T.
CG: I NEED YOU.
CG: WHO ELSE IS SUPPOSED TO HELP WHEN I'M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE?!
GA: Youre Going To Have To Find Someone Else
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
And already you felt even worse, even more alien. You pester John and he… isn't there. Dave says in a snarky way that he doesn't know either and you just get more worried.
It's always seemed like Dave hated you, even before you asked John out. And then it got worse. You don't know why you can't be friends with your boyfriend's best friend, but, fine.
CG: JOHN… BABY?
CG: YOU'RE SCARING ME.
EB: i make people scared a lot.
EB: get used to it?
You bite your lip.
CG: JOHN PLEASE DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
CG: PLEASE, I NEED YOU.
EB: i love you.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] went offline --
You find out he had to go to the hospital, some human thing you don't quite get.
He can't talk to you for a week so you talk to Sollux.
CG: SOLLUX I KNOW IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING BUT I NEED YOU.
TA: okay, what'2 up?
CG: I'M SCARED.
TA: what're you 2cared of?
CG: JOHN DYING.
TA: why?! ii2 he ok?
CG: HE'S IN A HOSPITAL.
TA: a what?
CG: HE'S IN A VESTIGIAL REPAIR HIVE.
TA: oh no! ii2 he alriight?
CG: I DON'T KNOW.
TA: do you want me to a2k ro2e? or dave?
A second later, he's back.
TA: ro2e 2ay2 john ii2 fiine. he'2 goiing two be iin the ho2piital for a long tiime though.
TA: 2he 2ay2 that he triied to kiill hiim2elf.
Next you try and talk to Dave, see what made him do it.
CG: WE NEED TO TALK.
TG: lemme guess
TG: its about john
TG: hes fucking fine
TG: do you just have to rub it in my face all the time
TG: you get to be with him
CG: … STRIDER, ARE YOU JEALOUS?
TG: no shit
TG: i am really in flaming homosexual love with your boyfriend
TG: fuck you
-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
Two down, everyone else to go.
Every second he was gone you missed him. And then, a month of cuts and slices later, he comes back.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:23 --
CG: HOLY SHIT.
EB: i just got home.
EB: i missed you.
EB: so, so much.
CG: <3 HOLY SHIT.
CG: I'M SO HAPPY.
EB: so, how's everyone been?
EB: is dave okay?
Of course he asks about Dave. Of course.
CG: HE HATES ME.
EB: what? why? how?!
CG: HE'S JEALOUS.
EB: of what?!
CG: HE'S KINDA… INTO YOU.
CG: HE BLOCKED ME.
EB: oh my god holy shit.
CG: YEAH HE'S… ANGRY.
EB: he has a crush on me?!
you like him don't you
you're gonna cheat on me
that's okay just please don't leave me.
It's two days before he says anything else about it.
EB: please, please, please don't get mad, but.
EB: i kinda. kissed him.
CG: BUT YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME RIGHT?
EB: of course not.
EB: i'm so, so sorry.
CG: IT'S OKAY.
it's not okay.
it's gonna happen again.
A nice chapter dedicated to my lady-love (i don't know why i just said that. But, yeah, girlfriend. Is cool..... yeah....... <3)
The less attention people pay to you, the more convinced you are that they hate you. The more convinced you are, the less attention you get.
EB: why what?
CG: WHY WOULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?
CG: YOU KISSED DAVE.
EB: jesus, don't make me feel like shit about it again..
CG: BUT WHY?
EB: find your own fucking motives.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] went offline --
He waits a day, changes his status to 'busy' and 'i'm sorry.'
And you are officially the biggest douche ever.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:21 --
CG: I'M SORRY.
EB: it's okay, i guess.
EB: i only even did it cause he said he'd never been kissed…
EB: i hate myself.
CG: BABY… I'M SO SORRY.
CG: I LOVE YOU.
CG: I SWEAR ON CRABDAD'S GRAVE THAT I'M NOT MAD.
EB: i love you too.
EB: i'm sorry too.
EB: i haven't seen you in way too long.
CG: YOU'RE A GREAT BOYFRIEND, JOHN.
EB: thanks, babe.
EB: you too. :)
EB: your emotes are so cute!
EB: (just like you).
CG: OH MY GOSH.
CG: YOU MADE ME BLUSH.
EB: sounds cute!
-- carcinoGeneticist sent file 'BLUSH.jpg' --
EB: you're smiling.
EB: nice to see you smile.
CG: ARE YOU SMILING?
-- ectoBiologist sent file 'johnsmiles.png' --
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE CUTEST SMILE I'VE EVER SEEN.
You can practically hear him squeaking from here??
Now you just hope he stays happy.
But with you as a boyfriend, it's unlikely.
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have never been so much in love.
Not the day John told you that he really did have feelings for you. Not the day that he said he loved you for the first time.
Only when you ruined everything and John let you pick it back up.
Only when you were sad and he fixed it. Broken and he put you back together.
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have a feeling it's all going to be okay.