Loki was walking in Asgard one day when he saw a horse and thought
"DAMN THAT HORSE IS FIYYYYYNNNNEEEEE"
Dat horse man.
Dat horse will be mine.
Imma turn myself into a horse
and sex it up.
Loki eyed down that beautiful stallion. He thought to himself "Damn. I want me a piece of that pie." So Loki swaggered over to dat horse, and gave him a one over. He said "Damn horse. You fine as Valhalla. I have Mjolnir in my pants." The horse eyed Loki right back. 'Damn, Asgardian. You fine too. Why don't you be my ASS GUARDIAN." So Loki stared at dat horse, and licked his lips. "DAMN. LET'S PROCEED WITH COITUS." And so then, Loki chanted a few shit Asgard words and stuff, and then Loki turned into an equally fine female horse. The two horsies then galloped away and there was much merriment to behold.
Many hours later...
"LOKI!" The other horse screamed.
"I FORGOT A CONDOM!"
Well shit son.
Loki then ran off after Svalfari had finished, and Loki was heart broken. he proceeded to run home to Asgard, lock himself in his room, and eat ice cream while watching Mean Girls. "I'll never love again!" Loki screamed, with ice cream in his mouth. But this is fuckin' loki we're talking about, he's a whore, he loves everybody.
So then, 9 months later, Loki had run off to the forest to bear his son of a bitch kid. There were many hours spent in the forest, when finally, Sleipnir was born. "DA FUQ HE HAS EIGHT LEGS?" Loki almost screamed. His child was a MUTATION. ABOMINATION. Then Loki declared. "THAT'S IT. I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN WHORES, AND I KEEP GETTING MOTHERFUCKIN PREGNANT."
Thor waltzed in with a snarky grin on his face.
"Brother, perhaps if you did not sex so many whores, you would not get pregnant. Also ODIN LIKES ME BETTER BYE."
LOKI then glared at his brother, "FUCK YOU THOR, NOBODY CARES." but he couldn't hold back the choked tears. Loki went back to his room to eat more ice cream and watch re runs of gossip girl.
But even Gossip Girl couldn't help Loki's pain.
"Hay, hay Loki!"
Sleipnir followed him constantly.
"Pay attention to me."
"I'M BORED LOKI!"
Loki felt like punching his kid in the face. "MOMMY LOOK." It was Sleipnir, and he had made Loki a nice heart shaped card with him and Sleipnir holding hands and hearts and shit. Loki looked disgusted. "Omg Sleipnir, I don't look like that, my helmet isn't that horny omg." So Loki took the card and threw it in the garbage. Sleipnir left sadly, but once Sleipnir was gone, Loki picked the card up out of the garbage and proceeded to fangirl and he framed the card and nobody knew about anything and Loki was secretly happy about it but he's a tough guy so nobody knew except Sigyn.
The next day Loki was like, pissed the fuck off. "Omg Sleipnir, Mommy should be king, not your asshole uncle Thor. Like, we're not even related.." Sleipnir nudged Loki and said "It's okay mommy, I love you.' And then there was a really chick flick moment that was sappier than The Notebook. So after that sappy moment that made bro moments in Supernatural look non gay, Loki set off to destroy some shit and kill Frost Giants even though- surprise, surprise- HE WAS A FROST GIANT!
Scumbag Odin strikes again! So after all that shit, they went back to Asgard and Thor got into major shit, and Loki lol'd. Odin banished Thor to Earth, and so then, Loki became the new favourite. Everything was going perfect, with Odin taking Loki for ice cream at the park, until Loki confronted Odin about being a Frost Giant. He was all like "ODIN, WHAT THE FUCK. WHY AM I A SMURF? "And then Odin was like "OH NO GURLFRAN, I WAS HOPING YOU BEING A FROST GIANT AND SHIT COULD LIKE UNITE THE REALMS AND MAKE EVERYBODY NOT BE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER AND SHIT BUT LIKE OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT WORTHY GTFO." And then being the old retarded man he was, he fell asleep.
And Loki was all like
"WELL SHIT SON, LOOKS LIKE IMMA RULE ASGARD." AND SO HE DID. Loki was a real badass king, sitting on his throne like a whore, and he got all da bitches. Until Svalfari came back, all like "LOKI TAKE ME BACK." and Loki's like "UH NO, GET OUT, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN, WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN." And so then Loki banished Svalfari who was a gold digger anyways Sle -idfk how to spell it- nir was very distressed about the whole thing, and the fact that gross old man Odin had ridden him into battle and rubbed his old man crotch all over his back. So when Odin rode him around, Sleipnir would always say hi to his mommy, but Loki would be all like "omg no Sleipnir stop nobody can know sh stop omg. you're embarrassing."
That made Sleipnir even more depressed, so he got spacers in his ears, got a nose piercing and went to hibernate on a Midgardian creation called Tumblr where he became what was known as a "hipster." He would sit in front of a computer all day typing "And in that moment, I swear we were infinite" over and over again while sipping Starbucks and taking pictures with Instagram. And listening to Nickleback (favorite album: Dark Horse) while wearing crocs. His favorite movies became Nicolas Cage movies all while surfing Tumblr on Internet Explorer.
Loki creeped Sleipnir's internet history, and heard of this program called S.H.I.E.L.D that had possession of the Tesseract, a powerful Rubix cube that could possess people and shit. So he grabbed his favorite Glow Stick of Destiny, made BFFL's with Thanos and went to go blow shit up on Earth. He found a portal through the Tesseract, and flew on in. "sup bitches.' he declared, landing in a laboratory with Samuel L. Jackson and that chick from how I met your mother. Samuel L. jackson began to scream, and a bunch of guards tried to kill Loki, but Loki was too fabulous for that shit, and he killed them all with his new magic glowing dildo I mean glow stick. A bird of prey tried to attack Loki, but Loki knew better. He possessed the hawk (taking note of his very fine ass) and then some random scientist he knew and some other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents before blowing the place up and gallivanting into the sunset. On the way to the Stark tower, Loki and the Hawk had a conversation.
"Oh man, you have a very fine ass." Said Loki. The hawk smiled, and said "OH YOU. You've got such gorgeous hair." And Loki flipped his hair, saying "Thanks, I use Loreal because I'm not worthy of the throne according to my dickhead old man." The two proceeded to act pretty gay, and complement each other.
Meanwhile Son of Coul who's first name was actually Agent watched Capsicle while he was sleeping and acted very very gay towards him and fangirled.
Then Loki went to this party in Germany. Loki walked in LIKE A BOSS, hit a guy with his scepter LIKE A BOSS, and stole this guy's eyeball LIKE A BOSS. THen he put on his horny helmet and made the Germans kneel the fuck down, because humans crave subjugation. The humans all screamed stereotypical German things like "OKTOBERFEST! SCHNITZEL! KILL JEWS!" loljews but then knelt except for some old guy. Then a man of iron crashed down from the sky playing Black Sabbath and Loki was like"ohmyfucking god it's the super husbands" because captain america faggy pants was there too and the super husbands were like "STOP. IN THE NAAAME OF LOOOOVE." ANd Loki was all like
"WELL SHIT I GUESS I'M DONE FOR, I BETTER LET MYSELF GET CAPTURED AND NO IT'S NOT TOO EASY AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE A SECRET PLAN. EHEHEHE. I DO WHAT I WaaaAAAAAAAAANT!"
So the Avengers (as they were called) took Loki onboard the Valiant flying airship thingie where they put him in a cell actually meant for a giant green rage monster also known as actual grown adult Mark Ruffalo who knows everything about empathy. Then Samuel L. Jackson came by, and was all like 'You've made me desperate man, like wtf." and Loki's all like 'Lol yeah okay, i'm losing right now oh no you've got me lol oh man ahah phew." Samuel L. Jackson was all suspicious and shit, so he gave Loki a copy of Playboy magazine so he wouldn't get bored, and left to talk with the Assvengers. Samuel L. Jackson walked in on the superhusbands having mouth to mouth contact. AND EXTREME SEXUAL TENSION THAT PUT SUPERNATURAL HOMOEROCTIC SUBTEXT TO SHAME.
Oh by the way the Black Widow was there who was totally not in love with Hawkeye they're just apparently really really close and trust each other with their lives and whatnot. So since the super assassins were practically eye fucking, and beating the shit outta each other because the Hawk was still under the control of super Rubix cube and the super husbands were procreating, that left the little scientist and the giant australian Jared Padalecki. The Australian Padalecki was demanding more poptarts, and the scientist was not sure what to do because he get's mad and you won't like him when he's mad so he sat there and did science and ate blueberries. Samuel L. Jackson was extremely dissapoint. He stood there and sobbed because this team was extremely fucked up and who the fuck knows what's going to happen and they have a giant green monster who might Hulk out at any moment on board along with a villain whose mind is like a box of cats. Adorable cats, mind you. He was really just a misunderstood special snowflake.
Oh, we forgot to mention that while Aussie Padalecki arrived (by jumping on the helicopter) Loki could've totally escaped while Shakespeare in the park and the superhusbands were fighting but he didn't and that wasn't suspicious at all. Also Black Widow unpossessed Hawkeye and they had a conversation full of lovely chemistry that had the entire world screaming "NOW KISS!"
Then Loki managed to trap Thor in his cage and Thor fell out and the Hulk Hulked out and everything turned to shit but Steve Rogers learned about electricity so he got a special gold star.
So Loki escaped after kiling Son of Coul and destroying all the Avengers fangirl's hearts and flew to New York because obviously all big battles happen in New York and Spiderman was busy and not giving a fuck about anything and embarrassed about his superhero dads so he figured why the fuck not. He opened a portal on top of Stark Tower that looked suspiciously like a llama and the Chitauri came to fuck shit up. The Avengers magicall united because of Son of Coul's tragic death and flew to New YOrk to beat up Loki.
And then there was some more sexual tension between superhusbands and everyone wanted to know what the fuck went down in Budapest and Hulk smashed some things including Loki himself. And all the Loki fangirls sobbed because Loki. And then there was this really cool montage with all the Avengers and Stark called Hawkeye Legolas which was awesome and then the Council wanted to bomb New YOrk but Samuel L. Jackson was all like
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING COUNCIL WANTING TO BLOW UP MOTHERFUCKING NEW YORK!
But they did anyway and then Iron Man who without a suit of armor is actually Sherlock Holmes from A Gay of Gays took the missile and threw it at the Chitauri and they all conveniently died. So the man of Iron flew up into the hole where the Chitauri were coming out of, and Black Widow for some reason closed the hole when she could have waited an extra 5 fucking minutes to let Stark come out, but she did it anyways and the man of Iron almost died and stuff. But then his science bro Hulk saved him and it was all good and then Loki said if it was all the same to them he'd take that drink now but Hawkeye totally just wanted to shoot him in the face because he possessed him and made him kill people and almost kill Tasha and everything is Clintasha and nothing hurts. So then Thor put a muzzle on crazy Loki and it was totally hot and there was some more ultra gay superhusbands and Tasha promised Clint lots of secks later on. Also Hulk was there.
And it was gay and everything is gay and gayvengers and gay and gay and Loki was a leaf on the wind and we all watched him soar. He reunited with Sleipnir on Asgard and they were happy and Odin was still a big bag of dicks and everything went better than expected and Dean and Cas admitted gay feels for each other in Purgatory and Gabriel and Balthazar and Anna were there and the Doctor reunited with all his companions and Donna didn't burn up and die and Sherlock season 3 started filming and Finnick got reincarnated and everything was peaceful in the fandom world and nothing hurt and all the Twihards were fed into a meat grinder.
and it was directed by Joss Whedon who is a life ruiner and you know what