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Vehemently, by Canada

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Vehemently, by Canada
Sometime in the alternate reality of Fanfictionasia.....

There were two boys. One of orange, one of verdant forest green! The green boy bearing the name of Jake English, who was not actually green but rather is kind of depicted as green because of this green skull thingy on his t-shirt, and like this over-shirt thing, and he also types in green, has a friend who he takes on exciting adventures around his island, who is kind of depicted as orange but is clearly normally coloured, he just has a hat on his shirt? And types in orange? So yeah, Jake has convinced him, via method of gun-point, to accompany him on his journey into some random cave somewhere.
“O, Dirk Strider, how I have longed so vehemently for your accompaniment of me on this something journey!” Jake cried without sounding unduly curious.
“Cool,” Dirk Strider, the dedicatedly orange boy of sixteen, said.
They expectedly enterethed the cave, holding hands like two lovers at a Justin Bieber concert under a rainbow in San Francisco. They walked deeply into the cave, admiring the empty rock-like scenery that was total bullshit, until they came very unexpectedly to a dead end. It was such a surprise that all of the sudden a bomb went off and they got stuck in there.

Cavestuck.

Dirk and Jake were so terribly astonished by this that a magical blue bed of light appeared out of thin air. A sly and friskulous smirk appearified haphazardly all over Dirk’s face.
“What a serendipitous outcome, o bromine, of totally not contrived events,” saidth Dirketh, vehemently removing his pants at something akin to the speed of light. Vehemently.
“By jove, Dirk,” Jake said tugging suggestively at his horribly sweaty collar, “Here we areth, trapped in this forlorn cave, and you are removing articles of clothing from your very person in your flash-steppy manor.”
Dirk began to edge slowly and vehemently and victoriously en route for Jake. He visualized something like an airplane runway going towards a glory hole, complete with some guy using those flashy pointer things signals and like, a lit up uh, thing. His throbbing manhood eager to pounce on his pray.
Jake fell to the ground, mystified, and started backing up towards a wall as is typical for the beginnings of most pornographic scenarios. He screamed like a little girl, but Dirk ignored that.
“I like the word ‘friskulous’,” Dirk said sexily. “That’s what I named my dick. You’re welcome.”
“Oh my god, so kawaii,” Jake screamed in terror. He cringed inside but decided that maybe if he said something nice he could avoid the terrible inevitability of it all.
“Jake, flatery will get you know where?” Dirk said, confusingly.
Jake’s tears fell from his face until he realized he had a gun. Two of them, instead. He pointed one at Dirk’s head and one at his nether regions. Suddenly Dirk flash-stepped, and instead of a familiar trusty gun it was Dirk’s giant throbbing cock in his hand. So after several seconds of emotional turmoil, Dirk sent Jake flying onto the blue bed of light that was still a thing with one mighty flick of his giant long manly length.
LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH HAHAH YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE.
Jake looked up and saw that a rock looked suspiciously like the outline of a certain pokemon... Pikachu? At least he would have something to vehemently stare at. Unless dirk decided to do it doggy style; something Jake didn’t want to think aboot.
(Sentence imported from Canada.)
Jake started crying as Dirk sensually slinked onto his body. Dirk suddenly realized that his sunglasses were blue not black and he got pissed and decided to vehemently travel through space vehemently. Jaku (conjugated in past tense correctly) was relieveded (not so correct) was still stuck in the cave. Then Dirk returned wearing a sombrero and then they fucked vigorously.

Fin

And then, from Jake’s point of view:

So one day Jake and Dirk were adventuring on the island and then they got stuck in a cave and ate cheetahs I mean cheetos while hoping that somehow they would figure out a way to leave.

The end.