Steve walked into the gathering room at the tower to find all five of his teammates sitting on the sofas staring at laptops. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“Thor’s in love with his brother, Hulk becomes a psychoanalyst and wears a tweed jacket and asks people how they feel about their mothers, and you and I are fucking,” Tony said casually, not even looking up from the screen.
“I doubt it, I really doubt it, and no, we are definitely not,” Steve answered.
“I took your virginity on a lab table,” Tony answered. “Apparently, it hurt but you liked it. So, you know, sorry and you’re welcome.”
“My vir- wait, what?”
“Dude. People are writing stories about us,” Clint explained. “This is seriously the most awesomely hilarious thing I have ever seen.”
“Stories?” Steve said.
Bruce explained, “It’s fanfiction. It’s when people write stories about people they don’t know. Famous people, or fictional characters.”
“Like those Captain America comics they used to do…” Steve said with a sigh. All that fuss still made him uncomfortable.
“Really? I didn’t know those comics had porn in them,” Clint smirked, “I’ll have to buy some. Or hell, Coulson probably has them, I’ll just steal his.”
“Since he is your boyfriend, after all,” Natasha said with a laugh, teasing him for being part of such an angsty pairing.
“What? No he's not, why would you -- please tell me this is one of those 21st Century things that I can get away with not understanding,” Steve said.
“Nope,” Tony said. “No way are you not reading some of these,” and he pulled Steve down next to him and turned the screen so they could both see.
“Um. They’re writing stories about … us?” Steve asked Tony, “Together?”
“Dude, we’re like the most popular pairing,” Tony said and tried to get Steve to give him a high five.
“But… why?” Steve asked again. “And… wait, you were serious? This person thinks I’m a virgin?”
“Everyone thinks you’re a virgin,” Natasha explained.
“But – I was a soldier. In World War II. On tour, just me and dozens of USO girls. I mean, USO women. And then there were all of the French prostitutes. I mean, the French sex workers. And the Captain America groupies back then. Plus all the ones now. Plus, Zoe from accounting. Plus —“
“We get it, Captain STD, but everyone on the Internet writes about you being a virgin. Until I come along, of course,” Tony said with a grin, earning him an eyeroll.
“We did have contraceptives in the 40s, you know,” Steve grumbled at the STD comment. “But why would anyone write these things?”
“It’s fun once you get into it,” Bruce said. “Actually, when I was younger, there was this show called Highlander that I really liked and I would read and write stories about them for a fanzine. I mean a magazine.”
“Were they dirty, filthy stories, I hope?” Clint said with a grin.
“What do you think?” Bruce said, smiling back lasciviously.
Tony added, “I’m so glad you said that, Banner. I wasn’t going to say anything but I used to be totally into Star Trek. TNG all the way, baby. Though of course I had mixed feelings about the Data storylines. But anyway, I was totally a BNF if I do say so myself. That’s Big Name Fan,” he added for Steve who rolled his eyes yet again.
“Tasha once pretended to be a mail order bride just to lure someone into a SHELD facility,” Clint said with a smile. “Does that count as fanfiction?”
“No,” Bruce said, just as Tony said, “Yes.”
“Hey, I haven’t found any of Bruce and Clint together,” Natasha noted.
“There are a few but not many,” Clint said.
“Wait, nobody writes about the two who are actually a couple?” Steve said, confused.
“They’re too busy reading about the only two straight dudes on the team 69ing on the battlefield,” Clint said with a snort, nodding at Steve and Tony.
“But that’s – so impractical. And also, just – I would never – I mean, no offense Tony but--”
Tony answered cheerfully,“None taken. By the way, I’m usually the bottom. Some people would be insulted by that, but I’m pretty sure that means I’m the favorite.”
They all continued reading.
“We all seem to cry a lot,” Bruce observed.
“Except Natasha,” Clint noticed, “Tasha, you don’t even smile in most of these.”
“That’s okay. I’m beating the crap out of you guys and you guys are begging for more, so that’s cool,” she said with a shrug.
Steve stared for a moment and wanted very much to ask if she was serious about liking that image, because –
His thoughts (which probably would have gotten his ass kicked in the not-fun way, to be fair) were interrupted when Tony elbowed him and said, “Look this one is labeled ‘Science Boyfriends’ so it’s about me and Bruce. ‘Superhusbands’ is about me and you. ‘Stark Spangled Banner’ is about the three of us – clever, right?”
“Ugh. ‘Clintasha.’ I hate it,” Natasha said.
“Hey,” Clint said, irrationally insulted.
“The name, I mean. ‘Bartomanov’ would be better,” she said.
“You are very wrong on that,” Bruce said, and everyone agreed.
“If this were a fanfic, I would totally be allowed to shoot you all for disagreeing with me,” she grumbled, “And you’d all have to admit that you should have seen it coming.”
“I am very confused,” Thor said. “I did not realized that it was considered normal on Midgard for two brothers to have sexual relations.”
“It’s not. Not even a little,” Tony explained.
“But….” Thor stared at his screen for a very long time, seeming to have no idea how to respond.
“Hey, why is Clint/Coulson so popular?” Steve asked.
“I know, that’s totally weird,” Tony agreed.
“Kind of hot,” Natasha said, and Tony and Steve looked at her, What? all over their faces.
“Doesn’t it bother you, Bruce?” Steve asked.
“No,” Bruce said. “Actually some it’s pretty good. I had no idea you were so flexible, Clint,” he added with a teasing wink.
Clint laughed. “The best part is that Coulson would freak if he found out. In my book that makes it all worth it.”
They kept reading.
“This is truly outrageous,” Thor said. “For all my brother’s faults, he certainly did not have sex with a horse! Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that is your custom on Midgard.”
“It’s definitely not,” Clint said.
Thor shrugged skeptically, “Well your myths and fanfictions have many stories that suggest otherwise. And where there is smoke there is often fire…” he muttered.
They ignored that and kept reading.
“No. No, no, no, no. NO.”
“Bruce? Are you okay?”
Bruce shut his laptop and put his face in his hands. “This is not happening.”
He jumped up and went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of cherry schnapps and a glass.
“Schnapps? Seriously?” Tony said, barely suppressing a sneer.
Bruce repeated, “Hulk porn. There is Hulk porn.”
“That’s … actually sounds kind of sweet. Big guys need love too,” Tony added.
“Fuck you, Tony,” Bruce said as he downed a shot.
Clint moved to sit next to him and rub his back. He couldn’t help opening up Bruce’s laptop, though.
“Whoa, there’s like fisting and everything,” Clint announced, and Bruce groaned.
“Here, let’s let you read some nice romantic Thor/Steve porn and then you’ll feel better,” Clint said and clicked a few times on the mouse.
“Thor/Steve porn is surprisingly sweet and wholesome,” Natasha noted.
“Am I a virgin in those too?” Steve asked.
“Yep,” Thor said.
They kept reading.
Suddenly, Clint started laughing uncontrollably.
“Clint?” Tony asked, “Share with the class?”
Clint kept laughing so hard that he slid off the couch cushions and on to the floor next to Bruce, who grabbed Clint’s computer to see what had caused the quasi-breakdown.
“Alpha Beta Omega?” Bruce said.
“Oh, those,” Natasha said. “Yeah, they’re popular.”
Clint was still laughing, hunched over and holding his sides.
“Grow up, Clint,” she said.
“I can’t get--” Clint interrupted himself by continuing to laugh like a hyena, “I can’t get my dick out of Coulson. We’re stuck.” He laughed even harder.
The team just stared.
“Don’t let him see the rest,” Natasha advised Bruce but Clint grabbed his laptop back. “Wait, wait, wait – it’s even better!” he says he hoots loudly, “It’s okay because his asshole self-lubricates. Because his asshole is like addicted to me,” he snorts as he sprawls out on the floor, not even trying to control his laughter.
“That’s not how I would describe it,” Natasha said, miffed, “You probably didn’t even read the chapters in order.”
“This is the best thing in the history of things,” Clint said, still shaking and gasping, “I can’t wait to see Coulson’s face.” And another round of high-pitched barks of laughter began.
“You CANNOT tell Coulson about this,” Steve said.
“Agreed,” Tony added, “Number one, Mr. Pressed Suit would have a nervous breakdown if he knew there were porn about him. Number two, he would make us do paperwork. I don’t know why, but I’m sure of it. Number three, he would mock us for reading porn about ourselves. He would do it subtly and possibly with just a facial expression. But there would be mocking.”
“Too late,” Clint giggled, “Already sent it!”
They all groaned.
“Well, we better finish reading before the baby-sitter gets here and stops our fun,” Tony grumbled.
They kept reading.
Thor just looked more and more consternated the more he read.
Steve tried to favorite some Steve/Pepper stories without Tony noticing.
Tony developed an algorithm that searched for certain word combinations in order to find the filthiest stories for any given pairing.
Natasha re-read one about Steve and Clint both sucking on Coulson’s dick at the same time.
Bruce just posted on message boards under the pseudonym “VoiceofReason69” saying “You know, it’s totally out of character for Hulk to just go around fucking people. He’s angry. Not horny. Angry.”
Clint clicked on the ABO tag and read as many as he could.
Sure enough, Coulson arrived a half an hour later.
Clint kept giggling, even as Bruce gently elbowed his to keep quiet.
“Agent Coulson, hey,” Tony said casually. “April Fool’s!”
“It’s not April,” Coulson said as he passed out folders to everyone. “I’m distributing instructions regarding how to respond to the ‘RPS’ phenomenon. In short, don’t respond. If anyone asks about it - especially the press – pretend that you have no idea what they are talking about. Do not respond online either, with real or fake names. That means no message boards,” he said, glancing at Bruce, “no leaving kudos on ao3,” he said with an eyebrow raised at Natasha, “and definitely, definitely, no leaving prompts about Director Fury on the kinkmeme. Tony.”
Tony shrugged, unashamed.
“Hey,” Tony realized after a second, “You aren’t allowed to monitor the Internet use in the Tower, that was the deal.”
“We didn’t. We monitor the fansites. There is a junior SHIELD agent whose sole task is to make sure we keep a handle on the situation.”
“Your asshole lubricates!!!” Clint interrupted and started laughing again.
Coulson ignored him and continued, “It’s for security purposes.”
Natasha stared at him. “And do you ever read any of these fics? For security purposes?” she asked Coulson.
“Only when one is passed up to me because of a possible issue.”
“An issue like everyone thinking I’m a virgin?” Steve muttered.
“At least Tony isn’t your brother,” Thor grouched.
“An issue like one of the Avengers’ enemies using the boards,” Coulson explained.
“Your asshole is in love with me,” Clint said, covering his face as he tried to stop laughing.
Coulson sighed and continued. “At first, we were worried that fans might uncover personal information about you and that villains would use the sites for intel. Now, we’re more worried about the team’s enemies participating.”
“Participating?” Steve asked. “We know someone who’s participating?”
Coulson gave an apologetic shrug in Thor’s direction. “Loki writes a great deal of fanfiction, it appears. We aren’t sure what the long-term purpose is, but we didn’t alert you because for now it seems he is, well, just doing it for the sake of trolling. He wants us to be annoyed by it, and therefore we aren’t going to be. Though, actually, he’s quite a BNF.”
Thor nodded. “Even in his trouble-making, Loki can be very skilled.”
“Wait, what does he write?” Bruce asked.
“Who does he ship?” Natasha asked.
“Mostly, he writes AU’s. He has a long series where Clint and Natasha are in high school and they go to the prom together and Clint’s nervous and Natasha wants to be prom queen but only if Clint gets to be prom king and she’s also worried about going to college next year and getting into a good sorority. And… let’s see, there were a bunch of Tony/Bruce/Steve fics where Tony is a kitten and Steve is a puppy and Bruce is a bunny. Hulk is a bunny too in those, but you know, larger. And a bunch where Steve gets Tony pregnant and then they have a miscommunication and they each think the other doesn’t love him, but then it always works out at the end. And, well, one where Jane leaves Thor because she thinks he’s stupid and then she sleeps with 6 billion Midgardians to spite him, and when he tries to pleasure himself he finds that he is impotent.”
Thor pouted and shut his computer.
Natasha’s lips had thinned in anger since the word ‘prom.’
Steve and Bruce looked horrified.
Tony smiled and said, “It sounds like I’m the most popular character. I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to get me pregnant?”
Clint, who was not paying attention to any of this, said, “Hey, Coulson, is your asshole wet?” and laughed yet again.
Coulson, who apparently had had enough, turned to him and said, slowly, calmly, and in his very best deadpan, “Yes, Clint. My asshole is wet. I’m in heat and you’ll have to have wild, animalistic sex with me or I’ll never make it through. Oh. Yeah. I need it from you, Clint.”
Clint stopped laughing and stared up at him, his face a combination of What the fuck just happened, is Coulson now a bigger smartass than I am? and Okay, maybe that was kind of hot after all. Bruce just rolled his eyes and gave Clint’s hair an affectionate tousle.
“I told you there would be mocking,” Tony pointed out.
“Are you really not upset that there are all these … adult stories about you, Agent Coulson?” Steve asked him.
Coulson shrugged. “It looks mostly harmless. Though, as I said, we’re monitoring to make sure it stays that way. And I suppose it’s flattering, in a roundabout way.”
Natasha looked at him and discerned something. “You’re totally stoked that you’re in one of the big pairings, aren’t you?” she said with a smile.
Coulson turned just the slightest shade of pink. “Like I said, flattering,” he said, his mouth tightened in annoyance at her question, even as his eyes betrayed pride in the agent who was still better than anyone he knew at reading people.
He went to leave, but on his way out, he added, “Just remember, no talking to the press. No posting or commenting or anything else on fic about you or any other team member. And I cannot emphasize this enough: no talking about Fury.”
When he was gone, they were quiet for a good long minute. Until Clint said, “So, is knotting actually possible with real people?”
They all groaned and decided it was finally time to turn off their computers.