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JTK v. JLP

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None of them remember how they got on the subject. Well, Foggy knows it definitely wasn't his fault, but if either Matt or Karen remember, they won't own up to it.

In any case, what they do remember of the conversation started like this:

"I'm - I'm more of a Kirk fan, honestly," Karen admitted with a trill of drunken laughter. "The whole... he was always so passionate, but respectful too. And, well, his face."

"Karen Page, I am shocked," Foggy said, a delighted grin on his face. "Are you admitting to being attracted to William Shatner?"

"Young William Shatner, there's a difference!" she protested, laughing again. Foggy made insinuating noises and ridiculous expressions, which kept her laughing until she was breathless and smacking his shoulder to make him stop. Matt was no help at all, of course, a smile hidden behind the rim of his glass.

"Abuse!" Foggy called out, squirming out of reach. "Abu - I'll sue, see if I don't."

"Admit there's a difference," Karen insisted, reaching over the table to grab at his shoulder. "Come on, Foggy!"

"I'll do no such thing," Foggy said, leaning back in his chair to stay out of her reach, tilting it back just a little too far to be safe. Matt's cane flew up and smacked against the back of the chair, sending it upright with a moment's persistence. Foggy blinked a few times, briefly disoriented. "Thanks, buddy."

"Captain Kirk is played by men who are conventionally attractive when cast in the role," Matt said. Foggy frowned, was about to argue against that claim when Matt added, "Discounting the eighties movies because you can't help how Shatner aged. He originally received the role when he was undeniably a good-looking man." Matt smirked. "Which is also sufficient defense for Karen's position regarding the difference between Young and Modern William Shatner."

Foggy sighed. "Alright, alright. Prosecution rests." Karen broke into applause; Matt stood up for the sole purpose of bowing in her general direction. What a nerd.

"My hero," she said with an over the top sigh. Then, grinning, "Given your fervent defense, can I assume you're a Kirk fan too?"

Matt fidgeted with his cane for a moment, an awkward look on his face. "Actually..."

Karen gasped. She even - to Foggy's eternal amusement - pressed a hand to her chest, all scandalized Victorian matron. "Picard? Matt, I thought we had something special here!"

A corner of Matt's mouth ticked up as he shrugged. "I admire his diplomacy."

"Well, I guess Kirk can't beat Picard in that area." Karen faked a disappointed sigh. "In that case... Foggy, you're my only hope."

"Isn't that the wrong kind of reference to be making during this conversation?"

"Oh, shut - " Karen waved off the comment. "You, Foggy Nelson, are the only thing standing between me and a law firm full of stuffy Franco - Franco... France-lovers." Matt snorted out a laugh. "Though I guess I can see you going either way," she added thoughtfully.

"You're gonna regret asking this question, Karen," Matt said, reaching for his glass.

"I know I'm taking a risk, but I have to know." She turned to Foggy and said, with the solemn intensity of the drunk, "Foggy: Kirk or Picard?"

Foggy stood up, with only the slightest bit of difficulty thank you very much, arms akimbo, and announced, decisively: "Sisko."

Karen blinked. Twice. "Deep Space Nine? But... I mean, that one was so... dark."

"Too dark for Foggy to really enjoy? Normally, you'd be right." Walking with slow, deliberate steps to his office, Foggy pulled out his Courtroom Voice and said, "The truth you're not ready to hear, Karen, is that all of Star Trek is dark."

Karen frowned. "The Section 31 thing is a retcon - "

Matt downed the rest of his glass. "That's not what Foggy means," he said, leaning heavily on one elbow, resigned to the oncoming.

"No it's not," Foggy shouted, voice carrying from the other room. "Star Trek is a dark, miserable, dystopian future for one reason and one reason alone, and that reason is..." He drew out the "is" for a long thirty seconds, digging around in his office for a very important visual aid. "Aha! As I was saying: that reason is..."

"It's baseball," Matt muttered into the palm of his hand, spoiling Foggy's dramatic reentrance. Darn him. Darn him like a sock.

"Baseball," Foggy said reverently, holding his softball and bat aloft like trophies, or religious icons. Same difference, really. "Do you know, Karen, how often baseball is mentioned in Star Trek?"

"Why do I have a feeling you're about to tell me?"

"Mentions in the original series: zero. In TNG: two. In Voyager: zero. In Enterprise: zero."

"Wow."

"I know, it's awful. And Deep Space Nine, which is comparatively the best, only has, like, five episodes with good baseball-related content." He started counting them off on one hand. "The episode where they actually play a game, obviously. Then there's one episode where Sisko is set up on a blind date with a woman because she likes baseball - and that one specifically mentions how few people care about baseball anymore. Can you imagine living in a world like that? No wonder they're always off exploring the galaxy, there's nothing good left to do at home."

Karen nodded. "That must be it."

As Foggy continued to outline baseball-related plots, Matt leaned toward Karen and fake whispered, "He refused to watch any episodes that weren't about baseball. He made the internet vet them for him."

Foggy, already a little choked up from describing the shenanigans Sisko's son went through to get him a Willie Mays baseball card (it was more heartwarming than it sounded), took the opportunity to clear his throat pointedly. "I'm sorry, who made the internet vet them?"

Matt made a squished up, irritated face. "I wanted Foggy to narrate Star Trek for me. He refused on grounds of boringness due to lack of baseball. I bet him fifty bucks there was at least one episode of Star Trek about baseball, and we had the internet confirm this for us."

"And then I narrated the Humans-versus-Spocks baseball game to him in lieu of giving him fifty bucks I did not, at the time, have."

Matt groaned. "They're called Vulcans, Foggy, I know you know they're called Vulcans."

"Spocks."

"You are the worst. Karen, find me something I can throw at him because he is the worst."

"And hey, I didn't only watch baseball episodes! I watched the one with the Worf lawyer too."

"Klingon," Matt and Karen chorused.

"Worf."

Two cushions from their recently acquired (thank you, Freecycle) couch hit Foggy square in the face. From the floor he objected to this treatment, one hand pointing accusingly in their general direction. "Your aim is too good for your current blood alcohol levels."

"Anger sobers you up," Karen said with the voice of experience. Ignoring how hilarious Matt and Foggy found this, she nudged Matt with an elbow. "Come on, Matt, between the two of us we can totally strong arm him into watching The Voyage Home, if nothing else."

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe..." Matt giggled a little. "Maybe we can get him with The Undiscovered Country. There's an actual Worf lawyer in that one."

Karen hissed and drew back. "Matt, no."

Foggy sat up. "Okay, I cannot deny that a reaction like that does make me curious."

"Foggy, no."

"Not growing less curious, Karen."

"It's not that bad," Matt said, and promptly got smacked on the shoulder.

"For his first one, Matt? No. It's either Wrath of Khan or The Voyage Home."

"And Wrath of Khan would end with Foggy trying to kill us." Matt sighed. "Okay, The Voyage Home it is."

"The Voyage Home it is!" Karen echoed, throwing a triumphant fist in the air.

Foggy realized he was smiling, and forced his face to cut that shit out. He gathered up his unwillingly acquired cushions as a rudimentary defense against further attacks. "Do I get a say in this?"

"Oh Foggy."

"Foggy, Foggy, Foggy." Matt shook his head, and Foggy got the impression he was this close to being tsked.

"Of course not."

"Besides," Matt added, "ten bucks says I can get you to want to watch this movie using only five words." Karen tilted her head to one side thoughtfully and started counting off fingers. She got to her thumb and grinned.

Foggy looked between the two of them thoughtfully. "I'm thinking I shouldn't take that bet, and not just because I can't remember if I have ten bucks to my name that aren't already promised to my rent or phone bill." He shrugged. "What the hell. Try me."

Matt leaned back in his chair, posture preemptively triumphant, and said, "Spock swims with the whales."

Foggy stared.

Matt, being blind, probably didn't stare back? But he kept his head facing Foggy, and with his glasses on it was just as effective as a staring match - for drunk Foggy, anyway.

Matt grinned.

"Shit," Foggy groaned. Darn dirty heartbeat-hearing cheater, knowing Foggy'd decided before he said anything. "You know I hate it when you're right, buddy, but this I gotta see."

Karen cheered, waving invisible pom-poms over her head. Still grinning, Matt lifted a hand up to head height, which Karen high-fived enthusiastically.

They both looked happier than Foggy'd seen them in ages.

Now, with the opening credits of Star Trek IV rolling, Foggy figures he's probably only going to regret this a little. (And only because of the literal years of I told you sos that are gonna come crawling out of the woodwork if he enjoys a single baseball-less minute of this.)