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From: Gwen Smith
To: Merlin Emrys
CC: Arthur Pendragon
Subject: Reference chasing

Hi Merls, can you chase up the reference for Alex Johnson? We need to send it in the next hour :) xxx

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Gwen Smith
CC: Arthur Pendragon
Subject: Re: Reference chasing

Alex Johnson's referee is the bane of my life. She keeps promising to send it to me and then disappearing off to Florida or something...

Have you seen Cenred's new haircut? Mullet-tastic.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Merlin Emrys
CC: Arthur Pendragon
Subject: Dare you to touch it

Oh my God, I know, he looks like the 80s threw up on him.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Gwen Smith
CC: Arthur Pendragon
Subject: Pay me £10 and I will

Maybe I should get a mullet...

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Merlin Emrys
CC: Arthur Pendragon
Subject: Not worth it

I will shave your head in the middle of the night, I swear to God.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Do you two ever do any work?

Is there a reason I've been cc'd in on this incredibly irrelevant discussion?

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Rude

The relevant bit is Alex Johnson. The mullet banter is just an added bonus, darling.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: I'd prefer a bonus of actual money

Kindly refrain from addressing me as darling in a work email.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Wouldn’t we all?

Someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Take it up with finance

Yes Gwen, because you and Merlin ganged up on me and literally pushed me out of it.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Zero sympathy

You deserved it for cover hogging.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Cue Roy Scheider voice

We’re going to need a bigger bed.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Cue Richard Dreyfuss wink

No arguments here.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Cue me shutting this conversation down

Go and do some work, both of you.

P.S. Cenred looks like the ghost of a goth who died in a disco fire

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: That is oddly specific

Knew we'd drag you down with us ;)

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Your face is oddly specific

Do I have to re-issue my dire warning about using smilies in office emails?

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Blatant favouritism

You let Gwen do it!

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: So sue me

Gwen uses them sparingly. You just take the piss.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: :(

I'm hurt :'( :'( :'( :-O

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Nope

Desist immediately.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: :(

What's wrong Arthur? :((((((

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Oh please

I'm reporting you both to HR...

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: :P

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Giant nope
Attached: I came out of the ocean because you need to stop.jpg

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: :-O

Do my eyes deceive me? Is Arthur Pendragon using a meme?

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: No memes

Please don't encourage him, he'll be saying doge next.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Wow.

I like that doge. He has a calming effect on me.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: So meme.

Such unexpected. Much confuse.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: If you send me Sad Pepe, I will commit murder

You're both memer trash.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Correction

Unrepentant memer trash.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Eh?

I don't even know what memer trash is.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Re: Eh?

Alright Granddad, that's enough internet for you today.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Official warning

Careful, Merlin. You're on thin ice.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: I’m quaking

What you gonna do, spank me when we get home?

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Yay

Ooh yes, do that and then do me after!

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Not enough brain bleach in the world

Guys, you are aware part of my job is monitoring your emails, right?

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

JESUS CHRIST.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Re: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Brb, relocating to Canada.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Chill

Relax guys, I've told Morgana way worse stuff than that ;)

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: I have no chill

That fact is the opposite of relaxing.

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Then find some

Calm yourself brother, your secrets are safe with me. I've never told a soul. Except Gwaine, of course.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Make me

You tell Gwaine?? May as well take an ad out in the Sunday Times!

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Pshhh

I'm not sure anyone reading the Sunday Times would care to hear that Merlin likes to be led around on a leash and collar, and whacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: You know too much

Hey!

I mean, accurate, but still...

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: As we’re spilling secrets

Morgana only tells Gwaine everything because she’s WARM FOR HIS FORM.

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Traitor

Gwaine and I are just friends!

Also, the nineties called, and even they’ve stopped saying ‘warm for ya form’.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: The nineties were a dark time

You're all fired.

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Hmm

On what grounds? Will you be forwarding this conversation to Uther as evidence?

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Re: Hmm

Touché.

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: That’s what I thought

Did you know Arthur pronounced touché as 'touchy' till he was like 20?

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Argh

Shut UP, Morgana!

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Re: Argh

Express your displeasure with a meme, Arthur. That'll show her.

 

From: Gwaine Greene
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Stop leaving me out

What we talking about guys? Merlin's puppy play festish?

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwaine Greene, Gwen Smith, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: FFS

Actually may as well take an ad out in the Times at this point…

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwaine Greene, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Fancy you dropping in

Oh hey Gwaine, we were just talking about this friend of mine. See, she REALLY likes her work colleague but she’s worried about ruining the friendship so she won’t ask him out. Even though all she can talk about is his lovely accent and his cheeky grin and his fabulous hair. Any advice?

 

From: Gwaine Greene
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: He sounds like a man after my own heart

She needs to tell him! Life is for the living!

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwaine Greene, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: I do not have time for this

I can see how this one is going to play out and I think I’ve had my fair share of hijinks for one day so screw it.

Gwaine, my sister would like to take you out on a date. She is, as certain people from the nineties might put it, “warm for your form”. Please accept, bring flowers, and don’t order Pinot Noir, she hates it.

NOW CAN EVERYONE GO AND DO SOME COCKING WORK?

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwaine Greene, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Re: I do not have time for this

If you think I’m not coming over there to beat your ass Arthur Pendragon, you are sorely mistaken.

 

From: Gwaine Greene
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys, Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Pause on the ass kicking

Much though I’d like to see you put Arthur in a headlock – again – I’d much rather take you out to lunch right now.

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwaine Greene, Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Ok

Fine, whatever, I guess I’m free.

 

From: Morgana Le Fay
To: Gwen Smith
Subject: Did that just happen?

!!!!!

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Morgana Le Fay
Subject: Re: Did that just happen?

Eeee I’m so excited!!!!! Tell me everything when you get back!

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Ahhh

True love wins! *happy sigh*

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Re: Ahhh

I’ll refrain from sending you a romantic doge, just know that it’s in my arsenal if I ever need it.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Thank you for refraining

Bed shopping tonight?

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: Yessss

Hoorah! We’re still gonna tip you out in the mornings though.

 

From: Gwen Smith
To: Arthur Pendragon, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Seconded

Yeah, we really are.

 

From: Arthur Pendragon
To: Gwen Smith, Merlin Emrys
Subject: Fair enough

I expect nothing less.

Merlin, did you ever get that reference for Alex Johnson?

 

From: Merlin Emrys
To: Arthur Pendragon, Gwen Smith
Subject: !

OH BOLLOCKS