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In Which Steve Is Apparently Ariel (or, Tony Hates Everything, Especially Loki and Disney)

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"There, you see him, sitting there across the way-"

"Clint, I swear to god, I will take off my 800 dollar shoes and thrust them viciously and enthusiastically down your throat."

"He don't got a lot to say, but there's something about hi-"

Tony opens his mouth to yell, but Coulson puts a hand on his shoulder. "He can't help it, Stark. Loki-"

"I noticed," Tony hisses. "What the fuck, enchanting everyone with fucking Disney-"

Clint, who, by now, is clawing at Coulson with desperate, 'oh-my-god-kill-me-I-want-to-die' eyes, continues to sing. "-ou don't know why, but you're dying to try, you wanna kiss the guy-"

"Fuck Loki." Tony starts pacing, and then stops. "Loki can go suck a dick."

Coulson, as he always is during a crisis, involuntary Disney songs aside, keeps a straight face. "It could be the cure to whatever he's put on us."

Tony whirls, clenching and unclenching his hands. "Yeah, emphasis on could! Either that, or I'm going to- to-"

"Kiss Steve for nothing," Coulson interjects helpfully. "I'm sure that will be horrible for you."

"Yes, you want him, look at him you know you d-"

"CLINT, IF YOU DON'T-"

"-possible he wants you, too, ther-"

"-STOP YOURSELF FROM SINGING, I SWEAR TO GOD-"

"What do you want him to do, cram his fist in his mouth?"

Clint makes up everyone's mind by stuffing his hand into his mouth, but Tony can still hear it, muffled: "-ly one way to ask him, it don't take a word, not a single word, go on and k-"

"Fuck Loki," Tony says again. "Hard. With a rake."

"Later," Coulson says. "Focus on the mission."

Tony restrains himself from squawking, but it's close. "The mission? Missions are getting the shit beaten out of us by giant, inflatable ponies that are storming New York, this is-"

"Stop being so melodramatic," Coulson says dryly. "Loki said the spell would be broken if everyone played their roles."

"Steve is not Ariel."

"Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my oh my, look at the boy, too shy, he ain't gonna-"

Tony brings back his fist to punch Clint in the face, and Coulson, the fucker, grabs Tony's hand before it impacts.

Clint starts banging his head against the table, the song coming in random bursts.

"-a-la ain't that sad, it's such a shame too bad, you're gonna miss the guy-"

"I will never let you get over this, Barton," Coulson tells him, and turns back to Tony. "Steve just came out of a meeting with Fury on the floor below us. He'll be up here in-"

"Bye," Tony blurts, and starts speedwalking to the elevator, and then switching course to the stairs, because no-one uses the stairs except for Agent Hill and the new SHIELD agents.

Coulson cuts him off, Clint trailing behind him, singing, "-oment, floating in a blue lagoon, boy you better do it soon, no time will be better-"

"I hate everything," Tony says, and Coulson steps in front of him.

"Stark. Bruce said it'd work, and if you don't do it, we'll have to wait for Thor's turn to come around again. Do you really want another round of 'part of your world'?"

Tony shifts from foot to foot, trying to work out how injured he'd be if he flung himself out of a 22nd story window without the suit.

"I'm not doing it."

Coulson grits his teeth over Clint's increasingly louder, "-on't say a word until you kiss the guy, sha-la-la-"

"If you do not kiss him when he gets down here, I will grab the both of you and shove your heads together until you do."

Tony blinks. "Wow, middle school much? I mean, personally, I want to see you serenade Clint again. That was fun. Totally knew you were Aladdin."

Coulson's jaw is so stiff he's almost breaking a tooth, and Clint looks like he's ready to drown himself in the fish tank a few metres away as he almost wails, "-got the mood prepared, go on and kiss the guy, sha-la-la-"

"Stark. He'll be here any minute, and Loki's spell is growing stronger by the day. It'll infect New York, and-"

"And it'll turn into a nationwide High School Musical, I know. But come on, are you sure it's-"

"-LA LA LA DON'T STOP NOW, DON'T TRY TO HIDE IT HOW YOU WANNA KISS THE GUY-"

"I think Clint's trying to knock himself out with that stapler," Tony says, pointing, and Coulson barely winces as the song is suddenly punctuated with a 'THWACK' every time the stapler connects with Clint's forehead.

Coulson says, "Stark," and Tony holds up his hands.

"Yeah, yeah. Taking one for the team. Whatever." He swallows, stupidly nervous and not in denial at all. "Steve will totally understand."

"I'm sure he'll think kissing you is a great pain on his part," Coulson deadpans, and Clint abandons the stapler and starts slamming his head into the wall.

"-USIC PLAY, DO WHAT THE MUSIC SAY, GO ON AND KISS THE GUY, YOU'VE GOT T-"

"I'm doing it, Jesus Christ, shut up."

"He's trying," Coulson assures him, and they both tilt their heads as Clint continues to ram repeatedly into the wall, his voice wobbling.

From behind them, Natasha says, "Uh," and both Tony and Coulson turn.

Tony's already flushing uncomfortably- it's not a blush, goddamnit- but it starts flaring up around his neck to the point where it's prickling when he sees Steve next to Natasha, raising his eyebrows at Clint, who is currently sliding down the wall, singing weakly: "Sha-la-la-la-"

Tony squirms, and can practically feel Coulson's glare on him as Clint slurs the next line.

Steve says, "Wow. Clint's turn kind of sucks. Is he okay? What's movie is that from?"

"Oh, my god," Natasha says, looking at Coulson, who looks at Tony, who looks determinedly at the ground.

"So," Tony croaks, glaring at his feet. "Um. Sorry about this, in advance, and the next time I see Loki, I'm going to kick him in the balls."

"Go on and kiss the guuuuuy," Clint drawls from behind them, concussed. 

Steve says, "Wait, wha-"

Tony surges forward and grabs the back of his neck, dragging him down into a muffled kiss, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing for a sudden wormhole.

All in all, it's a horrible kiss that should never be experienced by anyone, ever, and involves a lot of teeth clacking and lips being squished and Steve squeaking into Tony's mouth.

Tony draws back almost immediately. "So, yep, Natasha will explain that movie to you, I'm going to le-"

Steve is gaping; his blush looks like it's spreading down his shirt, and he looks kind of torn between leaning forwards and running away, and-

"No," Clint interrupts them, wobbling to his feet, one arm around Coulson. "I refuse, I did not do that for nothing, holy shit, if anyone videoed that I am going to skewer them-"

Tony starts to turn to make a graceful and elegant exit that may or may not involve running as fast as he possibly can and tripping over his 800 dollar shoes, but is interrupted by Steve grabbing his shoulder.

Tony shoves it away. "Totally Loki's fault, sorry again, I'll send an apology letter in the mail, expect it in two to six weeks-"

Steve takes his shoulder again, and then Tony's being spun around by abnormally large hands, and Steve is grinning so hard it looks like it hurts.

Tony stares for a few seconds, because Steve's grin is enough to blind-side him on a good day, before choking, "Wait, wha-"

Steve kisses him, and it's a billion times better than before, and someone's clapping behind them, and Tony is still going to kick Loki in the balls the next time he sees him, because he's had to put up with Fury singing about forest animals, but Steve's hands are coming up to cup his face and Tony suddenly doesn't give a shit that they're going to have to catch Steve up on every single Disney movie ever made.