Tony walked into the kitchen at 2 PM. He had just woken up and was hung over but also carried a bottle of really expensive whiskey because he felt the compulsive need to drink alcohol all the time. It was like how Pepper was addicted to buying shoes, except with liquor.
“What’s up, Capsicle?” He asked, upon seeing Steve in the kitchen. Steve had a unicorn on his lap. Huh, that was new. But not really because they were The Avengers and used to wacky adventures like being deaged into kindergarteners and sex pollen, although, God, not on the same day. Tony took a swig of whiskey. Because of his daddy issues.
“Sssh!” Steve said in a mother-hennish voice. “You’ll wake my unicorn! And before you ask, there is a unicorn here because I have never,” He blushed to the roots of his hair, leaning forward to whisper, “Fondued.”
“Your mom never fondued!” Clint called from somewhere high and obscure. Probably an air vent.
“But Steve,” Tony said, taking a swig of whiskey. This one was because he secretly had low self-esteem despite being a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. “We’re married. With a kid.”
“Your momis married!” Clint’s voice rattled from the ceiling. He was probably in his nest, the adorable motherfucker, bedding down with clothes that he pilfered from everyone’s rooms because that was the only reason he knew how to show love.
“Ssssh …” Steve said. “Peter’s adopted so it’s okay.” He shifted his shield lovingly over the unicorn’s shoulder, where it was functioning as an unrealistically tiny and most likely extremely uncomfortable unicorn blanket.
“Bye Dads!” Peter, a precocious brown-haired child of indiscriminate age who looked like Andrew Garfield, not Tobey Maquire, called from the hallway. “I won’t be home after school because I’ll be busy making ou- I mean, studying with Wade Wilson, that slightly creepy older kid you don’t approve of me dating!” He scampered away, clinging to the ceiling.
“GREETINGS MY SHIELD BROTHERS AND SISTER.” Thor’s voice boomed, and you can tell that because I wrote this in all caps. He walked slowly into the room, his hair billowing behind him like a luxurious mane.
“Oh golly Miss Molly!” Steve gasped, as the unicorn began stirring on his lap.
“IF PRITHEE THOU DOEST NOT MIND, I SHALL BREAK MY FAST WITH THEE THIS GOOD MORN.” Thor continued to boom, stepping into the kitchen, oblivious to Steve’s glare as he is oblivious to all things. “MMMM POPTARTS.” He grabbed a box of poptarts as big as an SUV and used his hammer to open the box. Nevermind that that was an impractical and dangerous method, setting fire to most of the kitchen and reducing the poptarts themselves to a pulp. At least he didn’t try using the toaster. “ALAS POPTARTS, THOU HAST PERISHED IN A MOST HEROIC MANNER. I SHALL SCRIBE A BALLAD TO THEE.” Thor scooped up a fistful of fluffy, googy, frosting’d poptarty goodness. “THOU ART MY LOVE AND MY ONLY LOVE, AND I WISH TO COPULATE WITH THEE.”
“Uh, Thor.” Tony said, taking a swig of whiskey. Because ever since Afghanistan he’s had trouble sleeping or being trapped in tight, dark spaces, or having his arc reactor touched (except by Steve) without having a flashback. “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
“DOES IT NOT MEAN THAT I WILL SPILL MY MANLY SEED WITHIN THIS POPTART’S SWEET, SWEET STRAWBERRY FILLING?” Thor cocked his head, looking for all the world like a giant, lovable, idiotic golden retriever.
“Okay, carry on.” Tony said, after a swig of whiskey because even Kim Kardashian’s sex tape got more hits than his.
“T-Thor?” Jane’s impossibly large anime eyes began to tear up. “Y-you want to have a sex life outside of kissing my hand?”
“I got this, guys.” Darcy said, and tazed him. By the way, she has slept with all the male Avengers and also the female one, as well as the hot SHIELD agents including Galaga Guy, but she’s totally not a self-insert character so that’s okay.
“Whatever.” Tony took a swig of whiskey. Because he was an alcoholic. “I’m going to go be science bros with Bruce.”
“What?” Bruce walked into the room and immediately hulked out.
“I think I’m due for my cameo.” Natasha said, looking scarily, sexily emotionless and simply covered in knives.
“Loki! Stop trying to have sex with my unicorn!” Steve yelled.
Loki, who was a beautiful, misunderstood prince of lies and was way more qualified than Thor in everything and also misunderstood, stood quickly with tears in his beautiful dark eyes. “Oh my god, stop bullying me! I DO WHAT I WANT!”
Then he threw Tony out the window and ran away.
“Hi, everyone.” Coulson walked into the room. “I’m alive, by the way.”