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How Everything Breaks

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They'd been fighting for a while now. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was that Loki was practically living with him now, maybe it was the fact that high school was so close to being over, who knows. But whatever it was, Tony hated it. He hated getting into these heated arguements about nothing and everything with Loki. He hated having to hide Loki in his room whenever his father was home because otherwise he'd surely be beaten worse, but there was no way he was sending Loki back to Odin. He pushed through it.

Sort of.

He'd started to notice when Loki wouldn't crawl in as close to him in bed like he used to. He'd noticed when he'd walk past him in the hallways. Whenever he called him on it he'd claim it was just school stuff that was driving him insane but Tony didn't buy it. But why? Why would this be happening now? Things had been going good, better than good actually, but all of a sudden they downturned.

Ever since he and Loki had been labeled as a couple, Tony stopped his underage drinking. Loki caused so much happiness in his life and he hadn't felt the need for the release of alcohol anymore. Only on very rare occasions when Loki wasn't around and Howard was driving him mad.

Either way, Tony needed to find out why Loki was so upset and was acting so strange towards him. And the sooner the better.

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Loki hadn't really realized that he was drifting away from Tony. Well, maybe he had in some far back, hidden corner of his brain, but he wasn't thinking about it. It was Tony's last year of high school now. Loki still had one year left. He'd been hoping that his grades would be enough to bring him into his senior year, but things had happened to stop that.

Thor had moved out and was going to college somewhere that Loki had forgotten. Maybe it was the same place as Sif but he couldn't be sure. Loki had practically moved out of the house and was living with Tony, who now had his own apartment because he couldn't stand his old man and because Loki was over too much to stay in the house. It was small and most of the time it housed Loki, Tony, Clint, and Steve, who had graduated but stayed at college in the area. The two others shared an apartment but it was much more fun to stay with Tony and Loki.

Loki started to realize why he was forcing himself to drift away from the man who he was certain he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Tony's a genius and Loki knows that he's going to go to some fancy college next year and it'll be out of the area where Loki can reach him. He's drifting because he knows it's going to end. It's better to try to make it less painful.

Loki was mentally beating himself up over this. He knew Tony noticed, in fact he'd asked him about it a few times but Loki had just said it was school stuff. Tony would agree but Loki knew he didn't believe him. Loki wished he could just stay and enjoy the last year they had together but his brain didn't work like that. He had to distance himself otherwise he'd completely fall apart when it ended.

He wished that Tony would notice that this wasn't going to last forever.

He wished he had someone who he could talk to about this, but there was no one.

He wished that they were the same age so that this wasn't happening.

But wishes didn't matter. They never came true anyway.

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"Loki cut the crap, why do you keep acting strange towards me now?" Tony asked when he'd finally gotten too fed up with Loki's behavior. "And don't tell me it's school, because I had those teachers and there isnt anything to be stressed about."

Loki tried to stop himself but he couldn't so he put his face in his hands to hide from Tony. He was guilty. Horribly, disgustingly guilty of making it seem like Tony meant nothing to him now. The truth was he meant everything and that's why he had to do what he's doing. 

"Do you see us lasting over the summer?" Loki asked without raising his head. He couldnt look at Tony when he said this. 

Tony hesitated. "Yes. Do you?"

Loki shook his head in frustratation. "I want to. Tony I want us to last so badly but you can see that this isn't going to happen. You're going to college next year! You're going to move away and youre going to find girls and guys who become your new friends and you're going to forget. I know you are, I don't blame you, but I have to think that if you're gone, I'll have to try to find a way to move on too. The only way for me to do that is to end it before you leave."

Loki despised himself for having to say it. He hated himself to the deepest depths of his you'll for hurting Tony and himself this way. When Tony didn't respond for what felt like hours he hated himself more. 

The man had literally taken him in. And now he was breaking him.

"You're insane, Loki," Tony said after what was probably only a minute or two. That made Loki look at him questioningly and Tony grimaced. "What is wrong with you that you think I'd leave you. Or forget you for that matter. Loki I love you, okay? Love you. I've never loved anyone before and really it's pretty freaky for me to have feelings this intense. I will never forget you, Loki. And yeah, I'll probably go to college, but that doesn't matter. We'll stay together, long distance I don't care. I won't let you go."

"Tony, this is insane you know that won't-"

"Loki! Listen to me! I'm not leaving you or forgetting you or whatever the hell else youll think I'll do!" Tony exclaimed and Loki was so glad that Clint and Steve weren't around. 

"Tony, I'm sorry. . ." Loki whispered.

He could see his heart breaking. He could see in his eyes, how cold and lost they got. Loki could see the tear that dared to fall from his lashes but Tony held it back. He wasn't going to waste his tears on him. 

"I'm going out," Tony said as he stood and passed Loki. He could hear the door shake the frame behind him and started crying instantly. 

Loki had felt pain, oh he'd felt pain alright, but nothing compared to this. Nothing hurt as bad as loosing something that was that close to you. 

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He drank. And he drank. And he drank. And he felt the sorrows begin to lift from him. He didn't need nearly as much alcohol to get wasted as he used to, he'd gotten out of alcohol so now the slightest bit got him going. The liquid felt so good, numbing him and letting him get away from the horrible, aching sensation he felt in his heart.

Loki's a lunatic. It's just going to take him some time to get over this. He'd keep telling himself but it was no use. He bought a bottle of vodka and headed home, praying that Loki would get the hint and head back to his own house. He didn't want to leave him with Odin, but he wasn't going to let him stay any longer.

He didn't drive home, he was smart enough not to, so it took twenty minutes and lots of very wobbly steps over sidewalks and the edges of peoples lawns. The night was cool and crisp and felt good against his body which seemed to be burning up under the affect of the alcohol. Walking up the stairs to his apartment he got out his key and let himself in. Steve and Clint weren't there, and neither was Loki.

Slouching onto the couch Tony groaned at the uncomfortable feeling in his back, not knowing where it came from at the moment. He opened the bottle and started chugging it, knowing instantly it was an awful idea when he was forced to run to the bathroom to empty his stomach. Leaning his head against the cool toilet bowl he let himself get ready for the difficult night ahead.

 

~*~

 

Loki had gone back to his house, knowing that Tony wouldn't be pleased to see him there when he came back. If he came back. Frigga had smiled and welcomed Loki back happily, saying that he could stay as long as he wished. Odin nodded curtly but said nothing. Frigga mentioned that Thor might be coming back to town for a few days and Loki had to fake a smile just so that she knew something hadn't gone wrong. He didn't want to talk about it. Even with her.

Loki excused himself to his room and locked the door, not wanting Frigga's attention for the remainder of the night. Loki's room had become bare since he'd unofficially moved in with Tony. All that remained were a few shelves, holding books, figures, and other miscellaneous things that Loki hadn't needed to bring with, the bed, and a desk which still had papers strewn across it from school.

He laid down on his bed, letting himself sink into the comforters that reminded him of a time when things were simpler. A time before adolescence, before Thor threw him away and treated him like he didn't exist. A time before he started to cut himself because the pain of rejection from Odin, Thor, and the kids at school was too much to take. A time before he'd let Tony into his heart, knowing that someday it would result in pain.

He wished he hadn't let himself get used to the feeling of happiness, because after that everything hurt worse than it had before.

Loki cried silently through the night, watching out his window as the stars glistening at him and thinking that maybe, just maybe, he'd see Tony's face again, climbing up through the treetops to visit him. He knew it wasn't going to happen, but he still hoped and thought that maybe it could.

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It's a week before Loki hears about Tony again. And then he wished he hadn't once he did.

"Have you seen or heard from Tony lately?" Steve asked over the phone one day about two weeks after the 'break up'. Loki hadn't expected him to call of all people. And shouldn't he have seen Tony if he'd stayed at the apartment?

Suddenly Loki felt his stomach flip and had to remind himself to breathe. What if Tony hadn't gone home?

"No. We had some. . . Falling out issues. Why, haven't you seen him?" Loki asked, the worry dripping in his voice.

"No, Clint and I have been really busy and we haven't been over to your apartment in a while. We were just wondering because we haven't seen him around at all," Steve said. Steve and Tony had always been close, Loki knew that and frankly he'd been a bit jealous of Steve towards the beginning of their relationship, so Loki suspected Steve would be the first one Tony would go to.

"Let me call Natasha, hold on," Loki said and took the phone from his ear to dial in Tasha's number, waiting three rings before she answered. "Where's Tony?"

"I don't know, Loki. I haven't seen or heard from him in a while," Natasha said. Loki had taken a liking to Natasha lately mostly because she was quick witted and slightly scary. She always knew everything about everyone, even if the person didn't know it themselves.

"Has Bruce seen him?" Loki asked, filing the information quickly.

"No. He's been with me all weekend," Natasha said. Natasha and Bruce had been together for a while, and Bruce had come down with an illness over the last few months. Natasha had basically had to quit school to take care of him. Loki had forgotten about it until now.

"Oh, Tasha I'm so sorry," Loki said and he could almost see Natasha hold up her hand to stop him.

"Don't be. He's getting better. We'll be okay," Natasha said, her voice strong no matter what she felt. "What happened with you and Tony?"

Loki was silent, not knowing, and not really wanting to know how Natasha had found out. "We broke up. Or took a break I guess, we just need some time apart."

"I understand," Natasha deadpanned. "If I were you I'd go check on Tony now."

Loki nodded to himself. "I will. Thank you, Tasha." With that the other line cut.

Loki called Steve back on the way to his car, passing Thor and Sif who were cuddled on the couch together, to tell him he was going to check at the apartment.

When he got there he knocked over and over but there was no answer. "Tony?" He called into the door and still there was no response. He probably should have just left then, Tony obviously didn't want to see him, but he couldn't. Bending down and taking the spare key from under the rug he opened the door. The lights were all turned off but there was a disgusting smell of liquor, urine, and vomit. "Tony?" He called again. He turned the corner to the bathroom and there he was, lying against the bath tub, vomit covering his clothing and five empty vodka bottles next to him.

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"Tony!" Loki screamed, not sure how he'd managed to find his voice in shock. The man on the floor had is eyes open but only just, and when Loki reached him, he retched a little on himself. "Tony? Tony, can you hear me?" Loki said, searching Tony's face for any answer. The man made no move as if he'd heard or understood, so Loki shook his shoulders.

That seemed to get his attention at least.

"Lok-eye?" Tony slurred, his tone raspy and damaged, exactly how he should sound for throwing up and being drunk.

"Tony, what the hell did you do? What's wrong?" Loki said, the tears dripping down his face and onto Tony's dirtied shirt.

"I jus hada bi ta dwik. . ." Tony said, his head slouching against the toilet boil and actually getting his vomit into the toilet this time.

"Tony come on, we need to get you to a hospital," Loki said, trying to carefully stand the man up and put his arm under his shoulder. "Come on, Tony. Try to walk."

Tony's feet moved lightly, more like skating against the wooden floor than actually walking. Tony was coughing up random bits of stomach acid, there was nothing left in his stomach to get rid of. Loki eventually managed to get them both to the door, lifting Tony off his feet slightly to guide him down the stairs. The small staircase had never seemed that difficult. Finally he got down the stairs, trying not to tone in to deeply on Tony's mutterings. He couldn't understand it anyway.

"Tony, it'll be alright, we've just got to get you to the hospital." Loki buckled him into the backseat and let him lay down, not really caring if he needed to empty his stomach against the old seats. Loki got into the front seat and started to drive, getting out his phone and calling Steve on the way, tears strangling his speech.

"I'll be there as fast as I can," Steve said and hung up. Loki started coughing when the tears got into his throat. He couldn't remember ever being this nervous and scared in his life. Something was seriously wrong with Tony, it was past the point of being a simple hangover, and from the looks of it, he hadn't eaten or drunk anything since the last time they'd spoke. Other than alcohol maybe.

And he didn't care if he wasn't Tony's anymore. He still loved Tony, no matter what.

After what seemed like forever and a gallon of tears, he got to the hospital. Waiting outside were Steve, Thor, and Clint, all helping Loki to get Tony out of the car and into the hospital. They had to wait in the lobby. They had to wait in the lobby. Tony was starting to stop barfing less, and he was sweating horribly against Loki's shoulder, which he now was leaning against. Loki hadn't stopped crying and Thor kept handing him tissues. Steve was trying to get a nurse or doctor to get Tony in sooner and Loki was so angry that no one was paying attention to the man who obviously was seriously ill.

After the world seemed to spin too much, and Loki thought he was going to throw up himself in anger, he left Tony's side, with the intention to scream at someone to get him medical attention, but then a hand stopped him cold on his wrist.

"Lok-eye," Tony muttered, his eyes were watering and sweat was flowing down his face in sheets, but he looked like Tony and it made Loki's tears increase.

"Tony, Tony it's okay, I'm here," Loki murmured, coming back to him and sitting down, letting the man rest his head on his shoulder again. Loki kissed his forehead and felt Tony's breath calm, relaxing him a little bit. If Tony was feeling at least a little better, then so was he.

After about an hour, a doctor finally came to see Tony. They carted him off, and Tony growled when they discarded him from Loki, but was led down a hallway to a hospital room. The four of the boys stayed in the hospital for the rest of the night, not daring to leave Tony.

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It's two days later when Tony is released from the hospital. The doctor says he has to be kept fed and get a lot more water because of his dehydration, but other than that he's fine. Loki's releaved, of course. He'd visited him in the hospital the day after the first night, but Tony was asleep. He had so many things to tell him, so many hard, complicated things that he needed to tell him, but he couldn't.

Seeing Tony so fragile and broken and weak made Loki realize that was really no way they could stay apart from each other. Loki needed Tony and Tony needed Loki. Loki noticed the growl that Stark emitted when the doctors took him away for the night, the way he clung to Loki's hand like it was the only thing that mattered to him.

He needed to tell Tony that no matter what happened after the year was over, they'd stay together, because frankly, they couldn't be apart.

Loki's there when he comes hobbling out of the hospital room, bags under his eyes, ruffled hair, and clean clothes. He gives a weak smile when he sees Loki and the slimmer can't stop the tears that bubble into his eyes. He runs forward and encases the weakened man in a hug, smiling against his neck and kissing his cheek. Tony laughs and his voice sounds so hoarse and tired but he doesn't seem to mind, he hugs Loki back and Loki can feel the tears on his shoulder blade.

Loki wipes his eyes clumsily before releasing Tony and smiles at him. "Don't ever do that to me again," he scolds and pokes Tony's nose.

Tony smirks. "Don't you ever do that to me again," he says and kisses Loki softly. Loki could have taken him right there he was so happy that things were okay now, well maybe not entirely, but they were getting there. He smiled against Tony's lips and let his hands rest lazily on his waist. Tony broke it and smiled sadly at Loki. "Come on, let's go home."

Loki drove him home in silence, they were going to have to talk once they got back to the apartment so he saved his breath. The ride seemed to take forever in the eerie, quiet cab, but Loki didn't mind, he was just glad that Tony was okay.

Steve, Clint, Thor, Sif, Natasha, and Bruce were waiting when Loki opened the door with Tony leaning against his side for support. They all sent smiles and glad wishes Tony's way and were thankful that he was alright. Tony answered them all in good humor and smiles and hugs, but Loki noticed that he wasn't entirely happy about the whole situation.

Natasha and Bruce were the first to leave, the only reason was Bruce's health which they all knew of but never spoke about. Thor and Sif were next, saying they needed to catch the plane back to Australia in the morning for the next semester. Clint and Steve stayed and watched a movie with Tony and Loki in silence, and left afterwards, for which Loki was more greatful than he could say.

Once they were gone, Tony turned to Loki on the couch and raised an eyebrow. "How do you feel?"

Loki lifted an eyebrow in confusion and shook his head slightly. "Um, fine, how do you feel?"

"I mean about us," Tony said and moved his face closer to Loki's. His breath smelled like coffee and water (If it was even possible for that to have a smell.) and Loki drunk it in, it smelled so much like Tony.

Loki looked into the other mans deep brown eyes, making sure that Tony was positive that Loki was telling the truth. "I can't live without you, Tony. I never really thought I could. But now, seeing you so helpless, I realized there was no way I can be apart from you."

Tony nodded. "I was hoping you'd say that."

"What about you, then?"

"I feel the same. I was at a loss when you said you wanted to end it, I mean I know that we haven't been getting along the greatest lately, but still I thought that-"

"Tony, I understand," Loki said with a meaningful smile that Tony returned.

"See, that's what you're here for," Tony kissed Loki's nose like he had the night of the dance all those years ago, and Loki felt like he could float at the idea that Tony had returned to him afterall.