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So Bad It's Good

Summary:

You really can buy anything on the internet.

Notes:

The idea of Bull discovering Bad Dragon had occurred to me, but after I saw this art, I just had to write it.

(See the end of the work for other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter Text

It's ultimately Dorian's fault, even though he doesn't know it.

"Fuck," he pants, grinding down on Bull's cock. "Fuck, I missed this."

"You're so tight," Bull says, his teeth clenched. "Didn't get up to much while I was gone?"

"Hah," Dorian says, nothing more than a puff of breath. "I think I got off all of twice."

"I'm surprised," Bull says, wrapping his hands around Dorian's hips and urging him to move. "Thought you'd get out your toy to keep you company."

"Do you know, I actually tried?" Dorian says. "You've ruined me. I spent fifty dollars on that thing and now it's the wrong shape." He puts his arms around Bull's neck. "Nothing satisfies me like your cock."

Bull rolled them over, putting Dorian's legs around his waist. "Then I guess I better give you as much as you can stand."

And for most people that would be all, a statement from the heat of the moment, and indeed, Dorian forgets entirely that he made it.

A few weeks later, he's sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book and distractedly eating lunch. The doorbell rings; he's just about to get up when he hears the door open, followed by Bull speaking to the postman and then shutting the door.

Dorian goes back to his book, but before he can turn a page, Bull comes bounding in, bearing a package.

"It finally came," Bull says, putting the box down on the table.

"What is it?" Dorian asks. "Did you buy more knives from eBay?"

"Not this time," Bull says. He slits open the packaging tape with his thumbnail. "You're gonna love it."

"You have my interest," Dorian says, as Bull digs through the filler and unearths his prize. It takes a moment to unwrap, but finally Bull gets it open, reaching over and planting it in front of Dorian.

Dorian stares for a long moment.

"That's a qunari dildo, isn't it," Dorian says, because he doesn't know quite what else to say.

"Yep," Bull says proudly.

Dorian takes a moment to evaluate his life, up to and including the fact that he recognized the shape immediately, even though the thing is a pink-red ombre in color. But no, Dorian definitely recognizes it- slightly tapered shaft, head more flared than a human's, just like Bull's.

"I thought you might want something a little more appropriate to keep you company while I'm away," Bull says, wrapping his arms around Dorian from behind and leaning down to speak in his ear.

"It's-" Dorian pauses, looking for a tactful way to say 'fucking huge.' "Rather generous, don't you think?"

"I measured before I ordered," Bull says. "It's only half an inch longer than mine."

"That can't be right," Dorian scoffs. "It's enormous."

Bull reaches over, putting his hand around the base of it, and now it looks less intimidating. "Optical illusion." He kisses the side of Dorian's face. "Plus you're just that good, kadan."

Dorian runs a finger along the length of the thing. "It certainly is interesting," he says.

"Oh, I think it'll hold your interest," Bull says. "Plus the bottom is a suction cup, so you could put it on the floor or the wall if you needed your hands free."

Dorian arches an eyebrow at him. "Why would I need my hands free?"

"Maybe if you wanted to take photos or video," Bull suggests. "Make it your own." He lets Dorian go, going back to the package. "But wait, there's more."

"I'm anxious to see what other surprises you have," Dorian says.

Bull digs around in the package again and pulls out a bottle full of milky white liquid, shaking it up and setting it on the table. "Some lube that's supposed to look like come."

"A little disgusting, yet somehow intriguing," Dorian allows.

"And this," Bull says, tearing into another package. What he pulls out is fairly small, textured, and roughly phallic, but it's hollow, with a ring attached to one end.

"You've stumped me," Dorian says.

"It's a dragon cocksheath," Bull explains proudly, putting his fingers into it. "You put it over your cock, put your balls through the ring, and bam, dragon dick."

"I see," Dorian says warily.

"I'm going to put it on," Bull says, putting his hand on the back of Dorian's chair and caging him in, "then I'm going to fuck you-" he leans down, bare inches from Dorian's face- "just like a big, strong, fiery dragon."

Dorian's lip twitches.

Bull sighs, pulling back. "You came so close to keeping a straight face."

"I'm sorry," Dorian says, laughing despite himself. "I just- it's a bit absurd, isn't it?"

"That doesn't mean it's not hot," Bull says, and the way he very slightly pouts is more adorable than it should be.

Dorian stands up, putting his arms around Bull's neck and pulling him down for an apology kiss. "If it's what you want, I'll be a willing participant," Dorian promises. "Who am I in this fantasy, exactly? Am I me? An innocent wanderer in a dragon's path?" He pauses, unsure he wants to offer what he's about to. "Also a dragon?"

Bull growls in approval. "That's hot."

"So no talking, I suppose," Dorian says.

"Think dragony thoughts," Bull says.

"I'm not sure what dragons think about," Dorian replies.

Bull runs his hands down Dorian's back, stopping to grab his ass and drag him closer. "I can tell you what I'll be thinking about," Bull says into his ear.

"You're thinking about it most of the time," Dorian says, kissing him again before he lets go. "Tonight, then."

"Tonight," Bull says, turning Dorian loose. He picks up his various new sexual accouterments, and Dorian resolutely doesn't laugh at how he looks holding it all. "Remember, think dragon."

"I doubt I'll think of much else," Dorian says, but Bull is already leaving.

Well. This is guaranteed to be an adventure, no matter what happens.