Staring at the glowing monitor,
I take off my glasses, carefully set them down
A heavy sigh escapes me
Not just physically.
I'm tired of everything knocking me down.
Getting back up seems hardly worth it.
The emotional toll of the job creeps up,
I try to ignore it, but to no avail,
No escaping the panic seizing me,
Taking me over, quickly and easily,
Struggling to fight only makes it worse.
My breaths get deep and labored.
I can't breathe,
Violent sobs come from nowhere,
They don't even seem to be coming from my body.
What's wrong with me?
I'm usually good at holding it back.
Not this time.
My careful planning failing miserably.
Try to put my head between my legs,
But the pain is unbearable.
I snap my head back against the chair and scream.
Death seems to fly in through the windows,
Their faces haunt me,
All those I couldn't save.
I gasp for air, but get very little.
Fluid seemed to fill my skull,
My brain now floating,
Not calm and collected as usual.
It's for the best.
I'm tired of thinking anyhow.
It seems to get me nowhere.
Warm, salty water flows down my cheeks
I hate crying,
Loathe my own weakness,
Shut up! I yell at myself internally.
No one's around.
No one cares.
My violent shaking starts to subside.
I know it's not true.
Footsteps surprise me as a figure appears,
The image of a handsome, tall, charming man.
"Harold?" he asks concerned.
No doubt he's been standing there for a while.
Closing my eyes I try to will him to leave.
I didn't want him to see me like this.
Before long he's standing next to me,
An unexpected hand grips my shoulder.
I wince; not from pain.
His tenderness and fear radiates towards me.
"You should have knocked."
"You wouldn't have let me in."
His words are the truth.
When I finally open my eyes,
The dim light casts shadows upon his face,
My heart plummets when I see his tears,
Some fresh, others already drying.
Someone does care.
His eyes look as pained as mine.
They seem to say: "I know."
I guess I had never noticed it before.
How could I be so selfish? So stupid?
He seems to be thinking the same thing.
What a relief,
We were both a little blind.
Without a word his strong arms engulf me,
Pull me to his chest in one swift motion.
First my insticts are to push away,
But my heart scolds for even thinking such a thing.
My own arms grab him back longingly.
I need this.
We need this.
If this moment could last forever I'd let it.
All my anxiety and hopelessness now gone,
Replaced with a much stronger, beautiful emotion.
Something I hadn't felt in a long time.
The tears come back,
His own sobs break me down further.
He had an annoying way of doing that,
But I was gracious for it.
"Don't let go, John. Don't ever let go,"
My mouth says without realizing it.
Damn. I shouldn't have said that.
"I never want to,"
Reese admits, and I long to kiss him for it,
And instead of just thinking about it,
It's not like in the movies,
As it was the awkward first,
But it did just fine.
Neither of us was sure what to do,
Basking in the glory nonetheless.
We pull apart slowly, then stand up,
Both of use regaining composure.
The gears start to turn again,
But this time from excitement.
"Ready to go?" I ask hopeful,
He smiles at me cockeyed.
"Go where?" his usual flirty manner shining through.
His question obviously has a double meaning.
It seems there's only one way this could go,
And it's the way we both want.
I have to be honest with him,
And not because I told him I would.
"I don't know, John, but we'll figure it out."