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Klexting

Chapter Text

Kurt: What are you doing?

Blaine: Zyzzyva.

Kurt: What's a zyzzyva?

Blaine: Don't you know what a zyzzyva is? :O

Kurt: No… should I?

Blaine: But of course.

Kurt: Fine. What is a zyzzyva?

Blaine: …

Kurt: What are you doing?

Blaine: …

Kurt: Why are you texting me lots of triple dots?

Blaine: Because you didn't ask.

Kurt: Yes, I did! I specifically asked, 'what is a zyzzyva'?

Blaine: You didn't ask properly.

Kurt: Great. Blaine, I'll love you forever if you tell me what a zyzzyva is.

Blaine: Already been there. You said that if I told you what a hogget was.

Kurt: No I didn't!

Blaine: Yeah, you did.

Kurt: Oh damn, I did as well.

Blaine: Ha. Anyway, we're going out. You already love me forever.

Kurt: Touché.

Blaine: Are you sure you don't want to know what a zyzzyva is?

Kurt: Very.

Blaine: You know you do, really.

Kurt: Ummm…

Blaine: ZYZZYVA.

Kurt: The use of capitals doesn't change the situation.

Blaine: ZYZZYVA.

Kurt: Not changing.

Blaine: ZYZZYVAAAAAAAAA.

Blaine: ZYZZYVAAAAAAAAA.

Blaine: ZYZZYVAAAAAAAAA.

Blaine: ZYZZYVAAAAAAAAA.

Blaine: ZYZZYVAAAAAAAAA.

Kurt: Please stop spamming my texts.

Blaine: Why should I?

Kurt: You're not going to stop until I ask, are you?

Blaine: That's for my knowledge only.

Kurt: You're so infuriating sometimes.

Blaine: And that's why you love me.

Kurt: Fine. Blaine. Please tell me what a zyzzyva is.

Blaine: There we go. A zyzzyva is a tropical American weevil.

Kurt: That was not worth this conversation.

Blaine: Oh, but it was.

Kurt: No. It is only trumped by tamaraw which I spent about $3 on texts to find out and it turned out to be a water buffalo.

Blaine: That was hilarious.

Kurt: Where do you actually learn all of these useless names?

Blaine: Biology.

Kurt: My Biology classes were never that weird.

Blaine: Yes, but you're a sophomore and I'm a junior.

Kurt: You're saying that we do the boring stuff in sophomore year then the pointless stuff in junior.

Blaine: Yeah.

Kurt: This is a colossal waste of my money.

Blaine: That you could be spending on clothes?

Kurt: No!

Blaine: Sure.

Kurt: Maybe.

Blaine: If you say so.

Kurt: Fine, yes, I could be spending it on clothes.

Blaine: But surely talking to your boyfriend is more fulfilling?

Kurt: Not when he's talking about zyzzyva. What's the plural of that? Zyzzyvas? Zyzzyvae?

Blaine: Honestly, Kurt. It's zyzzyve.

Kurt: Now you're just being silly.

Blaine: Yes I am.

Kurt: I'll see you at the weekend, Blaine. GOODNIGHT.

Chapter Text

Kurt: Save me. Save me now.

Blaine: Why?

Kurt: It's 3:30.

Blaine: Yes… well done…

Kurt: You're missing the point.

Blaine: You haven't made one.

Kurt: 3:30. Berry Hissy Fit Time. BHFT.

Blaine: You have a BHFT?

Kurt: It was only Finn's horror. But then they broke up. So now it's just my horror.

Blaine: Just yours?

Kurt: Apparently I'm a good person to rant to. And everyone sees it coming. They run a mile away. Leaving me to deal with her. Cos they're lovely people.

Blaine: Not all the time. You can be a right bitch when you want to be.

Kurt: Yes. Oh God, one second.

Blaine: You still alive?

Blaine: Kurt?

Blaine: Hello?

Blaine: Has she bitten your head off?

Blaine: Should I start arranging your funeral?

Kurt: Yes, hi, hi, yes, not yet.

Blaine: Oh, good. What happened?

Kurt: She shouted. I didn't listen. She sent me to Coventry. Again. They (the ND cowards) returned.

Blaine: Aaaah.

Kurt: How's Biology going?

Blaine: Zyzzyva.

Kurt: Stop.

Blaine: Hogget.

Kurt: I don't care.

Blaine: You do.

Kurt: I really don't.

Blaine: Dottie.

Kurt: No.

Blaine: Emmet.

Kurt: Not listening.

Blaine: Kereru.

Kurt: I really don't care.

Blaine: Yes, you do. PERCHERON.

Kurt: Oh, my God. This is worse than BHFT.

Blaine: The burn is tremendous(!)

Kurt: Oi. I dislike having the Sarcasm King title ripped from my hands.

Blaine: Do you?

Kurt: Yes.

Blaine: Then I promise to never rip your title from your hands again.

Kurt: Yay.

Blaine: Ouzel.

Kurt: Please, stop.

Blaine: Why should I?

Kurt: I'm trying to do Calculus.

Blaine: What question are you on?

Kurt: 5.

Kurt: Out of 15, before you ask.

Blaine: Here are the remaining answers. 5, 7, 12.5, 0, 2/0.5, reciprocal, 74, 1, 876543, because Paul earns a higher ratio.

Kurt: What was that? Paul definitely does not earn a higher ratio.

Blaine: I'm providing you with Calculus answers!

Kurt: Dare I ask why?

Blaine: So you finish quicker.

Kurt: I'm not coming up to Dalton.

Blaine: Aww, please?

Kurt: No.

Blaine: Your Calculus is easy, though. And I just gave you all the answers!

Kurt: You should be learning Biology. PAUL IS NOT IN MY CALCULUS TEXTBOOK! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO PAUL IS!

Blaine: I've finished Biology.

Kurt: You've finished annoying me with your weird animal names, that is true.

Blaine: Exactly! That's all I have to learn!

Kurt: Uh-oh. Berry calling. Another BHFT, I think.

Blaine: Oh how I'd love to be you.

Kurt: OI! Remember the Sarcasm King title here, Blaine Mark Anderson?

Blaine: Remembered and in my hands at Dalton. If you want it back you're going to have to come up and get it.

Kurt: Nope.

Blaine: You know you want to, really.

Kurt: Nope.

Blaine: Spoilsport.

Kurt: I'm going now. See you at the weekend. K xx

Blaine: Can't wait. Night. xx

Chapter Text

Blaine: You up?

Kurt: I wasn't. Now I am.

Blaine: Oh, God, I'm sorry!

Kurt: It's fine, my alarm goes off in ten minutes anyway. 2 hour moisturising routine.

Blaine: It's really not necessary, Kurt, you look beautiful as you are.

Kurt: Thank you, but it really is necessary. You never know what you could be subjecting yourself to until later on.

Blaine: Fine, fine, it is necessary.

Kurt: Good. Blaine?

Blaine: Yeah?

Kurt: Please stop sending me weird animal names.

Blaine: Don't you want to know what they mean?

Kurt: No, but yes at the same time. Oh just tell me.

Blaine: Emmet is an ant.

Kurt: WHAT?

Blaine: Want me to continue?

Kurt: You got me annoyed… over an ant?

Blaine: It's a special type of ant.

Kurt: It's an ant, Blaine.

Blaine: Ants are important!

Kurt: Can we stop talking about ants now?

Blaine: Fine by me. You're the one who started talking about ants, if you remember.

Kurt: Ant conversation really not necessary.

Blaine: If you're sure.

Kurt: I'm sure.

Blaine: OK then.

Kurt: Good. Now, why'd you text me?

Blaine: Cos I'm bored.

Kurt: You do realise I have this need to respond to texts, and so by being bored you are bankrupting me.

Blaine: You could just get an unlimited plan.

Kurt: Yes, but they're expensive!

Blaine: You transferred to Dalton, Kurt. The bills here aren't exactly cheap.

Kurt: That was a sacrifice, though! That was because I was being bullied! To pay that much just for me to talk to my boyfriend seems a little excessive.

Blaine: You do have a point.

Kurt: Thank you. Now go and do something useful with your life.

Blaine: I am.

Kurt: Talking to me isn't useful, Blaine.

Blaine: Au contraire, I rather think it is.

Kurt: It's not. Is it helping you get qualifications for a job? No. Now I really think you should go do some homework or something.

Blaine: Spoilsport.

Kurt: Always. ;)

Blaine: Fine, I'll go do some… work.

Kurt: Good. Talk to you soon.

Blaine: Hey Kurt, it's Blaine here.

Kurt: Yes, I know… aren't you meant to be studying?

Blaine: Nope, free period.

Kurt: Didn't you just have a free period…?

Blaine: Double… free period…

Kurt: You feeling alright?

Blaine: Oh, yes! Absolutely. I just wanted to tell you… I LUUUUUUUUUURVE you, Kurtie.

Kurt: Blaine. I really think you should go have a lie down or something…

Blaine: Oh, my God, Kurt, I'm so sorry. That was Wes and David, who somehow managed to steal my phone.

Kurt: Do you actually have a free period?

Blaine: Yeah, actually a Warblers off-timetable rehearsal.

Kurt: Shouldn't you be… practising?

Blaine: Nope.

Kurt: Why not?

Blaine: If Wes and David find the time during practice- when they're the panel and are meant to be overseeing everything- then I can find time to text my gorgeous boyfriend.

Kurt: But if they see you texting…

Blaine: Yes, I know, they'll steal the phone again. Just be on your guard. If it's immature, it's them.

Kurt: OK.

Blaine: Had… a lotta… alcopops today… and think I'll… drive up…

Kurt: WES GIVE BLAINE HIS PHONE BACK

Blaine: Aww you're no fun when he tells you.

Kurt: It's in the job description, Wes. Boyfriend.

Blaine: You're very preeetttty… purty…. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEY.

Kurt: Wes, I didn't say give David Blaine's phone. I said- do I really have to spell it out for you?

Blaine: Yep! :D

Kurt: Could you get any more immature? I told you to give BLAINE BLAINE'S phone back. NOW. Before you invoke the wrath of the boyfriend.

Blaine: Hey. Me again. As in, Blaine Mark Anderson, not Wesley or David.

Kurt: Thank you.

Blaine: They didn't…

Kurt: Yeah, they did.

Blaine: Did you mean it, about the wrath?

Kurt: I might've.

Blaine: Awww, c'mon Kurt.

Kurt: I don't know if they're gonna steal your phone again! I'm not saying anything that gives them the advantage.

Blaine: They won't. Of course they won't. Cos I trust them. Wes and David are the two friendliest people you will ever meet, and they deserve all my love and should not be victimised by your cruel, cruel words, Kurt Hummel. Shame on you, Kurt Hummel, shame on you.

Kurt: WESLEY DAVID IF YOU DO NOT GIVE BLAINE HIS PHONE RIGHT NOW I SHALL DO SOMETHING VERY BITCHY WHICH I WILL PROBABLY REGRET.

Blaine: That worked. Thanks. OK, we really are practising now, so I'll talk to you soon. xx

Chapter Text

Kurt: Can't sleep, Blaine.

Kurt: Blaine.

Kurt: Blainey.

Kurt: I'm an insomniac.

Kurt: BLAINE.

Kurt: Please text me.

Kurt: BLAINE.

Kurt: Bl ine.

Kurt: Blainey.

Kurt: I don't like insomnia.

Kurt: ANDERSON.

Kurt: Blaine.

Kurt: Blaine Mark Anderson.

Kurt: Can't sleep.

Blaine: If you're quite done spamming all my texts.

Kurt: Hi!

Blaine: It's 2 in the morning. I could be asleep. I should be asleep.

Kurt: Why aren't you?

Blaine: Because my phone kept dinging. Do you know why my phone kept dinging, Kurt? Because you kept spamming it.

Kurt: But I was bored. And an insomniac.

Blaine: Kurt, you are not an insomniac.

Kurt: How do you know?

Blaine: I've seen you sleep.

Kurt: No, I'm definitely an insomniac.

Blaine: You are NOT an insomniac.

Kurt: Am.

Blaine: You forgot the subject. All sentences need at least a subject and a verb.

Kurt: Not in Latin. In Latin the ending tells you the subject, and you can just have the verb.

Blaine: Yes, but we're not Roman. Wait- when did you learn Latin?

Kurt: …

Blaine: Kurt.

Kurt: I like Latin.

Blaine: How do you know Latin?

Kurt: You don't want to know.

Blaine: Kurt. How do you know Latin? You're fluent in French- yes- but you don't learn anything else.

Blaine: Kurt, I know you're intentionally not texting me.

Blaine: KURT.

Kurt: Hi.

Blaine: Please answer the question.

Kurt: What if I don't want to?

Blaine: Then I'll drive up to Lima.

Kurt: It's Thursday. It takes 2 hours to drive here from Dalton.

Blaine: Your point is?

Kurt: FINE. Do you really want to know?

Blaine: Yes.

Kurt: I taught myself some. Cos it was so close to French, and I love French, so I thought I'd love Latin…

Kurt: Blaine?

Kurt: Blaine? Have you gone back to sleep?

Kurt: Cos if you have, I'm afraid I'll be forced to spam your texts again.

Kurt: BLAINE.

Kurt: Blainey.

Kurt: Blainey Blainey Blaine.

Blaine: Please stop. And… I think you're adorable.

Kurt: It's not that hard.

Blaine:  That's not the point.

Kurt: What's the point?

Blaine: You're adorable. And I have to go to sleep now, before Wes bites my head off for keeping him up.

Kurt: Bye. xx

Kurt: Still an insomniac.

Blaine: Kurt, I swear to God…

Kurt: Sorry.

XxXxX

 

Kurt: Hi, Blaine.

 

Blaine: Hi, Kurt… anything wrong?

 

Kurt: Nope.

 

Blaine: OK… why are you texting, then?

 

Kurt: Well, actually, it's not Kurt.

 

Blaine: Right… OK, I'm going to pretend that you're not creeping me out and tell you to give Kurt his phone back you stalker and/or weirdo.

 

Kurt: Actually it's Rachel Berry.

 

Blaine: Rachel. Wonderful. What do you want?

 

Kurt: I just wanted to tell you that you are very suspicious.

 

Blaine: As what? Kurt's boyfriend?

 

Kurt: No. As a SPY.

 

Blaine: I'm laughing out loud, Rachel. Trust me, I'm not a spy.

 

Kurt: I don't. And I'm going to check Kurt's phone frequently to make sure he's not leaking our set lists to you.

 

Blaine: That's a bit excessive. And you don't have his passcode. And I know he locks it.

 

Kurt: I do actually know it. 2524. Sometimes 2563.

 

Blaine: How do you know that?

 

Kurt: It's Blai. Or Blne.

 

Blaine: Oh.

 

Kurt: Yes, that's quite enough of that. I'm going to have to change it now…

 

Blaine: Is this Kurt? Or Rachel pretending to be Kurt?

 

Kurt: Kurt, don't worry. And ignore her. She's a hypocrite.

 

Blaine: She leaks your set lists to your competition…?

 

Kurt: No, she dated Jesse St. James last year, and he was so obviously a spy.

 

Blaine: I really don't mind. Rachel can rant all she likes, it doesn't change a thing.

 

Kurt: I resent that.

 

Blaine: Hello Rachel.

 

Kurt: Hello Warbler.

 

Blaine: Why don't you just text me your threats from your own phone, instead of stealing Kurt's? With some PRIVATE messages.

 

Kurt: Oh, really?

 

Blaine: RACHEL DON'T YOU DARE SCROLL UP.

 

Kurt: Aw, you two are too cute.

 

Blaine: You were accusing me of spying on you a minute ago.

 

Kurt: Just because you're so obviously a spy doesn't mean I can't find you guys' relationship cute. And I resent being called a hypocrite.

 

Blaine: Rachel, please put Kurt back on. As much as I love talking to you… why don't you just put my number on your phone?

 

Kurt: Because I need to read you and Kurt's conversations every week, to make sure no leaking is going on.

 

Blaine: No you don't.

 

Kurt: Hello, me again. RACHEL PLEASE READ THIS: Just because we're sort of friends, it doesn't mean I can't go bitch on you.

 

Blaine: You're so cute when you threaten people.

 

Kurt: Thanks. Thanks.

 

Blaine: My pleasure.

 

Kurt: Your threats do not faze me.

 

Blaine: Rachel.

 

Kurt: Sorry, we have to rehearse now. Bye Blaine!

 

Blaine: I HATE YOU RACHEL.

 

Kurt: No you don't.

 

Blaine: Oh is Rachel having a Klainevention? That's a Klaine Intervention.

 

Kurt: Yes… I am… you were reading it all!

 

Blaine: Yes, but this is his roommate. Wes.

 

Kurt: I refuse to talk to anyone who may throw the competition. Wait- are you in the Warblers?

 

Blaine: Yes.

 

Kurt: Then I refuse to talk to you.

 

Blaine: Can you put Kurt on? I haven't talked to him in ages. He seems to have deleted my number…

 

Kurt: Ummm… yes, he has.

 

Blaine: Rachel. Blaine here again. Wes is NOT HERE. Give Kurt his phone back. NOW.

 

Kurt: Alright, alright. Honestly.

 

Blaine: Thank you.

 

Kurt: Ummm… Blaine?

 

Blaine: Yeah?

 

Kurt: Why have they given us a nickname?

 

Chapter Text

Kurt: Rachel's plotting.

Blaine: What do you mean?

Kurt: She has her plotting face on. And she's gone 24 hours without BHFT. That is saying something.

Blaine: No BHFT?

Kurt: Not for me. Not today- though that's not necessarily a good thing.

Blaine: … why?

Kurt: Because when she goes without, she's planning something much worse. And she's been looking at me all day.

Blaine: Because you're gorgeous?

Kurt: Nope- and I'm not- because her plots include me.

Blaine: Plots?

Kurt: Plots. Oh, she has plans, but plans don't distract from BHFT.

Blaine: But plots do?

Kurt: Exactly.

Blaine: Right.

Kurt: Yes.

Blaine: Don't worry, Wes and David have given up on trying to steal my phone.

Kurt: You should be.

Blaine: No… I just said, Wes and David have given up.

Kurt: Not them. Rachel. Rachel is trying to steal my phone again and host another 'Klainevention', I'm sure of it. And honestly, I'm really really tired of being called 'Klaine'.

Blaine: I think it's cute.

Kurt: I hate labels.

Blaine: Fair enough.

Kurt: Though, Klaine is VERY VERY cute and I approve of it.

Blaine: Hello Rachel.

Kurt: Was I that obvious?

Blaine: Yes. Honestly, have the New Directions never spied?

Kurt: Why?

Blaine: Because you're all horrendous at it.

Kurt: This is all of New Directions here, and we're here to host a Klainevention.

Blaine: All?

Kurt: Yes.

Blaine: ALL of you?

Kurt: Yes.

Blaine: Good. I only want to talk to one of you.

Kurt: Mercedes.

Blaine: No. KURT.

Kurt: Oh, right. He's not here.

Blaine: Again, see-through plots and disguises. Who's distracting him?

Kurt: No-one.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: No.

Blaine: She is.

Kurt: No.

Blaine: When is the lying going to stop? You know, lying impacts your singing voice.

Kurt: Fine it's Mercedes. And is that true?

Blaine: Nope.

Kurt: I HATE YOU WARBLER.

XxXxX

Blaine: Mercedes.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Blaine: Mercedes, answer these now.

Blaine: Mercedes, I know you're there and acting as a distraction.

Blaine: Mercedes, tell Kurt Rachel has his phone.

Kurt: Oi, Blaine.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: Blaine.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: Blaine.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: Blaine.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: Blaine.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: Blaine.

Blaine: Mercedes.

Kurt: Blaine.

Kurt: BLAINE IT'S ME NOT RACHEL. Can we stop spamming each other's texts now?

Blaine: Oh right. Sorry.

Kurt: Yes. Now. They're plotting their next move for the Klainevention.

Blaine: What do they want?

Kurt: To annoy me.

Blaine: Why are they trying to annoy you?

Kurt: Because they're my friends. ;)

Blaine: That makes no sense.

Kurt: Oh please. You get annoyed and creeped out by David and Wes, don't you? Do you really think they're like that around a girl they fancy or whatever? No. It's because you get irked by it, and they love seeing you irked. Because they're your friends.

Blaine: Guess that explains why you never intentionally annoyed me.

Kurt: Blaine. The others are GOING TO READ THIS. As sweet as you are, this is not the most private conversation.

Blaine: True.

Kurt: Thank you. BACK SOON.

Blaine: Klainevention. Right.

Kurt: Argh why does he have to tell you everything?

Blaine: Nice to talk to you again Rachel.

Kurt: You're very sarcastic. Who rubbed off on who?

Blaine: What do you mean?

Kurt: You're both too sarcastic for your own good.

Blaine: Kurt on me.

Kurt: OK. How long have you been dating, exactly?

Blaine: A month or so…

Kurt: Or so? What does or so mean? Are you not fully committed?

Blaine: Rachel… please stop with the questions that are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Kurt: I fail to see the need for that tone.

Blaine: We're not speaking.

Kurt: And that was also unnecessary.

Blaine: Rachel, are you going to give Kurt his phone back or not?

Kurt: Not.

Blaine: Looks like I'm driving up to McKinley to make you give it back then.

Kurt: That will not be necessary.

Blaine: Give the phone back.

Kurt: No.

Blaine: What's the point of you keeping it?

Kurt: So that I can check that Dalton isn't getting any of our secrets.

Blaine: How is that going to work… if you have the phone.

Kurt: Oh.

Blaine: Yeeeeah. Now why don't you do all of us a favour and go away.

Kurt: Kurt's attitude's rubbed off on you as well, hasn't it?

Blaine: No, it hasn't, actually. I'm my own person. However, you are getting on this own person's nerves. Big time.

Kurt: There's no need to be snippy. Now that's Kurt.

Blaine: Yes it is. Are you on a mission to find all the similarities between us? Because you're going to use up all his texts. And though you might be willing to do that to the competition, that's not fair on your team mate and ultimately, your friend.

Kurt: You do have a point…

Blaine: Yes, I do. Well done. Phone.

Kurt: Argh. Don't want to.

Blaine: Do it.

Kurt: He's gonna be so annoyed at me.

Blaine: And whose fault is that?

Kurt: Okay, okay, don't go on.

Blaine: I'm not the one going on. You're insisting on continuing this conversation.

Kurt: What if I'm enjoying the conversation, Blaine Warbler?

Blaine: I'm going out with Kurt. Stop flirting.

Kurt: Ugh you're no fun.

Blaine: I'm faithful. There's a difference. Phone NOW Rachel Monica Berry.

Kurt: How do you know my middle- Kurt, right?

Blaine: You're learning.

Kurt: Repetition.

Blaine: Yes? Children used to learn by rote, you know. There's nothing wrong with it.

Kurt: Why are we even having this conversation?

Blaine: You started it. NOW. GIVE. KURT. HIS. PHONE. BACK.

Kurt: Ummm… I can't.

Blaine: Why not?

Kurt: Lost Kurt.