Despite the warnings Irene told Raven about, she couldn’t control herself – she had to come. She couldn’t stop herself from coming just as she could not stop visiting Harry… her baby Harry – growing up into a strong man. A man she was very much proud of… and a man she knew James would be proud of.
She wished their lives could be different.
She wished she could just walk up to her son and embrace him, and he would embrace her back. He’d forgive her for leaving him, and she would spend the rest of her days trying to make it up to him.
But that wasn’t how it’ll be – should he ever find out the truth.
It wasn’t that way with Rogue, nor was it like that way with Kurt. All she wanted was for her family to be by her side and safe. Yes, it might be the wrong side if you look at it through their eyes, but wasn’t the kind of woman that would be accepted in trading sides. She has to live with her guilt and her pain, and the grief of losing all her children.
Kneeling beside the grave stone, she traced James’ name. Closing her eyes she could almost imagine the sight of him laughing and her hand holding his. The memory haunted her as did every other one she had with him.
Sometimes, as she kneeled beside his grave, she wished she could just get lost in the memories – of the happier times and even some that weren’t so pleasant… just as long as it held James in them.
But then reality comes as her eyes open, almost against her will, and she sees the name ‘Lily Potter’ beside James’. Underneath that wasn’t Lily Potter.
Not the Lily Evans that fell victim to a horrible tragedy at eleven years old or the Lily Evans-Potter everyone thought they knew, loved, and grieved for.
It was just nobody with red hair that she had managed to find and put under a spell for her to believe she was Harry’s mother. Her looks were changed thanks to the Polyjuice potion for enough time for everyone that needed to see Lily Potter was indeed dead.
And in a way it was true, Lily Potter died that night.
Everything she knew and loved about her life was taken away – James was killed, Harry had to be given to her ‘sister’, Sirius was jailed, and Peter betrayed them all. Remus was the only one that was left, but even he hid himself away for years in the end – grieving for his lost friends and living his life from one full moon to the next.
There was no point for Lily Potter to live beyond that night, but no matter what she did to try and convince herself of that fact, it didn’t work. She hid that part of her every moment of everyday – burying her underneath who she really was, but she couldn’t stop it from haunting her or for her heart that ached to see James and Harry again.
She visited James often – to talk to him, to try and explain why she did what she did, why she kept it a secret from him, to ask for his forgiveness, and to tell him about his son. She didn’t know all the little details, she didn’t see or hear about everything, but she had spies that kept track of his movements and what was going on with his life. And she herself would keep an eye on him for several weeks throughout the year, which allowed her to know him and for him to see her.
That was something that both calmed and upset her… she knew that her could see her – it wasn’t as if she hid all that well – and he knew to look out for her on certain days of the year. But while she was a sort of constant thing in his life, he didn’t know that it was his mother watching over him. He didn’t know the truth or could really see her.
Maybe one day he could…
Maybe one day he’ll know the truth and they’ll meet again with no secrets.
Maybe one day, she’ll have her sons and daughter together again.
Maybe one day, they could be a family again.