James doesn't know what to do. It's not like he hasn't been in love before. It's not like he never had a crush. And he certainly also remembers times when he felt drawn to colleagues. But never before he had fallen in love with a man.
He is just so confused. His head. His thoughts. They just focus on Michael, Michael, Michael. What this man has done to him... He can't even remember when it all started. At some point he just started noticing the little things about the other actor. The shape of his hands. His pretty smile. The small scar on his upper lip.
James would probably die if Michael ever caught him staring. But he can't control it. Everytime he meets the man his eyes just lock on him and he can't tear away.
And seriously, all those interviews he does with Michael aren't helping much. All that interaction, all the questions, all the jokes. Except that James isn't joking. He's serious. He just acts like he's joking but in fact, most of what he says is true. Even if it is presented in a funny way. Just that nobody knows about his feelings.
Now that he doesn't see Michael every day anymore doesn't mean that he's out of his mind. In fact, he can't even spend more than an hour without thinking about the other man. And he has to admit that he misses him. A lot.
But James is too afraid to text or call Michael. What if he's annoying? What if it gets too obvious? Even if he wishes Michael to return his feelings, he doesn't dare to confess to him. Too much depends on it. He doesn't want to lose what they already have, this precious friendship they share, in case Michael doesn't like him that way – which is very likely for James.
Why would Michael return his feelings, anyway? It's as good as impossible.
On the other hand, James can't help but hope. Michael always plays along with the jokes on the interviews. And there is this undeniable chemistry they had on (and off) set.
So he really doesn't know what to do. And he is hesitant to talk to one of his friends about it. How should he explain his sudden interest in Michael Fassbender – a man? He was one hundred percent straight before and had never shown any interest in a man. Until Michael showed up.
Ugh. He really turned his whole life upside down.
James is about to call Rose, because they became good friends during the First Class shoots, she knows Michael and she is a really open minded person – he really doesn't know why, she's not his best friend, but she just popped into his mind first – when his phone buzzes and he quickly takes it out of his pocket.
It's a text message from Michael.
Hey, I'm bored. Up for a beer?
It's not rare for Michael to text him, but James hands are shaking anyway when he answers.
Sure. Where, when?
Not enough words? Should he write more? But wouldn't that be too much? God, how much he hates this unsureness. He hits the 'send' button and puts his phone on the table, trying not to expect an immediate answer from Michael.
He walks over to the window, looks outside. From his apartment he has a lovely view over the streets of London. Normally it calms him down, just standing here, looking at the city, sometimes even leaning against the cool glass. But things have changed over the past few weeks. And especially now it's extremely hard for him to think of anything else than Michael.
A wince runs through his body when he hears his phone buzzing again on the table. That was fast. Michael really has to be bored. He quickly walks over, picks it up and reads the message.
Mind if I come over? Haven't been to your place in a while.
James feels his heart skipping a beat. If he says yes they'll be alone at his house. But maybe... just maybe... No. He shouldn't think about it. It's probably just that Michael wants to come over because they have been traveling so much. Which reminds him how happy he is that they're finally at the same place at the same time again for a change. It's not like it's a big difference if he misses Michael if he's in the same city or another country, but he feels like he can actually sense the physical distance between them.
A sigh escapes his lips while he wonders about the state of his mental health. Maybe he's going crazy? Can love make someone crazy?
He types a quick answer and sends it – but not without hesitating a bit.
Not at all. Honestly, I'm glad you want to come over. You're welcome anytime.
'I'm glad you want to come over'? He hopes that this wasn't too much, sets his phone down again and begins pacing through his living room impatiently. Of course he shouldn't get so excited about this. But he can't help it. He can't stop it. He can't control it.
This time Michael answers only half a minute later.
Great. I'll be over in a minute.
And James just presses his phone against his chest and feels ridiculous. He should seriously stop acting like a teenager. But he can't.
It takes Michael about half an hour to arrive at James' place but even that is almost too long for James. He knows it's ridiculous, but he just wants to see Michael. So when the doorbell rings he quickly jumps out of the sofa and walks to the door, passing by the mirror, briefly checking if he looks alright. He takes one last deep breath, then he opens the door, only to be greeted by a widely grinning Michael, who holds up a six-pack of beer. German beer.
James has to laugh and all his tension is gone.
“Hey Fassy”, he grins – He doesn't even remember anymore where the nickname came from. Probably invented by the Fans and then it got stuck. - and for a moment considers hugging the other man but then just steps aside to let him in.
He takes the beer from Michael while he takes off his leather jacket and shoes. And James can't help but notice that Michael is wearing a ridiculously tight T-shirt. His arms. His freaking arms.
James has to use all of his willpower to tear his gaze away from the body of the man at look at his face. Which is also absolutely stunning, though.
But he has the slight feeling that staring at Michael isn't a good idea at all (even though he could do it all day long, of course), so he just walks into the living room and Michael follows him. James lets himself flop onto the couch and can feel his heart flutter when Michael sits down right next to him. He's so close. So close.
He notices that he still is holding the package of beer so he sets it on the couch table and only keeps two bottles. He grabs the bottle opener from the table and pops them open, hands Michael one of them.
“So”, Michael says takes the beer from his hand and the back of his hand brushes against James' fingers lightly. “How have you been?” But James is way too distracted by the feeling of a firework going off in his stomach to answer. It isn't until a minute later or so that he notices Michael looking at him with a tilted head. “Hey, you alright?”
“Uhh”, is everything James can manage to say. 'God, pull yourself together' “Yeah. I just... I'm fine”, he smiles, but Michael looks like he doesn't believe him. Which is totally understandable for James. What he said didn't really sound convincing.
Michael says and leans back. “I wish I knew what was on your mind”, he mumbles and James can't help but smile. “I thought that was my job”, he grins and earns a punch in the shoulder. “You're not Charles, James”, says Michael. “I know. I'm just making fun of you” “I know”
They sit in silence for a few moments, sipping on their beer, James eyes darting back to Michael every now and then until Michael sets his bottle on the table and turns to look at James.
“Seriously”, he says. “What's wrong?” And James wants nothing more than throw the truth in his face but he can't because he doesn't want to deal with Michael hating him afterwards. It hurts to live like this but it would hurt much more to live without Michael entirely.
“Nothing's wrong”, he says. And indeed, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong about the way he likes Michael. Only thing that maybe is wrong is that he can't tell him. But that's ok. Barely.
“Oh come on” Michael scoots closer to him and puts a hand on James shoulder, which almost robs James of his sanity. In situations like this he can't take Michael touching him. He wants it so much, but when Michael does touch him it almost hurts. “Tell me”
James shakes his head. He can't. If he tells him everything will be over.
“Hey” He can feel Michael putting an arm around him and that's even worse. Does this man even know what he's doing to him? Probably not. “I'm your friend, right? You can tell me what's bothering you”
“No”, murmurs James and shakes his head. “I can't tell you” “Why?”, asks Michael and James shakes his head again, looks at his feet. “Because... uhh...” “Is it about me?” James' head jerks up. What? How...? “No... I... No... uhh. Yes”
'Congratulations, James. You just made a complete idiot of yourself and halfway confessed to one of your best friends.'
“Good”, says Michael and James doesn't understand anything anymore. How is that a good thing? “Because then I think I can do this without you slapping me afterwards”
And suddenly his face his so close and all James can see are Michael's eyes and his lips and this tiny little scar and then he doesn't see anything anymore because he automatically closes his eyes when he feels Michael's lips on his.
He can't believe what is happening, oh god, is this really happening? Is Michael Fassbender really kissing him? But then he doesn't even care anymore if this is real or not because he is kissing Michael and nothing else matters.
They break apart after what seems like eternity and James can see this familiar smile appearing on Michael's face. “Issues solved?”, he asks and James snorts. “You're a dork” Michael laughs and kisses James again, ruffles through his hair. “No, you are a precious little dork. Why did you never say anything?”
James tries to look away but Michael puts two fingers under his chin, gently turning his face back to look at him. “I didn't want to ruin our friendship”, mumbles James and Michael smiles. “Why are people always so oblivious of love?”, he wants to know and James shrugs. “Maybe I am an idiot?” “Yeah, and that's why I love you”
And James seriously has no idea how his heart keeps beating. Because this single sentence should have made it stop.
Michael loves him. Michael Fassbender loves him, James McAvoy.
James has never heard a more beautiful sentence in his entire life.