*Nsync goes online
Four-fifths of *Nsync just stared at the other fifth in silence, too exhausted to argue with him. They’d been assembled in Joey’s living room for hours, brainstorming before their last recording session. Things were not going well.
“Why does it suck, JC?” asked Joey, exasperated.
“What doesn’t suck about these lyrics?” He stood up and read from a paper with “From the mind of Joey” and the Superman logo on the top. “Girl, I don’t wanna be rough / But I think I’ve waited long enuff / Three times I’ve filled your glass / Now gimme some of that ass. Hello?”
Joey sighed. “It rhymes, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, but…but…someone help me out here!”
“You told him to make it rhyme,” Justin groaned. “What did you expect, Walt Whitman?”
“I kinda like it,” said Chris. “It’s…mature.”
JC looked at him incredulously. “Mature? Sexual harassment is mature?”
“Look, we have to finish this, NOW. It’s almost midnight, and we have to record this song in like 8 hours! Let’s just do it as is…with the crappy lyrics,” Lance growled.
“Oh, and I suppose you think you could do better?” Joey whined.
“Well, I think I could better than—” Lance grabbed the paper from JC and read, “Girl, you got it goin’ on / Your big ass is da bomb / Why don’t you bring your hot friend Dee / ‘Cause tonight, baby, it’s gonna be 3.”
Joey laughed. “That’s my favorite line!”
“That’s it! I’m now officially freaking out!” yelled JC. “I haven’t slept in like…6 hours…and I think I very well may start hallucinating.”
“Oh shut up!” Justin yelled. “I’m tired of this. Let’s just forget about this track. The album will be fine without it.”
“Yeah, but we promised we’d do a song that we all wrote, together,” JC replied. “Not that it was my idea—”
“Of course not, Mr. Where’s My Solo,” Chris mumbled under his breath.
“Why don’t you bite me?”
Joey sighed heavily and rose up out of his Superman beanbag chair. “Look, maybe I can fix my part of the song somehow.” He looked at his lyric sheet. “What if I change Your ass is like flan / Come give it to Superman to Your smile is so great…come sit on my face. How ‘bout that?”
Half an hour later, the song still was not finished.
“Look,” JC bellyached, “I don’t want to tell you how to write your own lyrics—”
“Do you hear yourself when you talk?” asked Justin, half asleep on the floor.
“Enough!” Lance screamed from the comfort of a huge plush recliner. “If you’re so hard up to finish the damn song, JC, then finish it yourself so we can get some fucking sleep! I’m fucking tired!”
“Yeah,” sighed Chris, who’d just woken up and really had no idea what he was agreeing to.
“Fine!” JC grumbled as he grabbed Joey’s “song,” some paper and a few pens and headed for the bathroom. “I am so going solo after this.”
“Good! You can open up for us on tour!” Justin laughed and buried his head under a sofa cushion.
After a few moments of silence Joey said, “So…wanna download some porn?”
Lance, Chris, Justin, and Joey, now all completely awake, shared a bag of microwave popcorn as they huddled around Joey’s notebook computer. A picture of a very flexible, naked young woman appeared bit by bit over Joey’s somewhat slow network connection.
“Dudes,” whispered Lance, “I don’t think this is legal in Mississippi!”
“You don’t have to whisper,” Chris said, and nodded towards the bathroom.
“Please, you think that boy don’t watch porn?” Justin said as he tried to adjust the monitor for better viewing. “What do you think he does during those marathon naps?”
Joey winced. “Please, don’t put such images in my head.” When the picture finished downloading, another page popped up with the model’s vital information: turns-on, turns-off, favorite position and the like. Chris eyed something familiar-looking under her list of favorite links.
“Look…that link says ‘my favorite *Nsync fantasy’…oh, man!”
“Cool beans. Someone make more popcorn. I think it’s gonna be a loooonnng night,” Joey said, laughing. He clicked the link, which led to a page on www.fanfiction.net.
“A tree grows in Orlando,” Justin read the title of the story. “What the hell is that?”
“It must be some kinky sex position,” Chris said matter-of-factly. “Is this site like Penthouse Forum?”
“Shhhh! I’m trying to read!” said Lance excitedly. The four quieted down and read the story silently.
Justin Timberlake wakes up slowly. The curtains are drawn, and only the tiniest bit of light can get through. Just the way he likes it. He yawns and caresses the naked body sleeping next to him.
“Wake up, baby,” he whispers in his lover’s ear. He lifts up the silk sheet covering his own nakedness. “Little JuJu’s already waiting for you,” he coos. He touches the smooth flesh of his lover’s back, urging a response. A soft voice finally answers.
“Morning, honey.” Justin enfolds the sleepy form in his arms, attaches wet kisses to the neck, and whispers, “Morning…Lance.”
Everyone was quiet for a full minute. The four men, who had previously been reading with great anticipation, had all stopped, frozen, staring at the words “Morning…Lance” on the screen.
“Did…did that just say what I think it said?” Lance gulped.
“Jeez!” yelled Justin. He jumped out of his chair and started wiping imaginary bugs from his arms.
“Ewwww, that’s really disgusting,” Chris said like he’d just driven past a farm during a high wind.
“I know,” said Joey with his eyes still glued to the screen. “Like, Lance is so not Justin’s type.”
“WHAT?” the other three cried in unison.
“Well, c’mon. Justin’s much more likely to want me. Lance doesn’t even own any Stevie Wonder albums.”
Justin’s eyes grew very large. “Joey, where do you buy your crack?”
“I’m just saying that…if you were gonna…you know…you wouldn’t pick Lance, that’s all. Damn!” Joey started to sweat a little. The microwave beeped and Lance, beet red from head to toe, jumped up to get the popcorn.
After a lengthy pause, Chris sighed and said, “You know, I’m inclined to agree with Stuporman here. You two together would be too much blonde.”
“You guys are insane. It’s late…we’re totally brain-fried…and obviously Joey has laced this popcorn with something,” Justin uttered, slowly backing away from his friends.
“Holy shit!” Joey screamed, still reading the story. “Look at this!”
About forty-five minutes after locking himself in the bathroom, JC emerged, even more exhausted than before, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. He had three pages, front and back, of lyrics.
“Yo…I’m finished.” The guys didn’t respond. They were too busy staring at the computer screen.
“Oh, man that’s nasty,” Justin said, laughing.
“Which part? Which part?” Lance asked excitedly. Justin pointed to the words in all the way up to his wrist on the screen. “I haven’t gotten that far yet! I’m still at the vat of Crisco!”
“Well hurry up,” urged Chris. “I’m ready for the next chapter.”
JC walked over to his giggling friends. “What are you guys reading?”
“I don’t think you want to know,” Lance declared. “Why don’t you go take a nap?” The other three guys laughed, but still continued reading.
“No, let him read it,” said Joey sneakily. He moved aside so JC could see better and pointed to the screen. “This part is all about you. Read that.” JC rubbed his eyes and read out loud.
“Where? Oh. JC opened his mouth wide enough to accept Lance’s gigantic throbbing—OH MY GOD!!” The other four broke into a fit of hysterics. “What the fuck is that? Ewwwwwwww!!”
“This particular masterpiece is called ‘Face Cowboy,’” Chris said as he tried to regain his composure. “You missed the last one…what was it called?”
Joey thought for a second. “‘It’s tearin’ up my ass.’ That was a good one.”
JC looked at them all with astonishment. “What kind of sick, demented thing have you found online…Joey?”
“Hey, don’t look at me! Apparently, a lot of people love to write stories about us doing things to each other. I have no idea why!”
“Probably because we’re so damn cute,” Justin said as he clicked for the next chapter of “Face Cowboy.” “They can’t believe we only share all this hotness with women. Did we remember to review ‘God, I’d like to spend a little more time in you’?”
JC was flabbergasted. “This is disgusting.”
“I know,” Lance agreed.
“So are we,” said Chris.
“Move over so I can see!” JC grabbed a chair and sat between Joey and Chris. “Hey, I wanna read ‘I thought he blew’!”
Thirty minutes later…
“Okay, there is just no fucking way that I would be Joey’s bitch in prison!” JC shouted all of a sudden. “If anything, he would be my bitch.”
“Puh-leaze,” said Justin. “You would ALL be my bitches.”
“In your dreams, little man,” Chris grunted. “In your dreams.” They went back to reading. At the end of the prison story entitled ‘Just got laid,’ Lance asked meekly, “Guys…what’s a Prince Albert?”
Sixty minutes and three large pizzas later…
“I have a question,” Justin said as he stuffed his face. “Why am I always speaking in Ebonics in these stories?” The other four friends looked at each other nervously and then went back to reading “I want you on your back.”
“Guys?” Justin asked. “What are you trying to say? Huh?” They ignored him. “Fuck you guys.” He went back to the story, too, and mumbled under his breath, “At least the hot sisters know I got it goin’ on.”
“I wanna know why I’m always…”
“Always what, JC?” asked Joey.
“Why I’m always…catching, rather than…pitching, in these stories.”
“That’s a good question,” Chris said. “You might wanna think about that.”
“Well,” Lance butted in, “I wanna know why these people always put me and JC together.”
“So what are you saying? Are you…insulted?” JC asked defensively. “I suppose you’d rather be with Joey…God, what am I saying?”
“Gimme a break,” Lance sighed. “It’s just weird that, you know, they put the two of us together more than anybody else, overall. I’m just wondering why.”
Joey, Justin, and Chris looked at the two others sitting side by side. “Hmmm,” Joey said. “Why, indeed.”
“Shut up, moron. You’re just jealous you haven’t been paired up with me yet,” Lance said proudly. “Everyone else has.” He thought about that for a second. “Oh, God help me.”
Tired of staring at one small screen, the boys decided to print out copies of the stories that most interested them. JC was intently studying his copy of “It makes me kill.”
“God…I’m a monster. I’ve killed almost everyone in this story, and the ones who were still alive, I’ve nagged to death! Is that how people see me, as some neurotic, bossy, nit-picking asshole?”
Joey looked up from his copy. “I wouldn’t use the word neurotic.”
“Thanks a lot.” JC looked kind of hurt.
“Don’t be like that,” Justin said as he sat down next to JC. “People think you’re the serious one…and Joey is the fun one…and I’m the incredibly talented one—”
“Don’t forget humble,” added Lance.
“That, too. And Chris is the silly one, and Lance has a deep voice. It’s the public’s perception; it’s just a role. It doesn’t define who we are, ok, buddy?”
“Sure…bro!” Chris quipped. “I’ll remember that the next time someone accuses you of trying to be Black!”
“Hey…look at my hair! I’m pretty sure my momma’s daddy’s momma’s daddy was a quarter Black!”
“Whatever,” they all said in unison.
“Fuck you guys. And don’t even be trying to pretend you don’t all have chocolate fantasies, too,” Justin said angrily. “Especially you, JC!”
JC blushed. “He does have a point.”
Much, much later…
Joey finished reading aloud “That’s when I’ll stop flogging you” to an eerie silence. The 12-chapter story had totally engaged them in a way that none of the previous ones had.
“My God,” sighed Chris. “Would you really do all those horrible things to me, Lance?”
“I…I…feel so dirty after hearing that,” Lance replied. “I need a Hard Lemon.”
“But, would you torture me physically, emotionally, and sexually, for months and months?”
“No way, man,” Lance said confidently.
“Would you cut off my dreadlocks and mail them to my girlfriend, one by one?”
“Would you…shave me with a dull razor?”
“Shut up!” yelled JC. “That was really disturbing.”
“Yeah,” Justin concurred. “But really well written.”
“Oh, absolutely,” added Joey. “The imagery was fantastic, and the sex scenes quite erotic.” The other four looked at him suspiciously. “Well…they were!”
JC laughed and went to the computer. “I’m really getting tired, guys. Why don’t we—oh, snap!”
“What…a new story?” asked Justin enthusiastically. “What’s it called?”
JC grinned mischievously. “It’s called…‘O-town orgy: Backstreet Boys and *Nsync get Nasty.’”
Lance jumped to his feet. “I’ll put on a pot a coffee.”
It was nearly 7 am by the time they finished the story, each of them spread out on the floor around the fireplace, listening to Joey narrate the tale of passion, sex, and competing tour schedules. They were all drained.
“Wow,” Justin stammered. “That was…was…damn!”
“I know,” said Chris. “Hey, about that Nick Carter…you think the author was talking inches or centimeters?”
“Ugh…I feel like I need to take a shower for a week,” JC said. “I don’t think I’ll be able to look A.J. in the face again.”
“Hey, if…nevermind,” Lance started.
“What? C’mon, out with it,” Joey said as he opened his curtains and winced at the daylight.
“If you had to…you know…I’m talking at gunpoint…with one of them…who’d you pick?” Lance asked nervously. The guys got quiet for a second. Then Chris spoke.
“Kevin,” added JC.
“Absolutely,” Joey replied.
“My thoughts exactly,” Lance added.
“I think I would say Howie,” Justin said as he yawned. “He’s so little and cute and…did I just say that out loud?” The guys shared a hearty laugh as they stood up and stretched.
“This was fun, guys,” Joey said. “I really feel like we bonded, ya know? Like we somehow saw sides of each other we’ve never seen before—no pun intended.”
“Yeah…sure,” Justin said uneasily. Joey put his arms around his friends.
“And, I just wanna say that I’m secure enough in my heterosexuality to say that…I love you guys. I really, really love you.”
“I gotta go. The session starts in 1 hour,” JC said as he quickly gathered his stuff and flew out the door.
“Yeah, me too! See y’all later!” Justin was right behind him.
“Hey, wait for me!” screamed Chris, and he was gone. Joey sulked. Lance put his arm on his friend’s shoulder.
“Hey…you’re not still jealous about me and JC, are you?”
“Get the fuck outta here!”
Two months later…
“And that was the world premiere of *Nsync’s newest video, ‘Write me a story.’” Carson Daly waited as the fans in the Mtv studios enthusiastically cheered. “We’d like to thank the guys of *Nsync for bringing us the video personally, and I’m sure that their video will be number one tomorrow…that is, if Backstreet Boy’s own ‘We’re number one’ doesn’t hold on to the top spot. Back in a second.”
*Nsync watched the show from the Total Request Live control room. Once the video went off, they made their way to the elevator, escorted by their security guards. When the doors opened, they were surprised to see all five Backstreet Boys, with their own mass of security.
“Hey, guys,” JC said diplomatically. “What’s up?”
A.J. looked at the competition over his dark sunglasses. “We just did some promos upstairs. You guys goin’ down?”
“What do you mean by that?” Lance asked nervously. Joey elbowed him.
“C’mon,” said Brian. “I think we should be able to fit all these egos in this big elevator.” *Nsync looked at each other, and reluctantly agreed. They squeezed into the oversized elevator and quietly rode down. Unfortunately, Nick had pushed all the floor buttons before they got on, so it was a long trip.
“So,” Howie said, breaking the nervous silence. “What’ve you guys been up to lately?”
“Not much,” replied Justin, who was standing practically on top of him.
“Just doing a lot of reading,” Lance said. His bandmates glared at him. “I mean…you know…books and stuff.” He turned red and looked down at his feet.
“Yeah…gotta keep the creative juices flowing,” said A.J. “Hey, you guys seen J-lo? Does she look fine or what?”
Justin chimed in. “You know it!” They high-fived each other and erupted into their own version of her latest single, “Love me, love my ass.” All the other men enthusiastically joined in, save Kevin and Joey, who stood next to each other against the back of the elevator and watched their friends with amusement.
“This right here is some fanfic writer’s wet dream,” Kevin said to Joey.
“I know.” Joey lowered his voice. “Have you read some of the stuff that’s out there about us?”
“Wild, huh?” the tall, dark and handsome drink of water replied. “Some people have crazy imaginations.”
“Yeah,” Joey laughed as he watched Justin do a Puff Daddy impression. “And isn’t it weird how some fans like to imagine us…well—”
“You mean the slash stuff?” Kevin said, lowering his voice too.
“Yes! Isn’t that insane?” Joey said, slapping his forehead.
“That fanfiction.net is just filled with that stuff,” Kevin replied. The two shared a knowing grin. Joey lowered his voice even more.
“The guys would kill me if I told you this, but…somebody wrote a slash story with us and you guys in it—called ‘O-town orgy’ or something like that! It was sick, man! We read every word of it, too.”
Kevin looked at Joey with eyebrows raised. “Really…every word?”
Joey giggled. “Yeah, man. It was twisted! We couldn’t believe it. But, I gotta admit, it was interesting to read. Pretty well written, too.”
“Well,” Kevin said with a smile, “I’ll have to remember to convey your rave review to the rest of the boys.” Joey looked at Kevin confusedly.
“Huh? What for?”
Kevin smiled wickedly and whispered, “Who do you think wrote it?”
Copyright KTA February 2001
Read the sequel: *Nsync does it again