“I don’t know why you feel the need to be such an asshole sometimes, Tony” Clint casually says as he sits down next to the older man who’s raising an eyebrow at him.
“Cause it’s fun? Where is this coming from anyway because the last time I checked I’ve been good?”
“Cause I’m an asshole? Pinching someone is very asshole-ish.”
Rolling his eyes, Clint places his feet on top of the coffee table. He ignores Tony’s disapproving grunt and continues to flip through channels. After about hundred channels, he calmly says “You made Steve feel uncomfortable at the meeting today.”
There’s a long moment of silence before Tony finally asks “Did I?” When Clint gives him a look, it’s his turn to sigh heavily. “I didn’t mean to. It’s just that fucking dick was obviously flirting with him! You can’t honestly tell me he wasn’t!”
“Hey! Hey, I was there and yeah, I’ll admit that dude was totally creeping on Steve. However, I don’t see why you felt the need to embarrass Steve like that. You know he’ll never cheat on you with anyone else. Man doesn’t even know how to flirt either.”
“I know that, really I do.”
“Oh yeah, then why did you act like a brat until Steve sat on your lap?”
“I wasn’t acting like a brat. I’m a full grown man, thank you very much.”
“Refusing to listen, talking about stuff only you and Bruce would understand, and not playing very nice with dickwad? You call that acting like an adult?” Leaning his head on the back of the sofa, Clint stares at the ceiling. He gave up on the channel surfing. ‘That’s really a white ass ceiling’ he thinks. “Hell, everyone has a little fanboy crush on Captain America, Tony. This shouldn’t be news to you.”
Sighing, Tony stares at his ceiling too. “Yeah, I know. I know people go a little batshit crazy when they meet him for the first time. But it doesn’t mean I have to let every guy leer at Steve and make a bunch of innuendos at him which I’m so fucking glad 90% of it goes pass Steve’s head. He’s so cute and naive.”
Jumping in his spot, Clint snaps his fingers and grins. “Oh, my favorite one was ‘Your shield is so big and hard, can I hold it? I’ll be gentle’! It took me all my will power to not burst out laughing! That dude was so fucking hilarious! And poor Steve, bless his beautiful heart, when he thought dickwad was actually talking about his shield and not his dick. Even Natasha has a favorite moment.”
“Yeah, she thought it was funny when he stared drooling over Steve’s uniform. Asking him weird ass questions like “Aren’t you hot in that?’, ‘What do you wear underneath it?’ and let’s not forget ‘Is it hard taking it off? Do you need help because it looks so tight on you?’!” Clint starts laughing ridiculously hard at the memory. After the meeting, Natasha told him she found it hard to keep her laughter in. The guy was just too funny to them. “I wonder what Thor’s and Bruce’s favorite moment was? Hm, I’m so going to ask them later when I see them. I’m not even going to comment on Fury’s reaction. Dude, you better count your lucky stars on Steve’s ass Fury didn’t kill you.”
Smirking, Tony asks “You want to know what my favorite moment is?”
Looking at Tony cautiously, Clint mumbles “Did any of us really need to know you screwed Steve in the shower before coming to the meeting? I think I speak for everyone, especially Steve, when I say ‘no’. Keep that information to yourself, man. Poor Steve looked so red from embarrassment while that moron looked like he was taking a painful shit or something.”
Tony nods his head in agreement. “I thought the same thing! In my defense, he needs to know Steve’s taken. He’s happily taken and doesn’t need some stray dick humpy the air around him.”
“Point taken but you could have done it a better way, Tony. After all, aren’t you a genius or something?”
Blinking at Clint, Tony reluctantly says “I may be a genius but I’m also a man, Clint. I don’t appreciate someone trying to get in between Steve and me, especially when they know we’re together. It’s like they don’t care or don’t respect Steve’s decision to be with me. Like it’s a bad decision and they’re a better one. I just…”
“They’re just jealous of you, Tony. Hell, I’ll be honest with you when I say I’m jealous of you. Who wouldn’t want to screw Capt-OW! Damnit, that hurts!” Clint rubs his upper arm where Tony punched him. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is Steve Rogers aka Captain America chose you himself. Have some fucking confidence in Steve and his choices. By the way that really hurt, you fucker!”
“Well, don’t talk about screwing my boyfriend.”
“…point taken. Do you think Steve’s going to make you sleep on the couch tonight?”
“Gah, I hope not. I want to sleep between his le-OW! You fucker!”
“What did I tell you about keeping that type of shit to yourself?”
“I don’t remember. Assholes’ have very short memory spans. Hey Thor, buddy!” Tony greets a happy Thor who walks into the family room with a box of strawberry poptarts underneath one of his arms.
When the big blond sees his comrades, he immediately dazzles them with a bright smile. “Hello, my good friends! Am I disrupting your conversation?” He looks like he ready to walk back out if he is.
“Nope, we’re just talking about our meeting earlier at S.H.I.E.L.D’s headquarters today. Say buddy, what was your favorite line from Mr. Hammer? Mine was when he was talking about Steve’s shield aka his dick!”
Frowning, Thor answers “Ah, you noticed it as well, my friend? It was very displeasing to hear seeing how Steven is taken by our friend Tony here.” He comes over to them and sits down on the couch next his teammates. He takes a big bite out of his poptart before speaking up again. “Not to mention it was most disrespectful to Tony and Steven if you ask me. I am glad Steven is very innocent and did not understand the other man’s desire for him.”
Clint nods his head in agreement and glances over to Tony who looks like he wants to throw up or kill dickwad. Probably both. Hell, even Thor picked up on the innuendoes at the meeting today. “Yeah…actually when I think about it, maybe we should have let you beat some sense or manners into dickwad.”
Confuse at the term, Thor asks “Dickwad? What is a dickwad?”
As Clint and Tony contemplate which one of them should tell Thor, a female voice says “It’s more like who’s the dickwad, Thor.” The redhead strolls in and sits on the sofa chair. Folding her arms neatly over her midriff, Natasha looks at her three male teammates. “The man from earlier who was making a fool out of himself over Steve.”
“Ah, I see. What Mr. Hammer was doing makes him a ‘dickwad’?”
“Yup, he a worthless piece of shit” Clint reaches for the remote and starts flipping through channels again. Maybe this time, he can find something. “Hey, pass me a poptart Thor. Pretty please?”
“Of course, my friend” Thor happily shares his treats with his teammate. Naturally Thor also offers Tony and Natasha but both decline. All four of them turn their attention to the TV where Clint is still trying to find something interesting to watch. The room falls into silence until someone decides to share some info with the others.
“Fury gave dickwad a talk after the meeting” Natasha says causally, liking the nickname. Both Clint and Tony whip their heads in her direction obviously excepting her to continue. Thor continues to eat his poptarts and stare at the TV screen where there showing a bunch of clips of cats doing funny things.
After a moment, she speaks up “He gave him a…stern talk about how it was highly inappropriate of him speaking the way he did with Steve. If dickwad ever does it again, Fury is not going to be responsible for our actions. Actions we might take on someone who we deem harmful to our leader’s safety or virtue in this case. Also Phil personally escorted him out” she gives the boys a meaningful look. “I think he got the picture.”
“Like hell! I’ll paint him a picture of my fist smashing his face or my foot up his fucking ass” Tony argues. All he wants is just five minutes with dickwad, just five minutes.
“Tony, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” a worried voice says from the doorway. Everyone turns to look even though they all know who the voice belongs to. There standing by the door is Steve, Bruce, and dinner.
“Oh, he’s just pissed about dic-um, I mean about the way Mr. Hammer was acting at the meeting today” a helpful Clint says while getting off the couch. However when he sees the glare Natasha sends his way as he passes her, he wonders if he should have been so helpful. Then when he sees Steve’s frown, he knows he shouldn’t have said anything. Grabbing the bags from Steve’s hands, Clint changes the subject “Cool, dinner! I was thinking about making a sandwich but this smells so much better!” He fails though as Steve looks from him to Tony. “Tony?”
Looking into clear blue eyes, Tony smiles “It’s nothing, babe. Just ignore this idiot here.”
“Hey! I’m hurt” Clint holds his chest in fake pain. Natasha passes by him and whispers something to him. Clint looks alarm and begins laughing nervously. “So what’s dinner? By the way, I totally love what you’ve done with your hair, Nat.”
Bruce obviously knows what’s going on, he can put two and two together. From a past conversation with Tony, he already knows Tony doesn’t like Hammer and after today, he’s pretty sure the level of dislike has risen significantly. He honestly couldn’t believe how shameless the other man was acting towards Steve and in front of them no less. After today’s meeting, he’s surprise he has heard about Iron Man killing Mr. Hammer on the news yet. He really doesn’t look forward to the ‘talk’ Fury will probably give them for not stopping their teammate from committing murder. Bruce is just glad Steve decided to file Hammer’s behavior in his fanboy cabinet. Steve doesn’t need to know about the weirdo’s chasing him. ‘Hulk smash him’ a voice rings in his head. ‘Wow, calm down big guy. No need to smash, I think that’s Tony’s department’ Bruce informs his other self. ‘Tony let Hulk help him smash?’ questions Hulk. ‘Um, I’ll get back to you on that’ he gets the feeling Tony would probably let Hulk smash Hammer’s company to the ground.
Steve still feels out of the loop here. “He’s just a big fanboy of Captain America, is all.” Everyone openly stares at Steve who’s starting to feel uncomfortable underneath their stares. Did he say something wrong? He tries again. “You guys don’t have to worry about Mr. Hammer. Fury told me he had a talk with Mr. Hammer about his fanboy ways. Besides for the next meeting I don’t have to be present if I don’t want to although I will.” Kissing Tony’s cheek, Steve continues “So please don’t worry about him. People just get over excited when they meet me for the first time.”
No one has the heart to tell Steve the truth, well, except for Clint who really needs to think before he talks. “Over excited fanboy my ass! Dude, he totally was trying to-OW! Shit, that fucking hurt!” Clint turns around to see who whack him in the back of the head. What he finds is a not so pleased Phil Coulson standing right there. Clint doesn’t even remember seeing Coulson walking in with Steve and Bruce. Sneaky man. “Um…oh man, I’m so hungry! It’s like I’m starving or something. I totally understand the expression about wanting to eat a whole cow because I’m so hungry, you know?” Again, Clint fails to change the subject.
“He was trying to what?” Steve questions, looking directly at Clint. He knows something is up and they’re not telling him. Perhaps they know something about Mr. Hammer and don’t want to tell him? He knows the other man was, um, really happy to meet him today. He could just tell from the way he looked and spoke to him. Although there were times when he felt Mr. Hammer was being a bit too much. He figured that’s why Tony felt the need to be overprotective of him when Tony wanted him on his lap. It was so embarrassing sitting on Tony’s lap in the meeting room but he had to admit he enjoyed Tony’s warm hand on his lower high. Actually, Tony only really gets like that when he thinks someone is flirting with him. He’s told Tony several times before how can someone flirt with someone when the other person’s partner is right there. It doesn’t make sense to him. Mr. Hammer knows Tony Stark and him are together so there’s no need for him to flirt with him. Right?
As Clint struggles to come up with an answer with no help from the others, Steve suddenly feels likes very old fashion and naive at the moment. “Oh……um, Mr. Hammer is more than just a big fanboy of mine?” Steve says it slowly, not quite sure what the answer might be although he kinda of does. He knows he’s right when he sees everyone glaring at poor Clint who’s trying to hide behind a bag of food. “Well, I can see why Fury felt the need to allow me to not be present in the next meeting with Mr. Hammer. And why he also felt the need to tell me that I am to report to him immediately if Mr. Hammer tries to schedule a meeting with me over dinner or something” Steve finishes off awkwardly. He’s startle when Tony jumps out of his seat and makes his way over to him. The older man grabs his shoulders and asks in an angry voice “Fuck Fury, you tell me immediately if the fucking dickwad asks you out on a date! Please tell me he hasn’t already? Has he?”
Blinking, Steve shakes his head and out of the corner of his eye he can see his all teammates relax. Oh wow, he can’t believe this went completely over his head. ‘I need more self-awareness’ Steve thinks to himself as he kisses Tony’s lips. “No, he hasn’t and okay although I still have to tell Fury though. He does know we’re dating, right? I mean you mentioned it a lot throughout the meeting. I even sat on your lap for goodness sake!”
“It doesn’t matter to some people, Steve. They simply disregard the fact the person they want is already with someone else and try to make them their own” Bruce says softly as he takes out his salad from a bag. ‘Hulk smash unwanted bug’ the big guy roars inside. Bruce shakes his head mentally and says ‘Don’t worry, big guy. If someone’s trying to kill Steve, you can smash away.’
Next to him, Natasha nods her head in agreement and says “Some people are just like that, Steve and it’s unfortunate you have to come across those people. After a while some give up while others are persistent. It’s best just to ignore them and let us deal with them.”
Coulson silently agrees, appreciating the fact Fury allowed him to escort Mr. Hammer out. He doesn’t like people disrespecting Steve and his choices. Speaking of which, he needs to have chat with Tony about his conduct at today’s meeting.
“I agree! Let us handle those who disrespect you and Tony’s relationship!” Thor waves his hammer around, ready to fight for his comrades’ love.
Clint decides to get in on the action as well “Hell yeah! I’ll put an arrow in their sorry asses! And I won’t even lube it up!” Dead silence with some disturbed looks. “Too much?” Everyone nods their heads.
Smiling at everyone and their encouraging words, Steve says “Thank you guys but its okay. You don’t have to worry about other people’s intentions, I sure don’t” a chuckle “Honestly, it goes right over my head because the only way this relationship will ever break is when Tony doesn’t want me anymore and not because someone tried to steal me away.”
“If that’s the case babe, then this relationship is going to last for an eternity” Tony declares.
“It’s fine with me. In fact, I welcome it” Steve’s smile gets wider and brighter.
“Oh fuck, I think I just got a cavity! At least let us eat dinner before giving us dessert!”
“Dessert?” Thor questions Clint who smirks and says “Tony and Steve’s love!”
“Oh…you can eat that?” Thor gives Clint a very skeptical look. “I do not wish to eat Tony and Steven’s love. It is too pure and innocent to be eaten! It should be protected instead!”
“That is not what he meant, oaf” a voice says behind the blond god. Turning around quickly, Thor welcomes his brother into a bear hug. “Must you always clobber me? Let go!”
“Ah, brother! We are about to have dinner, you must joins us!”
Loki’s reply is “If you unhand me, perhaps I’ll consider it. Now let go!” Immediately Thor let’s go of Loki but still leaves an arm around his brother’s shoulders. Loki notices the arm but doesn’t protest. “What is going on? What about Tony and Steven’s love?”
“Oh, another wants to steal Steven away from Tony! However he does not understand the depths of Steven’s love for Tony” Thor answers which makes Steve blush and Tony smirk.
Looking over to Steve then back to his brother, Loki comments lazily “That is nothing new. Plenty wish to steal Steven away from Tony. If I were not with you, I would take him for myself.”
Silence fills the room until Tony manages to croak out “What the fuck?!” Bruce, Coulson and Natasha notices Thor’s lack of surprise/shock and ponders over this. Thor can’t help but feel hungry and hopes there is something in the bags of food his brother will eat. He knows his younger brother/lover is a picky eater. A blushing Steve can’t help but wonder if that’s why Loki’s always been so nice to him after his change of heart about wanting to destroy mankind.
"See! I wasn't joking when I told you everyone wants to screw Captain America!" Clint chirps.